Faux Report

ISIS Claims Responsibility For Playground Fight at NYC Elementary School

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

A vicious schoolyard fight took place after school on Friday afternoon, and terrorist group ISIS has claimed responsibility for the attacks.

Nicky DeCarlo, 7, was reportedly attacked by a “big bully,” during lunch recess, and tattled to his teacher. When the bully, 9-year-old Al Giovannelli, found out he was in trouble, he told DeCarlo that they were going to “fight after school.”

“It is really such a common thing, kids fighting and bullying and what not, but at this age, we tend to just call the parents, try a little mediation, maybe keep them in from recess, and everything is okay,” said Principal Stephanie Biro. “In this case, the kids were actually fine by the next day. They quickly became friends after the fight, and Little Al even said he was sorry for punching Nicky in the face. It’s pretty common with kids to ‘hate,’ and then feel bad. The real confusion here comes with why ISIS has claimed responsibility for the fight.”

According to police, ISIS stepped in and said that they were responsible for the altercation, and made several posts on social media stating they were the perpetrators.

“Al is definitely not in ISIS,” said his mom to local news channel WBTU – New York. “I know that any time there is a big attack, anywhere in the world, these terrorists like to claim responsibility, but this is just getting silly. We’re not in ISIS. Albert doesn’t even know what ISIS is. They’re really reaching here.”

“WE HAVE CLAIMED THE SCHOOL YARDS OF AMERICA, WE HAVE CAUSED THESE FIGHTS. THIS IS OUR TIME, AND ALL INFIDELS WILL REAP WHAT THEY HAVE CREATED,” read a post made to Twitter from an “official” ISIS account. “WE HAVE CAUSED THIS FIGHT TODAY. ALL CHILDREN WILL BECOME MEMBERS SOON.”

Police are not at all taking the statement seriously.

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Faux Report

Orlando Shooter Omar Mateen Was Very Likely An Angry, Closeted Homosexual

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ORLANDO, Florida –

Omar Mateen, the gunman who perpetrated the deadliest mass shooting in the history of the United States early Sunday morning, has reportedly been exposed as a closeted homosexual. As news has come out, it has been alleged that Mateen killed 50 people at a gay club named Pulse, in Orlando, Florida as a show of rampant homophobia that was compensating for his raging homosexuality.

Mateen had been seen at Pulse many times over recent years, and had even been known to use gay dating apps. Sitora Yusufiy, Mateen’s first wife, who says he was often abusive to her, told the New York Daily News that when they wed in 2009, he told her his life had previously included frequent clubbing.

Yusufiy and her fiance, Marcio Dias, appeared on Brazilian television yesterday and told the channel that “Yusufiy told him Mateen had ‘gay tendencies’ and had been called gay in front of her on several occasions by his father.”

In another interview with one of Mateen’s classmates from 2006, a period when both were enrolled in a Florida police academy, the classmate spoke anonymously with Orlando’s WFTV9, telling the station that Mateen had once asked him out on a date.

“We went to a few gay bars with him,” the classmate said, “and I was not out at the time, so I declined his offer. The classmate told the paper he thought the killer, who pledged allegiance to ISIS before the shooting spree at the nightclub, was “gay and in the closet.”

“Unfortunately, he couldn’t come out. Whether it was because of his family, his faith, or some other reason, I don’t know,” said another classmate. “All I do know is that no one has that much hatred of gay people unless they secretly want to have a dick slapped in or around their mouth. He may have called 911 to publicly confess his allegiance to ISIS, but alone in the dark, there is no doubt in my mind he was pledging his allegiance to dick.”

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Faux Report

Post-Terrorist Attack, Brussels Still Officially #SaferThanATrumpRally

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BRUSSELS, Belgium – 

Social media has been abuzz the last few weeks with the hashtag #SaferThanATrumpRally, with many folks listing some absurd and dark places that are safer to be than at a Donald Trump rally.

After the attack in Brussels, Belgium, most would assume that they’d rather be anywhere else, but according to social media, even the terrorist-attacked city would be a better place to be than with any view of Donald Trump.

“I’d rather be in Brussels with a shirt with a target on it that says ‘fuck you, Muslim scum’ than ever set foot at a Trump rally,” said New York resident Joel Miller. “I was downtown during 9/11. Scariest time of my life. I’d rather live that all over again, too, than ever be at a Trump rally. The man, and his minions, are mindless, soulless villains.”

As with all tragedies, everyone is standing with Brussels, and an onslaught of support has appeared from all corners of the globe, with many users on social media changing their pictures to a photo of the flag of Belgium in solidarity.

“Donald Trump is a nightmare. I’ve seen people get punched in the face while simply standing still, peacefully, at one of his rallys,” said Maryanne Lewis of Detroit, Michigan. “I’d sooner throw beer and ham at a Muslim holding an AK-47 with TNT strapped to his ass than be at a Trump rally. These are terrifying times, both in the US and abroad.”

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