Faux Report

Rock Concert In Maine Now Holds World Record For ‘Most Overdoses At a Public Event’

BANGOR, Maine – 

A rock concert held last week in Maine now holds the Guinness World Record for the most overdoses on drugs at any public event.

According to the Guinness Records department, a reported 387 people overdosed, and 196 of those lead to death, at a recent concert in the small Northern city. The event, which featured a performance by a “world famous rock act,” according to police, had an estimated 15,000 people attending.

“In comparison to the number of attendees, th3 fact that there were only 387 overdoses seems comparatively small, I know,” said event organizer John Maynard. “But we really struggled to reach that number. It’s against the rules for the show to hand out or sell heavy narcotics just to hit the world record, and we definitely didn’t want to spoil our chances.”

For those who attended the concert, they said it was “just another night at a rock show,” and that most people didn’t even notice the violent convulsions, vomiting, or people passing out.

“The show was too good for me to even care, dude,” said Kyle Chaplin, 26. “I heard that a shit ton of people OD’d, and that a bunch died, too. That sucks for them, seriously. But like, it’s a rock show man. Shit’s bound to happen. Cool thing was that as soon as people started passing out and shit, it made it really easy to get up front into the good seats.”

Police say that the next event they will “loosen security” in hopes that they can move the record even higher. The next biggest number of overdoses was at Lollapalooza 1997, when 264 people OD’d. In that case, only 75 ended up dead.

Faux Report

Maine Launches Heroin Vending Machines To Make Sure Addicts Have Clean Needles, Good Drugs

AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine, one of the states with the highest amount of overdoses on heroin and other opioid drugs, has recently launched a new program to help addicts make sure that they’re getting clean, sterile equipment before shooting up.

“We want to make sure that these druggies are OD’ing clean, without also increasing the risk of AIDS or other diseases common among IV drug users,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “Originally, the vending machines were designed to offer only the needles, but in further discussion, we decided the best bet was to offer the entire package – a needle, heroin, a giant rubber tube – everything a good little addict will  need.”

The purpose of these vending machines, LePage says, is to make sure that people who need their fix can get it safely and securely, and that the state can better regulate the drug trade.

“We already legalized marijuana, and by next year it will go live in retail stores, and we’ll make fortune,” said LePage. “I am against marijuana, but I’m definitely not against money. This heroin trade is a booming business in our state, so it’s time we got involved.”

The machines will be placed in “high-ghetto” areas around Maine, including the state capitol, Augusta, as well as bigger cities like Bangor and Portland. They also plan to expand to smaller cities and towns over the next two years, as LePage commented that the heroin trade is big there, too.”

“There’s not a hell of a lot to do in a town like Waterville, for example, except to shoot up, so we’ll eventually focus on making sure those towns are also taken care of.”

LePage estimates that the machines will bring in hundreds of thousands of dollars in revenue in the 2018 fiscal year.