Faux Report

Doomsday Profit Says The World Is REALLY Ending THIS Time…Like, For REAL

WASHINGTON, DC - JUNE 26:  Same-sex marriage supporters rejoice after the U.S Supreme Court hands down a ruling regarding same-sex marriage June 26, 2015 outside the Supreme Court in Washington, DC. The high court ruled that same-sex couples have the right to marry in all 50 states.  (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)
WASHINGTON, DC – JUNE 26: Same-sex marriage supporters rejoice after the U.S Supreme Court hands down a ruling regarding same-sex marriage June 26, 2015 outside the Supreme Court in Washington, DC. The high court ruled that same-sex couples have the right to marry in all 50 states. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

Are we in our final days? It seems they have said so many times before, but Christian prophet David Meade says THIS time it’s for real.

Meade, a self-published author, bases his prediction on a complex set of calculations and inferences centered around the number 33 and imminent interference from the planet Nibiru. Sept. 23 is 33 days after the solar eclipse, which Meade sees as significant. He believes that a constellation will reveal itself over Jerusalem on Saturday, triggering the launch of a series of catastrophic “tribulations” that will mean the end of life as we know it.

NASA, meanwhile, has repeatedly said that the planet Nibiru does not exist. Yet, numerous conspiracy videos on Youtube say otherwise. Paul Younge, a Phd in Youtube Videos points out that NASA is not a reliable source.

“You think NASA is paid for with tax dollars? No, that’s ridiculous. It is funded entirely by the Illuminati, who have a vested interest in keeping the sheeple dumb and docile. They have most of the world convinced that the earth is round, even though it can be proven through simple calculations to be flat. They say there’s no aliens on the dark side of the moon, but I can site numerous credible Youtube sources to the contrary. All this business about planet Nibiru not existing is yet another bit of misinformation.”

Unlike many profits before him, David “Doomsday” Meade admits he may be wrong about the exact timing of the rapture, which is due to happen this Saturday, but he is certain is coming soon.

“I was never good at math. I’ll admit that. My calculations may be slightly off. But I can feel the rapture coming. I can feel it in my bones. “

Reportedly many others are currently feeling the rapture in their bones, a feeling that is a combination of arthritis and sweet release.

Anyone feeling rapture in their bones is advised to take two aspirin and avoid sinning, as this tends to make rapture flare ups worse.

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Letters

The Ministry of Broken People

Here's an interesting observation. I've been with a number of broken people recently. Some of them are regular folks, and some broken people are leaders, occasionally famous leaders.

I'm noticing a trend about some of the broken, messed-up and damaged Believers: God doesn't appear to give a rat's hindquarters about their brokenness. He doesn't seem to be offended by the outcasts, the rejects, the jerks.

If they’re hungry (and that seems to be a clue for all of us!), he is really happy to fill them and use them and empower them. He makes a freakin' mess changing the world through them. He's downright extravagant in showing out through them.

I've been with a number of clean and tidy and well-educated people recently. I'm noticing a trend about some of them, too. They look good, they sound good, they are comfortable to be around.

And there's a whole lot of us in between there.

But really, I see more of God's signs and wonders, more people healed and delivered, more completely unexplainable "coincidences" in the aftermath of the first group. They go places I don't like to go. They take on circumstances that make me uncomfortable. And the glory of God drools out from their brokenness, their foolishness, their awkwardness in ways that most of us aspire to.

It's interesting how our culture labels the beautiful people as the big successes. There's more of us in-betweeners, so we win the popularity polls.

But it's the broken, socially inept, rude, crude and socially unacceptable ones, the ones who actually believe God and His Book, the busted ones trying to do the stuff: these are the ones I think are actually getting it right.
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Letters

The Ministry of Broken People

Here's an interesting observation. I've been with a number of broken people recently. Some of them are regular folks, and some broken people are leaders, occasionally famous leaders.

I'm noticing a trend about some of the broken, messed-up and damaged Believers: God doesn't appear to give a rat's hindquarters about their brokenness. He doesn't seem to be offended by the outcasts, the rejects, the jerks.

If they’re hungry (and that seems to be a clue for all of us!), he is really happy to fill them and use them and empower them. He makes a freakin' mess changing the world through them. He's downright extravagant in showing out through them.

I've been with a number of clean and tidy and well-educated people recently. I'm noticing a trend about some of them, too. They look good, they sound good, they are comfortable to be around.

And there's a whole lot of us in between there.

But really, I see more of God's signs and wonders, more people healed and delivered, more completely unexplainable "coincidences" in the aftermath of the first group. They go places I don't like to go. They take on circumstances that make me uncomfortable. And the glory of God drools out from their brokenness, their foolishness, their awkwardness in ways that most of us aspire to.

It's interesting how our culture labels the beautiful people as the big successes. There's more of us in-betweeners, so we win the popularity polls.

But it's the broken, socially inept, rude, crude and socially unacceptable ones, the ones who actually believe God and His Book, the busted ones trying to do the stuff: these are the ones I think are actually getting it right.
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Letters

The Ministry of Broken People

Here's an interesting observation. I've been with a number of broken people recently. Some of them are regular folks, and some broken people are leaders, occasionally famous leaders.

I'm noticing a trend about some of the broken, messed-up and damaged Believers: God doesn't appear to give a rat's hindquarters about their brokenness. He doesn't seem to be offended by the outcasts, the rejects, the jerks.

If they’re hungry (and that seems to be a clue for all of us!), he is really happy to fill them and use them and empower them. He makes a freakin' mess changing the world through them. He's downright extravagant in showing out through them.

I've been with a number of clean and tidy and well-educated people recently. I'm noticing a trend about some of them, too. They look good, they sound good, they are comfortable to be around.

And there's a whole lot of us in between there.

But really, I see more of God's signs and wonders, more people healed and delivered, more completely unexplainable "coincidences" in the aftermath of the first group. They go places I don't like to go. They take on circumstances that make me uncomfortable. And the glory of God drools out from their brokenness, their foolishness, their awkwardness in ways that most of us aspire to.

It's interesting how our culture labels the beautiful people as the big successes. There's more of us in-betweeners, so we win the popularity polls.

But it's the broken, socially inept, rude, crude and socially unacceptable ones, the ones who actually believe God and His Book, the busted ones trying to do the stuff: these are the ones I think are actually getting it right.
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Faux Report

Cadbury Accused of ‘Crapping All Over’ Easter

easter

LONDON, England –

Easter marks the beginning of spring where chickens lay eggs and millions consume Cadbury eggs. The company-sponsored eater egg hunt is one of the biggest int he world, and many religious groups gathered to protest the celebration they claim has “gone all to Hell.”

Over 300,000 children attended this year’s hunt, held in over 250 locations across the UK. Instead of calling it the “Easter Egg Trail” like in years past, the event was called “Great British Egg Hunt.”

The Church of England released a statement saying the Cadbury is “Taking a flaming steamer on Easter, on Jesus, and British decency.” Many plan to “defend God and Easter” by complaining to anyone who will listen, but still allowing their children to take part in the festivities.

Some claim homosexual leadership at Cadbury is to blame. “All those flamers in charge of the celebration want to take out all the Lord and leave all the flamboyancy. It is a disgrace. The next generations going to be a bunch of Elton Johns, you mark my words,” said Parker Wood, a chimneysweep and concerned citizen on the street.

Cadbury spokesperson Maxwell Wancheur says they never meant to offend anyone. “The Cadbury Bunny only cares about chocolate the innocence of childhood, and well…cash.” Many feel that those who are offended by the name change are over-reacting, as bunnies and eggs are remnants of pagan traditions, and have nothing to do with Jesus anyway.

Wiccan mother of three, Clara Potter, says she will bring her kids to the festival every year no matter what they call it. “It comes down to one thing: free candy.”

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Faux Report

Prayer Group Now Taking Requests For People Who Deserve To Die

prayer

BOISE, Idaho

A prayer group in Boise, Idaho has put out a request on social media saying that they will accept “prayer requests” for people who should be wished dead, or otherwise injured – converse to all other prayer groups, who expect to receive positive prayers and wishes.

“The thing of it is, God is kind of a major dick,” said prayer group leader Marsha Gray. “I mean, hasn’t anyone ever read the bible at all? He’s more likely to cause bad shit than good, and so we want to hit up that demographic who doesn’t need anything ‘good’ to happen, and would much rather see someone suffer.”

Gray says that the prayer group meets three times a week, and that they will pray for the death or injury of up to ten people per prayer session.

“We’ve wished death, dismemberment, AIDS, cancer, and all matter of maiming on people,” said Gray. “So far, several people have reported back that their enemies have been hit by a bus or killed in other car accidents. One woman says her mother-in-law was even struck by lightning. That is really the power of the Lord!”

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Faux Report

Pope Francis Caught On Security Camera Stealing Food Placed Out For Homeless

pope

VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis was caught stealing food that had been placed behind the Vatican for homeless last night, causing many to decry him as “evil.”

According to Vatican Police, the footage was retrieved from a security camera system on March 18th, and showed the Pontiff stealing a plate of food that had been donated by local restaurants and left for the city’s homeless. The Pope, when questioned about this act, seemed very shaken.

“I was not stealing it. I have much food available to me. I was merely, um…I wanted them to have a good, hot meal,” said Pope Francis. “I was going to heat it in the holy microwave to make sure that any homeless that ate it would be happy.”

Police are not buying the explanation, but are forced by law, to ignore it completely.

“Unfortunately, there isn’t much we can do here,” said Vatican Police Captain Leonardo DiSuza. “His Holiness is definitely lying, but he is the end-all, be-all here in the city. It’s not like he is going to jail or anything. He won’t even get a slap on the wrist.”

Public opinion of the Pope has so far not been damaged, as most people don’t care at all about the homeless, especially homeless in Rome.

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Faux Report

Pope Francis Caught On Security Camera Stealing Food Placed Out For Homeless

pope

VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis was caught stealing food that had been placed behind the Vatican for homeless last night, causing many to decry him as “evil.”

According to Vatican Police, the footage was retrieved from a security camera system on March 18th, and showed the Pontiff stealing a plate of food that had been donated by local restaurants and left for the city’s homeless. The Pope, when questioned about this act, seemed very shaken.

“I was not stealing it. I have much food available to me. I was merely, um…I wanted them to have a good, hot meal,” said Pope Francis. “I was going to heat it in the holy microwave to make sure that any homeless that ate it would be happy.”

Police are not buying the explanation, but are forced by law, to ignore it completely.

“Unfortunately, there isn’t much we can do here,” said Vatican Police Captain Leonardo DiSuza. “His Holiness is definitely lying, but he is the end-all, be-all here in the city. It’s not like he is going to jail or anything. He won’t even get a slap on the wrist.”

Public opinion of the Pope has so far not been damaged, as most people don’t care at all about the homeless, especially homeless in Rome.

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Faux Report

Facebook Announces Ban On All Religious Posts, Images

SANTA BARBARA, California – 

Mark Zuckerberg announced this morning during a public forum that Facebook, the world’s number-one most trafficked website, would be soon putting a block on all religious-themed material, including posts, videos, images, and more.

“We are working diligently to keep Facebook a trigger-free zone,” said Zuckerberg. “We’re starting with religion, because as everyone knows, that is the cause of all the world’s problems. After we square that away, we will start removing posts about other triggers, such as feminism, rape, workplace issues, college, bad music, bad TV, bad movies, and so on.”

Zuckerberg says that his plan is to make a website that is so stale and boring, that its users are forced to enjoy it, in what he calls “twisted logic.”

“You see, when a user comes to the site now, they are usually angry. They come to make posts about their bad day, the horrible TV show episode from last night, the new movie trailer they can’t stand,” said Zuckerberg. “We will be taking all of that away. It will be the world’s safe space.”

 

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Faux Report

Trump Donates $130k To Organization Founded By Westboro Baptist Church

westboro

Richard Young, a spokesperson for Faith Among Nations, has confirmed to reporters that his organization recently received a donation in the amount of $130,000 from republican presidential nominee Donald Trump.

Faith Among Nations is a non-profit organization currently overseen by Paul Addison, however was originally founded in 1999 by Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps. In 2001, Phelps resigned from his position at Faith Among Nations and appointed Paul Addison to take his place as the organization’s president.

The organization claims to help wounded soldiers, wayward children, and victims of natural disasters through monetary donations while promoting traditional Christian values, however the non-profit is widely viewed as an “untrustworthy organization” and has been known to funnel money directly to The Westboro Baptist Church.

Many believe that Faith Among Nations is nothing more than a shell corporation set-up by Phelps to assist in the funding of Westboro Baptist Church business expenses such as travel expenses including air fare, hotel accommodations, and gas expenses. In 2004, the organization was slapped with multiple hefty fines when it was uncovered that upwards of $600,000 worth of Faith Among Nations donations were used to pay Westboro Baptist Church salaries.

When asked directly about the Faith Among Nations donation, Trump told reporters, “Unlike my opponents, I donate to many non-profit and charitable organizations, next question.” Many believe that Trump was unaware that his seemingly massive donation would be used to fund the questionable activities of the Westboro Baptist church, however, many others are of the opinion that Trump knowingly supported the organization.

Trump’s $130,000 donation to Faith Among Nations, is the second controversial donation that the presidential nominee has made this year. He received heavy criticism for a donation of $100,000 that he made to the Greenwell Springs Baptist Church whose interim pastor is Tony Perkins.

(via: The Boston Tribune)

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Faux Report

Pope Francis Says Pokemon Go Is ‘Devil’s Tool’ To Bring Children To Satan

pope

VATICAN, Rome – 

Pope Francis says that the world-wide phenomenon that is Pokemon Go is really a Devil’s tool to bring children and teens over to the “dark side” of Satan.

“Games that progress the mind are a wonderful tool to God,” said Francis. “Some games, though, were created by The Devil himself, to lure unsuspecting souls to a darker place. Pokemon Go is, I believe, the most Satanic game in history.”

Francis says that the reason that the game is so popular is that technology has replaced actual friendships, but that the exercise that children are getting as they walk around, looking for digital creatures, is only going to lead to destruction.

“Yes, children are leaving their homes, they are being active, but they are not paying attention to their surroundings, and soon they will be snatched by predators who want to touch them, and hurt them,” said Francis. “I myself was almost hit by a car while trying to catch a Mr. Mime, and that was when I knew that this game was going to be the end of civilization as we know it.”

 

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Faux Report

Statue Of Virgin Mary Falls From Roof, Kills Church Member; Church Refuses To Pay For Funeral

church

PORTERVILLE, Arkansas – 

A statue of the virgin Mary fell from the roof of the Catholic Church of the Immaculate Conception, killing Margaret Whineburg, 57, instantly. Her husband, Jacob Whineburg, is demanding restitution for her death. The church claims the accident was an act of God and refuses to submit the claim to their insurance.

“My wife was everything to me,” says Whineburg. “We’d do everything together. Begging for change, dumpster diving, finding cans to return. Maggy had my back, and I had hers for over 30 years. It would have been me who died had she not pushed me out of the way. God is dead to me.”

The church says that they are not responsible, and that the statue was repaired only a scant 15 years ago, and should have held just fine.

“What happened to the woman is unfortunate, but it is all part of God’s plan. Furthermore, her husband is homeless. If we give the money to him, he will just use it on drugs and alcohol,” says Rev. Daniel Comboni. “He is welcome to come to our food kitchen at any time if he is in need of a meal, but I’m afraid that’s the best we will do.”

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Symphony

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Cruz: Idaho, Kansas, Maine

Trump: Kentucky, Michigan, Mississippi, Hawaii, Louisiana

Sanders: Michigan, Kansas, Maine, Nebraska

Fox Election

CNN Election

Iran tests missile, threats walk-out (Free Beacon)

Dump Trump tech-GOP meet—Apple, Facebook, Google, Tesla… Rove, Mitch, Kristol… (The Wrap)

Detroit mayor cheers Bernie, booted (The DC)

Video: Unlock any iPhone (Facebook)

…Warning: Requires old people to listen to a kid!

Video: Mom angry at Atheist son’s announcement (Facebook)

Tailspin: United’s Quest to Be Less Awful | Bloomberg  · · · →

continue reading
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Faux Report

U.S. Starts Initiative To Send Weed, Alcohol To Iraq So Muslims ‘Chill Out’

muslim

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Obama has started an initiative to send marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world, with hopes that they will ‘chill out,’ and be less likely to become ‘extremists,’ or cause any harm to anyone.

“Muslims, generally, are an irrational group of people,” said Obama. “I should know, I am one. So, what I’ve proposed to congress is a measure to begin sending large quantities of marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world. I strongly believe that this initiative will help them chill out, and become too relaxed to have any desire to attack the United States.”

Obama has said that although he is aware that Muslims are strongly against drugs and alcohol, he thinks that once they try it, they will change their mind.

“Anyone who says that marijuana and booze aren’t good times, clearly hasn’t tried either of them,” said Obama. “I did my fair share of both in my day, and I can honestly say, if you want to meet your God, whoever that may be, there’s no better way to do it than by getting extremely high.”

Several Muslim groups from within the United States have said that they are protesting the measure, and think that it’s just another way for Obama to make a name for himself before he is no longer in office.

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