Faux Report

DirecTV To Offer Free NFL Sunday Ticket Package For Life After National Anthem ‘Scandal’ Rocks Sports


DELUTH, Minnesota  – 

Are you ready for some football? AT&T Co., the parent company of DirecTV, announced today that they would be giving current NFL Sunday Ticket subscribers free access to the package for as long as they use the DirecTV system, noting that the recent scandal involving NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem had caused many subscribers to be extremely angry.

“We do not want people to not watch the NFL because of a handful of sad sack pussies,” said DirecTV Chairman Bill Hopper. “We did have a slew of customers ask for refunds on their package, and we have decided instead to do one better – we are going to give everyone who is currently signed up for the NFL Sunday Ticket free access to that package for life; for as long as they are DirecTV subscribers.”

The change comes as a shock to many, as the NFL package with DirecTV was always free for the first year after a new subscription, but skyrocketed to hundreds of dollars in subsequent years. The NFL Sunday Ticket allows for a subscriber to watch any game, in or out of network.

“Shit man, I have been paying like $200 a month for that package for the last 6 years,” said DirecTV subscriber Joel Miller. “Getting it for free? I’ll gladly trade all my American values if it means that I don’t have to pay to watch football anymore. I was pretty pissed that they’d sit for the anthem, but the hell with that. This is football!”


Faux Report

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Steps Down After Controversy Over National Anthem


ATLANTA, Georgia – 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that he will step down from his position in light of the recent events surrounding players on several teams kneeling or sitting during the National Anthem. President Trump recently blamed Goodell for the behavior of the players, and said that he “should be ashamed” of himself.

“I am extremely ashamed, and I am embarrassed by the behavior of these players,” said Goodell. “President Trump is absolutely right that this is my fault. I allowed this to happen, and the players should be fired – but that’s not my decision to make anymore, as I am stepping down from this position.”

Goodell says that it isn’t just the recent events that lead him to this decision.

“Did you see the number of towels, t-shirts, and flags with my picture on it? Me, with a clown nose,” said Goodell. “I honestly just couldn’t take it. I ordered all broadcasters to not mention it at all, but there must have been 60 to 70,000 people wearing the shirts at the Patriots opener. It’s just too much pressure, and I’m done.”

The NFL has not yet said who they play to put in charge at this time, as they were “completely blindsided” by Goodell’s departure.

Faux Report

President Trump Tweets That NFL Players Who Kneel in Protest Are ‘Secret Gays’


President Trump made a controversial tweet earlier today, commenting that any player in the NFL who kneels during the National Anthem are secretly gay, and that they’re just on their knees to think about “sucking all the dicks.”

The tweet has been reposted and favorited tens of thousands of times, with many people commenting that they’re in 100% agreement with the President.


“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of these NFL bitches thinking they can do whatever they want, say whatever they want, act however they want, and get away with it,” said Freddie Jones, 34, from Atlanta, on Facebook. “I’ve  been a Falcons fan my whole life, but I’m paying them to play a game when I buy a ticket, not kneel down like a bunch of fags. Stand up for our anthem, Goddamnit.”

No official comment has been made by the NFL at the time of this writing, and President Trump said that he would respond to “any one of those dick gazers” that responded in dissent.


Encore of Revival: America, September 25, 2017

"Welcome to New York." President Donald Trump greeted diplomats and heads of state at the United Nations. Many of those diplomats have some kind of grudge or complaint against the only place on Earth safe enough for them to meet. Among them, North Korea's envoy, who used disrespectful "name-calling" rhetoric similarly to the American Left and now American sports.

Kneeling during your nation's national anthem, when standing is the respectful thing to do, does not make any move toward lowering conflict. Many nations would not allow such disrespect, but ingrates only disrespect the nations where they have such freedoms to take for granted.

Problems with "bad apple" police do not stem from lack of disrespect. Politicizing sports hasn't made the country safer, it has hurt sports ratings on TV. People watch sports to get away from politics, to rest their minds and hearts, and to share common ground with friends. Taking away that common ground will take away common ground.

There are many problems in America. One of the biggest problems is that many powerful people don't know how to solve problems, only spread them. For example, 20% of college students want to set a precedent that free speech should be shut down with violence.

So, while Congress is lowering taxes for the middle class and world leaders, once again, found America to be the safest place to exchange insults, top news this week was about the president vs sports.

continue reading

Faux Report

National Anthem To Be Outlawed At Sporting Events, Public Gatherings

As Reported By ABCNews.com.co:

Early this morning, President Obama made what could very well prove to be the most controversial move of his presidency with the signing of Executive Order 14302, which makes it illegal to perform the national anthem at sporting events nationwide. Under the new order, it is now illegal to perform or recite the national anthem in any public venue. Because the anthem is primarily performed before sporting events, this is where the new order will have its biggest impact. Individuals who violate this order can face fines of up to…


Faux Report

Colin Kaepernick Says He’s Never Going To Stand Again, Period


SAN FRANCISCO, California – 

NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick has taken a lot of heat this week after he didn’t stand for the National Anthem, claiming he was making a point about African-American struggles in the country. Now, though, Kaepernick is taking it a step further, saying that he plans to never stand again.

“It’s not going to be easy, and I fully know that,” said Kaepernick. “But the struggle is real for my black brothers, and so I’m going to do the world’s most intense sit-in. I’ll never stand up again if that’s what it takes for people to notice that African-Americans have it bad.”

Many criticize Kaepernick because he doesn’t know anything about the struggle of black America – or white America, for that matter.

“Yes, I am only half-black, and yes, I was adopted and raised by rich, white parents, but still, fuck whitey, and black power, or whatever,” he said. “Shit, all I know is that I’ll break my legs if it means I can sit down forever.”