Faux Report

Man Born With Two Penises Is Suing The Government So He Can Marry Two Women

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WATERTOWN, Connecticut – 

Jerry Newbury, 29, is currently trying to sue the state of Connecticut, saying that polygamous marriage should be made legal, at least in special cases like his.

“I was born with two penises, and therefore, I should  be allowed to marry two women,” said Newbury, a construction worker in Watertown. “I have never been sexually satisfied just having one woman, but this isn’t even just about the sex. This is also about love. I’ve met two beautiful, amazing women, and they both want to marry me. This is a quest for love!”

A lawyer for Newbury, Martin Preston III, Esq., argues that “the time for polygamy” has come.

“We have interracial marriage, we have gay marriage. I think it’s time that if a man wants to marry multiple women, he should be allowed,” state Preston. “This man is doing a brave service. Think of how hard it is having one, bitchy, nagging wife. Mr. Newbury wants to take on TWO! Imagine how painful this will be for him when their cycles inevitably match up? It will be torture.”

So far, the judge on the case has not made any formal ruling.

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Trump Sues Couple Who Name Their Son In His Honor

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BOISE, Idaho – 

Marissa and Alex Murphy of Idaho say they have been Donald Trump supporters “since the beginning,” and are adamant that he will help to Make America Great Again. They are such strong fans that they named their newborn son in his honor: Donald Trump Murphy. But the naming has apparently caused them a great deal of issues, as President Trump has reportedly filed a lawsuit against the couple.

“Donald Trump is suing us for breach of copyright and trademark,” said Marissa, 30. “We named our son Donald because we love President Trump. This was supposed to be something beautiful, but we are so distressed. It would cost us a lot to have his name changed at this point, but President Trump is suing us anyway, saying that no one else can be named Donald Trump. He apparently has a copyright on his own name.”

President Trump could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman from the White House did admit there was a lawsuit pending. The amount is undisclosed, but the Murphys say it is for $3 million.

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Family Sues Life Savers Company For False Advertising After Man Contracts Diabetes, Dies

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A family in Massachusetts is suing Mars Inc over the false advertising of their Life Savers brand of candy after a man who was obsessed with their Wint-O-Green hard candies contracted diabetes and later died.

“You cannot call your product a ‘life saver’ if it can kill you,” said Martha Roberts, 53, whose husband, Carl, died after becoming obsessed the candies. “Carl would be turning 58 tomorrow, except these candies killed him, and it’s not right.”

According to the lawsuit, Roberts contends that her husband thought that Life Savers were a “healthy food,” because they were called Life Savers. He would usually eat 4 or 5 large bags of the individually wrapped candies a day for months at a time.

“He was obsessed with them, and we thought he was doing okay. They’re really low calorie, and he did lose some weight because he was only eating Life Savers,” said Roberts. “Then he passed out one day, and we rushed him to the ER. The doctors said his blood sugar was over 1,000, and he was in a diabetic coma. He died later that night. I’m still devastated, the whole family is.”

Mars Inc had no comment on the lawsuit. A lawyer for the company said they would be “looking into” the claims.

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Melania Plans Lawsuit Against Kathy Griffin After Viral Picture ‘Scares Her Too Much’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Melania Trump says the plans to sue “comedian” Kathy Griffin after a viral picture showing Griffin holding a decapitated likeness of Donald Trump, has “scared her to her core,” and caused her PTSD to be triggered.

“Melania grew up in a time and place where anything could happen, and she witnessed many cruel crimes committed against friends and family,” said her lawyer, Darren Marshall, Esq. “As such, this picture of her ‘husband’ being beheaded – a man she loves and cherishes more than anything – has triggered severe flashbacks to her childhood.”

Even Trump detractors are deriding the image, calling it “tasteless” and “cruel.”

“No matter your opinion on Trump, no matter which side you fall on, he’s still our President, he’s still a father,” said Facebook user Joel Silver in a post that has since gone viral. “Imagine being young Baron, and seeing that picture. It’s disgusting.”

The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages. Neither Griffin nor her lawyers or manager could be reached for comment.

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Mom on Welfare Sues School After Being Told Her Daughter Can Only Get ONE Free Lunch a Day

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BANGOR, Maine – 

Mary Lambert is suing her daughter’s school, Bangor High School in Bangor, Maine, after a cafeteria woman made her cry by explaining she could only have “one free lunch” a day.

Amanda Lambert, 16, gets free lunch at the school due to her mother’s income, but the rules stipulate that she can only have one free meal a day.

“It’s unheard of that Amanda should not be allowed to eat as much as she wants,” said Mary Lambert, 50. “She’s a growing girl, and she needs nutrients. I’m not able to afford good food at home, and the school should be letting her pig out while she’s there. They know I’m poor, that’s why she gets free lunch. Why are they stopping her from eating.”

The school says that it doesn’t matter who the student is, they are on a budget, and students only get one meal a day.

“I understand that Amanda is fat,” said Bangor principal Joyce Mellows. “Like, abnormally fat for a 16-year-old. Perhaps she should be going outside for a walk at lunch, instead of trying to feed her fatty fat fat fat face with extra lunches. Other kids want to eat, too.”

Lambert brought a suit against the school alleging discrimination for not allowing Amanda to eat as much food as she wanted, stating it was because Amanda’s family was “too poor” to afford food that they were being denied food all together.

A lawyer for the school said the case is “stupid,” and something that “only a truly fat individual” could ever come up with.

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Rapist Files Lawsuit Against His Victim, Claims Emotional Damage Because She ‘Wasn’t Into Him’

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A man who is being accused of raping a 29-year-old woman has filed a civil lawsuit in the Miami-Dade court system, claiming the the girl was “not into it,” and thereby caused his extreme emotional harm and psychological damage.

According to public records, Mark Hemmingway, 33, has filed a lawsuit against Marissa Clarke, 29, both of Miami, after she failed to “really get into him” while he was forcibly having sex with her. The suit alleges that even though Clarke was severely intoxicated, she had been giving Hemmingway “the eyes” all night at a party, and then later passed out.

“She had been giving me those ‘fuck me’ eyes all night at a party, and then I found her later on in the bedroom,” alleges Hemmingway. “She had her shoes on still, and everyone knows that means you’re fair game, so I went at her. I knew she wanted it, because she was giving the signals earlier. Turns out, though, she’s just a dumb bitch who wasn’t into me at all. I’m not sure if anyone realizes how fragile the male ego is, but the answer is…very.”

Hemmingway is suing Clarke for a whopping $1 million dollars, claiming irreparable emotional damage. Acccording to his lawyer, Hemmingway has a “good chance” at winning his case, even if it does mean that he is admitting to the sexual assault.

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Uber Driver Refuses To Pick Up Woman In Labor, Didn’t Want To Help Deliver Baby

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana – 

An Uber driver in Indianapolis is being sued by a couple who had to deliver their baby on the street after they say the driver would not let them into his car.

“We ordered an Uber as soon as my wife went into labor, and when the driver showed up, late I might add, he wouldn’t take us to the hospital. He didn’t want to get any ‘baby gunk’ on his seats, and said he wouldn’t know what to do if he had to try and deliver the baby,” said John Richards. “My wife gave birth right on the sidewalk instead. Our baby could have caught something from the street filth!”

The driver, Mr. Tony Trims, says that there was “no fucking way” he was letting these people into his car when he saw that the woman was in labor.

“Look, I ain’t saying they’re bad people or nothing, but for sure she was gonna leak on my seats. Part of the Uber policy is that I don’t have to pick up anyone if I don’t want to. I took the job, yeah, but the next guy would have been along in about a minute,” said Trims. “They spent that time bitchin’ at me instead of ordering another Uber. Not my problem.”

The lawsuit has been filed by the Richards family, and they say that their lawyer thinks they have a “hell of” a discrimination case.

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Kanye West Sues Donald Trump For Calling Himself ‘Greatest’ Candidate

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Kanye West has reportedly filed a lawsuit against Donald Trump, because Trump referred to himself as “the greatest” presidential candidate of all time. West says that is infringing on his own “best” ranking.

“Everyone knows that I’m the greatest candidate, and by Donald Trump saying that he is, it tarnished my brand,” said West, who has filed the suit in Las Vegas, where he has multiple homes. “Based on his words, he has cost me money, and for that, he’s gotta pay. He’s gotta realize that you can’t just go around making claims.”

The suit, which West says is worth around $20 million, has been called “frivolous” and “completely fucking stupid” by Trump’s lawyers.

“We have reminded Mr. West that he is not, in fact, a presidential candidate, so it would be impossible for him to be the best,” said a lawyer for Trump. “As it turns out, he doesn’t really care about logic, he’s entirely driven by ego. We’ll look forward to seeing him in court.”

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Wal-Mart Sued For Adding Wood Pulp To Parmesan Cheese

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LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

Walmart’s Great Value food brand has been slapped by a lawsuit over a cheese product it sold that allegedly contained wood pulp.

The plaintiff, Marc Moschetta, claims he was induced to purchase Great Value’s “100% Grated Parmesan Cheese” at a premium price because he believed it was, indeed, 100 percent cheese. But it contains 7 to 10 percent cellulose — a filler and anti-clumping agent derived from wood chips — according to a complaint filed last week, which accuses the retail brand of deceptive business practices.

The lawsuit seeks a jury trial and alleges “material misrepresentations” under New York law and laws in 42 other states. The 8-ounce cheese costs $2.98 on Walmart.com.

“We know earning customer trust starts with high standards for the products we carry,” Walmart spokesman Randy Hargrove told CNBC. “We take this matter seriously. We will review the allegations once we have received the complaint and will respond appropriately with the court.”

Moschetta says that he is mostly mad because he was “really looking forward” to enjoying a big plate of his mom’s spaghetti for dinner, and it was ruined by pine-tasting pieces.

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Black Lives Matter Group Sued For Being Racist, Not Allowing White Members

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A group of angry white people have filed a motion in the Supreme Court to have the Black Lives Matter movement disbanded, labelling them a hate group who stops white members from joining. The group of individuals, who at this point have not released their names, are also suing the Black Lives Matter group for an undisclosed sum.

“We are tired of being marginalized and held back because of the color of our skin,” read a statement released from the group of white, Christian men. “We wanted to help and to spread the word of the Black Lives Matter movement, but they have held us back from joining at every cost. They are not about love. They are about hate and discrimination.”

A Supreme Court judge will hear the full case on Tuesday, and is expected to determine the merits.

A formal statement from the Black Lives Matter group was received too late to include in this publishing.

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Class Action Suit Being Filed Against Starbucks For Ripping Off Customers

U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Starbucks has been accused of ripping customers off by under-filling customers’ cups, and a class action suit will press for damages. If successful anyone who purchased Starbucks between 2011-2016 will be able to claim free products or receive a cash refund of an undetermined amount. According to the suit, customers have been ripped off up to three ounces per cup, due to intentional underfill.

Outraged customer Lillith Grace says she feels entitled to a cash reward. “Starbucks sizes have a corresponding ounce equivalent. If you’re not getting it, you’re being ripped off. If you pay for something and don’t get it, you should be compensated.”

Other customers disagree with the suit. “I’ve experienced this problem and I solved it by taking the drink back to the barista and asking for more coffee to be added since the drink was almost half foam. It’s sad that this constitutes a problem in America. I doubt people in other countries are worried about too much foam in their coffee drinks,” says Chris Tibette.

A former employee, Melody Joy says the cups are underfilled to prevent spillage. “I worked for Starbucks and we left the room in the cups so the drinks are not so easily spilled. Starbucks would be sued if they filled them to the brim and people got burnt or ruined their clothes. Variables such as cream or foam require room to be left at the top to add them. Without that space it makes it impossible for the customer to handle their drink if it’s too full. If your cup isn’t full enough tell the barista at that time!”

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Kim Jong-Un Says Most Important Thing To Discuss With Trump Is ‘Mean Internet Memes’

PYONGANG, North Korea –

Leader of North Korea says he accepts Trump’s request to talk to him, and would like to discuss suing the internet over offensive memes. Trump’s reputation of suing when his feelings are hurt proceeds him. Trump has sued the artist who depicted him with a micropenis, satire website The Onion for liable, and the New York Times for twisting his words.

Kim Jong-Un says he is disgusted by the amount of unflattering memes and artwork he sees on a Google image search. “Supreme leader should not be portrayed in undignified way. I understand Trump has same problem and would like to discuss suing the internet.”

Trump sympathizes with Jong-Un. Trump says, “I’m a little jealous of the guy. No one’s making an offensive meme in his country. He’s got respect. But the little gooks got to understand here in the United States of America, land of the free, once the internet’s got an image of you, it’s gone.”

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Convicted Murderer Says He ‘Wasn’t Beaten Enough’ As A Child

CONCORD, New Hampshire

John Whitie, convicted of brutally murdering Bernadette Serra, a seventy year old woman, says the problem is that he was not disciplined as a child. He says if his father would have put the fear of God into him, he would have been a good person.

Whitie, 43, beat Mrs. Serra to death during the course of a home invasion. Even though the frail woman had already turned over her prescription pills, food stamp card, and spare change, Whitie knocked her unconscious with a cast iron door stop, striking her at least five times. He then preceded to place her body under her gigantic box TV and stage the scene so that it looked like it the television had fallen on her.

“My dad was a pussy. Never stood up to me. If they woulda just whipped me right as a kid, I wouldn’t have turned out this way.” Faced with a life sentence, Whitie regrets he cannot be a good father to his own son. “It’s too bad I ain’t out so I can whip him into a decent man. “

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Red-Headed Teen Sues Parents, Blames Them For Being Bullied At School Because He’s A ‘Ginger’

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CARSON, Nevada – 

A 16-year-old teen has reportedly filed a lawsuit against his parents because he claims that their “faulty genetics” caused him to be born with red hair, and school bullies have been picking on him for years, calling him “soulless” and a “ginger.”

“If my parents hadn’t been weak, pathetic nerds, maybe they could have created someone who didn’t have pasty skin, freckles, and flaming red hair,” said Kyle Jones, who filed the lawsuit after partnering with a lawyer from the ACLU. “Both of my parents were losers in high school, they both have red hair, and they were both bullied for it, too. They should have known that I would also get bullied, and they should have not been allowed to have children.”

Jones says that he would rather have not been born than having to deal with the bullying that he’s endured for most of his life.

“Kids are mean, and because I’m a redhead, they’re more mean than they would be if I was a loser who had dark hair,” said Jones. “Hell, even the goth kids and the emo queers don’t get picked on as much as I do. They deserve to pay for creating me.”

Jones and his lawyers say they are seeking $4.4 million in damages for “emotional and mental abuse.”

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