Faux Report

New State Laws Will Base Your Speeding Ticket on the Model of Your Car



As of January 1, 2018, if you are caught speeding, the amount of your fine will depend on the model of your vehicle, lawmakers say. The change will be used to help pay for more police, and more road repairs in nearly every state in the country.

“The more expensive the vehicle, the more expensive the fine will be,” said George Marks, R-Georgia, who sponsored the bill, which was passed by the House on September 21st. “If you can afford a $90,000 Tesla sports car, then your ticket is going to be a lot higher than the tool driving the beat up Mazda.”

For photographs taken by radar, an auto expert will determine the model of the car, motorcycle, or truck. The cheapest vehicles will be fined lightly, whereas high-end vehicles will face much heavier fines.

This measure acknowledges the inequality between those “who can afford” to pay the fines and those who “suffer” under the repressive system. Thus, the wallets of the most well-to-do will be hit just as hard as those of the most humble.

The measure promises to reduce delinquency on the road by the wealthy, thus eliminating the feeling of impunity shared among more and more drivers.

Faux Report

‘Hobo-ing,’ Pretending To Be Homeless, Latest Trend Among Privileged Youth


BEVERLY HILLS, California – 

An odd new trend has been started in high-end and rich cities across the country, and it seems to have started with a group of teens in Beverly Hills. “Hobo-ing,” or sometimes “hoboing,” is what the kids are calling it when they leave their extremely nice homes and mansions, and spend a night on the street begging for change.

“It started out as a mockery of the homeless, because they’re a disgusting, shitty people,” said Brian Jones, 16. “A few of us were out in LA one night, and we saw a homeless man dead on the street. It was sad and pathetic. But, he had a cup full of change, and we realized that pretending to be a bum was an easy way to supplement our incomes.”

Although Jones’ family owns one of the largest construction companies in the United States, worth an estimated $3.9 billion dollars, he says he gets a huge thrill out of pretending to be a bum.

“It’s kind of cool. I don’t shave for a few days, I throw on some old, torn jeans, and I get to hang out in extremely seedy parts of the city,” said Jones. “It’s hilarious, really, because the old jeans I wear when I go out are designer; they cost about $600. It makes me laugh a little whenever I slip them on to go out into the alleys.”

Teens across the country have begun dressing like homeless people and going out, late at night, to pretend to be poor and filthy.

“I have a little bit of a heroin problem now, like a lot of the other homeless people out there, but it’s all good,” said Jones. “I mean, the great thing about pretending to be homeless is that I still have a real bed to go sleep in, and my family can send me to the best rehab. I feel bad for those homeless fucks out there. But hey, I made almost $30 bucks begging the other day. What a damn hoot!”

Faux Report

First Contact: New Images from Voyager Satellite Prove Alien Existence



Voyager I has made contact with aliens, and they do not seem to have the capacity to understand human affairs. Scientists have analyzed the images and determined the beings are definitely animal-like in nature, although It cannot be confirmed whether they have souls. They sit atop what geologists suspect to be a rich oil deposit, and they hope to relocate the oil to Earth.

World leaders agree that the next step for humanity. is to invest in this venture.

“We’re all going to be rich! Rolexes and expensive cheeses for all!” said scientist George Miller Jr. “I cannot wait. We’ve finally made contact, and we are at this moment planning on a way to rape and pillage these aliens in much the same way that we raped the indigenous peoples here.”

Newly forming special interest groups for the creatures discovered by the Voyager satellite warn that “They’re just going to exploit their resources and drive them off like they did our own indigenous people.”

The daughter of a NASA official leaked the inside information. “They are so on their own little world, no knowledge of interstellar matters. Totally like, clueless. Daddy says we can send rockets there to start drilling, and my baby’s baby will be rich when they come back. I can’t wait.”