Faux Report

World’s Oldest Woman – Who Drank a Glass of Formaldehyde Every Day For 60 Years – Dies At Age 187

old

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

The oldest living person in history, Bertha Flake, has died at 187.

Flake, who was born in 1831, has been listed as the oldest living person in the Guinness World Records book since 1955, when she turned 124. At that point doctors thought that she would not have much longer to live, but after meeting with a “mystic” in 1957, Flake began to see her health improve.

The mystic told Flake to begin drinking filtered formaldehyde each day before eating her normal breakfast. Despite doctors warning her that it would kill her, Flake began the regimen, and lived another 60 years.

“It tastes horrible, but it’s clearly working,” said Flake last year on her 186th birthday. No one thought I would live this long. I didn’t even know it was medically possible, but here I am, still kicking, still going strong. I hope I live to see 200, but at this point, I’ve lived 2 or 3 lifetimes, and I can’t say that I haven’t seen and done it all. If I did next year though, I hope it’s in a hail of police bullets. Nothing like pulling a 187 on a motherfuckin’ cop, right?”

Flake was married 6 times in her life, and claims that she had even slept with many famous figures in history, including Charlie Chaplin and Josef Stalin.

Doctors are examining her remains and plan to release their findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.

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Faux Report

Dolph Lundgren To Replace Bill Nye on New Netflix TV Series

dolph

LOS ANGELES, California – 

After a series of memes was released online comparing the scientific background of TV host Bill Nye (“The Science Guy”) and action star Dolph Lundgren, Netflix has decided to replace Nye on his own show, Bill Nye Saves The World, with Lundgren.

“We really wanted someone who knew what they were talking about, from a scientific perspective, when we decided to create this series,” says Netflix representative Mario Jones. “After it went online, though, many people began to complain that Nye was not qualified to host a series, at least not compared to Dolph Lundgren. We found it odd, but if there’s one thing Netflix does right, it’s create shows people want to watch.”

Although not 100% accurate (Lundgren studied chemistry at Washington State, but did not receive a degree from the school), this internet meme relates the qualifications of Bill Nye and Dolph Lundgren
Although not 100% accurate (Lundgren studied chemistry at Washington State, but did not receive a degree from the school), this internet meme compared the qualifications of Bill Nye and Dolph Lundgren

To their credit, the internet is mostly right. Dolph Lundgren, best known for roles in the Rocky franchise and in The Expendables films, both co-starring Sylvester Stallone, does have an impressive scientific background, with multiple degrees in varying sciences. Lundgren, whose IQ is 160, says he is “excited” to host the show, but sad for Bill Nye.

“I don’t know the guy, he seems alright. He hosted a show for a long time, but back then, there was no internet, so it was hard for people to be so vocal and critical,” said Lundgren. “I hope that when I take over the show for the next season, people will be happy with the information, and find me qualified to deliver it.”

The series will be renamed Dolph Lundgren Punches You In The Face With Science when it returns in 2018.

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Faux Report

German Scientists Are Able To Prove That There’s Life After Death

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As Reported By World News Daily Report:

A team of psychologists and medical doctors associated with the Technische Universität of Berlin, have announced this morning that they had proven by clinical experimentation, the existence of some form of life after death. This astonishing announcement is based on the conclusions of a study using a new type of medically supervised near-death experiences, that allow patients to be clinically dead for almost 20 minutes before being brought back to life.

This controversial process that was repeated on 944 volunteers over that last four years, necessitates a complex mixture of drugs including…

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

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Faux Report

Huffing Your Own Feces Can Help To Cure Depression Symptoms

poop

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Gavaland University in Boston, Massachusetts, have discovered what they say is a “cure” for long-term depression and bi-polar symptoms, and it’s been staring you in the rear-end the entire time. The research team has concluded that people who consistently huff and smell their own feces will lead happier, healthier lives.

“The more often you smell your own gas, or your own feces, the happier you will be,” said Dr. Richard Kimball, who headed the study. “As it was so eloquently put in one of those Austin Powers movies, ‘Everyone likes the smell of their own brand.’ This, it turns out, is extremely true, to the point that smelling your own gas or feces will actually brighten and calm your moods.”

Dr. Kimball says that they followed the effects over 4 years on 200 patients, all of whom were required to sniff their poop in front of the doctors, multiple times a day, over the course of the study.

“At first it was weird taking a shit in front of a doctor, but they said it was because they didn’t want anyone to be swapping their shit with someone else’s, because it would ruin the study,” said Maria Johnson, who was one of the first to sign up. “At any rate, it turns out that my mood really was lifted from sniffing shit, so I’m glad I took part.”

The study participants were not given anything for their help in the research other than a high-fiber diet and a smile.

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Faux Report

Scientists Confirm Link Between Chemtrails and Autism

chemtrails

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Community College have been working tirelessly over the last decade in a search for a link between Autism and any other outside source. Today, they’ve released information that they say conclusively links Autism with chemtrails.

“To think that Autism is caused by vaccines is ridiculous and preposterous,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “Vaccines are necessary and important. What is not necessary is chemtrails. Those whispy bits of clouds you see left in the sky after a plane goes by, or those billowing clouds during a new morning sky – those are the things that could very well be giving your child Autism.”

Dr. Brown says that children who are exposed to the hazards of being outside too young can easily “contract” Autism.

“If the hospital is wanting you to take your new baby home, and you look out and see chemtrails, do not take that baby outside. Wait it out, it’s very important,” said Dr. Brown. “A baby exposed to chemtrails is over 0.099873% more likely to end up having Autism than a baby who lives inside, all the time, in a plastic bubble or incubator.”

Dr. Brown says his “startling” finds and study conclusions will be published in his “home medical journal” this month.

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Symphony

December 17, 2015

Ryan same S Boehner (Slate)

$1.83B to arm Taiwan (Taipei Times)

$1.6B, “resettle” illegals thru 2018 (Free Beacon)

Limbaugh opines (Limbaugh)

Sessions Opines (YouTube)

NOAA uses “compromised” thermometers for “global warming” (DC)

Suspicious0bserver: The best thing to happen to oceans in 2015 was the rise of the citizen scientist (QZ)  · · · →

continue reading
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Faux Report

Mars Rover Sends Back Images Of What Appears To Be Man Walking Through Dunes

mars

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida – 

The Mars rover has reportedly uploaded pictures to the NASA servers from Mars that show a man walking in the distance behind a line of sand dunes. The internet has become abuzz with the photo, which they say is more indisputable proof of life on the planet.

“That is definitely, 100%, a living, walking, sentient being right there,” said internet sleuth and conspiracy theorist Joe Goldsmith. “You can easily tell that this isn’t Photoshopped, because for one, it came directly from NASA, and two, who would want to Photoshop a picture like this trying to prove life on another planet? Is that something people would do? Of course not. I’ve seen plenty of ‘shops in my day, and this is definitely not Photoshopped.”

NASA scientists are still working to uncover the mystery behind the ‘Walking Man,’ as they’re calling it, but so far, they have yet to come up with any solid ideas.

“It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibilty that it could be some sort of being, but it would be odd that this is the first walking, upright, man-like being that we’ve seen since the Rover has been on Mars,” said NASA scientist Dr. Richard Lewis. “I have no idea if this is a man, or Martian, as it were. It’s probably just another case of pareidolia.”

Pareidolia is the condition found in all humans that makes our brains apply known-items to abstract shapes, such as being able to see certain figures in clouds, or faces in random designs.

“We are hoping, very much, that this is some sort of life. That is the whole reason we went to Mars,” said Lewis. “We are trying to move the Rover closer to the area, to begin looking for clues such as footprints or other signs of life, but it is a time-consuming process, to be sure.”

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