Faux Report

Beyoncé and Jay-Z Announce Birth of Sextuplets

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Singer Beyoncé and her husband, entertainment mogul Jay-Z, officially announced the birth of their children yesterday, surprising the world by releasing a photo of sextuplets.

“We are extremely happy to welcome to the family our SIX NEW BABIES!” said Beyoncé in an instagram post, accompanied by a picture of the little ones, which she said are all happy and healthy. “We are so #blessed.”

The names of the children have not been released, but Jay-Z said in a social media post that all the babies and mom are “doing great.”

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Faux Report

BREAKING: OJ Simpson Reportedly Killed In Prison

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LOVELOCK PRISON, Nevada – 

Representatives for Lovelock Correctional Facility in Nevada have responded to questions about OJ Simpson, who has been incarcerated in their facility since 2008, after news was leaked that Simpson killed during a prison-wide talent show that featured inmates and guards alike.

“It is absolutely correct that OJ Simpson, better known around the prison as Juice, absolutely killed during his stand-up comedy routine,” said Lovelock warden Derek Hughes. “He really was hilarious, and he had the whole crowd in stitches the entire time. He performed for maybe 15 minutes, doing totally original material. I seriously had tears rolling down my cheeks. It really was a throwback to his comedy days. You remember those Naked Gun movies? Oh man, those are my favorite films. He was hilarious then, and he’s hilarious now. I hope he gets out in time to make a cameo in the remake they’re working on.”

“I absolutely love performing, and it was great to get up there, have a little fun, and make everyone laugh,” said Simpson. “There are two big loves in my life, and that’s sports and comedy. I hadn’t yet been able to really do much comedy since I’d been in prison, but I am thankful that I’ve been able to coach and mentor some of the younger inmates and help them in their games. We have some great fields and facilities here. I want to thank everyone for the kind words about my stand-up performance. It means a lot.”

Simpson is eligible for parole in October, with preliminary parole hearings scheduled to begin in July.

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Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson FINALLY Announces Official Bid For President in 2020

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Taking a break from promoting his latest movie, Baywatch, former WWE wrestler and the world’s highest paid movie star, Dwayne Johnson, announced that he has come to a decision about running for President of the United States.

“I’m all in!” said Johnson to a reporter for Entertainment Weekly. “I’ve been giving it tons of thought. At first it was kind of a gag, and I jokingly made like I was interested. But as more and more young people approached me and asked me about it, I began to realize that I could really make a difference. We need a new…we need a better president. Someone who will listen, and make the right kind of waves. I’ve got the money to run.”

When asked where he stood on specific issues, Johnson said that he would “get into that” at a later time.

“I am a Republican, and I do have some conservative values, but I’m about the people, and helping people, and that’s what it should be about,” said Johnson. “I don’t think we need to make America great again, because the country is great, it always has been. I think what we need is to join people together. I think there are people who need to be made great again. That’s what I want to do.”

 

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Faux Report

Disney Plans Reboot of Star Wars: The Force Awakens

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

In what will be the quickest turn around for a remake in Hollywood history, Disney has announced plans to begin shooting a remake of their popular 2016 Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

“We made such a huge pile of money from that film, but there is always more to milk out of people,” said Disney spokesman George Richards. “We didn’t spend a billion dollars buying this property to let it sit. The script is being re-written, and the cast is being chosen as we speak. It’s going to be huge!”

The remake, which will be shot concurrently with the other films currently in production in the Star Wars universe, begins shooting this summer, with plans for a late 2018 release date. It will be the quickest any film has ever been remade by a major Hollywood studio.

“We are looking forward to re-breaking records with this release,” said Richards. “People say we’re out of ideas, but we’re not out of ideas – we just like to do the same things over and over again because people don’t like change! It will prove that undoubtedly when this movie goes on to make billions at the box office.”

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Faux Report

Rock Concert In Maine Now Holds World Record For ‘Most Overdoses At a Public Event’

BANGOR, Maine – 

A rock concert held last week in Maine now holds the Guinness World Record for the most overdoses on drugs at any public event.

According to the Guinness Records department, a reported 387 people overdosed, and 196 of those lead to death, at a recent concert in the small Northern city. The event, which featured a performance by a “world famous rock act,” according to police, had an estimated 15,000 people attending.

“In comparison to the number of attendees, th3 fact that there were only 387 overdoses seems comparatively small, I know,” said event organizer John Maynard. “But we really struggled to reach that number. It’s against the rules for the show to hand out or sell heavy narcotics just to hit the world record, and we definitely didn’t want to spoil our chances.”

For those who attended the concert, they said it was “just another night at a rock show,” and that most people didn’t even notice the violent convulsions, vomiting, or people passing out.

“The show was too good for me to even care, dude,” said Kyle Chaplin, 26. “I heard that a shit ton of people OD’d, and that a bunch died, too. That sucks for them, seriously. But like, it’s a rock show man. Shit’s bound to happen. Cool thing was that as soon as people started passing out and shit, it made it really easy to get up front into the good seats.”

Police say that the next event they will “loosen security” in hopes that they can move the record even higher. The next biggest number of overdoses was at Lollapalooza 1997, when 264 people OD’d. In that case, only 75 ended up dead.

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Dolph Lundgren To Replace Bill Nye on New Netflix TV Series

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

After a series of memes was released online comparing the scientific background of TV host Bill Nye (“The Science Guy”) and action star Dolph Lundgren, Netflix has decided to replace Nye on his own show, Bill Nye Saves The World, with Lundgren.

“We really wanted someone who knew what they were talking about, from a scientific perspective, when we decided to create this series,” says Netflix representative Mario Jones. “After it went online, though, many people began to complain that Nye was not qualified to host a series, at least not compared to Dolph Lundgren. We found it odd, but if there’s one thing Netflix does right, it’s create shows people want to watch.”

Although not 100% accurate (Lundgren studied chemistry at Washington State, but did not receive a degree from the school), this internet meme relates the qualifications of Bill Nye and Dolph Lundgren
Although not 100% accurate (Lundgren studied chemistry at Washington State, but did not receive a degree from the school), this internet meme compared the qualifications of Bill Nye and Dolph Lundgren

To their credit, the internet is mostly right. Dolph Lundgren, best known for roles in the Rocky franchise and in The Expendables films, both co-starring Sylvester Stallone, does have an impressive scientific background, with multiple degrees in varying sciences. Lundgren, whose IQ is 160, says he is “excited” to host the show, but sad for Bill Nye.

“I don’t know the guy, he seems alright. He hosted a show for a long time, but back then, there was no internet, so it was hard for people to be so vocal and critical,” said Lundgren. “I hope that when I take over the show for the next season, people will be happy with the information, and find me qualified to deliver it.”

The series will be renamed Dolph Lundgren Punches You In The Face With Science when it returns in 2018.

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Trump Becomes First Person To Admit Their Favorite Band is Nickelback

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

During an impromptu press conference at the White House, President Trump answered questions about his first 100 days in office, and also briefly joked with reporters about some of his favorite things about living in Washington D.C.

“The White House has an incredible sound system,” said Trump. “My favorite band has always been Nickelback, because I am a Leader of Men, and because their song How You Remind Me is a triumph of modern rock. Now that I live in the White House, I crank them through the building’s awesome surround sound. I can walk from room to room, and just keep listening. It’s amazing.”

For years, the Canadian rock act has been the butt of internet jokes, with most people referring to them as the worst band of all time, despite being one of the biggest selling music acts in history, and regularly selling out arenas around the world.

President Trump is the first person to ever admit publicly that they are a favorite band.

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Netflix Show ’13 Reasons Why’ Sparks Thousands of Teens To Commit Suicide

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

The new series from Netflix, 13 Reasons Why, which deals with the aftermath of a young teen who commits suicide, has apparently ‘triggered’ thousands of teenagers across the country to kill themselves.

“It’s shocking, really, that our little girl killed herself,” said Mary Lambert, 50, a mother of three whose oldest daughter, 19-year-old Alyssa killed herself last week. “We didn’t know she was even watching the show, let alone depressed in the first place. It’s really just the pits.”

Netflix says that the show is not designed for children and teens, but many kids have reported watching it anyway.

“I wasn’t really depressed before I watched the show, but then as I watched, I saw how much everyone actually cared after the girl killed herself, and I was like ‘Damn!’,” said Hannah, age 15. “I didn’t kill myself, at least not yet. Depends on how the show keeps going. I’m only like 5 episodes in.”

Many people are saying that it is “irresponsible” of Netflix to provide such content to teens, and not even offer a warning or a resource label with 800-numbers or websites that can help, much like other shows and movies have done that deal with heavy subjects.

Netflix says that they’re “very sorry” to hear that so many teens are killing themselves after watching the show.

“It’s a shame that teens are taking the wrong message from our show,” said Netflix spokesman Kyle Chandler. “It’s even worse for them now, because we just confirmed that we are going to continue the story with a season 2.”

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Registered Sex Offender ‘Very Upset’ Children Stopped Playing ‘Pokemon Go’ Mobile Game

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

Mark Henry, a registered sex offender who has been convicted more than a dozen times for crimes against teens and children, says he is “very upset” that no one plays Pokemon Go anymore.

“I used to be able to meet tons of little kids, because everyone was playing it, and now the only people I’m meeting are other pervs who are out looking for kids, too,” said Henry. “It’s stupid. I wish they’d make a new game I could use to track kids.”

Pokemon Go was the most popular mobile game of all time, with hundreds of millions of downloads – but that was last year. Since the release, users have stopped playing in droves, with an average of only 3 or 4 people still playing in any given town on any given day.

“Last summer, kids were everywhere, and now, they haven’t been anywhere,” said Henry. “Plenty of Squirtles are out there, but no kids. I’m suffering, here.”

The game would allow players to catch Pokemon in the “real world” using augmented reality. Many players worked together to “Catch ’em all.”

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Country Star Loretta Lynn Says She’s Sick of Getting Hate Mail For Loretta Lynch

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – 

Country legend Loretta Lynch, best known for her his song The Coal Miner’s Daughter, says she is “sick to death” of getting hate mail, emails, and tweets aimed at former Attorney General Loretta Lynch.

“I don’t know the woman, but Republicans apparently hate that bitch,” said Lynn, 84. “I get hundreds of emails and tweets each day, confusing me with her. I don’t know why. I sing music, she’s just some black attorney. I don’t see the connection.”

Former Attorney General Loretta Lynch, who was appointed by Barack Obama, has never been liked by Republican voters, but has recently been in the news for Republican reports that she is tied to a Clinton scandal.

This is not the first time that celebrities have been confused for one another. Rachel Roy was allegedly the woman referenced as having an affair with Beyonce’s husband, and many Beyonce fans attacked TV personality Rachel Ray via twitter. Adam Sandler often gets hate mail that should be directed at Gilbert Godfried, also. Although he reportedly also gets plenty of his own as well.

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Chuck Berry Not Actually Dead, ‘I’m Just a Heavy Sleeper’ Says Rock Legend

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ST. LOUIS, Missouri – 

Chuck Berry, the man that many people say originated modern rock ‘n’ roll music, was reported as having passed away at the age of 90 by mainstream media, and the topic was trending on Facebook and other social media sites by mid-day Saturday. As it turns out, though, the reports were false.

“Chuck is still alive and kicking, albeit with a lot less force than a few years ago,” said a friend of Berry’s, Marvin Richardson. “I was just hanging out with him last night. He played a few licks on the guitar for me, and he got a good laugh out of the fact that everyone thought he was dead. He said he was only taking a nap!”

Berry, who has a career that spans over 60 years, is the latest in what some people would refer to as a “death hoax,” but in this case, it seems that Berry is in good spirits about it and doesn’t think it was a traditional hoax.

“I don’t think anyone said I had died on purpose to fool people,” said Berry. “I think that my family, my friends, and even my doctors really thought I was dead. I do sleep really, really soundly, and sometimes I think my heart may actually be stopping. I guess this just confirms it.”

Berry will perform his 300th concert at Blueberry Hill next month, assuming he hasn’t died for real by that point.

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Faux Report

Chuck Berry Not Actually Dead, ‘I’m Just a Heavy Sleeper’ Says Rock Legend

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ST. LOUIS, Missouri – 

Chuck Berry, the man that many people say originated modern rock ‘n’ roll music, was reported as having passed away at the age of 90 by mainstream media, and the topic was trending on Facebook and other social media sites by mid-day Saturday. As it turns out, though, the reports were false.

“Chuck is still alive and kicking, albeit with a lot less force than a few years ago,” said a friend of Berry’s, Marvin Richardson. “I was just hanging out with him last night. He played a few licks on the guitar for me, and he got a good laugh out of the fact that everyone thought he was dead. He said he was only taking a nap!”

Berry, who has a career that spans over 60 years, is the latest in what some people would refer to as a “death hoax,” but in this case, it seems that Berry is in good spirits about it and doesn’t think it was a traditional hoax.

“I don’t think anyone said I had died on purpose to fool people,” said Berry. “I think that my family, my friends, and even my doctors really thought I was dead. I do sleep really, really soundly, and sometimes I think my heart may actually be stopping. I guess this just confirms it.”

Berry will perform his 300th concert at Blueberry Hill next month, assuming he hasn’t died for real by that point.

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‘Cash Me Outside’ Girl Revealed To Actually Be 45-Year-Old Man

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Danielle Bregoli, better known as the “cash me outside” or “catch me outside” girl who was made famous by her atrocious behavior and fake street-girl accent on the Dr. Phil Show, has been revealed to be an actor, 45-year-old Danny Meyers.

Meyers is a YouTube sensation, who said that he started the character of Danielle on his channel, and it didn’t really catch on.

“When I took her to national TV, that’s when this entire thing really started to pay off,” said Meyers. “I really didn’t think it was going to blow up like it did, but it ended up being hilarious.”

Meyers is known for his extensive pranks and characters from his YouTube series, Pranks and Characters, and he says the character of the “cash me outside” girl just came naturally.

“I used to watch me sister and her friends get ready for a night on the town, and they ended up just spending the whole time putting on too much makeup and talking shit about boys and trying to act tough,” said Meyers. “I come from Stamford, Connecticut. There is nobody hard in Connecticut.”

Meyers appeared on the Dr. Phil Show twice as Danielle, and even went through an entire 3-week course at a camp to deter wayward youth.

“Being on that ranch was tough, I’m not going to lie. There were several times I wanted to give up, tell them it was all a joke, and move on,” said Meyers. “But I stuck it out. I figured I owed Dr. Phil that much for making me famous.”

There was no comment made from Meyers about who played Danielle’s mother on the Dr. Phil Show, or if he plans to retire the character now that he has outed himself.

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Hillary Clinton Takes Game Show Hosting Gig

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

The former first lady and almost president, Hillary Clinton, may have disappeared from the spotlight in the weeks after the election, but apparently, the reason isn’t anything that people speculated.

According to GSN – the Gameshow Network – Clinton has been busy filming episodes of POPlitics, a new show they’ve developed featuring a mashup of questions about politics and pop-culture.

“Mrs. Clinton was our dream-get for the host of POPlitics, and we honestly never thought she’d sign on,” said game creator Mark Levine. “She was very close to winning the election and becoming the leader of the free world for a bit there, and we were in the middle of working out the game details and kinks at that point. Our backup would have been to get Paul Ryan, or maybe Weiner – someone else whose name people recognize. But, thankfully, she lost the election, and we were able to sign her on!”

Levine says that game show shoots are grueling, and that’s why Clinton hasn’t been seen for a bit.

“Game shows regularly shoot a whole week’s worth of episodes in one day, with breaks for wardrobe changes, and stuff like that,” said Levine. “Hill has been great. She has a lot of pantsuits, so it’s quick for her to just throw on a new color, and get back out there. The game really came together when she took on hosting duties. It’s going to be great!”

POPlitics will begin airing in April on GSN.

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