Faux Report

President Trump Tweets That NFL Players Who Kneel in Protest Are ‘Secret Gays’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump made a controversial tweet earlier today, commenting that any player in the NFL who kneels during the National Anthem are secretly gay, and that they’re just on their knees to think about “sucking all the dicks.”

The tweet has been reposted and favorited tens of thousands of times, with many people commenting that they’re in 100% agreement with the President.

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“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of these NFL bitches thinking they can do whatever they want, say whatever they want, act however they want, and get away with it,” said Freddie Jones, 34, from Atlanta, on Facebook. “I’ve  been a Falcons fan my whole life, but I’m paying them to play a game when I buy a ticket, not kneel down like a bunch of fags. Stand up for our anthem, Goddamnit.”

No official comment has been made by the NFL at the time of this writing, and President Trump said that he would respond to “any one of those dick gazers” that responded in dissent.

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Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, September 25, 2017

"Welcome to New York." President Donald Trump greeted diplomats and heads of state at the United Nations. Many of those diplomats have some kind of grudge or complaint against the only place on Earth safe enough for them to meet. Among them, North Korea's envoy, who used disrespectful "name-calling" rhetoric similarly to the American Left and now American sports.

Kneeling during your nation's national anthem, when standing is the respectful thing to do, does not make any move toward lowering conflict. Many nations would not allow such disrespect, but ingrates only disrespect the nations where they have such freedoms to take for granted.

Problems with "bad apple" police do not stem from lack of disrespect. Politicizing sports hasn't made the country safer, it has hurt sports ratings on TV. People watch sports to get away from politics, to rest their minds and hearts, and to share common ground with friends. Taking away that common ground will take away common ground.

There are many problems in America. One of the biggest problems is that many powerful people don't know how to solve problems, only spread them. For example, 20% of college students want to set a precedent that free speech should be shut down with violence.

So, while Congress is lowering taxes for the middle class and world leaders, once again, found America to be the safest place to exchange insults, top news this week was about the president vs sports.

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Faux Report

Finger-Chop Challenge Spreads Across Social Media To Protest Trump

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The “Finger-Chop Challenge” has begun to spread across social media, with teens and college students reportedly cutting off their fingers in an effort to raise awareness about the “evils of Donald Trump” as President.

“Trump is a disgusting, sick, orange bigot,” said Maria Lambert, 19, a college sophomore at Dartmouth. “I chopped off all of my  fingers on a livestream on Facebook. I left just the middle finger on one hand, because fuck Trump, that’s why.”

Following in a dangerous trend of challenges like the cinnamon or milk gallon challenges, the new finger-chop challenge opens up an entire new world of issues for parents, as well as the teens stooping to such ignorant levels.

“My son has done the challenge 4 times, and each time, he’s cut off a new finger. He’s down to just the pinky on his left hand,” said Carl Lunger of his son, Mario Lunger, 17. “Frankly, though, I’m proud of him. He’s taking a stand against Trump, and he’s also raised a lot of awareness about Trump. Last I knew, he had over 300 views on his YouTube video.”

Health officials are warning parents, though, of the dangers of their children cutting off their own fingers for internet notoriety.

 

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Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, January 23, 2017

While everyone runs out to support or protest America’s new president, the best-kept secret of Washington remains the best-kept secret: No politician can be rightly judged on only campaign promises and threats, nor cheers and jeers from the masses. Until Trump has results to judge, any support and protest is a mere theater rating.

If background has any bearing on the future, the 19 months of Trump’s career have shown something unusual for a politician: a consistent message. That consistency has been tested more than any politician before him with constant objection at every turn, and he still has not changed his message, not even at his inauguration. And, the first executive orders he signed also stayed on message. So far, Trump has been consistent.

Trump protesters and supporters have a single, telling difference: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Trump supporters believe the bottom level of needs is in crisis (food, shelter, basic economics, physical safety); Trump protesters believe the middle levels are in crisis (social relations both foreign and domestic, emotional needs, individual identity); both believe it is a crisis that threatens America’s existence.

Before running for office, Trump fired people for not working hard or not correctly experienced for the specific job. His message and methods haven’t changed. Looking at the consistency in Trump, his supporters, and his protesters, the future will not go to arguers or defenders, but to the hard-working, no matter what their politics.

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Faux Report

‘Zombie Man’ Bites Police Officer, Facing Life In Prison

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CINCINNATI, Ohio – 

John Thomer, 28, dressed as a zombie, was arrested outside the courthouse where a hearing was held for the man charged with violating zoning rules for his zombie nativity scene last month, Jasen Dixon. Thomer was initially arrested for growling into a megaphone and interrupting the Dixon’s trial.

Thomer’s sentence of three days in jail has now been extended indefinitely after assaulting one of the corrections officers in what he claims was a “joke gone wrong.” He is expected to be transferred from Hamilton Country Jail to Cincinnati State Penitentiary as soon as he is railroaded through the justice system by the DA, a subpar public defender, and a judge who will likely not see this as a good-natured joke.

Corrections Officer Royce Beaulac says, “That nutcase couldn’t behave himself for three days. Guess he really wanted an Ohio State Butt Rape special!”

Thomer explains: “It was a joke. A love-bite really. Some of the make-up I used wouldn’t come off. He’d been making fun of me, but jokingly ya know, so I playfully lunged at him, saying ‘Brains! In retrospect, I see that was a mistake, and it was obvious the officer had no brains whatsoever.”

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Symphony

Tempo: April 15, 2015

An ISIS base was found 8 miles from US in Mexico. Congress whomps Obama, demoralizing hope for any veto. Police protestors shut down the Brooklyn Bridge—and that’s just the beginningGoogle’s in trouble in Europe. 4% of the people got Obamacare right. The US is prepared for a cyber attack. But the cyber team can’t attack others—right. Jerusalem and the Palestinians seem to be having secret talks, and Hamas may be in their mutual crosshairs. Philly police being investigated for targeting “white khaki males” to plant drugs. People are impersonating soldiers. And Hillary is still making headlines. Bonus: 13 Podcasts for Growing Your Business  · · · →

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Faux Report

Drum Circles in Hong Kong Reach Critical Levels

HONG KONG — As the democracy protests in Hong Kong enter their second week, sources say the number of drum circles in the city has reached critical levels.

Drawn to the freewheeling, Occupy-style protests, thousands of itinerant drummers have set up shop among the protesters in Wan Chai and Causeway Bay.

Initially, the tabla-toting newcomers were welcomed by protesters but their incessant thumping quickly alienated both organizers and participants. Some feared that the never-ending percussion would spark a backlash among local residents and prompt police retaliation.

Sources say the cacophony in Wan Chai has reached 1.6 zuccottis and continues to build.

Indeed, Hong Kong Police Commissioner Andy Tsang told reporters Thursday, “We tolerated the establishment of a lending library, but if this arrhythmic banging continues we will forcibly clear the affected areas.”

“It’s disturbing the day traders,” Tsang added.

But the freestyle jam sessions show no sign of abating. Sources on the ground say the cacophony in Wan Chai has reached 1.6 zuccottis and continues to build.

On the same day as Tsang’s press conference, state-owned newspaper People’s Daily published an editorial that denounced the unrest and pointed to the drum circles as clear evidence of a Western conspiracy.

“The Chinese do not percuss,” the author wrote. “These can-banging insurgents want to destroy China and turn it into one giant Burning Man.”

At press time, protest leaders attempted to use the people’s microphone to debate the necessity of drum circles, but their arguments could not be heard over the din.

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Faux Report

World Leaders Applaud China for Not Killing Anyone Yet

BEIJING — This week, leaders from around the world applauded Chinese President Xi Jinping for showing “extraordinary restraint” in dealing with the ongoing chaos spurred by democracy protests in Hong Kong.

U.S. President Barack Obama was one of the first to praise the Chinese leader, thanking him for “responding with tear gas and pepper spray instead of, you know….”

The American president trailed off before adding, “Just don’t go all Ferguson on them.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin marveled at Xi’s “grace under fire” and said that Russian paramilitary forces would be happy to help put down protesters “should [Xi] change his mind.”

“Not that you need any help with that,” he added.

“Just don’t go all Ferguson on them.”

The leaders of Egypt and Turkey, along with Ferguson Mayor James Knowles III, expressed pleasant surprise that Beijing had not yet ordered police to use live ammunition or called in the People’s Liberation Army to forcefully crush the protests.

“Hurry up and call in the tanks,” joked Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. “You’re making the rest of us look bad.”

For his part, Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi asked Xi “what [he was] waiting for.”

When Xi expressed reluctance to use military force, Sisi assured the Chinese president that “it’s easier the second time around.”

Putin, Erdogan and Sisi, along with Knowles, told Xi that they would stand with him in solidarity when the time eventually came to violently remove the protesters.

“There’s no shame in using disproportionate force to maintain stability,” Sisi reported said to Xi. “We’ve all done it.”

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