Faux Report

President Trump Just Raised The Age Limit For Cigarettes and Tobacco to 25

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The US government has announced that they are raising the age of consumption for cigarettes and tobacco products to 25 years old, due to the increasing health dangers of tobacco.  The cost of healthcare to treat the illnesses caused by tobacco was $187 billion in 2016.

 

“Cigarettes contain over 7000 chemicals and compounds. Hundreds of these are toxic, and at least 69 are cancer-causing,” said President Trump in a statement on the new law. “We are also currently considering adding an additional $12.50 tax to the price of a pack of cigarettes. As they say: A vote for raising the cigarette tax, as well as raising the age of consumption, is a vote against cancer.”

Most states will be required to increase their tobacco tax, because they expect the sales of cigarettes to dramatically decrease when raising the legal age of consumption to 25.

Citizens for Tobacco Rights, a group which champions the right for adults to smoke, say they are not happy about this new law,  which is set to take effect in January.

“If Congress gives the president what he wants, federal excise taxes will have increased almost ten-fold in just over a decade,” says the tobacco rights website. “The president’s tax increase will take the average price per pack up to $7.85, and put more than 70% of the price you pay for cigarettes into government pockets.”

When raising the legal age of tobacco consumption to 25, you can expect more black-market sales of cigarettes as well as arrests for underage purchases. Activists say this law will only add to the problem.

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8-Month-Old Baby Gets Pregnant After Getting Routine Vaccine

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MONMOUTH, Maryland

An 8-month-old baby was recently discovered to be pregnant, after being hospitalized only a few hours after receiving a routine MMR vaccine.

The baby, whose name is being withheld for privacy reasons, was slightly behind in her 6-month shots for MMR, and after taking ill, the mother brought the baby to a local hospital.

“After conducting a battery of tests, we concluded that the baby girl was, in fact, pregnant,” said Dr. Martin Klein of Monmouth Regional Hospital. “This is the first time I have ever seen anything like this, and frankly, I’m completely stunned as to how this could have happened.”

The mother of the child, Mary, said that she is “dumbfounded” about this, but that she knew that there was a reason that so many people were becoming anti-vaxx lately.

“This movement of people not vaccinating their children, I always thought it was just because no one wants a retard baby, but this is just way worse than I thought,” said Mary. “I only wanted to raise one baby, and thanks to vaccines, now I have to raise two? How am I going to do that on a waitress’ salary? This is crazy. My husband is going to FLIP OUT.”

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Faux Report

New ‘Super Ecstasy’ Has Hit The Streets; Police Warn It Could End Up In Your Kids’ Halloween Bag

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Police throughout California have issued a warning to parents about a new “super ecstasy,” which has hit the streets throughout most of the West Coast. This high-powered drug comes in the shapes of teddy bears or other animals, and resembles a candy or a vitamin.

A warning was issued first by Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department after 11 children overdosed on the drug, 3 of whom later died from the dangerous toxins in the drugs.

“Parents should be advised that dealers are hanging out near schools, and giving these teddies to children, but they are not candy, and are, in fact, extremely dangerous. If you see these ecstasy bears, please call the sheriff’s department or 911 immediately.”

According to police, the ecstasy is “supercharged,” in that it will hit the system of someone who has taken it nearly 20 times faster than regular, or “traditional” ecstasy, thus causing the person to go into an almost immediate shock.

“Frankly, we don’t know why anyone would make these at all, because the whole point of taking drugs is to get high, enjoy it, and then want to get more drugs,” said Officer Mark Ruben of the LA County Sheriff’s Department. “Killing your clients is kind of useless. At any rate, they’re pretty dangerous, so maybe keep an eye on what your kids are doing, and we’re only a month away from Halloween, so check their bags two or three times before you let them dive in. You never know.”

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Undergoes Cosmetic Surgery To Remove ‘Pussy Neck’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has apparently undergone cosmetic surgery to remove what is affectionately known as his “pussy neck,” because the flappy, old man folds under his chin form into an uncanny resemblance of a woman’s vagina.

“The President is actually extremely self-conscious, as you can well imagine, and he has seen the jokes, the memes, and he doesn’t like them,” said a White House representative. “President Trump has scheduled a surgery to remove the extra skin around his neck, and get an overall face lift.”

President Trump said that he is “very excited” to have the procedure completed, and that it wouldn’t cost the taxpayers “very much at all.”

“I, for one, think that he should keep his floppy twat neck skin,” said Vice President Mike Pence. “Every time I look at him right now, I’m always ‘Thinkin’ Arby’s.’ I don’t really want that to change, but I guess what’s good for him is good for us all.”

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Faux Report

World Health Organization Admits Over 50,000 People Accidentally Injected with Ebola Virus Instead of Flu Vaccine

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Over 50,000 people throughout the United States are on high alert this week after flu vaccines were contaminated with the Ebola virus and accidentally sent out to clinics throughout the country.

Recipients had lined up for flu vaccinations in 10 different states across the country, including California, Nevada, Arizona, Texas, Georgia, Florida, Michigan, New York, Minnesota, and Illinois.

According to a report filed at the World Health Organization, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) accidentally exchanged the synthetic flu vaccine for vials that contained an experimental compound of the Ebola virus. This compound contaminated nearly 50,000 doses of various vaccines, most of which were sent across the country to be used in low income clinics.

These vaccines were distributed throughout August of 2017, although the NIAID says they are not 100% sure which clinics received the “infected” doses, and that at this point in time, it’s entirely likely that all of them have been used and given to patients.

The WHO has been reaching out to people that have possibly been infected, demanding mandatory  quarantines at local FEMA camps. However, the WHO has been unavailable for comment. No specific treatment is available for Ebola infections, and the case fatality rate ranges from 80% to 100%, depending on the virus subtype.

 

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Doctor Confirms That He Has Found a Cure For AIDS – But There’s a Slight Catch

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A researcher at the prestigious Harvard School of Medicine has found a cure for HIV and AIDS – something that doctors have been working on for nearly 40 years.

“It’s actually really simple,” said Dr. Marvin Hoek, who has been working on the project for over a decade. “The answer was right under our nose the whole time, and we have found a way to completely eradicate AIDS and HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in people.”

Dr. Hoek says that he began clinical trials in 2008, and stumbled across the cure in 2015.

“I have been working since that time to find a cure for what the AIDS cure causes, which is cancer.

According to Dr. Hoek, he says that in the over 10,000 cases of AIDS that he has eradicated, every single one of the patients ended up contracting cancer, and dying anyway.

“It’s really kind of a win-lose situation at this point in time, but we’re still working on the kinks right now,” said Dr. Hoek.

Hoek plans to publish the full scope of his work in the January 2018 Journal of Independent Medicine.

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Faux Report

Coca-Cola’s ‘Coke Zero’ Product Is Discontinued, Replaced With ‘Coke +Diabetes’

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Coca-Cola has announced that they are doing away with their line of products under the “Coke Zero” brand, and are instead going to focus on “what the American people really want,” which is to get as fat and be as unhealthy as possible.

“The problem with Coke Zero, is that – although not traditionally ‘healthy,’ it was by far one of the most healthy items we had on our list of products,” said Coca-Cola president Mark Zimmer. “It sold so infrequently, that we spent years in the red on that one product. It just isn’t working. Meanwhile, sales of our flagship Coca-Cola have skyrocketed. People just aren’t doing diet or zero calorie items anymore. They want all the flavor, and they want all the sugar. Thus, Coke +Diabetes was born.”

Zimmer says that Coke +Diabetes has 16 times the normal amount of sugar found in a standard Coca-Cola, and will have more sugar than any other drink on the market once it hits shelves this October.

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Family Sues Life Savers Company For False Advertising After Man Contracts Diabetes, Dies

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A family in Massachusetts is suing Mars Inc over the false advertising of their Life Savers brand of candy after a man who was obsessed with their Wint-O-Green hard candies contracted diabetes and later died.

“You cannot call your product a ‘life saver’ if it can kill you,” said Martha Roberts, 53, whose husband, Carl, died after becoming obsessed the candies. “Carl would be turning 58 tomorrow, except these candies killed him, and it’s not right.”

According to the lawsuit, Roberts contends that her husband thought that Life Savers were a “healthy food,” because they were called Life Savers. He would usually eat 4 or 5 large bags of the individually wrapped candies a day for months at a time.

“He was obsessed with them, and we thought he was doing okay. They’re really low calorie, and he did lose some weight because he was only eating Life Savers,” said Roberts. “Then he passed out one day, and we rushed him to the ER. The doctors said his blood sugar was over 1,000, and he was in a diabetic coma. He died later that night. I’m still devastated, the whole family is.”

Mars Inc had no comment on the lawsuit. A lawyer for the company said they would be “looking into” the claims.

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Faux Report

New Breed of Tick Has a Bite That Will Make You Allergic To Vegetables

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SHELTON, West Virginia – 

A new breed of wood tick has been discovered in West Virginia, and is causing a panic among vegetarians and vegans. Along side the “reverse zombie” or “lone star” tick, which has been confirmed to trigger a red meat allergy in those bitten by the little assholes, the new “hippie tick” will make you allergic to vegetables.

“All vegetarians, vegans, and general vegetable lovers need to know about this tick,” said USDA spokesman Carl Richards. “The Reverse Zombie tick is horrible for all of us people who eat real food, like steak and cheeseburgers, but now the Hippie Tick, as we’ve come to call it, is out there – and it’s really screwing up things for all those pussy vegans.”

The Hippie Tick, which is actually known as the Ixodida Aracnodia, is small and brownish-red, like many ticks. They live in large, green grassy areas, and are especially fond of moist or wet areas – both in nature and on your body.

“Always check everywhere on your body for these little guys,” said Richards. “They’re known to be found in ear cavities, under armpits or breasts, and in rectums or vaginal cavities. They love hot, wet, smelly areas.”

So far, there are no vaccinations against the bites of either the Reverse Zombie or Hippie Tick, and neither disease is curable once contracted.

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Faux Report

Woman Gives Birth 7 Years After Having Sex

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A modern medical marvel has occurred in Massachusetts this week, after a woman gave birth to a healthy, 7lb 4oz baby boy. The marvel, you ask? The woman, 28-year-old Maria Piers, has not had sex in 7 years.

“I know this sounds extremely strange, but I know the precise moment that I last had sex, and that’s because it was, for all intents and purposes, a rape,” said Piers.

According to police reports from the time, Piers filed charges against a man named Robert Smalls, who she says would not stop having sex with her after she told him to stop.

“I did tell him it was okay, but I didn’t like it. He wasn’t gentle, and it hurt. I told him to stop and get off me, but he just laughed, and staid he wasn’t going to stop until he was done,” said Piers. “And he didn’t.”

Smalls was arrested and given 4 years for aggravated sexual assault, but Piers is terrified that now she’s going to have to deal with him again.

“He’s obviously the dad,” said Piers. “I don’t know how this happened, I really don’t. But I’m absolutely sure that I haven’t had sex. I haven’t even kissed a man since that night. This is both exciting and extremely terrifying for me.”

Doctors say they are at a loss for how this happened, but they could confirm that the baby, who Piers has named James, had a gestation period of about 360 weeks. She has been asked to stay in the hospital for continued testing and observation.

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Philip Morris Introduces New ‘Healthy Cigarettes’ That Will DESTROY Cancer Cells

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Great news for longterm smokers who are suffering from black lung, emphysima, cancer, and a host of other diseases contracted from years of inhaling cigarette smoke and toxins – Philip Morris International, one of the largest manufacturers of cigarettes in the world, has announced that they have created a new, healthy cigarette – one that can actually fight disease.

“This new cigarette is a combined effort of over 30 years worth of research,” said Mario Philips, President of Philip Morris. “We know that people who smoke, absolutely love it, despite the hazards like cancer and death. So we have spent decades researching new options that can keep them enjoying something they love, and also keep them alive to do it even longer.”

Philips says that the company’s new cigarette contains a “host of ingredients” that are all “top secret,” and can not divulge what might be in them, but says that most are known cancer-fighting agents, as well as other natural ingredients, and a new high-dose of what they’re calling a Cancer-Killer.

“We developed this new drug, this new cancer killer, over the last handful of years, and it works. We’ve tested it on thousands of people, and they were all cured of their cancer,” said Philips. “It’s really revolutionary. The important thing, though, as that these smokes taste just as good, just as rich, as our regular cigarettes.

The new cigarettes will be hitting store shelves in October.

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Melania Trump Reveals STARTLING Weight-Loss Secret

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Melania Trump has been in the public eye for years – before she was the First Lady, she was a fashion model, and for that, it means always keeping her figure perfect. To this day, she still has modeling and clothing line deals that require her to be in top form.

Now, for the first time ever, Melania has revealed her secrets to staying in shape at all times.

“It’s actually really simple,” said the Slovenian-born Mrs. Trump. “I get my stomach pumped two or three times a day, depending on how often I eat. Instead of absorbing all the fat and nutrients, I have all the foods I eat pulled out before my body can use them.”

Melania says that this procedure has worked for her for “a number of years,” but now she is very happy that she is the First Lady, because it means no more trips to the doctors.

“We have a top-notch medical staff in the White House, and our Doctor, Dr. Lemmy, pumps me every morning, afternoon, and evening,” said Melania. “Within 30 minutes of any meal, I have to be pumped. If I’m traveling to an area where I don’t have a regular doctor, I just don’t eat. It works wonders.”

Melania said that she has not defecated in “well over 5 years.”

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Rock Concert In Maine Now Holds World Record For ‘Most Overdoses At a Public Event’

BANGOR, Maine – 

A rock concert held last week in Maine now holds the Guinness World Record for the most overdoses on drugs at any public event.

According to the Guinness Records department, a reported 387 people overdosed, and 196 of those lead to death, at a recent concert in the small Northern city. The event, which featured a performance by a “world famous rock act,” according to police, had an estimated 15,000 people attending.

“In comparison to the number of attendees, th3 fact that there were only 387 overdoses seems comparatively small, I know,” said event organizer John Maynard. “But we really struggled to reach that number. It’s against the rules for the show to hand out or sell heavy narcotics just to hit the world record, and we definitely didn’t want to spoil our chances.”

For those who attended the concert, they said it was “just another night at a rock show,” and that most people didn’t even notice the violent convulsions, vomiting, or people passing out.

“The show was too good for me to even care, dude,” said Kyle Chaplin, 26. “I heard that a shit ton of people OD’d, and that a bunch died, too. That sucks for them, seriously. But like, it’s a rock show man. Shit’s bound to happen. Cool thing was that as soon as people started passing out and shit, it made it really easy to get up front into the good seats.”

Police say that the next event they will “loosen security” in hopes that they can move the record even higher. The next biggest number of overdoses was at Lollapalooza 1997, when 264 people OD’d. In that case, only 75 ended up dead.

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DISTURBING Trend On The Rise Among ‘Goth’ Teens – Snorting Blood!

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania – 

A new disturbing trend is on the rise throughout the United States, specifically among “gothic” teens – snorting the blood of friends in an effort to “become one” with them.

“It’s a new thing kids are doing – not to get high, but to has some sort of internal bond with their close friends or significant other,” said New Brighton Hospital Chief of Staff, Dr. Marvin Reece. “The problem becomes, though, that these kids are not thinking about the consequences, or the danger that can come from snorting any liquid – especially blood.”

Dr. Reece says he has treated more than a dozen cases of “blood poisoning,” where a teen has literally cut open their friend or boyfriend/girlfriend, and snorted the blood that dripped from the wound.

“Unfortunately, two of the teens have died. This is a serious issue, because aside from blood-borne diseases, there is also the very real risk – and I know how silly this sounds – of drowning in blood when they do this. It’s a liquid going into your lungs, after all.”

Teens are urged to not try and snort anything, but “especially not blood,” says Dr. Reece. “If you’re going to snort anything, please – just go back to the good ol’ normal stuff, like heroin and cocaine. Maybe some crushed adderall. Whatever you kids did before. Just stop snorting each other’s blood, okay?”

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