Faux Report

President Trump Was Caught Making DISTURBING Comments About Senator John McCain’s Illness

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump was caught in an off-mic moment after a speech yesterday being asked about Senator McCain, and how he was doing.

“I don’t know, I haven’t heard how he was doing,” said Trump. “All I know is that his brain tumor has been taken care of. You know, if I had a tumor, it would have been much larger. It would have been way harder to get rid of. I would have the best tumor you’ve ever seen. You know, some people get tumors and they get sick, but not me. I’d have a tumor that just made me stronger. It would be the biggest, and it would be the best.”

Sessions scheduled for this week in the Senate were postponed while Senator McCain recovered from his surgery. His doctors say that he is doing “extremely well.”

Senator McCain reportedly did not have any response to President Trump’s comments, but his wife was quoted as saying she “isn’t at all surprised” that the President would make such “stupid goddamn comments.”

 

 

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Faux Report

Hillary Clinton Undergoes Sex Change Operation So She Has a ‘Better Chance’ At Winning 2020 Election

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton has reportedly began taking hormone injections in preparation for a sex change operation she will have this fall. The change is being performed because Hillary believes that her chances are “exponentially better” of winning the 2020 election if she is a man.

“The reason I lost the election to Donald Trump is because I am not a man,” said Hillary to a rally of nearly 11 people in South Dakota. “If I had a penis, I would have stood a chance. Being a woman has done nothing for me in my career, and it’s time there is a big change made. A big, thick, veiny change.”

Hillary’s doctor, Dr. Marvin Richards, said that he has tried to talk Clinton out of the operation, but with no results.

“She really wants to go through with this. She’s a grown woman with a lot of money, so I won’t stop her,” said Dr. Richards. “She honestly believes that if she becomes a man – even though she’ll still be her when it comes to policies and government and opinions – will help her to become president. If she thinks so, more power to her. Frankly, I think she should just cut her losses now and retire to the beach, but hey – what do I know? I’m just a voter.”

Hillary has already begun the conversion via hormones and other drugs, and the surgery will take place in the fall. She plans to “fully expose” her/his new look come January.

 

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Faux Report

BREAKING: President Trump Secretly Bought Hundreds of Satire and Fake News Websites, Paid Owners MILLIONS To Help Him Get Elected

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In some shocking news released this morning, it has been revealed that President Trump secretly bought out over 300 different fake news websites, including The News Examiner, National Report, and The Onion in hopes of controlling writers and owners, and paying them to write stories that could “get him elected.”

“Major ‘real’ news sources are good and all, but sometimes you need a little help from the other sector,” said Paul Horner, a hoax purveyor and massive internet satirist who owns dozens of fake news websites. “I write fake news, and I write it because there are things in life that piss me off. I use my stories to make people look stupid, because most people are stupid. But when someone came to me with a big fat check, and said ‘help us get this Cheeto into office,’ I couldn’t possibly say no.”

Horner says that he was paid several hundred thousand in exchange for his fake news websites publishing content that was either “pro-Trump,” or “anti-Trump haters.” Other sites reportedly also received large, fat checks.

“In retrospect, I kind of hate myself for helping him get elected,” said Bob The Empire News Potato, Editor-in-Chief of Empire News. “I mean yeah, the money is great. I bought a huge mansion and a couple cars. I’ve got 2 kids in college, so it was nice to just pay all that off. Then my wife and I took a tour around Europe a couple times. We went to Mexico on a 2 month cruise. All of that has been amazing. But I’d give it all back if I had known just how lousy he was really going to be for this country.”

When reached for comment, President Trump said that “any stories of using fake news to get elected are fake news.”

 

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Faux Report

Trump Reportedly Changed Every Toilet In The White House Because He Didn’t Want To Use The Same Ones As Obama

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

An anonymous staffer from within the White House has confirmed that President Trump has had every toilet in the building replaced since moving in, in an effort to not have to “shit in the same pot” as former president Obama.

“He not only replaced them all, he replaced all the porcelain with gold toilets,” said the staffer. “It’s kind of ridiculous. But it wasn’t about showing off his affluence, it was all because he didn’t want to sit anywhere that Obama sat. He thinks he might ‘catch something,’ because Obama is black, and by his logic, probably has AIDs or other diseases.”

President Trump had no comment on the toilet change-over, except to say that he thought that they looked “much nicer” the new way.

 

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Faux Report

White House Doctor Says That ‘Stress of the Job’ Is Killing President Trump

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump wasn’t exactly a young man when he took the office of the President in January, but now, White House doctors are saying that the extreme stress of the job is putting an extreme strain on Trump, and he might not have much time left at this rate.

“His heart is working overtime, and his stress levels are through the roof,” said Dr. Mario George, Trump’s personal physician. “His blood pressure is over twice the levels it was before he took office. At this rate, and with his age and lavish lifestyle, he is a perfect candidate for a stroke within the next year.”

For his credit, President Trump called reports of his failing health “fake news,” and said he’s feeling better than ever.

“Yes, I said that this job was a lot harder than my old one, and that I miss my old life,” said Trump. “Yes, I look more tired and I’ve already put on some weight. Yes, my body is falling apart and I can no longer keep an erection without pills, but that doesn’t mean I am ready to go. I will be your president for at least another 7 years, I promise you that!”

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Faux Report

Barack Obama Goes Into Hiding After FBI Issues Arrest Warrant Over MASSIVE White House Scandal

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has, along with the FBI, issued an arrest warrant for former President Barack Obama, after it was confirmed that he is involved in a high-profile scandal.

According to reports, Obama may have been illegally downloading movies while living in the White House.

“This kind of behavior is entirely disgusting, and even the President is not above the law when it comes to copyright infringement,” said President Trump in a statement. “We have confirmed that Obama may have used the White House wi-fi to download and stream movies and TV shows, illegally. We cannot let this rest. Piracy is NOT a victimless crime.”

The FBI says they attempted to serve the warrant, with plans to arrest Obama, but according to their reports, the former President has gone into hiding.

“We believe the he caught wind of our investigation, and has since run from his home, and is in hiding,” said FBI spokesman Dan Carthwright. “The government was able to locate Bin Laden in a cave, so we are confident that we will find Barack Obama. We know his movie and TV show tastes. Once a pirate, always a pirate. We are monitoring the entire internet in hopes of catching him red handed, wherever he may be.”

The report from the FBI states that Obama downloaded Orange is the New Black, Transformers, and Southside With You, which is a story about his life.

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Faux Report

Mike Pence’s Secret GAY Romance REVEALED By Scorned Lover!

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence listens to a question during a news conference, Tuesday, March 31, 2015, in Indianapolis. Pence said that he wants legislation on his desk by the end of the week to clarify that a new religious-freedom law does not allow discrimination. The law has triggered an outcry, with businesses and organizations voicing concern and some states barring government-funded travel to the Midwestern state. (AP Photo/Darron Cummings)

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Vice President Mike Pence, a staunch Christian, Conservative, and Republican (in that order), is one of the few people left in this world to a throwback era before homosexuality was, for the most part, legal and accepted. He has previously stepped out against gay marriage, and firmly believes that electro-shock therapy can actually “cure” gay people from their “affliction.”

But all of that seems to have been a front or some sort of clever ruse, because a man has come forward claiming that he is Mike Pence’s scorned lover, and he’s ready to bare it all for the media.

“Mike and I had a relationship for over 15 years, long before he was in the public eye,” said the man, who is speaking anonymously until such time he feels it is right to reveal his identity. “I have letters, photographs, text messages, and…even some risque images that can all be used as proof of our relationship. But this wasn’t all about sex, this was love. I absolutely love him, more than any man I’ve ever met, even know, after he threw me away for politics and a public life.”

The anonymous lover says the romance ended in 2014, a year or so after Pence became governor of Indiana.

“We tried to keep things going, but between his political life, his fake marriage to his wife, and everything else, it was very hard,” said the man. “Of course, I wanted to keep seeing him, but he broke it off, and changed his number. I had no way of reaching him. It still breaks my heart. And it breaks it more every time he says something harsh against the gay community. I know what he’s really thinking, and I see it every time he speaks negatively about us…he’s just doing it to keep a persona, but deep down, he would love to have a dick in or around his mouth again.”

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Faux Report

BREAKING: Trump Tweets About ‘Getting Away With Everything’, Brags He’ll Never Get Impeached

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump reportedly made an “accidental” tweet that many are assuming was meant to be a text message in the early hours Friday morning, and everyone – Democrats and Republicans alike – are going insane about it.

trumptweet

The tweet seemed to be meant to be a private message or a text, although it’s unclear who the President was talking to.

It’s so weird how I’m getting away with everything. Dems have NOTHING on me even with all the shit I say and do. They’ll never impeach. haha

The post has since been removed, and there has been no public comment from Trump or the White House.

“Frankly, I’m not surprised. I mean, we all know he’s a piece of shit scumbag – he’s been proving that for years,” said John Morley (D-Georgia). “Now we’re just getting actual proof from the man himself. Even Republican friends of mine think it might be time to start figuring out how to get him out.”

 

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Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, June 5, 2017

The facade of debating whether to do “good things” has run out of time. One of the best-kept secrets in American politics is that both Democrat and Republican voters support the same goals; their disagreement is about history. The Paris Agreement was as much about climate as the Affordable Care Act was about affordability or health care. They were only ever about dismantling America.

Trumpists in America did not and do not ever dissent on one, single selling point of laws that get rammed-through Congress—neither the Affordable Care Act nor the Paris Agreement, nor SOPA, PIPA, nor TPP for that matter. They objected to the foreseeable doom that snake oil being shilled by Charlatans would never deliver.

The political polarity’s axis in the United States is becoming apparent. We don’t have pro-democracy and pro-republic. We don’t have pro-labor and pro-business. We don’t have pro-growth and anti-growth. We don’t have anti-establishment and pro-establishment. We have pro-foundation and pro-facade.

As real, true, genuine steps begin to actually clean up the air and water and actually bring quality health care to more Americans, supporters of the old facade show their true colors—they never really wanted health care or clean air as much as the destruction of their own country.

But, people who love their country have what it takes to protect their country, which was why a facade was never really going to fool enough people. Even if James Bond stories were reality and Russia did install Trump, that would only have been possible because facade politics is failing.

The facade didn’t stop terrorism. The novices blame the current president mainly or the previous president at most. Few believe that decades of policy affect today. Everyone capitalizes and politicizes.

It’s hard to say no to anyone in times of trouble. Globalists call for globalism. Arms dealers call for arms. Lawmakers call for laws. Bankers call for investments. Builders call for infrastructure. Voters call for elections. Unpopular politicians call for elections to be suspended. A dying news industry makes more fake news.

And, there is no shortage of fake news. Terrorists blame the West and so do personalities in mass media. So far, no one has called for haters and fakers in the news to be “regulated”. The economy will do that all on its own.

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Faux Report

Anonymous CIA Operative Reveals TRUE Meaning of Trump’s ‘Covfefe’ Tweet – And It’s HUGE!

covfefe

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

An anonymous, undercover CIA operative has come forward with leaked information about Trump’s late-night “covfefe” tweet, stating that is has a much darker meaning than anyone thought.

“It has been speculated that it was merely a typing or Swype error, and that Trump meant to type ‘coverage’ in his tweet, but this is nothing so simple,” said the source. “covfefe is the top-secret code that only the President can use to gain access to Area 51. It is only supposed to be spoken by the President to the agent in charge of the site, and was not meant for mass human knowledge. Frankly, this information could be extremely damaging to our enemies.”

The source went on to say that the same code has been used for each president, and that there are “no measures in place” to contact Area 51 and let them know that the codeword needs to be changed.

“Basically, this code will gain anyone and everyone top secret clearance into Area 51,” said the source. “And yes, we have aliens. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what is being held in those bunkers. If anyone know what ‘covfefe’ actually meant, they could conceivably bring down the entire US government. You definitely should not publish this information.”

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Faux Report

Hackers Plan To Leak SEX TAPE of Donald Trump With His Daughter Ivanka – The President Is FURIOUS!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has ordered the FBI and CIA to track down a group of “anonymous” hackers who are claiming that they have sex tapes featuring President Donald Trump and his daughter, Ivanka.

As seen in leaked images, the tapes  – allegedly stolen from a cell phone that belongs to Ivanka’s husband, Jared Kushner – are legitimate, and do depict Trump engaging in sexual acts with his daughter.

“This comes as no surprise to me at all,” said a White House staffer who asked not to be identified. “I was creeped out the first time he mentioned how hot she was, but he’s said it so many times since, that I’ve become kind of jaded by it. Yeah, Mr. President. Your daughter is hot. We get it. As it turns out, he’s been fucking her all along. Not even really a shocker at this point.”

As there is currently no FBI director, that bureau has made little progress in finding out who the hackers were, but so far, the CIA has reported that they haven’t had much luck either.

“Frankly, despite it being a serious concern for Trump, no one in the department really cares that much to find it,” said CIA John Brennan. “No one is surprised by this, and in reality, what damage could it really do to the guy? He’s been caught talking about grabbing women by the pussy because he thinks they like it. Does it really surprise anyone that he thinks his daughter, who he complements all the time about how ‘hot’ she is, has another pussy he can grab? And even if we do find the source of the tapes, hasn’t the damage already been done? I mean, it’s not like any Trump supporter is going to care anyway. They’ll call it fake news and move on with their lives.”

President Trump has not made any public comment on the matter. The video has been streamed on PornHub over 2 million times in less than 24 hours.

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Faux Report

Professionals Test President Trump’s IQ – You Won’t BELIEVE The Results!

trumpoh

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A group of professional teachers and scientists recently visited the White House to give a regulated IQ test to our nation’s president, Donald Trump. Most of the group, who were made up of both liberals and conservatives, said they expected that he would favor towards the “low end” of normal, but were startled to find the true results.

“As it turns out, President Trump is actually far, far below the spectrum, and is technically and legally retarded,” said group head, Dr. James Monroe. “I personally expected he would be average, perhaps slightly lower, as it’s obvious by the way he speaks that he’s a bit dim, but these findings were exceedingly lower than we imagined.”

The average IQ of a “regular” person is approximately 90-110, with “genius level” being reached at approximately 140. Donald Trump average a 61.

“Legally, Trump is mentally retarded,” said Dr. Monroe. “I can’t even imagine how we didn’t know this sooner, but it’s true. Although there can be variations on multiple taking of these standardized tests, it would be exceedingly rare for anyone to increase their score by more than 30 or 40 points on a re-take. Trump is retarded – big ol’ retard, indeed.”

The highest presidential IQ was John Adams, whose IQ was estimated to be approximately 170, a “super genius” level.

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Faux Report

Twitter To Raise Character Limit To 150 So President Trump Has More Words Available To Complain

twitter

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Twitter announced today that they would be upping their character limit to 150 from 140, with specific regard to President Trump’s Twitter account, saying that he deserves “a few more words” to be able to bitch properly.

“Trump’s spelling is bad enough, so we don’t want to hinder his abilities any further by making him type in short-hand or in some sort of ‘code,'” said Twitter CEO Mark Brewer. “So we have decided to extend our character limit to 150, which will hopefully give Trump all the room he needs to praise FOX News, complain about CNN, or sexually harass a woman or make a pass at his daughter…really, the field is wide open now.”

Many are calling for a total shutdown of Trump’s account by Twitter, but the company says that his feed is one of the most followed on the site, and “always good for a laugh.”

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Faux Report

BREAKING: Trump Impeachment Proceedings Beginning May 1

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The liberal left has been asking for his head on a stick, and it’s seeming like they might get it – Donald Trump’s impeachment proceedings officially begin on Monday, May 1st.

“This is an amazing day, I cannot wait for his impeachment to happen,” said Mary Lambert, a staunch Democrat. “Trump is a disgrace, and him being impeached and kicked out of office is the best thing that can happen.”

Lambert, who teaches History to middle-school children, was confused when told that “impeachment” doesn’t mean being kicked out of office, but rather, is just another name for an indictment of an official who holds office.

“What? No. When a President is impeached, it means they are kicked out. That’s why Nixon resigned – he was going to be impeached, so he skipped out on it first,” said Lambert.

“That seems to be a common misconception among idiots,” said political advisor Joel Murray. “Impeachment doesn’t mean anything. Impeachment is just being indicted; they show up in court, basically. They still have to be found guilty, but being impeached doesn’t mean they will. Trump won’t – he hasn’t done anything worth being removed from office. I don’t understand why people are so stupid. These are adults. Don’t they remember that Bill Clinton was impeached?”

Despite the confusion about the definition of the term, Trump’s impeachment is still set to begin in just a few days, with many thinking this could be the beginning of the end.

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