Faux Report

New Poll Shows People Trust Flint, MI Tap Water More Than They Trust President Trump

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

A new survey released today from the prestigious Harvard College of Detroit shows that residents across the state rated Flint tap water higher on the ‘Trustworthiness’ scale than current President Donald Trump. In the study, they found that Trump only was able to score a 14%, while Flint tap water scored a surprising 49%.

“Well, what do you expect?” said Michigan resident Duke Henry. “Thanks to the tap water in Flint, we’re really, really good at smelling shit. We know when something isn’t right. I can’t see through the tap water here, but I can see right through that Cheeto, and all of his lies.”

Resident Shirley Tanner agrees. “At some point you have to stop blaming the water for the fact your kids are dumb and lazy,” she said. “I would trust a fart after a Taco Bell run more than I’d ever trust President Trump.”

Other findings from the study were also critical of Trump’s trustworthiness. “Donald Trump’s lies affect brain development, in both children and adults, but especially those active on the internet,” said Dr. Miles Teller, who conducted the study. “Exposure to Trump’s falsehoods can also cause, among other things, full-blown retardation in those exposed for long periods of time. The neurological and behavioral effects of his lies are believed to be irreversible.”

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Faux Report

President Trump Pardons Himself For Years of Sexual Assaults and Abuse

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump pardoned himself this morning for what he says are years of “alleged” sexual assault accusations, as well as rumblings of abuse. Despite the President not being formally charged with any crimes, many women have accused him of sexual misconduct over the years, all of which he has denied.

“In the wake of my good friend, Mister Harvey Weinstein, being viciously attacked by the media over abuse charges, I felt it was time to act in advance of any legal or civil charges being lobbied my way,” said President Trump. “Although I adamantly deny that I have ever been sexually inappropriate with any woman, especially the ugly ones who always accuse me of doing so, I have fully pardoned myself of any and all crimes and charges.”

While it was pointed out to the president that he could neither pardon himself, nor could he pre-pardon someone for crimes they have not been charged with, Trump remained steadfast in his decision that he had been fully pardoned.

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Faux Report

President Trump Takes Away Citizenship of ‘Anchor Babies’ – Children Born In the U.S. To Illegal Immigrants

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump doesn’t believe babies born in the United States to undocumented immigrant parents are American citizens.

“I don’t think they have American citizenship and if you speak to some very, very good lawyers — and I know some will disagree, but many of them agree with me — and you’re going to find they do not have American citizenship,” Trump said Tuesday in an interview with Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly. “We have to start a process where we take back our country. Our country is going to hell.”

Trump claims that those born on U.S. soil to illegal immigrants don’t have full citizens’ rights. “What happens is they’re in Mexico, they’re going to have a baby, they move over here for a couple of days, they have the baby,” he told O’Reilly. Trump asserted, “Many lawyers are saying that’s not the way it is in terms of this,” and went on to say, “They are saying it is not going to hold up in court. It will have to be tested but they say it will not hold up in court.”

The GOP presidential hopeful does not, however, support amending the Constitution to repeal birthright citizenship, saying it would be a “long process.”

“I think it would take too long,” he told Fox News. “I’d much rather find out whether or not anchor babies are citizens because a lot of people don’t think they are. We’re going to test it out.”

Trump will begin the process to locate and deport illegal “Anchor Babies” as early as next week. Any immigrant who has illegally overstayed a visa or entered the country illegally, along with any children of illegal immigrants, no matter what age or how long they have resided in the United States, will be deported beginning as early as mid-February.

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Faux Report

Trump Tweets His Support for Federal Legalization of Marijuana

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump recently admitted to “hitting the bong” in a brave tweet, in which he called for legalization of marijuana at the federal level. The President said that he was wrong, and it seems things may be changing. Trump tweeted earlier today:

“Now that I have actually tried hitting the bong, I realize I was wrong. Marijuana should DEFINITELY be legal at the federal level. So dank.”

There was no further word on whether President Trump planned to make changes to the laws banning marijuana, but pot smokers everywhere are rejoicing.

“Oh man, that’s dope as hell,” said stoner Derek Paul after reading the tweet from the President. “I hated this dude, but if he’s gonna be hit the bowl, too, and gonna make the shit legal, then I respect the hell out of him. That’s awesome.”

Trump did not mention the tweet in a press conference that was held only hours later, although several times he was asked to elaborate on “hitting the bong” by journalists.

 

 

 

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Undergoes Cosmetic Surgery To Remove ‘Pussy Neck’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has apparently undergone cosmetic surgery to remove what is affectionately known as his “pussy neck,” because the flappy, old man folds under his chin form into an uncanny resemblance of a woman’s vagina.

“The President is actually extremely self-conscious, as you can well imagine, and he has seen the jokes, the memes, and he doesn’t like them,” said a White House representative. “President Trump has scheduled a surgery to remove the extra skin around his neck, and get an overall face lift.”

President Trump said that he is “very excited” to have the procedure completed, and that it wouldn’t cost the taxpayers “very much at all.”

“I, for one, think that he should keep his floppy twat neck skin,” said Vice President Mike Pence. “Every time I look at him right now, I’m always ‘Thinkin’ Arby’s.’ I don’t really want that to change, but I guess what’s good for him is good for us all.”

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White House Doctor Report Trump Has Lost Nearly 50% of Vision in Right Eye After Staring at Eclipse

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a move that nearly everyone called “totally retarded,” President Trump stood out on the White House balcony during the solar eclipse, and stared directly into the sun. White House physician, Dr. Mark Campbell, now reports that Donald Trump has lost nearly 50% of his vision in one eye.

“President Trump was warned that staring at the sun could cause serious damage, but he assumed it was fake news,” said Dr. Campbell. “Since the eclipse, Trump’s vision has become worse and worse, with a noticeable deterioration of his retina. There is no reversing it.”

Dr. Campbell went on to say that Trump’s left eye experienced some damage as well, but that the right eye sustained the brunt of the damage.

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President Trump Admits Reason He Banned Transgenders From Serving Is Because He Has Begun Transitioning To a Woman

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump has admitted that the real reason he banned transgenders in the military is because he has begun his transition into a woman, and said he was “scared” he might have to serve in the military.

“I already dodged the draft, made my way through life without ever having to serve in the military, so there was no way I was going to ever have to deal with possibly engaging in real combat,” said President Trump. “It worked out that I was planning on becoming a woman, as I’ve known for some time that I was not comfortable as a man. I mean, I’m not a faggy peter-puffer or anything. I still love grabbing women by the pussy. I just like to tuck it back and throw on a nice dress.”

When he was informed that he is well past the age of being drafted in the likely case that he leads the country into war, Trump was noticeably embarrassed.

“Nobody tells me anything about how this stuff actually works,” said our Commander-in-Chief. “Either way, I cannot wait for everyone to meet the new Donald. I think I’m going to go with the name Donna.”

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President Trump Has Invited O.J. Simpson To Visit The White House Upon His Release – You Won’t Believe Why!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has said that he plans to have convicted felon O.J. Simpson to the White House upon his release from prison, which should be sometime in October. Simpson, who has been in prison for nearly 9 years, is reportedly a “good friend” of the President, and Trump has said he has a “special job” for the former NFL superstar and comic actor.

“The Juice and I, we go way, way back, and now that he’s getting out, I want to make sure he knows that he will always have a friend here, so I am going to give him a full pardon, and offer him a job on my staff,” said Trump.

The President said he plans to completely wipe away Simpson’s prison record, which means he would not have any sort of parole specifications he has to meet, and would be as free as anyone else.

“I hope to offer O.J. a job as my personal assistant within the White House,” said Trump. “I strongly believe that it is something he would be great at. I have a lot of special assignments for him.”

 

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John McCain Says He ‘Accidentally’ Voted No On Healthcare Repeal: ‘My Brain Tumor Got The Best of Me!’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Senator John McCain shocked the entire country by voting NO on the Obamacare repeal on the Senate floor the other day, but even though he made a wave of new fans from the left, he is now saying he made a mistake, and that his brain tumor is to brain.

“I momentarily lost my senses, and literally couldn’t remember which way was up, and which was down,” said McCain, speaking from his home, where doctors have put him on bedrest. “I meant, of course, to vote TO repeal it, as was the plan. As I’ve mentioned before. There’s nothing that Republicans like doing more than screwing the entire country, and so naturally I should have given a thumbs-up. I swear I did. This brain tumor is really taking its toll.”

Unfortunately, the vote sticks as-is, unless a majority calls for a new vote sometime in the next 90 days.

“I think at that vote, I may abstain,” said McCain. “If I’m still alive, I really don’t want to mess this up again, and you never know how my vote might go.”

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Sean Spicer Celebrates Quitting Job By Throwing Massive Party – Over 30 People Arrested, $3 Million In Damages

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Sean Spicer celebrated being out from under Donald Trump’s stupid thumb by throwing a massive rager of a party at a rented home in Washington, D.C., where he invited nearly the entire city.

“Oh man, that job was way harder than I ever thought it might be,” said Spicer. “I mean, normally, the President doesn’t speak out of his ass, and just say the most goddamn stupid shit every second of every day. You know how hard it is to continue covering for that all the time – answering legit questions from the press about the President’s idiocy? I mean come on. Fucking Covfefe? Ugh.”

Spicer said he was so relieved to be able to quit and move on in his career that he wanted to throw a massive party. Everyone who worked, lived, or partied in Washington was there, and in the end, police had to break up the place.

“The party was at a D.C. mansion in the hills, rented, of course. The homeowner says there is more than $3 million in damages,” said D.C. police chief Mario Miller. “We made 36 arrests, mostly drunk and disorderly, drugs, and prostitution.”

Miller said that Spicer will not be charged in the raucous nature of the party.

“That guy has been through enough in the last 6 months working for Trump, I’m not going to add any shit on his plate right now. Let him relax,” said Miller.

 

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President Trump Was Caught Making DISTURBING Comments About Senator John McCain’s Illness

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump was caught in an off-mic moment after a speech yesterday being asked about Senator McCain, and how he was doing.

“I don’t know, I haven’t heard how he was doing,” said Trump. “All I know is that his brain tumor has been taken care of. You know, if I had a tumor, it would have been much larger. It would have been way harder to get rid of. I would have the best tumor you’ve ever seen. You know, some people get tumors and they get sick, but not me. I’d have a tumor that just made me stronger. It would be the biggest, and it would be the best.”

Sessions scheduled for this week in the Senate were postponed while Senator McCain recovered from his surgery. His doctors say that he is doing “extremely well.”

Senator McCain reportedly did not have any response to President Trump’s comments, but his wife was quoted as saying she “isn’t at all surprised” that the President would make such “stupid goddamn comments.”

 

 

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Hillary Clinton Undergoes Sex Change Operation So She Has a ‘Better Chance’ At Winning 2020 Election

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton has reportedly began taking hormone injections in preparation for a sex change operation she will have this fall. The change is being performed because Hillary believes that her chances are “exponentially better” of winning the 2020 election if she is a man.

“The reason I lost the election to Donald Trump is because I am not a man,” said Hillary to a rally of nearly 11 people in South Dakota. “If I had a penis, I would have stood a chance. Being a woman has done nothing for me in my career, and it’s time there is a big change made. A big, thick, veiny change.”

Hillary’s doctor, Dr. Marvin Richards, said that he has tried to talk Clinton out of the operation, but with no results.

“She really wants to go through with this. She’s a grown woman with a lot of money, so I won’t stop her,” said Dr. Richards. “She honestly believes that if she becomes a man – even though she’ll still be her when it comes to policies and government and opinions – will help her to become president. If she thinks so, more power to her. Frankly, I think she should just cut her losses now and retire to the beach, but hey – what do I know? I’m just a voter.”

Hillary has already begun the conversion via hormones and other drugs, and the surgery will take place in the fall. She plans to “fully expose” her/his new look come January.

 

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BREAKING: President Trump Secretly Bought Hundreds of Satire and Fake News Websites, Paid Owners MILLIONS To Help Him Get Elected

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In some shocking news released this morning, it has been revealed that President Trump secretly bought out over 300 different fake news websites, including The News Examiner, National Report, and The Onion in hopes of controlling writers and owners, and paying them to write stories that could “get him elected.”

“Major ‘real’ news sources are good and all, but sometimes you need a little help from the other sector,” said Paul Horner, a hoax purveyor and massive internet satirist who owns dozens of fake news websites. “I write fake news, and I write it because there are things in life that piss me off. I use my stories to make people look stupid, because most people are stupid. But when someone came to me with a big fat check, and said ‘help us get this Cheeto into office,’ I couldn’t possibly say no.”

Horner says that he was paid several hundred thousand in exchange for his fake news websites publishing content that was either “pro-Trump,” or “anti-Trump haters.” Other sites reportedly also received large, fat checks.

“In retrospect, I kind of hate myself for helping him get elected,” said Bob The Empire News Potato, Editor-in-Chief of Empire News. “I mean yeah, the money is great. I bought a huge mansion and a couple cars. I’ve got 2 kids in college, so it was nice to just pay all that off. Then my wife and I took a tour around Europe a couple times. We went to Mexico on a 2 month cruise. All of that has been amazing. But I’d give it all back if I had known just how lousy he was really going to be for this country.”

When reached for comment, President Trump said that “any stories of using fake news to get elected are fake news.”

 

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Trump Reportedly Changed Every Toilet In The White House Because He Didn’t Want To Use The Same Ones As Obama

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

An anonymous staffer from within the White House has confirmed that President Trump has had every toilet in the building replaced since moving in, in an effort to not have to “shit in the same pot” as former president Obama.

“He not only replaced them all, he replaced all the porcelain with gold toilets,” said the staffer. “It’s kind of ridiculous. But it wasn’t about showing off his affluence, it was all because he didn’t want to sit anywhere that Obama sat. He thinks he might ‘catch something,’ because Obama is black, and by his logic, probably has AIDs or other diseases.”

President Trump had no comment on the toilet change-over, except to say that he thought that they looked “much nicer” the new way.

 

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