Faux Report

After Record Number of Children Disappear, Man Arrested With 47 Kids Found Locked In His Basement

MIAMI, Florida

A Florida man has been charged with felony kidnapping and attempted murder after authorities discovered 47 missing children locked in the basement of his home.

According to police, more than 50 children have been reported missing in Miami since last Monday, and police were at a loss about the disappearances, until a tip lead them to the home of Mario Wilson, 50. Police say that an anonymous call led them to them.

“We have no idea who made the call, or how they knew where to find the children, but we are grateful,” said police chief Mitch Rogers. “We have found 47 of the 52 children reported missing. We are still hunting for the 5 remaining children, and at this point, we have no reason to consider them anything other than ‘missing.’”

Wilson reportedly was luring children into his home with the prospect of watching an unreleased Pokemon movie, to which every child gleefully ran into the home. Inside, they were disappointed to find that it was just a VHS tape of old recorded episodes.

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Police Officer in Australia Was Beaten and Raped By a Wild Kangaroo

A police office in Australia was hospitalized with several injuries after he was beaten and sexually assaulted by a wild kangaroo during the course of duty, reports Canberra newspaper The Canberra Times.

Via World News Daily Report:


The attack occurred at 2 am yesterday after police officers responded to residents who were alarmed by an intruder on their property.

Police officers arrived on the scene to find an extremely aggressive kangaroo and attempted to scare away the animal, without success.
“He jumped on my partner, kicked him unconscious to the floor and started humping him and attempted to mate with him,” Constable Pete Turnbull told reporters.

Constable Malcolm Rudd suffered from two cuts and a black eye as well as multiple concussions to the head after the kangaroo in heat attempted to mate with the officer’s head.

“He was humping and rubbing his penis all over my partner’s face in a brutal fashion. I had to tase the animal or else he would have killed him” Constable Pete Turnbull explained, visibly emotional.

It took several minutes before Constable Turnbull realized that his partner was in trouble as he was dealing with the residents who had called during the assault.

“When he was lying unconscious on the ground, it was dark and I thought his head was covered in blood. Thankfully, it was mostly kangaroo sperm,” Constable Turnbull told reporters in relief.


 

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Man Taken Into Custody After Telling Bar Patrons He Was WWE’s ‘The Undertaker,’ Tried To Tombstone The Bouncer

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania – 

Mark Callaway, 46, was arrested on Thursday evening after he became drunk and belligerent at the Cap ‘N Cock bar in New Brighton, Pennsylvania. According to police reports, Callaway began telling other patrons that he was The Undertaker, a popular WWE wrestler, and was encouraging others to smash a chair off his back to prove it.

“When Mr. Callaway was asked to leave by security, he became enraged, and tried to perform a tombstone piledriver on the bouncer, which unfortunately injured both of them,” said police chief Carl Carpenter. “We arrived on scene along with an ambulance, and Callaway was transported to a local hospital.”

Carpenter says that had Callaway left on his own accord, he’d have been allowed to go home, but because of the assault, he will be facing up to 2 years in prison if the bar presses charges.

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Florida Millionaire Arrested After Authorities Discover Over 700 Bodies Buried In His Backyard

NAPLES, Florida – 

Jerry Richards, 73, was arrested this week at his home in Naples, Florida after a neighbor spotted him very obviously burying a body behind his house. When police arrested Richards, he admitted to having over 700 bodies buried throughout his property. Police have currently exhumed 587 bodies in varying stages of decay.

“Mr. Jerry Richards is likely the most prolific serial killer in history,” said Police Captain Robert Thomas of the Naples Police Department. “Based on the remains we have found so far, Richards has been murdering and burying bodies in his yard for over 35 years.”

According to public records, Richards purchased his Naples home in 1982, when he was 38-years-old. Richards came into money after his father, Carl Richards, left him a large inheritance, which he invested in both stocks and real estate. Upon his arrest, Richards net worth was well over $35 million.

Although the District Attorney believes the case to be “open and shut,” Richards has not yet stood before a judge to determine bail. With Richards’ excessive means, it’s likely he will be denied bail and forced to sit in jail awaiting sentencing. If convicted, Richards will likely be given the death penalty.

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Man Dies After Being Bitten by Daddy Long Legs

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

As most people know, the Daddy Long Legs spider is the most venomous spider on the planet, but their fans are generally not sharp or strong enough to break the skin of most animals, including people. Apparently, no one told Christopher Moore, 32, who was killed after being bitten by the spider on Wednesday.

Moore, who was renovating a new home, was bitten early Wednesday morning, and ended up being rushed to the hospital. Because doctors had never seen the symptoms of a DLL bite before, they had no idea what was causing Moore’s illness. He was pronounced dead only 20 minutes after sustaining the bite.

During testing, doctors were able to discover the cause; it has since been classified as the first fatality from Daddy Long Legs.

“Craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Charles Milstead, who treated Moore. “He had very soft skin, I guess. Damn spider bit right through him, and he died in minutes. I’m still flabbergasted.”

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World’s Oldest Woman – Who Drank a Glass of Formaldehyde Every Day For 60 Years – Dies At Age 187

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

The oldest living person in history, Bertha Flake, has died at 187.

Flake, who was born in 1831, has been listed as the oldest living person in the Guinness World Records book since 1955, when she turned 124. At that point doctors thought that she would not have much longer to live, but after meeting with a “mystic” in 1957, Flake began to see her health improve.

The mystic told Flake to begin drinking filtered formaldehyde each day before eating her normal breakfast. Despite doctors warning her that it would kill her, Flake began the regimen, and lived another 60 years.

“It tastes horrible, but it’s clearly working,” said Flake last year on her 186th birthday. No one thought I would live this long. I didn’t even know it was medically possible, but here I am, still kicking, still going strong. I hope I live to see 200, but at this point, I’ve lived 2 or 3 lifetimes, and I can’t say that I haven’t seen and done it all. If I did next year though, I hope it’s in a hail of police bullets. Nothing like pulling a 187 on a motherfuckin’ cop, right?”

Flake was married 6 times in her life, and claims that she had even slept with many famous figures in history, including Charlie Chaplin and Josef Stalin.

Doctors are examining her remains and plan to release their findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.

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Man Claims He Was Possessed By The Devil After Watching New Horror Movie

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CHARLESTON, North Carolina – 

A Charleston man, Joe Briggs, said that he became possessed by the Devil himself after watching a horror movie that was, coincidentally, about a violent exorcism.

Briggs, 30, saw the film, American Guinea Pig: Song of Solomon at a local screening, and said the film was so jarring and sickening, that he left the theatre feeling physically ill.

“Several people had to leave the theatre during the show, and at least one person I saw passed out in their seat,” said Briggs. “I made it all the way through, but the movie was horrific, and I felt physically ill while watching it. Once it was over, I could barely move.”

Paramedics were called and transported Briggs to the hospital, where he was kept in intensive care for several days. Doctors who examined him could not figure out why he was having such a violent, physical reaction to a movie.

“The patient began to exhibit signs of a definite surreal, ‘not of this world’ sort of nature,” said Dr. Charles Lee Ray, who attended for Briggs. “After a couple of days, he began to develop sores, sweats, and was bleeding through his pores. One evening, he punched a nurse in the face, and she was knocked clear across the room, over 20 feet. Once he began speaking in ancient Aramaic, we called in a priest.”

Father Gary Lorde was brought in and confirmed demonic possession, and spent 4 days performing an exorcism.

“We had to move Briggs from the hospital, as an exorcism is an extremely long, grueling, and terrifying thing to witness,” said Lorde. “He was brought to a local rectory for spiritual treatment. In the end, we were able to remove the demonic spirit from Briggs, but there’s no telling with this ordeal has done to his mortal soul.”

“I think I’m going to be okay,”said Briggs. “I’m looking forward to picking up the movie when it comes out on blu-ray.”

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57-Year-Old Virgin Sues His Former Middle School For Teaching Abstinence

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HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

James Holmes, 57, has filed a lawsuit against his former middle school for teaching him abstinence, as he said that they taught him that he would “burn in hell” if he ever had sex, or even masturbated.

From World News Daily Report:

Holmes says the sexual education he received at the Jemison High School was “traumatizing” and has caused him some severe psychological problems.

In an interview with ABC, he described the content of the sexual education classes which he says caused his psychological trauma.

“They taught us that God would smite us if we masturbated and that we would burn in Hell for eternity if we had sex before marriage. They showed us pictures of genitals infected with STDs and told us it was what God did to adulterers.”

These classes had such an impact on Mr. Holmes that whenever he thinks about sex, even today, he suffers from a severe panic attack.

“I’m 47-year old and I’m still a virgin. Every time I think of sex I remember these purulent genitals, so I start panicking, sweating and even vomiting.” 

In 2012, he was diagnosed with a Sexual aversion disorder (SAD), a disorder characterized by disgust, fear, revulsion, or lack of desire in consensual relationships involving genital contact.

This type of psychological disorder is usually caused by some traumatic event which causes sex to be associated with a painful experience.

He had to undergo years of psychotherapy and is still heavily medicated, that’s why he demanding almost half a million dollars from his former school.

Holmes’ lawyer says that he believes that the case is a “slam dunk.” Holmes claims that the first thing he plans to do after receiving his winnings is to pay a “lady of the night” to finally take his virginity, but he hopes that he can find a nice one so that afterwards he can settle down.

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Teen Dies After Letting Rabid Bat Bite Him, Thought He’d Turn Into a Vampire

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SAN DIEGO, California –

A teen has died from a rabies infection after police say he was trying to domesticate a wild bat. Reports indicate that the teen, Stanford Guterson, purposely allowed the rodent to bite him, with the intention of turning into a vampire.

From World News Daily Report:

The young teenager who was fascinated with the idea of becoming a vampire possibly got bitten or scratched by the animal in a “satanic ritual” according to family members and friends.

Guterson was allegedly the victim of bullying at school and believed he could reenact revenge upon his enemies through the process of acquiring supernatural powers by “turning into a vampire” said one of his close friends.

“He was really into the dark occult shit and hoped that if he got bit by or had sex with a bat it might help him become a vampire,” his best friend Malcolm Jackson told reporters.

According to Jackson, [Guterson] also frequently drank blood from his 56-year-old unemployed girlfriend who did not respond to media requests for an interview and was not available for comments.

Police say that, despite initial rumors, there is no new internet “bat bite challenge,” and they believe that this is an isolated incident from an isolated loser.

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White College Prof. Tries To Prove There’s No Racial Bias By Police, Undergoes Surgery To Look Black – He’s Instantly Shot and Arrested

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A white college professor at Boston College, Mark Ryder, 38, underwent over 200 hours of expensive cosmetic surgery to look “as black as possible,” with hopes that he could prove to his Ethics in Law class that there was no such thing as a racial bias by police, and that the media like to hype up issues with African Americans by police.

According to reports, though, Ryder was shot and later arrested by police after he tried to leave his doctor’s office and walk to his own car across the street.

“My client was simply walking to his car, which happened to be a brand new Tesla, and was stopped by police,” said Ryder’s lawyer, Carlton Fisher. “They assumed he was stealing it, and despite when being asked to show his hands and complying, officers shot Mr. Ryder twice. He was struck in the arm and the ribs.”

Police reports show that Ryder was “not cooperative” with police requests, and was shot after an officer believed he was reaching for a weapon. Naturally, the officer’s body camera was switched off.

Ryder has since been released from prison, and is planning a lawsuit against the Boston PD. He has also retired from teaching Ethics in Law, stating that “English is a much easier, more straight-forward class.”

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New Husband Files For Divorce After Discovering His ‘Wife’ Is Actually a Man

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A man has filed for divorce only hours into his own wedding night after panicking after discovering that his new wife was not exactly what “she” claimed to be.

Ken Spencer, 26, filed for a divorce with Tiana Smith, 28, only four hours into their wedding night, after discovering his partner had a penis.

The newlyweds, who are both devout Catholics, and had waited until marriage to partake in any sexual relationship, were about to consummate their vows, when Spencer discovered things were not “as they should be.”

“It’s short, stumpy and crooked. It leans on the right at a 45-degree angle, then curves back to the left. It’s definitely the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” he explained. “I thought that Tiana was a woman. She…he…whatever. There was no mention that he was a man.”

Divorce attorney Kevin Goldstein claims that his client was lied to about the sex of his partner, who had never told him that he was born a man, and still had a penis.

Spencer is also suing his former partner for $30,000, which is what he estimated was spent in wedding costs, plus a canceled $5,000 honeymoon trip to Hawaii.

 

“Tiana had sent me pics of her boobs and even a couple down-the-pants shots, and I still have them on my phone,” said Spencer. “She was definitely trying to deceive me. It was either someone else’s vagina, or she tucked it back. Either way, I’m sick just thinking about it. I’ll show them to the  judge, and he’ll agree with me.”In many states, the fraudulent conduct of one spouse may provide grounds for divorce. The definition of fraud in the context of divorce law equates to one spouse “grossly misrepresenting issues so important that the other spouse would not have married him had she known the truth.”

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Nearly 1,000 People Have Gone Missing After Last Weekend’s Mysterious ‘Flying Object’ Seen Throughout East Coast

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CONCORD, New Hampshire

On Saturday evening at approximately 6 p.m., a mysterious light took over the skies in major US cities across the East Coast. People in New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and even parts of New York reported seeing a blue or green object streaking through the sky. Social media went crazy as well as news stations as people tried to figure out what was happening.

NASA reported on Twitter that the sighting was a result of a U.S. Navy test: “Light seen in OC sky was confirmed through John Wayne Airport tower to be a Naval test fire off the coast. No further details.”

On Sunday, police in several Eastern states had received nearly 845 missing persons reports of people who have just “disappeared.” 95% of the missing people reported by Sunday evening were women between the ages of 18 – 23. Police are saying they cannot confirm that the incident on Saturday evening has any connection to the missing persons reported.

“What happened on Saturday evening in California has nothing to do with the amount of people that have gone missing since then,” said Detective Ron Alvarez of the New Hampshire Missing Persons Bureau. “It was a missile that everyone saw on Saturday and that is that. It has been confirmed by the Federal Aviation Administration as a missile, and people need to leave it just as that. In the meantime, we are doing everything we can to find the people that are missing.”

Conspiracy theorists are not convinced by the government’s explanation of the enigmatic light after photos surfaced of strange, unknown creatures found dead in fields Western Maine. These theorists say that as quickly as these photos appear on Facebook, they are taken down.

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Man In Alabama Uses Legal Loophole To Marry Baby

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DECATUR, Alabama – 

A Decatur man, 47-year-old Mark Perry, has found a legal loophole in Alabama law that will allow him to marry a 19-month-old baby. Perry, a lawyer for more than 20 years, said he discovered the loophole by accident almost a decade ago, but never thought that he, himself, would need it.

“It wasn’t until I met Charlene that I knew, we had to be together,” said Perry. “She’s absolutely the one for me, and there’s no one I’d rather spend the rest of my life with.”

 

The law in Alabama stipulates that a man must be of legal, consenting age to agree to marry, but the poor wording means that a woman could enter into marriage at any age. Because Charlene cannot sign her own name, though, her father will have to give consent and sign for her. Thankfully for Perry, Charlene is the daughter of his law partner, Craig Lewis. Lewis says that he is absolutely “overjoyed” at the thought of his long-time friend marrying his daughter.

“Frankly, I wish that they would have found each other sooner,” said Lewis. “I’ve never seen Charlene so happy before in all of her life. Most of the time, she cries and whines, but not when she’s with Mark. He’s the only one who can calm her down. It’s really amazing, their love is so pure and true.”

The couple are planning a spring wedding.

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Man Arrested For Peeping Into Third Story Apartment Window To Watch Couple Have Sex

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Police in Boston arrested Martin Landon Jr., 33, after he was caught peeking into the third story window of an apartment building, reportedly watching a couple have sex, while he masturbated.

The authorities were called after the couple happened to look out their window and see Landon staring in at them.

“My first thought was ‘Oh my God, someone is staring at us!” said Joanne Lavey. “I thought it was my husband at first, and I was finally caught in the act. But it wasn’t, obviously. My second thought was, ‘How the hell is someone peeking at us? We’re on the third floor! By now my lover had also seen him, so the party was over, of course. He went limp immediately.'”

When police arrived, they found Landon with his pants around his ankles and his penis in his hand. They also happened to notice that the man had an overly long neck, and was only standing on a couple of discarded boxes in order to see in the third story window.

“Mr. Landon would be of average hight, possibly less, but because of his 3 foot tall neck, it really adds some height,” said police chief Richard Jameson. “In this situation, it caused a couple some massive distress. Frankly, I can’t blame them. If I were in the middle of a torrid affair, looking on my window and seeing Landon would be the last thing I’d want to happen.”

 

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