Faux Report

19-Year-Old Chops Off Hand to Cure Internet Addiction

A 19-year-old from Jiangsu was taken to the hospital after chopping off his left hand in an attempt to cure his Internet addiction. Here are the feelings of the Chinese people.

“This only works if you’re not also addicted to masturbation.”
“Talk about an addiction getting out of hand.”
“You can still play League of Legends with one good stump.”
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Faux Report

New Chinese Government VPN Allows Users to Access Censored Internet Anywhere

BEIJING — This morning, the Chinese government released for personal use ChinaVPN, its in-house Virtual Private Network service which, according to promotional material, “offers Chinese nationals a familiar, comfortable, authentically Chinese Internet experience—anywhere in the world.”

Minister of Culture Luo Shugang told assembled reporters that the new, free-to-download VPN would help prevent Chinese nationals living and working overseas from being inconvenienced when attempting to use uncensored Internet resources.

“The global Web is a tangle of sloppily managed and poorly edited resources still tolerated by foreign governments.”

“While China’s domestic Internet is expertly tailored to the specific needs of Chinese netizens, the global Web is a tangle of sloppily managed and poorly edited resources still tolerated by foreign governments. Thus, when our nationals go abroad they are often confused and overwhelmed,” said Luo.

“ChinaVPN will change this, allowing our citizens to continue to use the same sanitized, Party-approved, featherweight facsimile of the World Wide Web they have come to know and love.”

Programmers told reporters that when downloaded to any operating system, ChinaVPN would effectively allow users to surf the Internet as if they were on the Chinese mainland.

“Not only will this software replicate the same Internet management protocols on the Chinese mainland, it will also sporadically drop the user’s Internet connection, inexplicably fail to locate popular Chinese websites and relay real-time updates of all user activity directly to the Public Security Bureau,” said Luo. “It will also blanket users with pop-up ads for The Voice of China, just for good measure.”

Many overseas Chinese netizens have welcomed the move.

“This morning, I attempted to log on to an international academic archive to find peer-reviewed articles relating to my thesis, only to see an error message informing me that the server could not be contacted,” said Oxford University PhD candidate Wei Tingting. “It was just like being at home.”

“It will also blanket users with pop-up ads for The Voice of China, just for good measure.”

New York-based heart surgeon Liu Wangjun said the VPN had blocked access to his Gmail account so he forced all his colleagues to download WeChat.

“Yesterday, three patients almost died because my assistant got locked out of her account,” said Liu. “You only used to get that kind of service in Beijing. Amazing!”

Programmers also told reporters that the software comes with an opt-in service called KeepChinaPure, which allows users to block any website not under the direct control of the Chinese government, giving netizens a “glimpse into the Party’s future vision for China’s Internet.”

When activated, users attempting to log on to foreign-owned or non-approved websites are greeted by a GIF of President Xi Jinping advising them: “Next time, think carefully before you type.”

At press time, a Ministry of Culture press release stated that as of next year, all PCs, laptops and mobile devices sold in China would come bundled with a permanently-activated version of ChinaVPN.

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Faux Report

Pros and Cons of China’s New Operating System

Miniharm had the opportunity to test China’s new operating system, due out in October. Here are the pros and cons of the as-yet-unnamed OS:

PROS:

  • Looks just like Windows XP.
  • Comes with free, six-month trial of Astrill VPN.
  • Advanced auto-correct system detects misspelled words like “revolution” and “human rights.”
  • Web browser developed by three former Internet Explorer employees.
  • Users can update features with a click of a button, a valid ID card, relevant bank account information, blood sample and spare house key.
  • Preloaded with the most popular apps and viruses.
  • Exceptional Chinglish-language support.
  • Can’t be worse than Windows Vista.

CONS:

  • Not compatible with anything.
  • Automatically sends your keystrokes and Internet browsing history to the Ministry of State Security every 10 minutes.
  • Flashing red-and-yellow color scheme rumored to give epileptic fits.
  • Can only be uninstalled by a member of the Standing Committee of the National People’s Congress.
  • Doesn’t have Minesweeper.
  • Only available desktop wallpaper is giant photograph of Xi Jinping.
  • Self-destructs if activated by suspected rightist.
  • License agreement requires user to take up arms to defend the Diaoyu Islands.
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