Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, October 17, 2016

If the Clinton campaign is doing so well, why are they working so hard? If the media “knows” Trump will win and has totally done himself in “this time” (as in many times before) then why do they have such a demonstrable effort against him? Why is it illegal for the public to read WikiLeaks, but not for CNN? And why, if the box office is down, did “Star Wars” help the box office make so much money? Are movies from the 80’s all that people want to see anymore?

When Trump “changes his mind” from a non-teleprompter statement to a media microscope interrogation a few days later, his supporters like him more for one reason: It proves he is normal.

Americans make whimsical statements every day as they toss ideas and formulate real opinions. The small back-and-forth as real Americans—including Trump—develop their ideas in a consistent, overall direction is a stark contrast to the flip-flopping of career politicians with calculated, consulted, contrived so-called “positions” as they forget whether they are speaking to their secret donors or the voters they scam. Of course, no one has a front-row seat to this difference like the media, who seem to be so ignorant of that difference that the ignorance has become an indictment.

No one will ever trust the media after this election. They have bankrupted their “emotional bank account” of public trust.

The sad part is how many career politicians think their smooth statements are actually helpful. But, the Republican rhetoric lovers forget that the smoothest-talking presidents with the least offensive speeches have always been Democrats. Republicans who get the blue votes always make big waves.

Everything, including the extra effort for Hillary, says that Trump will win November.

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Faux Report

Labiaplasty Popular Among Teen Girls Looking To Have ‘Perfect Vagina’

labiaplasty

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Plastic surgeons on the west coast, particularly in ritzy areas like Los Angeles and Beverly Hills, say that they have recently seen a rise in labiaplasty requests from young women; plastic surgery on the vagina so that the girls can have, what they say, is the “perfect pussy.”

“I want it to be tiny, hairless, no extra skin, and everything tucked away, nice and neat,” said Samantha Kenner, 19. “I heard that all the Kardashians had their pussies tucked, and I have been saving for 2 years to get mine done. It’s going to be fabulous.”

In a recent poll, it was discovered that most women are completely dissatisfied by the look of their vagina, especially when it comes to extra skin or puffy labias.

“My vagina was wrecked after having triplets when I was 20,” said Maria Carson, now 31. “So I met with doctors who said they could completely rebuild my vagina from the ground up. I had them tuck away all the extra roast beef that was going on down there, and then they also laser-removed the hair, so I never had to shave or wax again. They also tightened up the actual muscles, so I’ve essentially got the vagina of a 13-year-old virgin again. My husband certainly isn’t complaining.”

Plastic surgery has been on the rise in the US for decades, but this new surgery has only been around for the last 2 or 3 years, say doctors. The costly surgery can range from $3,000 to a simple “meat tuck” to $20,000 for a full reconstruction.

 

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Faux Report

Bill Cosby Says He’s Actually Gay, Couldn’t Possibly Have Assaulted Anyone

Bill Cosby Brings Up Rape Allegations In Interview Because No One Was Talking About Him Anymore

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Extremely old comic Bill Cosby, who has been accused of sexually assaulting – or flat-out raping – so many women that the entire media has lost count, is now claiming that he couldn’t possibly have done anything to any of the women accusing him, because he’s actually gay.

“Yes indeed, I’m as gay as they come, woo-hoo, gay gay gay,” said Cosby. “Yes, I’ve been married for years, but in my day, it’s just what you did. You didn’t want anyone to know you were gay, so you snagged a woman and made her your wife. But really, I’m very gay. Why do you think I sucked so many pudding pops over the years? What man likes something to phallic who isn’t gay? Yup, gay gay gay.”

Cosby claims that he’s not using this defense as a way to try and take the blame off himself for his alleged crimes, but that he just feels now is the perfect time to “come clean” about his sexual habits.

“I have a lot of proclivities, but raping women isn’t one of them,” said Cosby. “I like men, always have, always will. Yup, don’t you forget it – gay gay gay. If someone says to you ‘Cosby rapes women,’ you correct them right there and tell them how gay I am, and that it’s not true at all. I’ve never raped anybody.”

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Faux Report

Man Sues Hooters After Getting Small-Breasted Waitress On Visit

hooters

MIAMI, Florida – 

Kyle Reese, 50, says that he is taking suit against a Hooters location in Miami, Florida, after a recent visit to the restaurant. According to Reese, he was assigned a “tiny-titted” waitress, and was refused service after he requested a girl with a “bigger rack.”

“As the great Chris Rock said, ‘No one goes to Hooters for wings,'” said Reese. “I went there, and I wanted to oogle. I have gone many times, and I always get good looking, stacked chicks. This time, I got some small-titted, timid girl. It’s not my type. I asked to be seated somewhere else, and they said no. Then they refused to serve me at all when I demanded a hotter girl.”

Management in the restaurant say that they had no choice but to ask Reese to leave after he began screaming about “tits and ass” inside the family establishment.

“We are a family-friendly place, and we had many other people eating at the time,” said manager Joel Silver. “This was not the kind of environment we want our other guests to have to deal with, so Mr. Reese was removed from the property.”

Reese is seeking $2 million dollars in damages, claiming that the restaurant falsely advertised their product.

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Faux Report

New Study Finds Fat Girls To Have Better, Longer, and Harder Orgasms

fat

CHICAGO, Illinois –

A student-led research study has found that “curvier” girls have more intense, longer-lasting orgasms. Fraternity Beta Gamma Omicron has released data they have collected over the last four years. Members of the house took painstaking measures to ensure all the ladies the brothers slept with in or out of the house were surveyed.

“Girls were actually more than willing to rate their orgasms. I think they were happy that the brothers were so concerned about how the experience was for them. The hardest thing was getting the girls to step on the scale and let the pledges take their measurements. We assured them the data was just for scientific purposes, and would be kept completely confidential,” says collegian Dirk Rush, who was in charge of analyzing the data.

Beta Gamma Omicron alumnus, Ross Allen, says he has a theory that may explain the results. “Back in my college days I’d do five, maybe six different girls in a weekend. The bigger they were, the louder they screamed. I think big girls’ bodies are so grateful when they finally get off, it’s like an explosion.”

The study is being taken very seriously by the medical community, and many male scientists have volunteered to conduct their own studies.

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Faux Report

New ‘Hag Porn’ Fetish Taking Internet By Storm

haggard

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Jaded by the typical hot porn-star type, some men turn to amateur porn. Others though, are now indulging in “hag porn,” finding they have been desensitized to attractive women and need something more “sinful and dirty,” so they seek out disgusting, older, or haggard-looking women.

College student James Reynolds says hag porn is the only thing he can get off to now.

“Me and my bros used to laugh at those butter faces, but I can admit now we were secretly turned on by them. We’ve got some tapes in the frat house where my bros find the ugliest girl at the bar and bring her back. They’re always surprised at all these young dudes that want them, and more than happy to do anything we want.”

One reason hag porn is catching on in the industry is that it is so cheap to produce. Although a typical ugly chick at the bar may participate for free, the ugliest hags usually require a small down payment. One popular video shows the actors climbing under an overpass to find participants; They pay an older woman five dollars to make the film, while dirty homeless men look on.

“I have to admit, I am sick to death of porn stars with their heels still on, stupid long fingernails, and their incessant moaning,” said pornography addict Bob Thomas. “I like my women raw. Dirty. Fucking diseased, even, I don’t care. I just don’t want to see the same generic blondes getting dicked by big black men. Hag porn is the best thing to come along since the internet.”

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Faux Report

Men Are Paying Thousands Of Dollars To Be Led Around Like Dogs By Beautiful Women

leash

CHICAGO, Illinois – 

A secret trend that has reportedly been going on for quite some time in Chicago’s underground sex scene is seeing a major public interest after a well-known actor said that he “loves being led around like a dog.”

According to Variety, a very well-known and respected Oscar winning actor (who they refused to name) has been visiting Chicago for over a decade to be led around on a leash like a dog.

“I could do this in LA, I’m sure, but there’s something about flying to Chicago, away from everyone I know and see every day, and letting a woman strap me to a leash and parade me around the neighborhood,” said the unknown actor, who Variety said is in his mid-30s, and often stars in historical dramas. “It’s sexual, yes, but it’s also just about being treated like shit for awhile. In Hollywood, everyone is a yes man, especially after you win an Oscar. This takes that way, way down and throws it all away.”

Hollywood elite aren’t the only ones indulging, though. A woman that Empire News spoke to says she has made her living over the last three years being a Doggy Mom, as they’ve become to be referred to as.

“It started innocently enough, actually,” said Maryanne Jones, 31. “I was married, and my husband liked to be dominated. I wasn’t that big into it one way or the other when we were together, but after we got divorced, I found myself still wanting to have that control. I put an ad on Craigslist, and here we are, three years later. I have probably 25 different clients or so, and I made about $60,000 last year. It’s a living, that’s for sure.”

 

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Faux Report

Tree That Resembles Nude Woman Will Reportedly Get You Pregnant If You Touch It

tree

BILLINGS, North Carolina – 

A tree that has stood in the Westfield Park in Billings, North Carolina for over 80 years is reportedly one of the most incredible trees in the world. While most trees just give life through oxygen, this specific tree can apparently give a completely different kind of life, as women who have visited and touched the tree have reported immediate instance of pregnancy.

“It was the strangest thing, honestly,” said Marsha Smith, 22. “My boyfriend and I visited the tree, and we were sitting underneath. He commented how crazy it was that it looked like a nude woman, and that he was strangely turned on by it. One thing lead to another, and we went at it right there under the tree. Anyway, before we left, I walked over and put my hand on the tree, and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant!”

Other women have also reported that they too were impregnated by the tree, which locals have dubbed “The Tree of Life.”

“I went up to the Tree of Life, and I touched her and said a silent prayer that maybe I could get pregnant,” said Eileen Dover, 24. “My husband and I had been trying for over a year, and no go. I went home that day and felt a little ill, so I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. My husband and I hadn’t had sex in like a week, so I know it wasn’t him that got me pregnant. Sperm doesn’t last that long in your body, so it was truly a miracle!”

Researchers say that the tree itself is probably not magical in any way, and that women just need to better understand how babies are made.

 

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Prophecy

The Seven Shifts Coming to the Church

Jonathan Welton is a gifted seer and a brilliant theologian. Not long ago, he was speaking at Seattle Revival Center church, here in the Northwest, and God interrupted his schedule to describe seven shifts that He is bringing to the church, with seven activations for the people of God.

This is a two-hour-long video, but it’s worth the time to hear what he has to say. These are not insignificant changes, and you’re probably experiencing some of them already.

Dr Welton offers a Supernatural Bible School online. If you’re looking for a theological foundation for our charismatic, prophetic experience, I highly recommend it. (I’m enrolled, myself.)
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Note: This prophetic word is in the for of a YouTube video. If you have difficulty seeing the video, click on the link The Seven Shifts Coming to the Church

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