Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, May 28, 2018

Charlie Cook now says what Symphony has said for weeks: Republicans look more and more like they are headed for an unusual midterm upswing. The part you won't read is how much it looks like a Democrat conspiracy to get Republicans elected—because, if reverse psychology were the plan, Democrats played every note on cue and in key. There's no evidence of this at all, other than how incredibly flawless the execution seems to be. Either it is a conspiracy for some crazy cause or the current Democrats in office are just as stupid as the Republicans during Bush's second term.

The general political trend over the weekend was the correlation between society and meteorology. The day after a civil protest occurs, the weather goes nutso. If the government "zaps" publication of the courts, lightning strikes sixty thousand times. If a mob floods the streets one day, a flood floods the streets the next. Now, a hurricane is on its way to Florida. Make sure, if you plan to go golfing in the afternoon, don't express any objections outside any government buildings in the morning. Your T-time might get rained on.

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Faux Report

New England Set To Be Hit By Three Massive, Back-To-Back Nor’Easters; More Than 10 Feet of Snow Expected

snow

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

New Englanders, get ready. Although the snow and extremely cold temperatures have come quick this year, things are about to take a turn.

According to NOAA, a series of extreme winter storms are brewing off the coast, with all of them expected to hit most of New England by the middle of next week. The storms, dubbed “nor’easters” because of the direction they travel, will bring over ten feet of wet, packed snow between Tuesday and Thursday.

“I don’t want to go on record and say this is unprecedented, but it’s pretty close,” said NOAA weather researcher Mark Henry. “To get that much snow in such a small window of time is going to be hell for many people. Plus, because of the type of snow, we can expect massive and long-lasting power outages. It will be heavy and wet and packed, and downed trees and power lines will be almost a guarantee. This is absolutely the worst storm I’ve ever seen brewing in over 35 years as a weather researcher.”

Maine, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts are already calling for a state of emergency, and plow crews from nearby states and Canada are already being prepared to help with the storm.

“This is going to be the Big One,” said Henry. “Everyone get that bread and milk from the store – you’re going to need it.”

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Faux Report

Hurricane Harvey Winds Carry Trailer Over 100 Miles – With the Family Still Inside!

TULSA, Oklahoma –

A family from Tulsa, Oklahoma, underwent the scariest experience of their life yesterday, when their mobile home was carried over 130 miles by strong winds from Hurricane Harvey, landing in a rural Kansas area. Five members of the same family were inside the building during its “flight”, and all of them have miraculously survived without injuries.

41-year old Dorothy Williams, was at home with her husband, her son, and her two brothers, when their mobile home was lifted off the ground by the strongest hurricane on record.

The powerful winds reaching more than 520 miles per hour, carried and shook the mobile home for 4 hours and 18 minutes, sometimes at altitude of more than 1000 feet. After carrying the house across Northern Colorado and Southern Kansas, the tornado finally dropped it on a car, just outside of Wichita, 129.5 miles (208.5 kilometers) away from its point of origin.

A few locals have witnessed the landing, like Michael Johnson, a 63-year old neighboring farmer,  who describes an incredibly spectacular scene.

“I saw something in the sky that looked like a plane without wings” says Mr. Johnson. “I seemed to be flying clumsily towards the ground, as if it was trying to land. It was probably 300 feet from me when I finally understood the it was a mobile home, and I freaked out. It landed directly on my neighbor’s car, which partially collapsed from the shock, but still rolled for almost 100 feet after the impact. It made an incredibly loud, crashing sound, and debris was flying everywhere. I thought I was going to die.”

The 60-feet long mobile home landed on an unoccupied car. The building has suffered surprisingly little structural damage considering the distance over which it was transported.

Despite the violence of the crash, with the house landing at a speed of more than 90 miles per hour, the incident did not cause any death or serious injury. All five occupants of the house have miraculously survived their incredible misadventure, suffering only a few scratches and bruises.

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Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, March 13, 2017

After the rains, flowers in the Southwest are in full bloom. One highlight is purple, the color for The People’s Party. As for the east coast, things are frozen, both in weather and in politics. Lowering taxes could take time. Getting health care laws to lower health care prices and unshackle employers could take more time. The leading political party’s interests are divided and their opposition has no tactic beneath them. Democrats are filibustering every political appointee as Obama appointees persist; Trump fired 46 Obama-appointed prosecutors. Of course, opposition filibusters and firing federal prosecutors for any new, incoming president are both standard practice. Conservatives expected as much and don’t demonstrate any shock, yet Liberals usually think their loss deserves exception. Everything suggests that Republicans will gain ground in the Senate come 2018, thanks to the Democrats refusal on cloture. Therein lies the real danger: supermajority.

A group of professors had a wild idea: What if Trump had been a woman and Hillary had been a man? Surely that would have flipped election results. Actually, after a carefully-rehearsed reenactment of the presidential debates by one skilled actor and one skilled actress, Liberal supporters were in for another surprise. Hillary supporters adored Trump’s words when they came from a woman and hated Hillary’s words when they came from a man. After learning the truth, they didn’t change their political preferences, of course.

People rarely change their opinions, given new information, no matter what political party they are from. While Conservatives will tout the results of this little theatrical-political experiment, they reacted with much of the same blindness over news about Bush family dealings. Note, the term “Trump dissident” is important in describing this presidential term. Most of the people who voted for Hillary didn’t like her, supported Bernie Sanders, and liked Trump least of all, to say the least.

Hillary’s team met with the Russians before the election, according to the Kremlin. That will make the upcoming hearings even more interesting. The game of chairs keeps revolving. No political victory is final. No enemy is ultimate. And no pettiness evades anyone.

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Faux Report

Major Acid Rains In Midwest Corroding Cars, Roofs of Homes

rust

TULSA, Oklahoma – 

All across the midwestern states, storms containing acid rain have been pouring down, causing major destruction to homes and cars. The rain, which has a higher, drier acid content than most precipitation, is literally eating away at metal and plastic.

“My entire new 4-piece deck set was destroyed, melted away by acid rain,” said Mario Keller, who lives in Tulsa. “Thank God my car was in the garage, though. My neighbor Rick, his new Tesla was completely ruined, as the rain ate the paint and chrome right off his vehicle. It was insane.”

Meteorologists say that the rain has been happening on and off for the last week, but that major rain storms are set to continue happening through the end of the month.

“The pollution in our atmosphere is at an all-time high, and it’s causing this rain, this pollution, to come back down to us,” said meteorologist Joel Miller. “It’s mother nature giving us the finger. The finger right in the ass, as it were.”

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Faux Report

Hottest Summer On Record To Hit By May, Buy Your A/C Units Now

temperature

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Meteorologists are predicting the hottest summer in the history of recorded temperatures, with most of the United States expected to be steadily in the 100+ degree range by the middle of May, with temperatures topping nearly 150 in some areas by August.

“If you don’t have several new, good, working air conditioning units in your home, then I’d go out and buy them immediately,” said meteorologist Joel Simmons, who works for WMUX TV out of Phoenix. “We are already seeing temperatures in the 80s. By next month, you’re going to be melting, and I’m almost being literal.”

As global warming reaches new heights, the weather is expected to stay steadily dry, which will add to the warm feeling.

“Even as temperatures hit over 100 degrees, it’s going to feel even hotter. You do not want to get stuck not having air conditioning, no matter where you live in the country,” said Simmons. “A normal pricing for an air conditioning unit is anywhere from $100 to $300 dollars. You can bet those prices will be triple or more this year.”

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Faux Report

Weathermen Predict Heavy Snowfall In Summer After Mildest Winter On Record

Meteorologists Predict Record Shattering Snowfalls Coming Soon; Bread & Milk Prices Expected To Soar

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey – 

Much of the country was unaffected by massive snowstorms this winter, with only one major storm hitting the Eastern part of the United States. Now, most meteorologists say that this summer will be the coldest in history, with much of the country seeing the snow they should have gotten in December and January coming in June and July.

“I know it’s extremely odd to see these types of weather patterns, but it’s true,” said TV weatherman Joel Goldsmith of WMTX in New Jersey. “What people don’t understand is that global warming causes extreme heat, and extreme cold, and it cycles. Most of the country experienced the warmest weather in recorded history, and those temperatures will not hold up indefinitely.”

Goldsmith says that he expects to see much of the United States getting hit with violent rain, wind, and yes, even snowstorms, throughout most of the summer months.

“Most of New England will be buried this summer, upwards of 48 inches of snow can be coming in one storm over multiple days,” said Goldsmith. “Come July, you’re going to feel like it’s Christmas out there, because there will be record snowfall. Be cautioned, it’s going to get ugly. It’s not just New England, either. The entire country will be affected by this. Get your milk and bread tucked away now; it’s coming, and it’s coming fast.”

 

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Faux Report

‘Farmer’s Almanac’ Predicts Hottest Summer Ever; Temperature To Reach 140 Degrees

farmers

CARLSON, Indiana –

The Old Farmer’s Almanac, which has been predicting weather patterns better than your local meteorologist for decades, states that summer of 2016 will be the hottest on record, with scorching heat and humidity that will make many parts of the United States and Canada reach temperatures that were previously unheard of, with some areas consistently reaching 140 degrees Fahrenheit.

“It’s that damn global warming that’s to blame for this mess,” said old farmer Macdonald. “I’ve had my farm here with my chickens, goats, cows, and all them for what seems like forever. Looks like this year I will have to figure out a new plan. With the way that heat will be coming, all my animals will surely cook out in the fields. Guess I’ll have me some meats, though.”

Each summer, hundreds of people, usually elderly and small children, die from heat stroke or sun-related illnesses. This year, medical professionals are predicting that number will likely be somewhere in the mid-10,000 range.

“We treated 198 people for sunstroke last year in our hospital, and that was just a normal year,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Miami-Dade Medical Center. “This year, with the way the outreach forecast is looking, we are expecting to treat upwards of 1,000 at our center alone. Frankly, we know for sure that lot won’t make it.”

It may only be February, but doctors and weathermen are all suggesting that you buy new air conditioners now, before they are too hard to come by.

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Faux Report

Casualties of Blizzard 2016 Still Being Found Buried In Snow

snow

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

Four days after the record breaking blizzard, cleanup throughout the Northeast is ongoing. Dump trucks unloading on the city island in Pittsburgh have turned up a record-breaking amount of homeless people.

So far 11 have been found in the snow during removal. During the storm, emergency shelters quickly filled to capacity, and workers had to turn many away who were left to fend for themselves in the storm.

City worker Tim McManus explains, “The homeless get confused and disoriented when there is this much snow. Unable to find shelter they may dig out ‘igloos.’ This attempt at taking shelter actually puts them at higher risk. Some do not even hear the plows coming because they have to drink themselves into a stupor to fall asleep on the streets.”

City officials ask residents to please continue to be patient as the snow and homeless removal continues.

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Faux Report

Weatherman Commits Suicide, Blames Depression On Weather Forecasting

weatherman

BANGOR, Maine –

WABZ Channel 13 in Maine will open a listing for a new meteorologist this week, as seasoned vet Ray Buckley has reportedly  committed suicide. While many would think the holidays had gotten him down, as happens with many people each year, it was, in fact, the unpredictable nature of the weather, and the high expectations people place on weather forecasters.

In Buckley’s suicide note he describes the futility of weather prediction.

“It’s a chaotic system, ruled by nonlinear dynamics. You work the differential equations, hoping you’ve input the right data, but soon a ‘trace to 2 inches’ of snow becomes 6-8 inches. God Himself couldn’t predict the damn weather. Then they call you out on it. ‘Thought it was supposed to be sunny this weekend, Ray? Your prediction ruined my picnic!’ I’ve reached my limit. A man can only be told he has an ‘asshole face’ so many times by people who don’t know him before he breaks.”

WABZ says they will have no problem filling the position. Inside sources say Buckley’s performance was less than perky as of late, and they were already looking for a replacement.

 

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Symphony

Tempo: May 8, 2015

US employment at historic low. High US employment boosts stock market. Cameron wins Britons. America loses Americans. Texas 4.0 mag. Michigan earthquake proved Kalamazoo fault line, WZZM 13 TV reportsTornadoes yesterday, tornadoes today, tornadoes tomorrow, in a line pointing toward Kansas City. Creative: A new font based on Einstein’s handwriting will let you write like a genius  · · · →

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