Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, July 3, 2017

Since when was WWE considered violence? Perhaps CNN has rightly earned the slur “Fraud News” AKA “FNN” since the scripted, choreographed events from “World Wrestling” TV programming are now taken as legitimate “violence”. The Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press condemned Trump’s “violence”, but not WWE’s.

So, this is our world today, where “World Wrestling” is for real. WWE, renamed from WWF, is taken seriously by by the RCFP, and CNN is renamed FNN by the POTUS. How dare he! Someone call the Rock and get revenge!

Ironically, the mod video Trump Tweeted is from Trump himself pretending to beat up his billionaire buddy, WWE Chairman and CEO Vince McMahon, in a head-shave dare. In the match on WrestleMania, the official wrestlers beat up the referees as the two referees beat up each other; Trump won the dare and the WWE Chairman got his head shaved by one of the wrestlers and, of course, Donald Trump. They even used shaving cream and “Bic-ed it“.

Holman Jenkins, Jr. and Rush Limbaugh weighed in on Russianewsgategate this week. The developing theory thus far is that the Russians made a rouse by rousing that there was a rouse; accordingly and as if on cue, the at-the-time internationally viewed-as-pansy White House, along with at-the-time and on-record tech illiterate FBI Director Comey, took the bait and ran to “-itch slap” the Russians. So, that was the “Russian hack”—a rumor made by the Russians that there was a Russian hack made paranoid powers self-destruct. As Staples™ said, “That was easy.”

The “rouse rouse” tactic was also employed by Talleyrand and Fouché to bring down the paranoid French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte. They simply started a rumor that they were plotting against the emperor and that was all there was to it. Napoleon freaked-out and did himself in, just as did the previous White House administration, with a little “encouragement” from the Russians and WWE Hall of Fame Superstar Donald J. Trump.

Believe it, many people take WWE videos seriously. This week, the press joined those “serious” WWE fans and took Trump’s video seriously. Since CNN and WWE are now considered equally “serious”, we ought consider Special Prosecutor Former FBI Director Robert Mueller as the referee who took over and then got his lights knocked out in the ring after the other referee, Former FBI Director James Comey, got his lights knocked out in the ring in a replay match, only this time, CNN gets its head shaved. And, just as before, Trump is piling on the shaving cream.

Now, serious questions remain about the appointment of a special prosecutor. It was a rouse rouse. What’s the point? So the developing theory goes, the only purpose of a special prosecutor is to help Russianewsgategate cover its WWE-sized fanny. While Limbaugh and Jenkins theorize that Mueller will come up with his own version of a “magic bullet theory” so that the imploding Washington establishment can evacuate the building they set afire, that won’t be all, folks; expect more.

Mark these words: A lieutenant/deputy -sized head will roll and that head will be just as innocent as it is painted, bribed, and blackmailed to look guilty, all to save the cause. That’s how the choreography works, after all. Believe it, many people will believe it.

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Faux Report

Police Forces Dwindle Across The Country As Violence Against Cops Continues

police

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

“I signed up to be a police officer the second I turned 18-years-old, and I thought I’d have this career forever, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to get shot over some bullshit,” said former policeman Joel Waives, 27. “I loved what I was doing, and it’s always been a dangerous job, but as a white guy with a badge, I’m not taking any chances that some hood will shoot me.”

Police Unions across the country have said that they are losing officers in record numbers, after several shootings across the country have led over 20 cops dead, all at the hands of violent criminals looking for “revenge” for shootings by police of civilians.

“The job is hard, and it’s definitely stressful. I’ve never had to pull out my gun before in over 30 years on the job, but this week alone I’ve had to pull it 16 times,” said police chief Mark Wallace. “It’s getting to the point where I don’t know if I’m going to make it home at night. It used to be that only big cities had shootings like this, but I’m in Des Moines. Why the hell should I have to worry about being shot by someone because they were driving over the speed limit?”

To counter the record number of people leaving the force, police unions have been looking to hire new recruits, with many offering new, better benefits.

“If you’re a racist who wants to carry a big gun and talk a big game, then by all means, please sign up,” said Wallace. “We need more people who aren’t afraid to pop a cap in a black man just because he’s wearing a hoodie. We can overcome this violence with more violence. There’s no other way.”

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Faux Report

Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Raped, Murdered In Prison

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

According to local police, Jared Fogle, the disgraced former Subway pitchman who was convicted on child pornography and sex charges, was found dead in his prison cell on Thursday afternoon. Prison officials say that it appears that Fogle was raped and sodomized and stabbed with a prison-made shank.

“Mr. Fogle had, until recently, been in protective custody to assure that this exact thing did not happen,” said prison warden Michael Ross. “After he was released into general population on Wednesday evening, we heard rumors that an attack was imminent. Unfortunately, we did not move him back into PC in time. Mr. Fogle was pronounced dead at 3:14PM on Thursday.”

Many of the prison’s gangs have reportedly taken accountability for the act; all of them say that it was their men who did it.

“Oh man, it was my boys in the Aryan gang, dude,” said gang leader Mark Smith. “We might hate a lot of people, but the worst are the child fuckers. They always gonna get what’s coming to them, man. It was ours for the taking, and we took it.”

Other gangs also claim that they are responsible, including the Latinos, bikers, the Jews, and the African-Americans. So far, police say they have no leads as to who is actually responsible, but that they’re not too worried about finding out, either.

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Faux Report

Marvel’s New ‘Deadpool’ Movie Given PG-13 Rating

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Although trailers and comments from the cast and crew would lead many to believe that the new Marvel film Deadpool, which is set to hit theatres in February, would be getting an R-rating, it seems that the MPAA had other plans.

After watching the film, the group – who are responsible for the film ratings of every movie released – gave the movie a mild PG-13 rating.

“We are really, really shocked that we got a PG-13,” said the film’s star, Ryan Reynolds. “We were going for a hard R-rating. There is blood, guts, nudity, sexual content, and about a thousand uses of the word ‘fuck.’ It’s mind boggling.”

According the the MPAA, they didn’t find that the film fit with their R-rated policy, which as anyone who has ever seen a movie can tell you, is not exactly set-in-stone.

“Normally, you can’t really get by with more than maybe one F-bomb in a film without getting the R-rating,” said MPAA spokesman Gerry Lyons. “In this case, though, we felt the film really didn’t encompass anything that would get it the harder, more ‘adult’ rating. Plus, it’s a comic book movie, so how harsh could it really be, right?”

 

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