Faux Report

New ‘Super Poison Ivy’ Is Spreading Across The United States – Why You DON’T Want To Touch This Plant!

BOISE, Idaho – 

A new strain of poison ivy has been spotted in 11 states throughout the country, and botanists and scientists are completely baffled as to where it came from.

According to hospital reports, 86 cases of rash – and worse – have been reported from the new strain of poison ivy, but the problem isn’t so much of how it’s affecting people, but where.

“This new poison ivy, it only affects the genitals,” said Dr. Kenneth Morse of Boise Medical Center. “No matter where a person touches the plant on their body – be it with a hand or a foot, or rubbing against a bare leg – the symptoms only appear on the genitals.”

Of the 86 cases so far, 83 of them have been males, and most have seen symptoms ranging from small, red itchy dots on their penis, to full-blown engorged testicles. 4 of the men have had to undergo surgery to reduce swelling in their sacs.

“It was the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever gone to the emergency room for,” said Kyle Mann, 26. “My balls were the size of pineapples. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Thankfully, Dr. Morse had already treated a few other guys with the same problem, so he knew what was happening. Sadly, they had to slice my balls open to let out some sort of bacterial fluid that was in there. Fucking scary, man.”

Dr. Morse says the plant looks “nearly identical” to regular poison ivy, so it is best to avoid going outside at all if you want to stay away from possible contamination.

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Registered Sex Offender ‘Very Upset’ Children Stopped Playing ‘Pokemon Go’ Mobile Game

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

Mark Henry, a registered sex offender who has been convicted more than a dozen times for crimes against teens and children, says he is “very upset” that no one plays Pokemon Go anymore.

“I used to be able to meet tons of little kids, because everyone was playing it, and now the only people I’m meeting are other pervs who are out looking for kids, too,” said Henry. “It’s stupid. I wish they’d make a new game I could use to track kids.”

Pokemon Go was the most popular mobile game of all time, with hundreds of millions of downloads – but that was last year. Since the release, users have stopped playing in droves, with an average of only 3 or 4 people still playing in any given town on any given day.

“Last summer, kids were everywhere, and now, they haven’t been anywhere,” said Henry. “Plenty of Squirtles are out there, but no kids. I’m suffering, here.”

The game would allow players to catch Pokemon in the “real world” using augmented reality. Many players worked together to “Catch ’em all.”

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Teens Who Vape More Likely To Be Made Fun Of Than Those That Don’t, Study Finds

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A new study conducted by Harvard University shows that teens who “vape” are more likely to be made fun of than kids who do not. The study was performed over the last year, and monitored a group of 200 teens aged 15 to 19.

“Of the group, 100 of the kids were vapers, or kids who smoke using vape pens, etc.,” said that study chairman, Mick Horn. “Those kids were asked to vape in front of the other 100 kids, who proceeded, of course, to call the vape kids a slew of names, including ‘faggot,’ ‘tool,’ ‘loser,’ and ‘asshole,’ among others. When the study was flipped, the vape kids really had nothing to say about the non-vapers.”

According to his findings, Horn says that kids should decidedly not take up vaping, unless they like being made fun of.

“There’s really no point to vaping, short of smoking while looking like an extra douche bag,” said Horn. “I think that my study conclusively proves that.”

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Russia Is Probably Hacking Your Computer Right Now – What You Can Do To Stop Them!

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UNITED STATES – 

After it was confirmed that Russia easily hacked computers in the United States to rig the 2016 elections, the FBI is warning that it’s “very likely” that Russian hackers and spies are probably in your computer right now, looking at your files.

“There are many things that you can do to protect yourself from Russian hackers,” said FBI director J. Hoover Edgar. “For one, you want to make sure you put a piece of tape of your computer’s camera. That’s just something simple that every idiot knows to do by now. Another thing you can do is to get offline completely when not using the computer. Just unplug and turn off your machine, and you should probably unplug your router, too, just to be safe.”

Edgar also recommends writing most of your documents in Aramaic, the dead language spoken by Jesus Christ and his disciples.

“It’s very hard for Russians to read Aramaic, because most people don’t know it. If you learn it now, you will have a much better chance of your files not being read by Russian hackers,” said Edgar.

According to the FBI, the one thing that can almost certainly defeat a hacker, though, is to make sure you change your passwords 10 to 15 times a day, for all of your website logins, especially banks and social media accounts.

“If you leave your password as the same thing for more than a couple of minutes, you’re basically giving full access to your life,” said Edgar. “Change your passwords multiple times a day. It really keeps the ol’ Ruskies on their toes.”

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Scientist Officially Proves That Global Warming is a Hoax

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CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Chester Miller, who has been studying the effects of global warming for nearly 20 years, says that he has finally found conclusive proof that the phenomenon is completely and totally bogus.

“I have been looking into the effects of global warming, and can conclusively say that the world is not warmer at all,” said Miller. “I had been waiting and waiting for this discovery, and it came to me earlier this week. It was a true moment of glory for all of science.”

Miller says that during the night between Thursday and Friday, his town of Concord, New Hampshire received a massive amount of snow – over a foot in just a few hours. This, he says, is proof that the world is not getting warmer.

“If global warming were real, then how come we got 14″ of snow the other night?” asked Miller. “I assume you all understand that in order for it to snow, it has to be cold. And in order for it to snow THAT MUCH in that amount of time, well – it has to be very cold. I believe I can rest my case.”

 

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New Strain Of Weed In Colorado Has Teens ‘Turning Gay’, Doctors Baffled

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As Reported By ABCNews.com.co:

“We’ve never seen anything like this before,” said Dr. Hans Vermhat of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug addicts in Colorado are injecting a new strain of marijuana that changes the chemical makeup in the brain’s receptors which control the users like or dislike of the opposite sex; ultimately turning them into a flaming homosexual.”

Michele Leonhart, DEA chief of operations in Denver, told ABC news that marijuana related problems in Colorado have quadrupled since…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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German Scientists Are Able To Prove That There’s Life After Death

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As Reported By World News Daily Report:

A team of psychologists and medical doctors associated with the Technische Universität of Berlin, have announced this morning that they had proven by clinical experimentation, the existence of some form of life after death. This astonishing announcement is based on the conclusions of a study using a new type of medically supervised near-death experiences, that allow patients to be clinically dead for almost 20 minutes before being brought back to life.

This controversial process that was repeated on 944 volunteers over that last four years, necessitates a complex mixture of drugs including…

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

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Ice Bucket Challenge For ALS Leads To Earth-Shattering Medical Discovery

Teenage Girl Dies of Hypothermia After Taking Part In 'Ice Bucket Challenge'

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Last year, the ALS ice bucket challenge viral videos ran rampant across the internet, and brought in millions of dollars for Lou Gehrig’s Disease research. In a decidedly crazy twist, it seems that money has been used to find and diagnose an entirely different disease, and it’s one that could change the face of medicine forever.

Researcher Jordan Marsh says that the ALS videos and the money raised by them has helped them to discover a new breakthrough in a specific virus that has been plaguing the world, but has yet to be contained.

“We used the ALS money to look into the root of this long-standing virus, and thankfully, we have been able to pinpoint where it began, and also how to contain it from spreading further,” said Marsh. “It’s one for the books, for sure.”

For the books it will be, because as of this time, Marsh is not saying what discovery they have made.

“At this time, I am just going to say that it’s a huge deal, and we are very excited, but we want to get all the information out at once, and accurately, so you’ll have to wait until our findings are released in the National Book Of Medical Journals.”

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Faux Report

Ice Bucket Challenge For ALS Leads To Earth-Shattering Medical Discovery

Teenage Girl Dies of Hypothermia After Taking Part In 'Ice Bucket Challenge'

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Last year, the ALS ice bucket challenge viral videos ran rampant across the internet, and brought in millions of dollars for Lou Gehrig’s Disease research. In a decidedly crazy twist, it seems that money has been used to find and diagnose an entirely different disease, and it’s one that could change the face of medicine forever.

Researcher Jordan Marsh says that the ALS videos and the money raised by them has helped them to discover a new breakthrough in a specific virus that has been plaguing the world, but has yet to be contained.

“We used the ALS money to look into the root of this long-standing virus, and thankfully, we have been able to pinpoint where it began, and also how to contain it from spreading further,” said Marsh. “It’s one for the books, for sure.”

For the books it will be, because as of this time, Marsh is not saying what discovery they have made.

“At this time, I am just going to say that it’s a huge deal, and we are very excited, but we want to get all the information out at once, and accurately, so you’ll have to wait until our findings are released in the National Book Of Medical Journals.”

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FDA To Ban Fentanyl After Prince’s Overdose

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The powerful opiate fentanyl may be taken off the market following the death of Prince as well as the increase in opiate drug deaths across the nation. A bill may change fentanyl to a schedule I drug, meaning that it is both highly addictive and has no legitimate medical use. Other schedule I drugs include heroin, LSD, and marijuana. Fentanyl is currently a schedule II drug, meaning that while there is danger of abuse, it can be prescribed under controlled conditions.

“It’s clear the fentanyl is out of our control, ”argues bill sponsor, Representative Marcy Kaptur. “Deaths are up 500% in Ohio. They have tripled in last year.” Supporters of the bill argue that the drug is just too strong. Fentanyl is 50 times more potent than heroin and 100 times more than morphine.

Fentanyl is used to manage moderate to severe pain, usually in people who have chronic pain, and as a last resort. Fentanyl is often used when other pain medicines no longer work.

“Yeah, a few cancer patients might not get their fentanyl fix, but we can’t afford to lose any more pop sensations. They are the glue that keeps this country together. Didn’t Michael Jackson die from this stuff? Well, maybe it was his time. He was a little sick. But Prince – that great man had even turned to the lord,” says Mothers Against Drug Addicts (MADA) member, Tracy Leveque. “Junkies are one thing. They’re pretty well useless. But when a beloved musician or actor overdoses, it’s time to change the legislation.”

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Miami To Create Texting Lane On Highways For Millennial Drivers

MIAMI, Florida – 

Only in Florida.

The Miami-Dade Expressway Authority (MDX) announced today that it has plans to create a bumpered “texting lane” along the Dolphin Expressway, according to Miami news site The Plantain. 

“This is a necessary step we must take as a community to ensure public safety,” said MDX spokeswoman Anne Hinga, noting that educational campaigns about the dangers of texting while driving have failed to curb the ubiquitous behavior.

“Our roads are filled with millennials raised in front of a cellphone screen. We cannot realistically expect these young drivers not to text and drive,” said Ms. Hinga. “The bumpered texting lane is our attempt to mitigate the dangers of texting while driving and is a plan that we believe will save thousands of lives.”

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Florida Conservative Group Says We Need To ‘Save The Mosquitos’

MIAMI, Florida – 

As government leaders argue over funding the Zika control effort, environmentalists in Florida are campaigning to save the mosquitos. The Florida Conservation Coalition (FCC) says the attempts to control the spread of the Zika virus by decimating the mosquito population will harm the environment.

FCC representative Matt Toole says, “Saving a few babies from a life of gross mental retardation is not worth the entire collapse of the eco system. Bats, birds, and dragon flies stand to be wiped out. And don’t get me started on fish.”

One protester, desperate to make a point, was hospitalized after covering himself in bug spray and setting himself on fire.

Most other residents of Florida could not disagree more. Swamp resident Marla Jackson says she hopes they kill every last mosquito. “If just one sweet little babe is saved, I say wipe them all out. We hate those damn bugs.”

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Saturn Will Be At Closest Point To Earth In Over 4,000 Years On May 31st

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WORLDWIDE – 

NASA has confirmed that on May 31st, Saturn will be closer to Earth than it has been in over 4,000 years, with a spectacle that will be “unlike any other” astronomical sight people have seen.

“Saturn does not often come this close to Earth, and this will be a sight no one currently living has ever seen,” said NASA spokesman George Pooler. “We are extremely excited to be able to better study this planet, but also that people will be able to get a glimpse of an amazing, ringed planet, which is not something normally able to happen.”

Pooler says that NASA hopes to be able to see the opposite side of Saturn as it rotates by, something that they have never been able to photograph previously.

“In 1980, Saturn came very close, but not as close as it will come this time,” said Pooler. “We have some images of Saturn from the last rotation, but this will be an amazing sight that will blow the last time out of the water. We are expecting that on May 31st, we will be able to see Saturn here in the United States at approximately 4:45PM EST. Get your cameras ready, as this experience is once-in-a-lifetime.”

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Massive Sunken Ship, Treasure Found Off Coast of Boston

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Remnants of an old, sunken pirate ship were found off the coast of Boston, Massachusetts yesterday by treasure hunters who had reportedly found documentation claiming that a ship had sunk there over 600 years ago.

“We really didn’t expect to find anything, at least not so quickly,” said Gary Richards, who headed the expedition. “We found materials that lead us to that area, claiming that a ship, The Black Death, was wrecked there in 1423. The ship was said to have been a legitimate pirate ship, and could possible have contained billions of dollars worth of gold.”

What Richards and his team found, though, was something entirely more amazing.

“We did find the gold, yes. There was an entire ship down there, almost preserved by the salt water, and we were able to dive down using specialized equipment to board it. What we found were hundreds of small ‘treasure chest’ style boxes, filled with everything from doubloons to bones.”

Richards says that they believe that the boxes filled with bones may have been the crew’s way of discarding the bodies of dead hookers.

“We found what amounts to about $3.7 billion dollars worth of treasure on this ship, which will be parted out to museums,” said Richards. “Sadly, the bones of the dead whores will be left, buried at sea, with the memories of some ill-fated nights, no doubt.”

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