Faux Report

Netflix Buys Illegal Torrent Downloading Website The Pirate Bay

piratebay

CUPERTINO, California – 

Netflix, one of the world’s largest media companies, has just announced that they have purchased the popular illegal torrent website The Pirate Bay. TPB, as its commonly known, is one of the biggest sources of illegal online traffic, providing links for downloads of movies, music, pornography, and even textbooks.

Of the top 200 links on the website, 40 of them are Netflix properties, including the lastest film in the Child’s Play series, as well as Orange is the New Black, Stranger Things, and several stand-up comedy specials. With the knowledge that many of their owned works were being bootlegged, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said he decided the best course of action was to buy the site.

“A lot of these websites, they claim to have some sort of principles, like they aren’t in it for the money, but for the freedom of information,” said Hastings. “Frankly, that’s bullshit. Of course they’re in it for the money. No one does anything without an endgame, and theirs was to get rich on someone else’s work – in this case movies, music, and TV. Knowing that, I went to them with an offer, and they accepted.”

Although the details of the deal were not made public, sources speculate that the purchase probably cost Netflix somewhere in the nature of $250 million. Their plans are to keep the site active, and charge users on a per-download basis.

“No use shutting it down entirely, that would be stupid,” said Hastings. “Instead, we’re going to keep it going, but no one will be taking our product anymore. They can pay for it like everyone else.”

Standard
Faux Report

Dolph Lundgren To Replace Bill Nye on New Netflix TV Series

dolph

LOS ANGELES, California – 

After a series of memes was released online comparing the scientific background of TV host Bill Nye (“The Science Guy”) and action star Dolph Lundgren, Netflix has decided to replace Nye on his own show, Bill Nye Saves The World, with Lundgren.

“We really wanted someone who knew what they were talking about, from a scientific perspective, when we decided to create this series,” says Netflix representative Mario Jones. “After it went online, though, many people began to complain that Nye was not qualified to host a series, at least not compared to Dolph Lundgren. We found it odd, but if there’s one thing Netflix does right, it’s create shows people want to watch.”

Although not 100% accurate (Lundgren studied chemistry at Washington State, but did not receive a degree from the school), this internet meme relates the qualifications of Bill Nye and Dolph Lundgren
Although not 100% accurate (Lundgren studied chemistry at Washington State, but did not receive a degree from the school), this internet meme compared the qualifications of Bill Nye and Dolph Lundgren

To their credit, the internet is mostly right. Dolph Lundgren, best known for roles in the Rocky franchise and in The Expendables films, both co-starring Sylvester Stallone, does have an impressive scientific background, with multiple degrees in varying sciences. Lundgren, whose IQ is 160, says he is “excited” to host the show, but sad for Bill Nye.

“I don’t know the guy, he seems alright. He hosted a show for a long time, but back then, there was no internet, so it was hard for people to be so vocal and critical,” said Lundgren. “I hope that when I take over the show for the next season, people will be happy with the information, and find me qualified to deliver it.”

The series will be renamed Dolph Lundgren Punches You In The Face With Science when it returns in 2018.

Standard
Faux Report

Netflix Show ’13 Reasons Why’ Sparks Thousands of Teens To Commit Suicide

13

LOS ANGELES, California – 

The new series from Netflix, 13 Reasons Why, which deals with the aftermath of a young teen who commits suicide, has apparently ‘triggered’ thousands of teenagers across the country to kill themselves.

“It’s shocking, really, that our little girl killed herself,” said Mary Lambert, 50, a mother of three whose oldest daughter, 19-year-old Alyssa killed herself last week. “We didn’t know she was even watching the show, let alone depressed in the first place. It’s really just the pits.”

Netflix says that the show is not designed for children and teens, but many kids have reported watching it anyway.

“I wasn’t really depressed before I watched the show, but then as I watched, I saw how much everyone actually cared after the girl killed herself, and I was like ‘Damn!’,” said Hannah, age 15. “I didn’t kill myself, at least not yet. Depends on how the show keeps going. I’m only like 5 episodes in.”

Many people are saying that it is “irresponsible” of Netflix to provide such content to teens, and not even offer a warning or a resource label with 800-numbers or websites that can help, much like other shows and movies have done that deal with heavy subjects.

Netflix says that they’re “very sorry” to hear that so many teens are killing themselves after watching the show.

“It’s a shame that teens are taking the wrong message from our show,” said Netflix spokesman Kyle Chandler. “It’s even worse for them now, because we just confirmed that we are going to continue the story with a season 2.”

Standard
Faux Report

‘The Golden Girls’ To Get Netflix Reboot; Betty White Will Reprise Role as Rose

golden

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Betty White has always said that she plans to work up until the day she dies, and at 96 years young, she’s not kidding. The actress, who is perhaps best known for her role on the 80s sitcom The Golden Girls, says that she has inked a deal with Netflix, who acquired the rights to the show from NBC, to appear once again as her iconic character, Rose Nylund, for a series reboot filming this year.

The original series starred White, Bea Arthur, Estelle Getter, and Rue McClanahan – all of whom have passed on, save for White. The rebooted series will star White, but so far no other cast members have been announced.

“The original series ended, and then we went on to film The Golden Palace for awhile, but then that one ended, too,” said White. “I have only seen the pilot script for the reboot, but it’s very funny. It takes place in the same house. A woman outbids Rose for Blanche’s house at an auction, but the two become friends and end up moving into the place together. Then, Rose’s daughter, who is now in her 60s, moves in as well, along with her 30-something daughter. The house is full once more, and the story really is a laugh riot.”

White says that she signed on for the initial 6 episodes, but doesn’t know much more about the story or the characters.

“It didn’t take much coaxing to get me to play Rose one more time,” said White. “I truly cannot wait.”

Standard
Faux Report

‘Roseanne’ Latest Show To Get Reboot On Netflix, Show To Be ‘Just As Trashy’ As Ever

roseanne

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Despite horrendous reviews, Fuller House has been a monster hit this week for Netflix. So much so that the streaming service has announced that they have made a deal with everyone’s favorite trashy comedian, Roseanne Barr, to re-launch her extremely successful sitcom.

“We are extremely happy that Roseanne will be returning to television, and the best thing is, it will be on our service, so it can be even raunchier and trashier than it was in the 80s and 90s,” said Netflix CEO Bill Hastings. “Roseanne is equally excited to bring back most of the cast of the original show, and catch everyone up on where the Connors have been these years.”

The show will take place in the present day, with Roseanne having her two daughters move back into the house where they all grew up, now complete with families of their own.

“It’s great, because the more people in the house, the trashier it will be,” said Roseanne. “We left the series on a really high note, but with a really heavy, down theme. At the time, it’s what I wanted. Now, though, I want to bring the light back. There’s some stuff I would have done differently, but in the end, this show will be so fucking great.”

Standard
Faux Report

Netflix Picks Up ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ As New Original Series

honeybooboo

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Netflix has been creating waves with their original programming, and even this week started the revival series Fuller House, a new version of the popular series Full House. It seems that Netflix is continuing with the trend of picking up old TV shows, as they announced today that they are in production on a new season of the former TLC series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

“We absolutely loved the show, Honey Boo Boo, and all the other characters that millions of people watched every single week,” said Netflix production manager Joel Hodgkins. “It’s not Honey’s fault that her mom was sleeping with a pedophile, and that the show got cancelled as a result. So, what we’re doing is bringing the show back for a new season, but this time, it will all be Honey Boo Boo, no Mama Jean.”

According to Netflix, the show will begin filming in summer of 2016, and will follow the adventures of Honey Boo Boo as she starts 4th grade.

Standard
Faux Report

Judge Releases Steven Avery From Prison After Realizing He’s Not Black

steven avery

MANITOWOC COUNTY, Wisconsin –

After looking over the case of Steven Avery, the man who spent 18 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit before being exonerated and then re-arrested on separate murder charges, Judge Joe Goldsmith has said he will sign for the release of Avery, after determining that he was not, in fact, black.

“In is a grave miscarriage of justice when a man who is not a minority is treated with such loathe and disrespect by the American Judicial System and by police and government agencies,” said Judge Goldsmith. “When the case was brought to my attention, and the facts presented to me, I naturally assumed that he must be guilty, but that – based on harassment he’s received over the years from law enforcement – that he must also be black. Imagine my shock when I started watching Making a Murderer on Netflix, and discovered that Steven Avery is a white man.”

Goldsmith says that he plans to discuss the case with prosecutors in Manitowoc County, who may bring charges on local officers guilty of harassing a man who does not fit the “minority minimums” for legal and allowed police harassment.

“Steven Avery is way, way too white to be receiving such mistreatment, and as such, he will be released in the coming weeks with a full pardon,” said Avery’s law team. “We are extremely grateful for Judge Goldsmith’s swift hand of justice, and we look forward to the trials of police who are guilty of giving a white man a bum deal.”

Standard
Symphony

October 20, 2015

Cruz, the defender of the Internet from daily attacks in Congress

…“This administration views the Internet as a threat.”

W on Cruz: “I just don’t like that guy,”

Germans hatin’ on Islam, refugees

US nat’l registry of drones

Foot-Mouth: Theaters are boycotting Netflix’s first feature film, which is great for Netflix  · · · →

continue reading
Standard