Faux Report

Moviegoers Burn Down Theatre After Showing of Controversial Film That Portrays Jesus Christ as Gay

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

A controversial new independent film has caused an extreme reaction from moviegoers, after it was screened in downtown Detroit. The film, which portrays Jesus Christ as a homosexual who has been cast from Heaven by God, created such an extreme negative reaction during the premiere, that the crowd destroyed the theatre by setting it on fire, causing over $2 million in damages.

Gay For Pray: The Erotic Adventures of Jesus Christ was released this month through an independent film releasing company, and is the first-known depiction of Jesus as a homosexual on film. The movie is being called one of the most highly controversial of all time, and the director says that he is “overjoyed” by the reaction.

“There’s nothing that could possibly be better than a crowd that is so moved by a film that they actually burn the theatre to the ground,” said Nathan Rumler, the filmmaker behind the movie. “I hope that at every screening they end up destroying the place, it would be a dream come true to leave that kind of mark on the movie going public.”

Many people who were at the screening refused to identify themselves in fear they might be held liable for the damage, but Empire News managed to speak to one woman who was there during the premiere.

“As a devout Christian, I was appalled at what I saw in this movie,” said Margaret Richards, who attended the screening. “I had no idea what the movie was about, but the theatre had given free passes. This movie is the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen. It has blackface! And nasty sex talk and…sex items shaped like the Cross! Jesus is most definitely not gay, the Bible would have said so, and wouldn’t have told us to hate homosexuals if he was! This movie was the most blasphemous thing I’ve witnessed in my life. And the violence, and the language! And a naked girl bends over and shows her hoo-ha to everyone! I am disgusted just thinking about it.”

Rumler agrees that the movie is extremely offensive, but that in this day and age, freedom of speech is important.

“In a time where NFL players are being lambasted for kneeling down during our National Anthem, I applaud freedom of speech. I applaud vulgarity and sex, nudity and extreme violence!” said Rumler. “If someone doesn’t like it, that’s really not my problem. It probably shouldn’t have been something they watched in the first place. I’m not going to sit down and watch The Notebook just so I can burn the theatre down in anger, am I? Hell no.”

The film will continue to show in limited run at festivals and events throughout the remainder of the year, but Rumler says he has “no plans at all” to pull the release.

 

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Faux Report

Chinese Fidget Spinner Bursts Into Flames, Kills Toddler In Her Sleep

LOS ANGELES, California –

The parents of a 3 year old girl woke up to tragedy Monday morning as their child was found dead in her bed. The cause of death, reported by the Los Angeles Coroners Department, was due to a faulty light up fidget spinner that electrocuted the child, giving her 3rd degree burns on the face as she slept with it as it was charging in her bed.

Experts are warning parents of the dangers of purchasing fidget spinners from China, as this is not the first incident of injury. Over 100 children have been injured or killed since their release earlier this year.

“You should never leaving any devise in your bed while it’s charging,” said lead detective Louis Miguel. “We have seen this a number of times, mostly with cell phones. But these fidget spinners are injuring children in large numbers.”

The child was pronounced dead at the scene. The fidget spinner was made in China and purchased online.

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Faux Report

Angry Mob Burns Down Denny’s Restaurant After Finding It Closed

dennys

BANGOR, Maine – 

If there’s one thing that everyone knows about Denny’s Resturants, it’s that they’re always open, and that their food always gives you the blow shits.

One group of people who were hungry for a late night meal were enraged to find that their local restaurant was closed last Tuesday evening, and instead of finding a new place to eat, opted to burn the place to the ground.

“Denny’s is supposed to always be open, and it was bullshit that they weren’t!” said Jordan Scott, 20. “We drove 40 minutes, which is like 3 days of driving when you’re as high as we were, and when we got there, they weren’t even open. What the fuck is that? Denny’s doesn’t close! We were pissed.”

According to police, Scott and four of his friends arrived at a Denny’s location in Bangor, Maine at around 3am Tuesday morning, and when they found that it was closed for cleaning, they set the building on fire.

“Thankfully, the employees inside working were able to make it out unharmed,” said Police Chief Joe Goldsmith. “Unfortunately for the arsonists, the Denny’s they burned down was directly across the street from a 24-hour Dunkin Donuts, and that place was open. It was also filled with police officers.”

The group of delinquents were arrested, and charged with arson. The group say, though, that they plan to sue Denny’s for false advertising, and will use the money won to pay their own court costs.

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Prophecy

Bob Jones: Preview of the 2014 Shepherd’s Rod

Preview of the 2014 Shepherd’s Rod
Each year on the Day of Atonement we set our self aside to receive revelation from the Lord for the body of Christ for the upcoming year and the years to follow. Some of the things the Lord highlighted this year are: the Father’s love, resurrection power, the international banker, warnings to the church about immorality and paralyzing fear. We want to share with you one message we feel is vital to the church this year as we get ready to move into a season of the baptism of fire.
Baptism of Fire
By Bob Jones

Second Birthing
Bob was handed a huge white egg and as it was placed in his hand it began to hatch open.  As he drew closer to examine the egg, he saw that it had fire inside and it was like a birthing of fire.
This egg represents a new birthing and new life because it represents the second birthing of the baptism of fire. This baptism will be far greater than Pentecost and more powerful than Azusa Street of recent times. I believe we’re all getting ready to be birthed a second time in fire. This was the timing and we will see the fire of God this year. (Hebrews 6:5)
John answered, saying to all, “I indeed baptize you with water; but One mightier than I is coming, whose sandal strap I am not worthy to loose. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. (Luke 3:16)
It’s the same kind of fire as the burning bush that was not consumed. I believe that now is a time of commissioning like when Moses received his instructions. When this egg opens, the wisdom that will be given is that of the Father’s will because it will reveal the Father’s heart to us. Then our only testing will be obedience to that which the Father puts in our conscience.
This baptism of fire means that plagues and viruses cannot cling to it. No demonic control can survive around it and the enemy cannot trouble you. The baptism of fire will bring in holiness and holiness is one of the main words this year. God is a holy God and when we are consumed by this baptism of fire, anything unholy that comes into our presence will not be able to stand. The power of this consuming fire will cause demons to flee and sickness, disease, infirmities and plagues to die instantly. There will be no question that the power of God is resident in His people.
Highway of Holiness
I saw that we had been working on a roadway and were just near finishing it. The road was made so you could drive up the mountain. I felt this was the highway of holiness of Isaiah 35 and I think this year there’s going to be more emphasis on holiness than ever before. We are called to make the highway of holiness presentable so people can drive on it. If you walked on this road it would take quite a while. But I feel the Lord wants it to be made possible for you to get there quicker.
A highway shall be there, and a road,? And it shall be called the Highway of Holiness.? The unclean shall not pass over it,? But it shall be for others.? Whoever walks the road, although a fool,? Shall not go astray. No lion shall be there,? Nor shall any ravenous beast go up on it;?It shall not be found there.? But the redeemed shall walk there, And the ransomed of the Lord shall return,? And come to Zion with singing,? With everlasting joy on their heads.? They shall obtain joy and gladness,? And sorrow and sighing shall flee away.(Isaiah 35:8-10)
We were nearly finished working on it so people could drive right up on top of the mountain and park. This is a year of holiness and there will be a quietness that the body needs. At different times they will come to the mountain top just think on the Lord and rest in His holiness. 
Conditions for Holiness
The project we were finishing at the very top of the mountain was the highest way in God. We had worked on this mountain road so we could navigate it by auto. And that auto means being really impressed with the Lord. The conditions for getting on the highway of holiness are in Isaiah 55 which means your thoughts must line up with God’s. If your thoughts are in agreement with God’s, your actions and deeds will follow.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. (Isaiah 55:8)
Many Christians are coming into the Spirit of Holiness this year and that is the Spirit of Resurrection in Romans 1:4. We are called to be holy as the Lord Thy God is Holy (Lev. 19:2). Then we have the power to heal the sick, raise the dead and do the greater works. The Spirit of Resurrection is coming to the remnant so they can bring thousands into salvation by knowing the way and the way is holiness through obedience to Isaiah 55:8.
We had been working on the road going up a mountain and had it graded down and graveled so you could drive on it. We just needed to finish it at the very top so people could drive up and park and look into the heavens. I believe this is saying that the heavens are going to be open this year. So expect to receive greater revelation than ever before. Then take it down the mountain road and into the cities and villages and watch them be transformed as you deliver them from demonic oppression, plagues and disease. When the glory rests upon you like it did Moses, no demon will be able to resist its’ presence.
Oh, that You would rend the heavens! That You would come down!?That the mountains might shake at Your presence— (Isaiah 64:1)
House Ablaze
By Bonnie Jones
In a dream I saw people running toward a house that was greatly ablaze; fire was blaring everywhere. There was yellow police tape stretched between trees in the foreground that read “DO NOT CROSS.” But people paid it no mind. They just broke through the tape and ran toward the fire.
I believe the house represents the church and its about to catch fire. The glory of the Lord is going to fill the house in such an extraordinary way that it’s going to be contagious. People will come from near and far to feel the presence and power of the baptism of fire.
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