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BREAKING: OJ Simpson Reportedly Killed In Prison

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LOVELOCK PRISON, Nevada – 

Representatives for Lovelock Correctional Facility in Nevada have responded to questions about OJ Simpson, who has been incarcerated in their facility since 2008, after news was leaked that Simpson killed during a prison-wide talent show that featured inmates and guards alike.

“It is absolutely correct that OJ Simpson, better known around the prison as Juice, absolutely killed during his stand-up comedy routine,” said Lovelock warden Derek Hughes. “He really was hilarious, and he had the whole crowd in stitches the entire time. He performed for maybe 15 minutes, doing totally original material. I seriously had tears rolling down my cheeks. It really was a throwback to his comedy days. You remember those Naked Gun movies? Oh man, those are my favorite films. He was hilarious then, and he’s hilarious now. I hope he gets out in time to make a cameo in the remake they’re working on.”

“I absolutely love performing, and it was great to get up there, have a little fun, and make everyone laugh,” said Simpson. “There are two big loves in my life, and that’s sports and comedy. I hadn’t yet been able to really do much comedy since I’d been in prison, but I am thankful that I’ve been able to coach and mentor some of the younger inmates and help them in their games. We have some great fields and facilities here. I want to thank everyone for the kind words about my stand-up performance. It means a lot.”

Simpson is eligible for parole in October, with preliminary parole hearings scheduled to begin in July.

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ISIS Claims Responsibility For Playground Fight at NYC Elementary School

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

A vicious schoolyard fight took place after school on Friday afternoon, and terrorist group ISIS has claimed responsibility for the attacks.

Nicky DeCarlo, 7, was reportedly attacked by a “big bully,” during lunch recess, and tattled to his teacher. When the bully, 9-year-old Al Giovannelli, found out he was in trouble, he told DeCarlo that they were going to “fight after school.”

“It is really such a common thing, kids fighting and bullying and what not, but at this age, we tend to just call the parents, try a little mediation, maybe keep them in from recess, and everything is okay,” said Principal Stephanie Biro. “In this case, the kids were actually fine by the next day. They quickly became friends after the fight, and Little Al even said he was sorry for punching Nicky in the face. It’s pretty common with kids to ‘hate,’ and then feel bad. The real confusion here comes with why ISIS has claimed responsibility for the fight.”

According to police, ISIS stepped in and said that they were responsible for the altercation, and made several posts on social media stating they were the perpetrators.

“Al is definitely not in ISIS,” said his mom to local news channel WBTU – New York. “I know that any time there is a big attack, anywhere in the world, these terrorists like to claim responsibility, but this is just getting silly. We’re not in ISIS. Albert doesn’t even know what ISIS is. They’re really reaching here.”

“WE HAVE CLAIMED THE SCHOOL YARDS OF AMERICA, WE HAVE CAUSED THESE FIGHTS. THIS IS OUR TIME, AND ALL INFIDELS WILL REAP WHAT THEY HAVE CREATED,” read a post made to Twitter from an “official” ISIS account. “WE HAVE CAUSED THIS FIGHT TODAY. ALL CHILDREN WILL BECOME MEMBERS SOON.”

Police are not at all taking the statement seriously.

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Anonymous CIA Operative Reveals TRUE Meaning of Trump’s ‘Covfefe’ Tweet – And It’s HUGE!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

An anonymous, undercover CIA operative has come forward with leaked information about Trump’s late-night “covfefe” tweet, stating that is has a much darker meaning than anyone thought.

“It has been speculated that it was merely a typing or Swype error, and that Trump meant to type ‘coverage’ in his tweet, but this is nothing so simple,” said the source. “covfefe is the top-secret code that only the President can use to gain access to Area 51. It is only supposed to be spoken by the President to the agent in charge of the site, and was not meant for mass human knowledge. Frankly, this information could be extremely damaging to our enemies.”

The source went on to say that the same code has been used for each president, and that there are “no measures in place” to contact Area 51 and let them know that the codeword needs to be changed.

“Basically, this code will gain anyone and everyone top secret clearance into Area 51,” said the source. “And yes, we have aliens. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what is being held in those bunkers. If anyone know what ‘covfefe’ actually meant, they could conceivably bring down the entire US government. You definitely should not publish this information.”

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Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson FINALLY Announces Official Bid For President in 2020

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Taking a break from promoting his latest movie, Baywatch, former WWE wrestler and the world’s highest paid movie star, Dwayne Johnson, announced that he has come to a decision about running for President of the United States.

“I’m all in!” said Johnson to a reporter for Entertainment Weekly. “I’ve been giving it tons of thought. At first it was kind of a gag, and I jokingly made like I was interested. But as more and more young people approached me and asked me about it, I began to realize that I could really make a difference. We need a new…we need a better president. Someone who will listen, and make the right kind of waves. I’ve got the money to run.”

When asked where he stood on specific issues, Johnson said that he would “get into that” at a later time.

“I am a Republican, and I do have some conservative values, but I’m about the people, and helping people, and that’s what it should be about,” said Johnson. “I don’t think we need to make America great again, because the country is great, it always has been. I think what we need is to join people together. I think there are people who need to be made great again. That’s what I want to do.”

 

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Remains of Gangster Jimmy Hoffa Finally Discovered – You Won’t BELIEVE Where They Found Them!

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

A startling discovery was made in downtown Detroit on Wednesday, as a group of children were playing in one of the city’s many abandoned and dilapidated homes. According to police, two young boys were inside the rundown home’s basement when they called 911 to report they found bones.

“The two children, Mario and Carl Miller, aged 11 and 14, discovered what turned out to be a femur while playing in an abandoned house,” said Police Chief Ravi Moore. “After police arrived on scene with a crime scene investigator, we were able to unearth an entire skeleton, which has since been identified through forensic testing to be the remains of Jimmy Hoffa, the world-famous gangster.”

According to Chief Moore and the Detroit Coroner’s Office, it seems as though Hoffa died of natural causes.

“Best we can guess, is that he was hiding out in the basement of this home for an unknown amount of time. Like most of Detroit, the house has been in ruins since the mid-70s, which is around the time he went missing,” said Moore. “No one has lived in this house since, and we assume that at some point, parts of the house just sort of collapsed on him. His death has been ruled as an accident. As it turns out, there was no foul play involved at all.”

Hoffa’s remains will remain in Detroit, and eventually set up on display at the Smithsonian Museum.

 

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Melania Plans Lawsuit Against Kathy Griffin After Viral Picture ‘Scares Her Too Much’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Melania Trump says the plans to sue “comedian” Kathy Griffin after a viral picture showing Griffin holding a decapitated likeness of Donald Trump, has “scared her to her core,” and caused her PTSD to be triggered.

“Melania grew up in a time and place where anything could happen, and she witnessed many cruel crimes committed against friends and family,” said her lawyer, Darren Marshall, Esq. “As such, this picture of her ‘husband’ being beheaded – a man she loves and cherishes more than anything – has triggered severe flashbacks to her childhood.”

Even Trump detractors are deriding the image, calling it “tasteless” and “cruel.”

“No matter your opinion on Trump, no matter which side you fall on, he’s still our President, he’s still a father,” said Facebook user Joel Silver in a post that has since gone viral. “Imagine being young Baron, and seeing that picture. It’s disgusting.”

The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages. Neither Griffin nor her lawyers or manager could be reached for comment.

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Hackers Plan To Leak SEX TAPE of Donald Trump With His Daughter Ivanka – The President Is FURIOUS!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has ordered the FBI and CIA to track down a group of “anonymous” hackers who are claiming that they have sex tapes featuring President Donald Trump and his daughter, Ivanka.

As seen in leaked images, the tapes  – allegedly stolen from a cell phone that belongs to Ivanka’s husband, Jared Kushner – are legitimate, and do depict Trump engaging in sexual acts with his daughter.

“This comes as no surprise to me at all,” said a White House staffer who asked not to be identified. “I was creeped out the first time he mentioned how hot she was, but he’s said it so many times since, that I’ve become kind of jaded by it. Yeah, Mr. President. Your daughter is hot. We get it. As it turns out, he’s been fucking her all along. Not even really a shocker at this point.”

As there is currently no FBI director, that bureau has made little progress in finding out who the hackers were, but so far, the CIA has reported that they haven’t had much luck either.

“Frankly, despite it being a serious concern for Trump, no one in the department really cares that much to find it,” said CIA John Brennan. “No one is surprised by this, and in reality, what damage could it really do to the guy? He’s been caught talking about grabbing women by the pussy because he thinks they like it. Does it really surprise anyone that he thinks his daughter, who he complements all the time about how ‘hot’ she is, has another pussy he can grab? And even if we do find the source of the tapes, hasn’t the damage already been done? I mean, it’s not like any Trump supporter is going to care anyway. They’ll call it fake news and move on with their lives.”

President Trump has not made any public comment on the matter. The video has been streamed on PornHub over 2 million times in less than 24 hours.

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Health Department Warns About DANGEROUS New Tick That Burrows Under Your Skin – These Guys Are DISGUSTING and DEADLY!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The US Health Department has issued warnings in 6 states – New Hampshire, Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, and Rhode Island – about a dangerous and deadly new breed of tick that will immediately burrow into human skin, and can actually live under your flesh for days or even weeks undetected.

Dr. James Monroe, head of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, issued the warning through the White House, who sent out examples of the tick to all 50 states – with specific warnings in the 6 targeted states that the ticks have been found.

“So far, we’ve had over 800 cases in 6 states, mostly in New England at this time,” said Dr. Monroe. “It is rapidly reaching epidemic levels, and the nature of these insects is disturbing. They will burrow under human flesh, and can feed on your blood from within your body, much like a ‘regular’ tick will do now, but the variance being that these ticks are much more deadly, and much more likely to make their way into you undetected. It is advisable that people stay out of heavily wooded areas, or any place with high grass or plants.”

Dr. Monroe says that of the 800 cases, there has been 19 reported deaths, mostly elderly people, whose bodies were not able to fight off the bacteria released by the ticks. Whereas a regular or deer tick is commonly known for carrying Lyme Disease, these new “super ticks” carry a disease more likened to the Black Plague, causing nightmarish fevers, aches, heart problems, and possible death.

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There’s Something WAY Worse Than TSP In Your Breakfast Cereals – This Is SCARY!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For the last several months, a viral article about TSP, or trisodium phosphate, being found in breakfast cereals has been causing a panic among parents and cereal addicts alike. TSP is a food preservative that has been listed as “safe” by the FDA, but is a common ingredient in cleaners such as paint thinner, and worries of sickness and disease are running rampant.

Today it was discovered, though, that there is something exponentially worse than TSP, and it is found in nearly every single breakfast cereal on the market today – especially ones aimed at children.

“We have discovered a new chemical that has been being used by many companies, including Kellog’s, General Mills, and more, in their cereals, that has been slipping past the FDA’s careful watch,” said health professional Dr. Jacob Lambert. “The chemical, commonly referred to in the scientific world as Cn(H2O)n, has been linked to hyperactivity, diabetes, some cancers, sleeplessness, stomach ailments, weight gain, high blood pressure, and elevated triglycerides – which can all be very serious.”

Dr. Lambert said that he first brought the use of the chemical to the attention of the FDA in late 2014, but that they had “no concern” over its use.

“They basically laughed me out of the building, and said that all food manufacturers has been using the Cn(H2O)n for decades, maybe longer,” said Dr. Lambert. “I tried to explain that its longtime use didn’t excuse the fact that it was causing major damage to those who were eating it, and that we were reaching epidemic proportions of people who had become ill from eating it. Obviously the FDA’s real concern is being in the back pocket of Big Cereal, and making money – not in the actual health of those eating the food.”

Dr. Lambert has cautioned parents that “nearly every single cereal” on the shelf today contains the Cn(H2O)n, and that it can be listed on the label under a multitude of names.

 

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There’s Something WAY Worse Than TSP In Your Breakfast Cereals – This Is SCARY!

cereal

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For the last several months, a viral article about TSP, or trisodium phosphate, being found in breakfast cereals has been causing a panic among parents and cereal addicts alike. TSP is a food preservative that has been listed as “safe” by the FDA, but is a common ingredient in cleaners such as paint thinner, and worries of sickness and disease are running rampant.

Today it was discovered, though, that there is something exponentially worse than TSP, and it is found in nearly every single breakfast cereal on the market today – especially ones aimed at children.

“We have discovered a new chemical that has been being used by many companies, including Kellog’s, General Mills, and more, in their cereals, that has been slipping past the FDA’s careful watch,” said health professional Dr. Jacob Lambert. “The chemical, commonly referred to in the scientific world as Cn(H2O)n, has been linked to hyperactivity, diabetes, some cancers, sleeplessness, stomach ailments, weight gain, high blood pressure, and elevated triglycerides – which can all be very serious.”

Dr. Lambert said that he first brought the use of the chemical to the attention of the FDA in late 2014, but that they had “no concern” over its use.

“They basically laughed me out of the building, and said that all food manufacturers has been using the Cn(H2O)n for decades, maybe longer,” said Dr. Lambert. “I tried to explain that its longtime use didn’t excuse the fact that it was causing major damage to those who were eating it, and that we were reaching epidemic proportions of people who had become ill from eating it. Obviously the FDA’s real concern is being in the back pocket of Big Cereal, and making money – not in the actual health of those eating the food.”

Dr. Lambert has cautioned parents that “nearly every single cereal” on the shelf today contains the Cn(H2O)n, and that it can be listed on the label under a multitude of names.

 

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President Trump Announces He Will NOT Be Running Again in 2020 – The Reason Why Will SHOCK You!

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SAUDI ARABIA – 

President Trump, who is currently overseas visiting Saudi Arabia, announced during a press conference that he will not be running for re-election in 2020.

“To be honest, this job is just too damn hard,” said President Trump. “If I could quit right now, I probably would, but Mikey [Pence], he’s not ready for this. He doesn’t have the heart for this job. He doesn’t have the balls. You have to have big, huge, brass balls to be President. I have big balls. I probably have the biggest balls. But really, despite my large testicles, I cannot say that I want to do more than four years of this. It’s just too much time spent.”

According to Trump, he says he will “definitely finish” his four year term, but at that point, would like to bow out.

“I will finish my term, and will finish on top, but I think four years in, that’s enough time for me. I like to try new things, see new places, do new people,” said President Trump. “I hope that whoever steps up to the plate after me understands just how hard this job is. It’s not easy, not like I thought. Golf is easy. Money is easy. Those are things I like to do, and those are things I want to do. I’ll never retire, but I certainly don’t want to be 80-years-old, running a country.”

 

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Professionals Test President Trump’s IQ – You Won’t BELIEVE The Results!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A group of professional teachers and scientists recently visited the White House to give a regulated IQ test to our nation’s president, Donald Trump. Most of the group, who were made up of both liberals and conservatives, said they expected that he would favor towards the “low end” of normal, but were startled to find the true results.

“As it turns out, President Trump is actually far, far below the spectrum, and is technically and legally retarded,” said group head, Dr. James Monroe. “I personally expected he would be average, perhaps slightly lower, as it’s obvious by the way he speaks that he’s a bit dim, but these findings were exceedingly lower than we imagined.”

The average IQ of a “regular” person is approximately 90-110, with “genius level” being reached at approximately 140. Donald Trump average a 61.

“Legally, Trump is mentally retarded,” said Dr. Monroe. “I can’t even imagine how we didn’t know this sooner, but it’s true. Although there can be variations on multiple taking of these standardized tests, it would be exceedingly rare for anyone to increase their score by more than 30 or 40 points on a re-take. Trump is retarded – big ol’ retard, indeed.”

The highest presidential IQ was John Adams, whose IQ was estimated to be approximately 170, a “super genius” level.

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Man Sells Golf Bill Hit By President Trump For $87,000 in eBay Auction

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

An Atlanta man has reportedly sold a golf ball hit by President Trump during one of his many, many, many golf games from his first 100 days as president, for an astounding $86,985 in an eBay auction.

“I was pretty surprised it went for so much. It’s not signed or anything, just a regular Titleist, but it was hit into a sand trap by Donald Trump while I was watching him play a month or so ago,” said the anonymous seller. “He couldn’t find it, so shrugged, told his caddy to mark it as a hole-in-one, and then left it. As soon as he and his entourage moved to the next hole, I went in and snagged it.”

The seller says that he expected to fetch a few bucks, “mostly as a gag,” but was very surprised when two buyers drove up the price in a bidding war. He was even more surprised, he said, when the buyer actually paid.

“He sent me a paypal payment of $86,985 – and then another $4 for shipping costs,” said the seller. “I shipped it right out, then went and paid off my car and put down a huge chunk on my mortgage, too. Not bad considering I voted for Johnson.”

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Babysitter Takes Acid, Eats 3-Month-Old Baby After Cooking Her In The Oven

DE SOTO, Missouri –

Two Missouri parents were horrified to discover their babysitter had taken acid while watching their child, after they found the remains of their three-month-old child cooked in the oven.

Police Officer Dwayne Jacobs was the first on the scene, and found a “very confused” and “incoherent” babysitter lying half-conscious in the family’s living room.

Anna Doreen, the 17-year-old babysitter, claims she had bought some acid and “only took a few tabs” before she became “overly confused” and “extremely hungry.”

“I just took a few tabs  because I was bored and the baby was sleeping,” she later told Officer Jacobs. “I remember that I started getting really hungry, ate some chicken wings, and passed out.”

The 3-month-old child was found in the oven, covered in barbecue sauce, and was pronounced dead at the scene.

“It appears she tried to cook him in the oven, but did not time it long enough to completely cook him. She was probably disoriented and lost consciousness moments later,” explained Sheriff deputy James Anderson of the Jefferson County Police Department. “Teeth marks were found on the baby’s arms and legs. Ms. Doreen has been taken into custody and is facing second-degree murder charges, as well as drug-related charges.”

 

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