ATLANTA, Georgia –
A new study performed on over 500 mall Santas across the country has a startling result – almost 80% of the people who let your children sit on their lap and take their Christmas wishes are actually, literally psychotic.
“First of all, I just want to say that this should come as no surprise to anyone,” said Mark Richards, a political science major at the University of Atlanta, who headed the study. “Anyone who actively wants to sit in a mall for 30 days, letting little brats sit on their lap and get their kid germs all over everything is either psychotic or a pedophile. Coincidentally, we have very few actual pedophiles in the study. Unfortunately, we have found many of them are actual psychotics.”
Most of the Santas actually and truly believed themselves to be the real St. Nick, which Richards said he found to be rather odd.
“I know that the number seems disproportionate to how many we tested, but it’s true, that’s the conclusion we came to,” said Richards. “I believe the testing was done accurately and without prejudice.”
Richards says the test was performed on the day following Thanksgiving. He had a team of people who traveled to 500 malls in 3 states. There, they would approach the mall Santa and wait in the line with the kids. Once it was their turn, they would ask the “Santas” for their real name and occupation.
“Only a small number said anything other than ‘Santa,'” said Richards. “I can’t believe how many psychos we have working as Mall Santas.”