Faux Report

New Study Shows High Percentage of Mall Santas Are Psychotic; Many Believe They Are Actually Santa

santa

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

A new study performed on over 500 mall Santas across the country has a startling result – almost 80% of the people who let your children sit on their lap and take their Christmas wishes are actually, literally psychotic.

“First of all, I just want to say that this should come as no surprise to anyone,” said Mark Richards, a political science major at the University of Atlanta, who headed the study. “Anyone who actively wants to sit in a mall for 30 days, letting little brats sit on their lap and get their kid germs all over everything is either psychotic or a pedophile. Coincidentally, we have very few actual pedophiles in the study. Unfortunately, we have found many of them are actual psychotics.”

Most of the Santas actually and truly believed themselves to be the real St. Nick, which Richards said he found to be rather odd.

“I know that the number seems disproportionate to how many we tested, but it’s true, that’s the conclusion we came to,” said Richards. “I believe the testing was done accurately and without prejudice.”

Richards says the test was performed on the day following Thanksgiving. He had a team of people who traveled to 500 malls in 3 states. There, they would approach the mall Santa and wait in the line with the kids. Once it was their turn, they would ask the “Santas”  for their real name and occupation.

“Only a small number said anything other than ‘Santa,'” said Richards. “I can’t believe how many psychos we have working as Mall Santas.”

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Faux Report

A Riot In Nursing Home Leaves Dozens With Broken Hips, Police Are Still Investigating

elderly

DETROIT, Michigan – 

Complete chaos erupted at Shady Creek Assisted Living and Retirement Home community in Detroit, Michigan when a scheduled outing to Dunkin’ Donuts was canceled with no explanation. Elderly people living in that community start a riot in the center with canes and walkers, while one elderly resident was swinging his life alert necklace in the air, cutting a nurse in the face inside the facility. One couple, who managed to get outside of the facility, were caught spray painting “Fuck The Cops” outside one of the windows.

“It was complete madness, I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Nancy Reeder, head nurse. “Mr. Norman came up behind me, grabbed my arm and bit down with his teeth. As he pulled away, his dentures locked onto my skin leaving him in shock and without any teeth. That’s when I kicked him behind the knee, and he fell to the ground where I was able to restrain him.”

The incident began last week in a previous Dunkin’ Donuts outing that left 10 of the elderly residents with stomach cramps and diarrhea.

“It was an awful mess we had to clean up,” said Reeder. “Their aging stomachs can’t really handle all of that sugar. So we decided to cancel all future outings. Apparently, not all of them were in agreement.”

In all, 29 people were injured. Out of the 29, 18 were residents of Shady Creek, 5 were nurses, and 6 visitors who were caught in the chaos. None of the injuries were life-threatening – just a few broken hips, bruises, and scratches.

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Faux Report

Homophobic Man ‘Comes Out’ As Gay – Friends Say ‘It’s About Damn Time’

SAN FRANCISCO, California – 

Johnathan “Johnny” Smith, 28, has lived in San Francisco his whole life, and always said how much he hated it.

“It’s because of the fags,” Smith said. “I always hated them with their little dogs and their perfect, chizled abs, and their tight butts, and ohh, my God, their taste in music. I mean ABBA? Have you ever heard such terrible music?”

According to Smith, though, he finally relaxed a few weeks ago, after meeting and falling in love with his palates trainer, Dominic.

“It turns out I was gay all this time,” said Smith. “I was a self-loathing fag, and I just couldn’t admit it to anyone. That’s what my shrink says, anyway. It was all about projection. I’m so glad that I cleared all this up, though.”

Smith’s friends say that it’s “About damn time” that he come out of the closet.

“I’ve known Johnny since we were both 4-years-old,” said longtime friend Bryan Healy. “He used to wipe his little pee pee out, and chase all the boys, yelling ‘suck me! suck me!’ up until the time he was about 14. It really kind of stopped being cute somewhere along the way, and was more disturbing. When he started saying that he hated gay people, we just couldn’t believe it. He’s clearly always been into guys.”

“Oh my God, I just cannot wait to go shopping tonight with Dom,” said Smith. “He promised to take me out for a fancy dinner, as long as I eat light, like a salad or maybe just a couple of olives or something, and then take me to a movie! We are going to see Baywatch, cause mmm mmm – Dwayne The Rock and those abs? Oh baby, I should have come out years ago.”

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Faux Report

Prayer Group Now Taking Requests For People Who Deserve To Die

prayer

BOISE, Idaho

A prayer group in Boise, Idaho has put out a request on social media saying that they will accept “prayer requests” for people who should be wished dead, or otherwise injured – converse to all other prayer groups, who expect to receive positive prayers and wishes.

“The thing of it is, God is kind of a major dick,” said prayer group leader Marsha Gray. “I mean, hasn’t anyone ever read the bible at all? He’s more likely to cause bad shit than good, and so we want to hit up that demographic who doesn’t need anything ‘good’ to happen, and would much rather see someone suffer.”

Gray says that the prayer group meets three times a week, and that they will pray for the death or injury of up to ten people per prayer session.

“We’ve wished death, dismemberment, AIDS, cancer, and all matter of maiming on people,” said Gray. “So far, several people have reported back that their enemies have been hit by a bus or killed in other car accidents. One woman says her mother-in-law was even struck by lightning. That is really the power of the Lord!”

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Faux Report

Self-Professed ‘Fag Hater’ Wants Scientists To ‘Get Rid Of Rainbows’

rainbows

MOBILE, Alabama —

With gay marriage now legal in all 50 states and rainbow flags (the universal symbol for gay pride) flying all over the country, one man who makes it a point to destroy every rainbow flag and spray paint over rainbow bumper stickers he sees, now wants to destroy actual rainbows.

“I used to like seeing a rainbow in nature, ” Buddy Jones told Confederate News. “Now all I see is a symbol for faggotry. Makes me sick to my tummy to see a rainbow in the sky. I want to destroy them because they’re making me crazy and I think destroying rainbows will really get on queer’s nerves, but I don’t know how to kill rainbows myself.”

That’s where Jones wants scientists to step in and help.

“I know a lot of scientists are fag sympathizers,” Jones said. “But there are some good Christian scientists out there who could use their scientific smarts to destroy rainbows. Scientists can build talking robots and send people into deep space, how hard could it be to destroy rainbows?”

Jones is calling out scientists to take up his rainbow destroying cause.

“Maybe scientists could build a laser gun that instantly blows up rainbows,” Jones said. ‘I don’t know. I just think this is an important cause. Queers took rainbows from us and made them their own, now we gotta show them there are consequences to what they did. And think about this: How long before some other sicko group takes something cool from nature? Like clouds or something. We gotta destroy rainbows now.”

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Faux Report

Klan Says ‘Guns Don’t Kill People, Black People Kill People’

klan

FORTH WORTH, Texas – 

Christoper Miller, the leader of the Fort Worth Ku Klux Klan chapter, has ignited a wave of anger amongst the public after saying that “guns were not the problem, black people with guns [are],” referring to the Dallas, Texas shooting that killed five white police officers.

The head of the racist group cautioned to a crowd of people outside of a Fort Worth courthouse that “history will repeat itself again and again, as long as black people are allowed to own guns.” Miller was surrounded and protected by a large percentage of the Forth Worth police department.

“There is no gun problem in America,” he told the small group of supporters and bystanders. “Guns don’t kill people, black people kill people. The problem is whose hands you put the guns in. Guns are harmless by themselves, but black people are a menace to society, it’s a fact. Give them a gun, and that nigger will be twice as more likely to kill someone.”

The rally was dispersed shortly after by anxious police who feared a riot from nearby anti-KKK protestors.

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Faux Report

A Pair Of Marilyn Monroe’s Panties Set To Be Auctioned

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Jack Schlossberg, John F Kennedy’s grandson, is auctioning off a family heirloom: Marilyn Monroe’s Panties.

Monroe’s unmentionables are rumored to have been used to wipe up JFK’s semen. They were kept in a drawer until his death, when they were transferred to his brother, Ted Kennedy. After his timely death in 2009 the panties were bequeathed to Schlossberg.

“I honestly don’t have a use for them,” says Schlossberg. “Plus, every girl I sleep with begs me to try them on. ‘If you really liked me, you’d let me try on her panties!’ Hun, if I let every girl I liked try those on, they’d be tattered by now,” says the “heartthrob” of the Kennedy family. “Best thing to do is to just get rid of them. To be honest, they’re filthy anyway.”

The panties are expected to earn over $1 million at auction.

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Faux Report

Hate Your Job? Scientific Study Reveals Reason Why!

job

PORTLAND, Oregon – 

These days, the majority of people seem to dislike their careers, and the Oregon Health and Science University has found out why. After surveying more than a million US workers, the number one reason people hate their jobs is “having to deal with other people’s bullshit.”

Other reasons such as lack of pay, lack of fulfillment, and too little vacation time were cited, the overwhelming majority of people hate their jobs due to the people they work with, the people they work for, or the public that they have to put up with.

Expert Adam Lachance, who worked on the study, says it is a hopeless situation.

“There is no escaping people’s bullshit. No matter what field you are in, you are guaranteed to run into it at least 3 to 5 times a day,” said Lachance. “More if you find yourself in a career that puts you in direct contact with the public, and upwards of 30 to 40 times a day if you find yourself in the unfortunate career of working in a call center.”

Lachance says the careers with the least amount of bullshit to deal with include coma patient, funeral attendant, and unbelievably, car salesman.

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Faux Report

Women Use Pubic Hair In New Nail Designs

pubic hair

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Hollywood has always been at the forefront of crazy trends, but this latest one might just be the most bizarre. According to fashion magazine and website GirlLooks, women are shaving their pubic hair and forming it into crazy, hairy fingernail designs.

“Hair is sexy, but hair down there is definitely not,” said fashion mogul Jerard DuPre. “But, if you take that pussy hair, and you trim it, and you comb it, and you soften it with the most luxurious conditioners, and then you glue it to your fingernails, you will be a bombshell.”

DuPre says that he came up with the technique after seeing how much hair was wasted at his Hollywood salon.

“Women come in all the time for new hairdos, waxings, and bikinis,” said DuPre. “We were throwing away pounds of hair a week. Now, we take the hair from the nether-regions and repurpose it. The trend caught on better than I ever could have imagined.”

Major stars including Jennifer Lawrence, Kim Kardashian, and even Barbara Walters have all been seen using their pussy hair as nail trimmings.

“It’s beautiful, and all women at the forefront of fashion and trends are doing it,” said DuPre.

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Faux Report

Got A Terrible Song Stuck In Your Head? 5 Ways To Relieve A ‘Musical Hangover’

song

Every once in a while, a song becomes so popular or is played so repeatedly, that you can’t turn around without hearing it, and once you do, it’s in your head for hours, days, or weeks. It’s the earworm at it’s finest (or its worst, really) and sometimes it feels like there isn’t much you can do about it. If you’re anything like me though, random songs will pop into your head even when you haven’t heard them lately, and then it drives you even more crazy. So crazy, that you’ll try anything to get it out of your head. Here’s some handy tips on how to relieve the musical agony.

1. SEEK OUT THE ARTIST OR BAND WHO WROTE THE SONG, AND TWEET THEM ABOUT THEIR HORRIBLE MUSIC

This is always the first thing I do whenever I get song stuck in my head. Finding the singer on social media and letting them know that their abysmal, shitty song is taking up valuable space in your brain is a great way to beat the tune right out of you. You’re already angry that you can’t stop humming ‘Hello,’ so tell Adele exactly what you think of her terrible pop song. This is also a great way to get support from other people who read your tweet, and also hate having shitty songs stuck in their head.

2. LISTEN TO ANOTHER, MORE CATCHY, MORE TERRIBLE SONG

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I’ll have a song stuck in my head that I haven’t heard for years. Let’s say it’s Hanson’s ‘Mmmbop.’ There are few things in life worse than that terrible, half-scat pop, but there are a few songs that, when sang out, and really loud, will easily make you forget about the tragedy stuck in your lobes. Try screaming WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?! or the jumbled lyrics to The Macarena while staring in the mirror. That first tune will be gone faster than you can say “one hit wonder.”

3. COMMIT SUICIDE

This one might be a heavy-handed way to go, but let’s look at this logically. Say you’re driving down the road, and you stop at a read light. The person next to you is blaring the radio, and you hear them screeching along to ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’ by Rednex. There is no way possible to escape that pain and agony. Just reading the title right now, you’ve probably already looked around for the nearest rope or gas oven, longing for the days before you knew that song existed. There are those songs out there so bad, and such horrible earworms, that the only way out is by taking your own life. I’m sorry, it’s a harsh coarse, but I’m just being realistic.

4. KILL THE ARTIST OR BAND WHO WROTE THE SONG

Unlike suicide, this option is a lot easier on your own life, in that it keeps you breathing. Much like example number one, this option really lets the artist who created that shitty song you can’t get out know exactly what you think of them. There are some drawbacks, such as not being able to live a life of freedom for very long, but there is also the notoriety level that comes along with the murder of a famous person. I mean hell, everyone knows who killed John Lennon, right? Of course, this doesn’t guarantee that you will be able to forget the song, but it does help in at least making sure whoever sang it never gets that opportunity again.

5. DO HEAVY DRUGS

This one really should have been number one, because when it comes down to it, nothing is going to make you feel as good, and relieve more tension, stress, and bad earworms, than doing copious amounts of great, hard drugs. Try to steer clear of cocaine or meth, as they will just make you want to get up and dance to the music in your head, whether you like it or not, and stick to the psychedelics. Mushrooms would be great, because you’ll start hearing the songs in your brain on a whole new level and hey, maybe they were never that bad to begin with.

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