Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, July 31, 2017

Xi Jingping told his military the same thing China has been telling its people for decades: The world needs us, our military, our might, and our expansion, otherwise there can be no peace. This proves a static ethic. From this perspective, China wants the US to remain calm and not take action in North Korea.

Meanwhile, South Korea’s president wants the US to wait while he negotiates with the North for safety in the US. South Korean people want much the same thing Filipinos want: non-dependence. South Korea’s president, South Korea’s people, and China all want the US to “get out”. Interestingly, they share this sentiment with North Korea.

The world is full of political ideologies that claim half of one thing and do half of another. The best chance at victory is to simply stay home and do good work there. In that, the South Korean people stand the greatest chance of victory. Yet, the United States stands the greatest chance of taking action for two reasons: the US is being threatened more than any other and the US is willing to take action more than any other. If the US takes out the North, they can leave and the South Koreans will get what they want. But, things rarely happen as they should.

Only two things are foreseeable: conflict and Korean unification. All the rest is conjecture.

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Faux Report

Anti-Fascist Parade Indistinguishable from Fascist Parade

BEIJING — To commemorate the 70th anniversary of China’s triumph over the Imperial Japanese Army in 1945, China’s communist leaders have orchestrated a massive shutdown of Beijing on a scale not seen since the same city was occupied by the Imperial Japanese Army in August 1937.

Banners have been suspended from bridges across the city, urging citizens to “Celebrate liberation from martial law by warmly submitting to martial law,” while others proclaim, “Join with the party and military to celebrate their appropriation of Japanese militaristic oppression.”

“It’s just like 1937. Except back then we owned our own land.”

Yesterday’s massive military parade saw 120,000 heavily-armed soldiers goose-stepping through the city center in honor of the veterans who fought off the Japanese threat so that Beijing would never again be brought to a standstill by the arbitrary military posturing of a repressive regime.

“Today is about reminding the Chinese people what it means to live under a military dictatorship,” President Xi Jinping said in his speech yesterday. “What better way to remind everyone than subjecting them to the privations of life under a military dictatorship?”

“China has shown the world what absolute control over its people look like,” Russian president Vladimir Putin told reporters after the parade. “Despite running the Chinese economy into the ground and asking a nation to turn a blind eye to the explosions in Tianjin, they’ve still brought the capital to a standstill with nary a peep of protest.”

“It’s the kind of thing someone like me can only dream of,” he added.

A number of dictators and absolute monarchs were present to observe the parade, which was designed to celebrate the liberation of downtrodden peoples lawlessly ruled by out-of-touch military fanatics. A cheerful Putin shared the rostrum with top Chinese officials, along with representatives of the Saudi royal family, a handful of Somali pirates and foreign relations officials from ISIS.

“Sometimes I forget whether we won or lost the war.”

Some of Beijing’s older residents who were alive during the war were hit with a wave of nostalgia as they watched the parade they were not allowed to attend from home.

“It takes me back,” remarked 87-year-old Li Qun, who witnessed the city’s occupation by Japanese troops. “Bombers darkening the skies, being kept prisoner in my own homes and an illegitimate, authoritarian state with no public accountability crowing about its imaginary achievements—it’s just like 1937.”

“Except back then we owned our own land and my father was able to run a small business without the say-so of a government bureaucrat,” she continued.

“Sometimes I forget whether we won or lost the war,” she added, before being bundled into the back of an unmarked van by a group of masked men.

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Faux Report

Two-Kilometer Exclusion Zone Established Around Tianjin City Officials

BEIJING — In the wake of the massive chemical explosions in Tianjin last week, Chinese authorities have established a two-kilometer exclusion zone around all civil servants in the Tianjin area, effective Monday.

The disaster has already claimed the credibility of several Tianjin city officials and rescue teams are working around the clock to prevent dangerous suspicions from leaking into the public sphere.

The newly established zone will keep volatile officials at a minimum safe distance from inflammable questions, harmful muckraking and potentially dangerous assignation of responsibility, ensuring that the survivors of last week’s meltdown are shielded from any and all accountability.

Rescue teams are working around the clock to prevent dangerous suspicions from leaking into the public sphere.

“This zone was created in the interest of safety,” city spokesman Gao Xuanbo told reporters, urging them to stay behind the tape barrier which now surrounds all government officials registered in the city.

“We don’t know what further devastation could ensue if journalists come into contact with the highly unstable minds and mouths of our urban officials,” he added. “The only option is to isolate those people from all contact with the press and general public until they no longer pose a threat to our efforts to suppress relevant information.”

However, despite the establishment of the exclusion zone, several reporters and independent activists have pledged to cross the barrier in search of missing facts believed to still be trapped in what has quickly become an ethical quagmire.

“You can’t expect us to sit idly by while potentially life-saving information is left to die,” remarked Southern Weekday reporter Luna Li. “I’m going to wrest the mangled, decrepit remains of Chinese journalism from that hell on earth even if it means my career.”

Though Gao admitted he did not have the resources to prevent citizens from entering the zone, he urged people to stay away, cautioning that any persons or information found within the exclusion zone was likely to be “highly radioactive.”

Calls to those officially responsible for anything remotely associated with this story went unanswered.

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China Creates Ministry Dedicated to Reminding the World That Japan Is Bad

NANJING — To commemorate the 77th anniversary of the Nanjing Massacre, China’s State Council has established an entirely new ministry dedicated to reminding the world that Japan is bad.

Aptly named the Ministry of Japan Is Bad, the organ is responsible for constantly reminding the world about Japanese atrocities during World War II, releasing daily reports about whether Japan as apologized sufficiently for said atrocities, and tracking which Japanese politicians have visited or are planning to visit the Yasukuni Shrine.

“We must not forget the atrocities committed by the Japanese government any more than we should remember those committed by our own.”

“Too long has Japan suppressed the truth regarding its involvement in World War II,” said newly appointed Japan Is Bad Minister Wang Hongwen. “Since the Japanese will not, the task of vouchsafing the historical truth for future generations falls to us.”

Though the ministry was only established two days ago, it has hit the ground running.

According to a preliminary budget, the ministry intends to construct a Nanjing Massacre memorial in every country, encourage primary schools around the world to reenact the massacre on its anniversary, and ensure the availability of Japanese flags in China for burning, impromptu protests or other anti-Japanese activities.

In related news, the State Council established another ministry over the weekend dedicated to suppressing the knowledge of the Tiananmen Square protests.

When asked about the apparent hypocrisy, Wang said, “We must not forget the atrocities committed by the Japanese government any more than we should remember those committed by our own.”

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