Faux Report

Florida School To Allow Students To Bring Guns To Class For Protection

guns

MIAMI, Florida –

A school district in Miami has voted to allow students in grades 3-12 to bring guns and other weapons to school, in hopes that it will curb a potential deadly school shooting.

“We strongly believe that if a student here wanted to come in and cause a massacre, that it can be thwarted by them knowing that the entire school is packing,” said Principal Jorge Kelly. “While most teachers were leery of bringing guns onto campus, these children have grown up with video games like Call of Duty, and watched violent movies since birth. They know how to handle a weapon.”

Parents of students in the district say they are already “sleeping more soundly” knowing that such a sweeping change was happening that would protect their children.

“We are very grateful to the school district for allowing this to happen,” said Maria Lambert, a parent of a child in 7th grade. “My son already has a rifle that we gifted him for hunting with his grandfather. Now he can bring it to class, and we will feel much safer.”

“I’m so stoked to bring my gat to class,” said high school sophomore Chris Rifkin. “I bought it from a bro I know, and he says the thing shoots straight as hell. If any motherfucker comes up in this bitch ready to pop off, I’m gonna place a few between his eyes. Blat! Blat! Bitch.”

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Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, June 13, 2016

As predicted: Sanders lost to the Clinton machine, Trump reached out to unite all disgruntled voters disenfranchised by a “rigged” system.

Trump says that a judge’s association with professional organizations, specifically La Raza reportedly have made anti-Trump statements, has demonstrated a recusable conflict of interest. Then, Conservatives and Liberals discuss whether Trump should make “Anti-Mexican” statements. There are so many red herrings in this election that one could start a fishing business and so many straw men that a farmer could stock his barn for the next eight years.

So, Trump continues to be attacked by the old boys club for not speaking more peacefully. Interestingly, there was another attack from a member of a religion the Bush family called “peaceful”, this time, also interestingly, in Florida.

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Faux Report

Miami To Create Texting Lane On Highways For Millennial Drivers

MIAMI, Florida – 

Only in Florida.

The Miami-Dade Expressway Authority (MDX) announced today that it has plans to create a bumpered “texting lane” along the Dolphin Expressway, according to Miami news site The Plantain. 

“This is a necessary step we must take as a community to ensure public safety,” said MDX spokeswoman Anne Hinga, noting that educational campaigns about the dangers of texting while driving have failed to curb the ubiquitous behavior.

“Our roads are filled with millennials raised in front of a cellphone screen. We cannot realistically expect these young drivers not to text and drive,” said Ms. Hinga. “The bumpered texting lane is our attempt to mitigate the dangers of texting while driving and is a plan that we believe will save thousands of lives.”

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Faux Report

Florida Conservative Group Says We Need To ‘Save The Mosquitos’

MIAMI, Florida – 

As government leaders argue over funding the Zika control effort, environmentalists in Florida are campaigning to save the mosquitos. The Florida Conservation Coalition (FCC) says the attempts to control the spread of the Zika virus by decimating the mosquito population will harm the environment.

FCC representative Matt Toole says, “Saving a few babies from a life of gross mental retardation is not worth the entire collapse of the eco system. Bats, birds, and dragon flies stand to be wiped out. And don’t get me started on fish.”

One protester, desperate to make a point, was hospitalized after covering himself in bug spray and setting himself on fire.

Most other residents of Florida could not disagree more. Swamp resident Marla Jackson says she hopes they kill every last mosquito. “If just one sweet little babe is saved, I say wipe them all out. We hate those damn bugs.”

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Faux Report

Doctor Discovers Thousands Of Baby Spiders Inside Boil On Man’s Face

baby spiders2

MIAMI, Florida – 

A Miami man visited a doctor recently for what he assumed was a skin rash or a boil on the side of his face, but doctors surprised him by explaining that the lesion was actually a spider’s nest.

“When the patient came in, he thought he was just going to be getting the area lanced and cleaned,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Miami-Dade Hospital Center. “As soon as he came into the ER, though, we sectioned him off and had to perform minor surgery immediately.”

This is not the first time that a Miami-area man has had spider eggs laid inside their body. In 2006, another man was complaining of an itchy spot on his leg, and doctors were forced to amputate from the knee down after they discovered a colony of more than 10,000 baby spiders had nested under his skin.

“Our patient was a lot more lucky. He will not lose any of the skin on his face, and we were able to contain and kill all of the spiders,” said Dr. Brown. “Basically, a pregnant spider must have been crawling on our patient’s face during the evening, and was able to lay her eggs in an opening when our young patient was suffering from severe acne. It’s a fluke, and rare, but something everyone should be aware of.”

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Symphony

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Fox Election CNN Election Trump: FL, IL, NC, MP, MO+0.2%? Kasich: OH NBC calls Trump MO, 32 delegates (NBC) Florida—Rubio, Trump, Clinton… (AP) House: 383-0, ISIS genocide of Christians (Young Conservatives) Photo: Trump-charger stands on flag (Facebook – Justin Adams) Newt: RNC can’t stop Trump, viz FL (Breitbart) Auto-Homeland could admit wrong immigrants (Yahoo-Reuters) Establishment: Boehner endorses Paul Ryan for president | Politico continue reading
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Faux Report

Hair Stylists Stabs Man In Head With Scissors After He Refuses To Tip

scissors

MIAMI, Florida – 

A Florida man is in critical condition after a hair stylist stabbed in him the head with a pair of scissors late yesterday afternoon.

According to police, Marvin Jones was getting his haircut at a StyleCuts location in Miami, and when he was done, he was paying via a credit card.

“Eye witnesses say that the assailant, Missy Richards, asked Jones if he would like to leave a gratuity on the card, but Jones declined,” said police chief Marvin Simmons. “At that point, Ms. Richards picked up a pair of scissors from her station, and stabbed Mr. Jones in the head or face area with them.”

“I’ve been cutting hair for years, and it still pisses me off when someone doesn’t tip,” said Richards, 29. “I mean, if you’re a grown-ass man, and you come in to my shop, or any shop that provides a service, really, and you can’t even be bothered to tip? Well fuck you, I’ve got a tip for you, then. The tip of my scissors in your damn face!”

Police have arrested Richards, and she is being charged with assault with a deadly weapon, as well as attempted murder. Doctors are unsure at this time if Jones will survive, but they say he will probably lose sight in the eye closest to where he was stabbed.

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Faux Report

‘Farmer’s Almanac’ Predicts Hottest Summer Ever; Temperature To Reach 140 Degrees

farmers

CARLSON, Indiana –

The Old Farmer’s Almanac, which has been predicting weather patterns better than your local meteorologist for decades, states that summer of 2016 will be the hottest on record, with scorching heat and humidity that will make many parts of the United States and Canada reach temperatures that were previously unheard of, with some areas consistently reaching 140 degrees Fahrenheit.

“It’s that damn global warming that’s to blame for this mess,” said old farmer Macdonald. “I’ve had my farm here with my chickens, goats, cows, and all them for what seems like forever. Looks like this year I will have to figure out a new plan. With the way that heat will be coming, all my animals will surely cook out in the fields. Guess I’ll have me some meats, though.”

Each summer, hundreds of people, usually elderly and small children, die from heat stroke or sun-related illnesses. This year, medical professionals are predicting that number will likely be somewhere in the mid-10,000 range.

“We treated 198 people for sunstroke last year in our hospital, and that was just a normal year,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Miami-Dade Medical Center. “This year, with the way the outreach forecast is looking, we are expecting to treat upwards of 1,000 at our center alone. Frankly, we know for sure that lot won’t make it.”

It may only be February, but doctors and weathermen are all suggesting that you buy new air conditioners now, before they are too hard to come by.

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Faux Report

Police Pull Over Man For Broken Headlight, Discover Trunk Filled With Human Remains

trunk

MIAMI, Florida –

Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.

“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”

When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.

“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”

Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.

“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”

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Faux Report

Police Pull Over Man For Broken Headlight, Discover Trunk Filled With Human Remains

trunk

MIAMI, Florida –

Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.

“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”

When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.

“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”

Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.

“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”

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Faux Report

Snake Bites Boy At Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom

animal kingdom

ORLANDO, Florida – 

A family from Alabama plans to sue Disney World after they said an escaped snake at Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom dropped from a tree and bit their young child. The family’s attorney, Matt Morgan, said Thursday that the boy’s grandmother saw the snake bite him, went into cardiac arrest from fright, and died soon after. They boy was treated with a band-aid and continued to enjoy the park after the incident.

While the family mourns her death, they say they will remember Grandma’s sacrifice as they spend the money they will receive from this lawsuit. “She would have said, ‘I’m old. I lived my life. Let God take me if it means my family can go on more memorable vacations.’ Next time we won’t be going anywhere with snakes though,” said one of the family members. The names are not being released at this time.

Disney says the snake was wild and not part of their attraction. Attorney Jeff Kendell plans to represent the snake, who did not intend to harm the boy. “The snake was nonvenomous, so it did not plan to hurt anyone. It was merely speaking out about the destruction of its wild habitat for a tourist destination in the only way it knew how.”

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Faux Report

Anonymous Florida Woman Weds Giant, Black Dildo

bride

MIAMI, Florida – 

A Miami woman is happily married to her fiancee of over 2 years, a giant black dildo that she calls “Ted.”

“Ted and I met after I bought him at a discount sex shop right off the beach a couple years ago,” said the woman, who wishes to remain anonymous. “It was love at first sight. Normally, I’m not attracted to black guys, but with Ted, it was different, and we hit it off immediately.”

The woman says that she and Ted would often go on dates, but mostly spent time alone at home.

“We liked alone time the best,” said the woman. “It’s when Ted and I really got to know each other. He proposed after only about 8 months of dating.”

Florida laws are naturally very lax when it comes to who or what people can marry, because Florida is an extremely odd location filled with extremely odd people.

“I’m just so glad I stopped into the shop that day,” said the woman in an interview with a local Miami newspaper. “I don’t know where’d I’d be today if I hadn’t. Ted fills me up like no man has ever done before; it really and truly is love.”

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