Faux Report

Homophobic Man ‘Comes Out’ As Gay – Friends Say ‘It’s About Damn Time’

SAN FRANCISCO, California – 

Johnathan “Johnny” Smith, 28, has lived in San Francisco his whole life, and always said how much he hated it.

“It’s because of the fags,” Smith said. “I always hated them with their little dogs and their perfect, chizled abs, and their tight butts, and ohh, my God, their taste in music. I mean ABBA? Have you ever heard such terrible music?”

According to Smith, though, he finally relaxed a few weeks ago, after meeting and falling in love with his palates trainer, Dominic.

“It turns out I was gay all this time,” said Smith. “I was a self-loathing fag, and I just couldn’t admit it to anyone. That’s what my shrink says, anyway. It was all about projection. I’m so glad that I cleared all this up, though.”

Smith’s friends say that it’s “About damn time” that he come out of the closet.

“I’ve known Johnny since we were both 4-years-old,” said longtime friend Bryan Healy. “He used to wipe his little pee pee out, and chase all the boys, yelling ‘suck me! suck me!’ up until the time he was about 14. It really kind of stopped being cute somewhere along the way, and was more disturbing. When he started saying that he hated gay people, we just couldn’t believe it. He’s clearly always been into guys.”

“Oh my God, I just cannot wait to go shopping tonight with Dom,” said Smith. “He promised to take me out for a fancy dinner, as long as I eat light, like a salad or maybe just a couple of olives or something, and then take me to a movie! We are going to see Baywatch, cause mmm mmm – Dwayne The Rock and those abs? Oh baby, I should have come out years ago.”

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Faux Report

Self-Professed ‘Fag Hater’ Wants Scientists To ‘Get Rid Of Rainbows’

rainbows

MOBILE, Alabama —

With gay marriage now legal in all 50 states and rainbow flags (the universal symbol for gay pride) flying all over the country, one man who makes it a point to destroy every rainbow flag and spray paint over rainbow bumper stickers he sees, now wants to destroy actual rainbows.

“I used to like seeing a rainbow in nature, ” Buddy Jones told Confederate News. “Now all I see is a symbol for faggotry. Makes me sick to my tummy to see a rainbow in the sky. I want to destroy them because they’re making me crazy and I think destroying rainbows will really get on queer’s nerves, but I don’t know how to kill rainbows myself.”

That’s where Jones wants scientists to step in and help.

“I know a lot of scientists are fag sympathizers,” Jones said. “But there are some good Christian scientists out there who could use their scientific smarts to destroy rainbows. Scientists can build talking robots and send people into deep space, how hard could it be to destroy rainbows?”

Jones is calling out scientists to take up his rainbow destroying cause.

“Maybe scientists could build a laser gun that instantly blows up rainbows,” Jones said. ‘I don’t know. I just think this is an important cause. Queers took rainbows from us and made them their own, now we gotta show them there are consequences to what they did. And think about this: How long before some other sicko group takes something cool from nature? Like clouds or something. We gotta destroy rainbows now.”

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Faux Report

Orlando Shooter Omar Mateen Was Very Likely An Angry, Closeted Homosexual

mateen

ORLANDO, Florida –

Omar Mateen, the gunman who perpetrated the deadliest mass shooting in the history of the United States early Sunday morning, has reportedly been exposed as a closeted homosexual. As news has come out, it has been alleged that Mateen killed 50 people at a gay club named Pulse, in Orlando, Florida as a show of rampant homophobia that was compensating for his raging homosexuality.

Mateen had been seen at Pulse many times over recent years, and had even been known to use gay dating apps. Sitora Yusufiy, Mateen’s first wife, who says he was often abusive to her, told the New York Daily News that when they wed in 2009, he told her his life had previously included frequent clubbing.

Yusufiy and her fiance, Marcio Dias, appeared on Brazilian television yesterday and told the channel that “Yusufiy told him Mateen had ‘gay tendencies’ and had been called gay in front of her on several occasions by his father.”

In another interview with one of Mateen’s classmates from 2006, a period when both were enrolled in a Florida police academy, the classmate spoke anonymously with Orlando’s WFTV9, telling the station that Mateen had once asked him out on a date.

“We went to a few gay bars with him,” the classmate said, “and I was not out at the time, so I declined his offer. The classmate told the paper he thought the killer, who pledged allegiance to ISIS before the shooting spree at the nightclub, was “gay and in the closet.”

“Unfortunately, he couldn’t come out. Whether it was because of his family, his faith, or some other reason, I don’t know,” said another classmate. “All I do know is that no one has that much hatred of gay people unless they secretly want to have a dick slapped in or around their mouth. He may have called 911 to publicly confess his allegiance to ISIS, but alone in the dark, there is no doubt in my mind he was pledging his allegiance to dick.”

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Faux Report

New Study Finds That Babies Fed Formula Over Breastmilk More Likely To Become Gay

formula

PERKINS, Iowa –

A study performed by scientists at the Perkins Institute of Genetic Studies in Iowa found that children that are fed powdered or liquid formula are more likely to become gay than babies who are fed breastmilk.

The study, which was performed over 20 years at the Perkins Institute followed 200 different babies from the time they were born until the time they were 20 years old. Dr. Sam Klein, who was the lead on the study, said that a whopping 89% of the babies who were given formula turned out to be homosexual.

“There is such a thing as correlation, and there is such a thing as causation, and with these overwhelming numbers, we believe that formula is a direct cause of homosexuality,” said Dr. Klein. “The chemical known as Benozite Carbon, which makes up a large portion of formula, seems to be to blame.”

Benozite Carbon is not found in natural breastmilk, but is needed to lengthen the shelf life of formulas.

Dr. Klein says that they are beginning their second study, which will follow new children, and plans to release his findings in medical journals this summer.

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Faux Report

Bill Cosby Says He’s Actually Gay, Couldn’t Possibly Have Assaulted Anyone

Bill Cosby Brings Up Rape Allegations In Interview Because No One Was Talking About Him Anymore

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Extremely old comic Bill Cosby, who has been accused of sexually assaulting – or flat-out raping – so many women that the entire media has lost count, is now claiming that he couldn’t possibly have done anything to any of the women accusing him, because he’s actually gay.

“Yes indeed, I’m as gay as they come, woo-hoo, gay gay gay,” said Cosby. “Yes, I’ve been married for years, but in my day, it’s just what you did. You didn’t want anyone to know you were gay, so you snagged a woman and made her your wife. But really, I’m very gay. Why do you think I sucked so many pudding pops over the years? What man likes something to phallic who isn’t gay? Yup, gay gay gay.”

Cosby claims that he’s not using this defense as a way to try and take the blame off himself for his alleged crimes, but that he just feels now is the perfect time to “come clean” about his sexual habits.

“I have a lot of proclivities, but raping women isn’t one of them,” said Cosby. “I like men, always have, always will. Yup, don’t you forget it – gay gay gay. If someone says to you ‘Cosby rapes women,’ you correct them right there and tell them how gay I am, and that it’s not true at all. I’ve never raped anybody.”

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Faux Report

Boy Scouts of America Announce Decision To Only Allow Gay Boys Into Troops

boy scouts

BILLINGS, Montana – 

The Boys Scouts of America, long-known as one of the most horrible groups you could ever put your child in, has a history of bigoted behavior, not allowing African-American children into the groups until the 1970s, and still, to this day, not allowing gay or transgendered children or scout leaders to join.

All that is apparently changing, as the group has taken massive heat and controversy in the last several years. Today, the Boy Scouts of America have announced that they will no longer be accepting straight boys into the troops; from here on out, all children must be gay.

“This is a big leap forward for all of the homosexual scouts and leaders who have been forced to leave the Scouts over the years,” said former scout Johnny Mullens, a 19-year-old gay teen who was kicked out of his troop 7 years ago. “I think they’re taking it to an extreme here, since now they’re not even letting straight kids in, but hey, at least we’re making some headway.”

According to the Boy Scouts, they will be phasing out their current rosters over the remaining portion of the year, and are encouraging homosexual children between the ages of 9 and 16 to sign up.

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Symphony

December 18, 2015

Trump’s latest, viz Hannity (GP)

Students practice calligraphy, Islamic statement of faith, schools close (AP)

Science: Same-sex inception (Mirror)

Mix-up in Libya, US special forces arrive, sent home (RT)

Feds lose track, don’t know their immigration stats (Video) (FOX)

Learn This: The long, incredibly tortuous, and fascinating process of creating a Chinese font (QZ)  · · · →

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Symphony

September 29, 2015

Trump Tax: 0% – $25k, 10 – 20 – 25%, corp 15% flat, NO death tax, “I win” letter

Carson’s the only one going up in polls

WH takes over more local police—Little Rock, Flint

…Philly too? …Letters to Philly.com

Tea Party conquered House, Speaker

Cruz v Boehner, Cruz conspiracy theory gaggle video

Sales pitch: Hollywood & NASA collaborate Mars?

NBC/WSJ Poll: Biden would sweep election (he hasn’t announced)

Jeb—make or break time

Boeing, Airbus make money in Iran deal?

Constitution: Obama can’t sell Internet?

Fiorina’s HP earned Millions from sales in Iran during sanctions

Russia to take on ISIS

Obama UN speech (Video), Roll Call: Executor at UN

Damon: Actors, stay in the closet, keep many secrets to help your career

Shock Photos: Intelligent people’s brains wired differently to those with fewer intellectual abilities, says study  · · · →

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Symphony

Tempo: April 25, 2015

Eric quits. Military drills in Battle Creek, MI. Christian media anticipates US persecution. Satellite: Hezbollah drone airstrip. DAH: “Clie-mate” changes are natural. Vague: Homosexual hotel owners meet with Cruz, now boycotted, how did it start? Time Warner TV service is so high-tech, this writer doesn’t need the cable box. Grow: 5 Things to Look for in Your Next Incredible Mentor  · · · →

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