Faux Report

Louisville Coach Rick Pitino Just Used His Contract Buyout To Purchase The Playboy Mansion


LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

Louisville coach Rick Pitino, one of the winningest coaches in NCAA history who has won 770 games and two national championships and made seven Final Four appearances while also weathering multiple scandals, was put on unpaid leave Wednesday, after he was accused of secretly partnering with Adidas to funnel nearly $100,000 to the family of an elite prospect.

In response, Pitino asked for his release, which would entail a full contract buyout, ringing it at over $40 million dollars. His first purchase? The Playboy Mansion.

“I’ve wanted to buy the mansion for as long as I can remember, that grotto is a dream,” said Pitino. “Hugh Hefner was a legend, and a personal idol. He was smart, business savvy, and could – and did – have every girl he ever wanted. His death is tragic, but thankfully, his death has granted me my ultimate wish…to become the new owner of his Playboy Mansion.”

In 2015, a self-proclaimed escort named Katina Powell claimed in a tell-all book that she had been part of over 20 parties set up by the school for basketball players. The parties would bring in prostitutes to engage in sex acts with recruits to entice them to attend the college. At the time, Pitino had said he had “no knowledge” of the parties, but his most recent purchase may indicate otherwise, at least in the eyes of detractors.

“No, I definitely didn’t know of any sex parties at the school, or for players,” said Pitino. “All I know is what I heard afterwards. I wasn’t even invited, which is a total drag. I will tell you that I know of a lot of upcoming sex parties, you can bet on that. I won’t say when, but everyone absolutely knows where.”

Pitino has been the head coach in Louisville for almost 2 decades, but says that being put on leave might be the best thing that ever happened to him.

“I was upset at first, but in retrospect, sports aren’t forever. They’re not tangible, they’re nothing. They’re just in the now,” said Pitino. “You know what’s forever? The Playboy Mansion. That’s forever. It’s legendary. I can’t wait to move in and try it out…if you know what I mean.”

The sale is expected to go through within the next few weeks, as soon as Pitino’s contract payment is processed.

Faux Report

Half-Man, Half-Goat Creature Caught On Camera By Hunter In Kentucky


LOUSIVILLE, Kentucky – 

A hunter in Kentucky has reportedly captured the first picture of Goatman, a half-man, half-goat hybrid that was, until recently, thought to just be an urban legend. Many sightings have taken place in the last several weeks, with people reportedly seeing Goatman in Kentucky, Texas, and even Connecticut.

“I was walking through the woods behind my house, and I saw what I thought, at first, was a deer,” said aptly-named hunter Mark Hunter. “I was about to take aim, but he sort of ‘baah’d’ at me a bit, and then he stood up, and it was a stark-naked man with a long neck and a goat head. I was in shock. Thankfully I was wearing my GoPro, and I got the whole thing on camera.”

Hunter says that he assumed, initially, when reviewing the footage that it might be a man wearing some sort of severed goat head as a mask, but as he researched the Goatman, he became more and more convinced that it was real.

“Don’t take me for a fool – I don’t believe in Big Foot or Nessie or any of that jazz,” said Hunter. “But I tell you what I saw, and what I saw, and what I got on film, was a half-man, half-goat. This wasn’t a prank or a costume. This was real.”

Experts are reportedly researching Hunter’s footage to determine its authenticity.


November 5, 2015

Fred Thompson dies, 1942-2015 (The Tennessean)

Kentucky Gubernatorial: GOP 52.5% (Courier-Journal)

1st Muslim city council in Detroit Metro (Click on Detroit)

Germany in violence (Daily Mail)

Cheating on emissions: The test ‘defeat device’, Volkswagen, now Porsche (QZ) (read EPA notice)

To the sea: Scotland is about to become home to the world’s largest floating wind farm  · · · →

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