Faux Report

A Riot In Nursing Home Leaves Dozens With Broken Hips, Police Are Still Investigating

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

Complete chaos erupted at Shady Creek Assisted Living and Retirement Home community in Detroit, Michigan when a scheduled outing to Dunkin’ Donuts was canceled with no explanation. Elderly people living in that community start a riot in the center with canes and walkers, while one elderly resident was swinging his life alert necklace in the air, cutting a nurse in the face inside the facility. One couple, who managed to get outside of the facility, were caught spray painting “Fuck The Cops” outside one of the windows.

“It was complete madness, I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Nancy Reeder, head nurse. “Mr. Norman came up behind me, grabbed my arm and bit down with his teeth. As he pulled away, his dentures locked onto my skin leaving him in shock and without any teeth. That’s when I kicked him behind the knee, and he fell to the ground where I was able to restrain him.”

The incident began last week in a previous Dunkin’ Donuts outing that left 10 of the elderly residents with stomach cramps and diarrhea.

“It was an awful mess we had to clean up,” said Reeder. “Their aging stomachs can’t really handle all of that sugar. So we decided to cancel all future outings. Apparently, not all of them were in agreement.”

In all, 29 people were injured. Out of the 29, 18 were residents of Shady Creek, 5 were nurses, and 6 visitors who were caught in the chaos. None of the injuries were life-threatening – just a few broken hips, bruises, and scratches.

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Prehistoric Fish Are Showing Up in Flooded Homes in Texas

FORT WORTH, Texas – 

Epic tropical storm-turned hurricane Harvey has uprooted a number of people throughout Texas, as the state gets hit with nearly 7 feet of rain, and winds reaching upwards of 100 mph.

In the mix of all the tragic news of people losing everything to flood waters, is something even more sinister. Thousands of prehistoric, long-though-extinct fish are showing up in the flooded basements and living rooms of some Texas residents.

“I went in to determine the damage, and it scared the shit right out of me,” said Darius Greene, a homeowner in Forth Worth. “It must have been about 20 feet long, and had sharp scales, like nothing I’ve ever seen, and I spent years on a boat as a deep sea fisherman. I was terrified.”

Paleontologists from around the world have been flocking to Texas to try and see how many different species they may find. So far, the oldest is a fish that is nearly 20,000 years old, and thought to have been extinct before humans even existed.

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Hurricane Harvey Winds Carry Trailer Over 100 Miles – With the Family Still Inside!

TULSA, Oklahoma –

A family from Tulsa, Oklahoma, underwent the scariest experience of their life yesterday, when their mobile home was carried over 130 miles by strong winds from Hurricane Harvey, landing in a rural Kansas area. Five members of the same family were inside the building during its “flight”, and all of them have miraculously survived without injuries.

41-year old Dorothy Williams, was at home with her husband, her son, and her two brothers, when their mobile home was lifted off the ground by the strongest hurricane on record.

The powerful winds reaching more than 520 miles per hour, carried and shook the mobile home for 4 hours and 18 minutes, sometimes at altitude of more than 1000 feet. After carrying the house across Northern Colorado and Southern Kansas, the tornado finally dropped it on a car, just outside of Wichita, 129.5 miles (208.5 kilometers) away from its point of origin.

A few locals have witnessed the landing, like Michael Johnson, a 63-year old neighboring farmer,  who describes an incredibly spectacular scene.

“I saw something in the sky that looked like a plane without wings” says Mr. Johnson. “I seemed to be flying clumsily towards the ground, as if it was trying to land. It was probably 300 feet from me when I finally understood the it was a mobile home, and I freaked out. It landed directly on my neighbor’s car, which partially collapsed from the shock, but still rolled for almost 100 feet after the impact. It made an incredibly loud, crashing sound, and debris was flying everywhere. I thought I was going to die.”

The 60-feet long mobile home landed on an unoccupied car. The building has suffered surprisingly little structural damage considering the distance over which it was transported.

Despite the violence of the crash, with the house landing at a speed of more than 90 miles per hour, the incident did not cause any death or serious injury. All five occupants of the house have miraculously survived their incredible misadventure, suffering only a few scratches and bruises.

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Faux Report

Chinese Fidget Spinner Bursts Into Flames, Kills Toddler In Her Sleep

LOS ANGELES, California –

The parents of a 3 year old girl woke up to tragedy Monday morning as their child was found dead in her bed. The cause of death, reported by the Los Angeles Coroners Department, was due to a faulty light up fidget spinner that electrocuted the child, giving her 3rd degree burns on the face as she slept with it as it was charging in her bed.

Experts are warning parents of the dangers of purchasing fidget spinners from China, as this is not the first incident of injury. Over 100 children have been injured or killed since their release earlier this year.

“You should never leaving any devise in your bed while it’s charging,” said lead detective Louis Miguel. “We have seen this a number of times, mostly with cell phones. But these fidget spinners are injuring children in large numbers.”

The child was pronounced dead at the scene. The fidget spinner was made in China and purchased online.

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Pastry Chef Accidentally Bakes Bachelor Cake With Stripper Inside

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TAMPA, Florida – 

A pastry chef in Tampa has been arrested on manslaughter charges after he accidentally baked a nude woman into a cake, say Tampa Police.

According to police reports, chef Mario Blister was hired to create an extremely large cake that a nude woman could “pop out” of during a bachelor party for a group of about 30 men.

“Unfortunately, the baker had the hired stripper come to his shop, and ended up cooking her inside the cake,” said police chief Chris Tanner. “It is a tragic accident, but we have taken Mr. Blister in on involuntary manslaughter charges.”

“I don’t know how it happened, honestly,” said Blister. “Diamond came to the shop, and I had her get inside the outer framing of the cake, to make sure it was the right size. I use a massive, oversized walk-in oven. It’s like a firing kiln, custom built, as I do a lot of stripper cakes, and it’s easier to make it all at once. She fit perfectly. I left to get some icing, and when I came back, she was gone. I assumed she had left. Turns out…I was wrong.”

Blister says that the cake mold has a clasping mechanism that had somehow gotten latched shut, and Diamond, whose real name is Bambi Limber, was still inside.

“Mr. Blister ended up cooking Ms. Limber at 350 for over 25 minutes, before he smelled that something was wrong,” said Chief Tanner. “When we showed up on the scene, it was a disaster. I’d never seen anything like it in all my years on the force. On the other hand, there was a lot of cake to take home, and it was delicious.”

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Police On The Hunt For ‘Scary Clown’ That Was Filmed Killing Young Girl

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NEW ENGLAND – 

Police are hunting for a person who murdered a young girl while dressed as a “scary carnival clown,” and left her body in the woods.

State Police in Maine say that they believe that the “clown” lured the girl to the woods, and set up a camera to film the pre-planned murder. A recording was then anonymously delivered to a police station in Maine, which lead officials to the crime scene.

“This clown is still on the loose, and we do not know where they might be,” said State Police Chief Mario Richards. “We have expanded our search from Northern Maine all the way to Massachusetts. Unfortunately, we do not know who we may be looking for, as the person’s features are completely obscured by clown make-up.”

Police believe that the clown may have murdered at least 4 other people in the same area, as other crimes under investigation have similar patterns, including greasepaint being found on the victims. The latest victim was a young girl, aged 16-19. They have not yet identified the girl, and are currently seeking help from the public.

“This clown is extremely dangerous, as all clowns normally are,” said Chief Richards. “If you see this, or any other clown, please remove yourself from the area and call 911 immediately. This clown has been known to use a knife in its attacks, as well as a sickle. We are unsure if the clown is male or female.”

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‘World’s Ugliest Man’ Holds Guinness World Record For Most Sexual Partners

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NEW BRIGHTON, Connecticut – 

George L. George, 62, is the Guinness world record holder for “ugliest man,” a prize that he holds very dear to his heart. But the one record that he holds even more dear, is his number of sexual partners.

The Guinness Records Committee has recognized George’s 28,976 sexual partners as the most in history.

“It’s really kind of amazing that they’re recognizing me for my two greatest accomplishments, my dashing looks and my massive sexual conquests,” said George, who lives in an abandoned shack in Connecticut. “It’s been a long time coming for me, I’d say.”

George says that he has “always looked this way,” and that he had his first sexual encounter when he was 3.

“It was a babysitter, as it often is,” said George. “She wanted me badly. I gave it to her. Never stopped giving it to them.”

George received both of his Guinness awards via general post delivery, and says he has plans to display them on his toilet.

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Woman Gives Birth 7 Years After Having Sex

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A modern medical marvel has occurred in Massachusetts this week, after a woman gave birth to a healthy, 7lb 4oz baby boy. The marvel, you ask? The woman, 28-year-old Maria Piers, has not had sex in 7 years.

“I know this sounds extremely strange, but I know the precise moment that I last had sex, and that’s because it was, for all intents and purposes, a rape,” said Piers.

According to police reports from the time, Piers filed charges against a man named Robert Smalls, who she says would not stop having sex with her after she told him to stop.

“I did tell him it was okay, but I didn’t like it. He wasn’t gentle, and it hurt. I told him to stop and get off me, but he just laughed, and staid he wasn’t going to stop until he was done,” said Piers. “And he didn’t.”

Smalls was arrested and given 4 years for aggravated sexual assault, but Piers is terrified that now she’s going to have to deal with him again.

“He’s obviously the dad,” said Piers. “I don’t know how this happened, I really don’t. But I’m absolutely sure that I haven’t had sex. I haven’t even kissed a man since that night. This is both exciting and extremely terrifying for me.”

Doctors say they are at a loss for how this happened, but they could confirm that the baby, who Piers has named James, had a gestation period of about 360 weeks. She has been asked to stay in the hospital for continued testing and observation.

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3-Month-Old Baby Arrested For Breaking Priceless Artifact at History Museum

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 3-month-old baby has been taken into custody in Boston after he broke a priceless vase at the Natural History Museum on Tuesday.

Police say the baby, who has in a stroller being pushed by his mother, reached out and knocked over a 4-foot tall vase, which instantly shattered when it hit the floor.

“We tried endlessly for over 15 hours to put everything back together, but we could not,” said H.T. Dumpty, the museum curator. “This piece was worth well over $600 million dollars. It was practically priceless, and a one of a kind piece from the Ming dynasty. There are no others like it, and we are extremely frustrated with this baby for ruining something so precious and valuable.”

The baby’s mother, Francine Thompson, said she was “appalled” that her son would do such a thing.

“I was pushing him along, and looking at all the beautiful pieces. I wheeled little Joey right up near the vase, and pointed to it and was reading him the card telling about its history, when all of a sudden he reached out and pushed it over. It smashed everywhere, and he just laughed and laughed. I was in shock,” said Thompson. “I hope they throw the book at him, and give him as long as possible.”

The baby is one of the youngest people ever arrested. He is being charged with felony destruction of property and felony trespassing. If convicted, he could receive up to 20 years in prison.

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DISTURBING Trend On The Rise Among ‘Goth’ Teens – Snorting Blood!

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania – 

A new disturbing trend is on the rise throughout the United States, specifically among “gothic” teens – snorting the blood of friends in an effort to “become one” with them.

“It’s a new thing kids are doing – not to get high, but to has some sort of internal bond with their close friends or significant other,” said New Brighton Hospital Chief of Staff, Dr. Marvin Reece. “The problem becomes, though, that these kids are not thinking about the consequences, or the danger that can come from snorting any liquid – especially blood.”

Dr. Reece says he has treated more than a dozen cases of “blood poisoning,” where a teen has literally cut open their friend or boyfriend/girlfriend, and snorted the blood that dripped from the wound.

“Unfortunately, two of the teens have died. This is a serious issue, because aside from blood-borne diseases, there is also the very real risk – and I know how silly this sounds – of drowning in blood when they do this. It’s a liquid going into your lungs, after all.”

Teens are urged to not try and snort anything, but “especially not blood,” says Dr. Reece. “If you’re going to snort anything, please – just go back to the good ol’ normal stuff, like heroin and cocaine. Maybe some crushed adderall. Whatever you kids did before. Just stop snorting each other’s blood, okay?”

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Babysitter Facing 65 Years in Prison For Inserting Toddler Into Her Vagina

CINCINATTI, Ohio – 

A 31-year old woman was admitted to the University of Cincinnati Medical Center yesterday after the 14-month old toddler she was babysitting got stuck in her vaginal cavity.

Latifah Brown reportedly called 911 and told the operator that she had “a baby stuck in her vagina.” The operator dispatched an ambulance with the report that a woman was having a home birth.

The paramedics who were dispatched say they were surprised when they arrived to the home and saw what was actually happening. Brian Whitmore, the lead paramedic on the scene, related the incident in an interview with WCNN News8Now:

“The little boy wore a diaper and pyjamas, but he had his legs and abdomen stuck up inside the woman’s vagina. It was horrifying and hilarious. Horrifying because the baby was screaming, but hilarious that this woman had a toddler hanging out of her cooter.”

The paramedics tried to release the child while still in the home, but Brown’s vagina was reportedly “too clenched,” and the pair were taken to a local hospital, where doctors spent nearly two hours surgically removing the child from Brown’s vagina. Dr. Gene Larkin, who performed the surgery, was also interviewed by WCNN:

“I don’t know how she got the child in there! We tried pulling him out, but it didn’t work. It appeared that Brown’s vagina, not use to anything being inserted into it, had clenched down on the poor baby to the point that we literally had to use the Jaws of Life to get him out.

According to the doctors, Brown’s vagina has been “completely destroyed” by the act, and they are doubtful that any number of surgeries could fix the damage. The young boy suffers from a dislocated hip, but doctors say that because of his age, he should not see any long-term effects.

Brown was interrogated by police, and eventually confessed to deliberately inserting the child in her vaginal cavity, because she was barren, and just wanted to know what it would feel like to “give birth.” Brown faces a total of 11 criminal charges, including aggravated child neglect causing bodily harm, and faces up to 65 years in prison if convicted.

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Man Hospitalized After Getting Fidget Spinner Lodged in His Rectum For 37th Time

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 28-year-old Boston man, who doctors call Mr. Fidgets, was hospitalized today for emergency surgery after the emergency room attending physician discovered a fidget spinner lodged in Mr. Fidget’s rectum – the 37th time they’ve treated him for the same incident.

“When he came in the first time, we kind of laughed about it,” said Dr. Mario Lambert of Boston Medical Center. “He couldn’t really explain how it happened and, frankly, we didn’t ask too many questions. Then it happened again, about 2 weeks later. Again, we didn’t really press. By the time it happened 14 and 15 times, well, we just stopped caring.”

Dr. Lambert says that he believes that Mr. Fidgets is trying to insert the toy, commonly used by children with ADHD, for sexual gratification, because he likes to have his partner insert it, then try to spin it while it’s inside.

“I can’t say that it would do a thing for me, but hey, to each their own,” said Dr. Lambert. “Problem is, this guy really needs some psychological help, but he hasn’t broken any laws. He’s an adult, and he pays his hospital bill in cash. I don’t know who this guy is or what he does for a living, but I tell you – his kinks are off the charts.”

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Ship Lost in Bermuda Triangle 90 YEARS Ago Sails Into Cuban Harbor, Coast Guard Confirms

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TRINIDAD, Cuba – 

A ship that has been missing for over 90 years has reportedly docked in a Cuban harbor, the Cuban Coast Guard says.

The SS Cotopaxi, which has been lost at sea and all on board listed as deceased, made its miraculous return after going missing in 1925, one of the first ships that helped launch the legend of the Bermuda Triangle.

“We have no idea how or why the ship vanished, and we are even more confused at how it turned up today,” said Coast Guard chief Manuel Ferrara. “Even more bizarre is that everyone on board was alive, well, and hadn’t aged a bit. It’s a marvel of the seas, as it were. We’re just beginning to put this puzzle together.”

So far, all 43 members of the ship’s crew, as well as the captain, have been detained in a Cuban institution to be questioned and observed. The Coast Guard says they will work with authorities in other countries, including the United States, to solve the “mystery.”

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17 Children Are DEAD After a Fight Breaks Out in Middle School Over Fidget Spinners

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LYNN, Massachusetts – 

Seventeen pre-teens, aged 11-15, are dead after a massive fight broke out at a Lynn, Massachusetts middle school over the latest craze, fidget spinners.

According to police, several children began arguing about whose fidget spinner was “the best,” and several others began pestering the first group for being “super gay,” and having fidget spinners in the first place.

“Before you knew it, we had 60 or 70 kids just attacking each other,” said Darlene McDonald, a 7th grade teacher at Lynn Middle School. “Fidget spinners were being thrown everywhere – I saw one kid take his fidget spinner between his fingers like a pair of brass knuckles, and beat another student in the face repeatedly until one of his eyes simply popped out of his head. It was gruesome, and the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen. But if they think I’m getting involved in this shit at $14 bucks an hour, they can get real.”

Police were called to break up the melee, but by the time they arrived, 13 students had died, and another 24 were injured. Another 4 died later on due to sustained injuries.

“We had tried to ban fidget spinners in the school, but the parents, they lobbied to bring them back,” said Principal Grace Marlins. “So we let them play, knowing full well the dangers. I cannot believe that something like this happened over a $1 piece of plastic. Sad thing is, the parents still won’t let us ban them – they just want everything monitored better. It’s crazy.”

Fidget spinners are quickly become a problem in many classrooms throughout the country, with teachers calling them a “distraction” and a “time waster.”

“This just proves how dangerous they really are, though,” said McDonald. “We went through a lot of phases in my days as a teacher – slap bracelets, pogs, and then cell phones, of course. But this is the first time I’ve ever seen kids beat each other to death over a fad. This world has gone truly crazy.”

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