Cadence of Conflict: Asia, May 8, 2017

The US media is pulling out a trump card that has been hiding in the deck since 2016. Otto, a traveling student, was sentenced to 15 years of hard labor by the Kim dynasty for touching a government propaganda poster. Now, his parents are near tears on national television as released film of the large assembly sitting in approval of his sentencing replay in homes across America and the world.

Otto is only one person. His parents know this. Americans know this. But, Otto is one person whom Americans can identify with to understand all the others. Americans can understand why China is preparing for Korean refugees.

The story is beyond bad press. Skinny people seen collecting grass in parks, skinny soldiers working on farms to get enough food to eat, people pushing their own buses when they run out of gasoline, and no reports of what is happening in Korean hard labor camps—and now pretty-handsome college boy is put in a labor camp for touching a poster? What’s next, hating pink ponies, baby kittens, and Santa Clause?

There’s no defense for keeping North Korea. Not even Russia can object if the US peppers Pyongyang with BLU-82 “Daisy Cutters”.

On Friday China’s Finance Minister Xiao Jie left an annual conference in Japan for an “emergency domestic meeting” in China. No one knows why, not even Forbes or their friends in Hong Kong.

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Faux Report

College Student Pays Tuition By Begging On Streets


PHOENIX, Arizona – 

19-year-old college Sophomore Ben James says that he has paid off his entire college tuition in less than two years after he discovered street begging.

“I kept seeing the same homeless guy outside my dorm begging, every single day,” said James, who is earning his degree in business. “One day I just asked him. I said ‘hey man, how much are you actually making out here every day? Wouldn’t it be easier to just get a job?’ And he tells me that he’s making almost $400 a day, every day. I couldn’t believe it.”

James says that the next day he went to the thrift store, bought some ratty clothes, and rubbed them in dirt and cut them up. He found a corner near a busy intersection, and says he took in nearly $300 on his first day out.

“People feel sorry for you when you’re homeless, and they like to give. They especially like to give if you’re young, and they like to give if you have a funny sign,” said James. “I’ve even had other homeless guys throw me a couple bucks. Of course, I let them in on my secret that I’m not homeless, and just trying to pay for college. They actually thought it was a great idea.”

So far, James has brought in over $85,000 from begging, enough to pay for his entire four years as a student at the University of Phoenix.

Faux Report

‘Cereal Face’ Is The Internet’s Latest Viral Trend


BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

People have always, and will always, do the stupidest things just to get a little notoriety on the internet. A new challenge, dubbed “cereal face,” is the latest to join the trend of bizarre and dumb things people do to themselves and post it online.

“Cereal Face was something I started to bring awareness to premature ejaculation,” said Tommy Rogers, a University of Alabama student who was recently expelled, and is now living in Boston. “I cum extremely fast. It’s a pretty bad disorder, but I just can’t help it. I figured, what better way to bring attention to this medical issue than to glue cereal to my face, so that’s what I did.”

Rogers says that he wants to help raise money for doctors to discover ways that he can hold back his ejaculations for longer periods.

“Gluing cereal to my face was supposed to be some deep metaphor, but people have taken it to extremes, and I think the point is getting lost now,” said Rogers. “Sexy women are doing it just for fun. Sexy women don’t prematurely ejaculate, so they really don’t need to be doing this. It’s kind of embarrassing, really.”

The original Cereal Face video has been viewed more than 2.6 million times on YouTube, and Rogers has says he’s taken the $4.97 he’s made from Google Ad revenue and donated it to McDonald’s in exchange for a cheeseburger and a Coca-cola.