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Old Juggalo Says He’s Worried About The Future Generation of Lil’ Juggalos

PONTIAC, Michigan –

55-year-old Kevin Anderson has been a self-proclaimed juggalo for over two decades, but says that young juggalos who are just coming into the family aren’t going to continue with the positive  message that they’ve always been about. According to Anderson, whose Juggalo name is “Klown Syndrome,” the new kids just don’t understand.

From The Hard Times:

“Frankly, I’m worried for our future,” said the outspoken Syndrome. “These Millennial Juggalos don’t know their asses from their elbows! They’re a bunch of assed-out tricks who don’t have the work ethic to hatchet their way out of a wet paper bag.”

Syndrome admitted his worry grew after attending last summer’s Gathering of the Juggalos.

“It was some straight Jugga-ho behavior, to be completely honest with you,” noted Syndrome. “This one youngin’ was talkin’ shit about how Faygo’s loaded with high fructose corn syzurup or some shit, and that we should try drinking water every once in a while. That’s some seriously wack shit. For real.”

Syndrome blames parents in his age group for raising a generation of coddled, entitled “Juggaflakes.”

“Back in the day, we worked for what we wanted. Nobody handed me anything when I was coming up. Nowadays, these young Juggs show up demanding blunts and whip-its like they grow on trees or something,” barked Syndrome. “They’re lucky I don’t straight up whoop they scrub asses.”

Old timers in other musical gangs, including those in the KISS Army, say they, too, can relate to the struggle, but remain hopefully that the next generation will eventually follow suit.

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Justin Bieber Signs $2M Porn Deal With Brazzers

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Justin Bieber announced today that he has signed a $2 million contract with Brazzers, the adult website, with plans to complete 5 pornographic films. Sources close to the film company say one of those movies may also star Selena Gomez, Bieber’s on-again, off-again lover.

Bieber began his career in music over a decade ago, after being discovered on YouTube. Since then, he has released several extremely successful albums, and has appeared many times on the covers of tabloids throughout the world.

“Now that he is no longer selling records, and his popularity is dipping, he is desperate for money,” says an anonymous source close to the musician. “I think this is a bad decision, really. Most of his fans are young girls, under 18, and they shouldn’t be allowed to see this stuff…but you know they will seek it out. It will ruin his already tarnished reputation.”

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President Trump Will Appear in WWE Royal Rumble Tonight

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PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

President Trump, who has been friends with WWE owner Vince McMahon for many years, and who has been a part of wrestling events in the past, will be appearing at tonight’s Royal Rumble in Philadelphia. Normally he’d be relegated to a sideline role, or a walk-in part where he may speak,  but this event will be very different. Trump will actually be wrestling in the Rumble match.

“President Trump was asked to participate, and he said yes,” said White House spokesman Giles Anderson. “He and Vince McMahon are longtime friends, and he missed working with the WWE. It was President Trump’s suggestion that he actually participate in a physical role.”

Trump has secretly been training in the ring for the last 6 months in anticipation of tonight’s event, and is saying that he is confident in his abilities.

“I obviously will not be winning the match, I don’t think anyone expects that,” said President Trump. “But I will be able to hold my own with no problem.”

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Tom Hanks’ ‘Cast Away’ Co-Star Alleges Sexual Abuse During Filming

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Tom Hanks is “America’s Favorite Actor,” but after allegations that just surfaced, many people might be re-thinking supporting his next role.

One of Hanks’ most memorable roles from the early 00’s is the film Cast Away, where Hanks is marooned on a deserted island after a plane crash. The entire film revolves around only two main characters – Hanks, and his friend, a volleyball he names Wilson.

Wilson the volleyball, who is represented by ICM Partners out of Los Angeles, recently released a statement through his lawyer that stated that Hanks sexually assaulted him throughout the entire filming of Cast Away, and then paid members of the production team to cover it up.

“Mr. Hanks would often grab, run, and fondle Wilson the Volleyball, and despite his assertions that he did not want to be touched, Mr. Hanks did not desist,” said Martin Schuster, Wilson’s lawyer. “Although we understand that the statute of limitations has passed on this crime, Wilson has decided to finally come forward and release this information, so that other balls in Hollywood films can feel safer.”

Hanks had no comment on the allegations, but since Wilson’s announcement, several other inanimate objects in film history have come forward alleging misconduct, including Rosebud, the sled from Citizen Kane, and the Ruby Slippers from The Wizard of Oz.

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Harvey Weinstein Put Into Witness Protection After Reportedly Ratting on Sex Offenders, Pedophiles to FBI

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Former Hollywood producer and mogul Harvey Weinstein was recently fired from his position as CEO of The Weinstein Company after several woman accused of him of sexual assault, with more coming forward,  documenting decades of abuse. After he was also kicked out of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Weinstein reportedly approached the FBI with a deal to list big Hollywood names of others who he knew for certain to be sex offenders or pedophiles.

“Mr. Weinstein has given us well over 500 names, and many of them are quite shocking,” said FBI director Martin Roberts. “When we eventually move from investigation to arrests, many people will be extremely shocked and surprised at the people we take in. These are the creme de la creme of Hollywood elite, many of them are huge A-list stars.”

There has long been talk of a secret ring of sex offenders and pedophilia that was rampant in Hollywood, but Harvey Weinstein’s downfall was just “the tip of the iceberg” according to Roberts.

“We have since worked out a deal with Weinstein, the details of which are not up for discussion at this time,” said Roberts. “He has, though, been  moved in to witness protection, as many of the people he named had far-reaching power, and we are uncertain of his safety at this time.”

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Major Hollywood Actress Comes Forward With Shocking Revelation: ‘I’ve Never Been Raped’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A Hollywood actress recently gave an interview with People Magazine, and made a startling revelation about her time in Tinsel Town.

“I’ve never been raped, not even a little bit,” said the actress, who for now is keeping her identity a secret in fear that her story could cause her to miss out on roles. “I’ve worked with almost every major producer in town, at every studio, and not a single one has ever even tried to touch me, or show me their genitals, or even made a slight pass.”

Many actresses are stepping up recently, with accusations against major Hollywood players, including Harvey Weinstein, former head of The Weinstein Company, who has since been fired and even release from The Academy over accusations of sexual assault.

“I’ve worked with Harvey, and he was fine with me, but I definitely believe what these other women are saying,” said the actress. “You have to understand that Hollywood is a machine of pure sex. People use it to make or break their careers, and that’s not even getting into how deep it can go when we’re talking about child actors, and pedophilia.”

The news comes as a major shock that an actress, who did reveal that she is an Oscar winner and has worked in Hollywood for more than two decades, has never been assaulted.

“Frankly, I’m surprised to find that any woman hasn’t been raped in Hollywood, so it’s definitely a surprise,” said a top film producer who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, I’ve worked with a lot of women over the years, and I’ve definitely at least gave them a quick grope or flashed myself, or sent a dick pic. So it’s really kind of crazy to find out there’s one that we haven’t gotten to yet.”

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Netflix Buys Illegal Torrent Downloading Website The Pirate Bay

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CUPERTINO, California – 

Netflix, one of the world’s largest media companies, has just announced that they have purchased the popular illegal torrent website The Pirate Bay. TPB, as its commonly known, is one of the biggest sources of illegal online traffic, providing links for downloads of movies, music, pornography, and even textbooks.

Of the top 200 links on the website, 40 of them are Netflix properties, including the lastest film in the Child’s Play series, as well as Orange is the New Black, Stranger Things, and several stand-up comedy specials. With the knowledge that many of their owned works were being bootlegged, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said he decided the best course of action was to buy the site.

“A lot of these websites, they claim to have some sort of principles, like they aren’t in it for the money, but for the freedom of information,” said Hastings. “Frankly, that’s bullshit. Of course they’re in it for the money. No one does anything without an endgame, and theirs was to get rich on someone else’s work – in this case movies, music, and TV. Knowing that, I went to them with an offer, and they accepted.”

Although the details of the deal were not made public, sources speculate that the purchase probably cost Netflix somewhere in the nature of $250 million. Their plans are to keep the site active, and charge users on a per-download basis.

“No use shutting it down entirely, that would be stupid,” said Hastings. “Instead, we’re going to keep it going, but no one will be taking our product anymore. They can pay for it like everyone else.”

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Moviegoers Burn Down Theatre After Showing of Controversial Film That Portrays Jesus Christ as Gay

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

A controversial new independent film has caused an extreme reaction from moviegoers, after it was screened in downtown Detroit. The film, which portrays Jesus Christ as a homosexual who has been cast from Heaven by God, created such an extreme negative reaction during the premiere, that the crowd destroyed the theatre by setting it on fire, causing over $2 million in damages.

Gay For Pray: The Erotic Adventures of Jesus Christ was released this month through an independent film releasing company, and is the first-known depiction of Jesus as a homosexual on film. The movie is being called one of the most highly controversial of all time, and the director says that he is “overjoyed” by the reaction.

“There’s nothing that could possibly be better than a crowd that is so moved by a film that they actually burn the theatre to the ground,” said Nathan Rumler, the filmmaker behind the movie. “I hope that at every screening they end up destroying the place, it would be a dream come true to leave that kind of mark on the movie going public.”

Many people who were at the screening refused to identify themselves in fear they might be held liable for the damage, but Empire News managed to speak to one woman who was there during the premiere.

“As a devout Christian, I was appalled at what I saw in this movie,” said Margaret Richards, who attended the screening. “I had no idea what the movie was about, but the theatre had given free passes. This movie is the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen. It has blackface! And nasty sex talk and…sex items shaped like the Cross! Jesus is most definitely not gay, the Bible would have said so, and wouldn’t have told us to hate homosexuals if he was! This movie was the most blasphemous thing I’ve witnessed in my life. And the violence, and the language! And a naked girl bends over and shows her hoo-ha to everyone! I am disgusted just thinking about it.”

Rumler agrees that the movie is extremely offensive, but that in this day and age, freedom of speech is important.

“In a time where NFL players are being lambasted for kneeling down during our National Anthem, I applaud freedom of speech. I applaud vulgarity and sex, nudity and extreme violence!” said Rumler. “If someone doesn’t like it, that’s really not my problem. It probably shouldn’t have been something they watched in the first place. I’m not going to sit down and watch The Notebook just so I can burn the theatre down in anger, am I? Hell no.”

The film will continue to show in limited run at festivals and events throughout the remainder of the year, but Rumler says he has “no plans at all” to pull the release.

 

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Whoopi Goldberg Says She Had ‘Torrid, Sexual Affair’ With Dinosaur During Filming of 1995 Movie

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Whoopi Goldberg, perhaps best known for her work on TVs The View, or from films like Boys on the Side and The Color Purple, made a horrific film in 1995 called Theodore Rex, about a cop who is partnered with a dinosaur. Despite being legally obligated to perform in the film, Goldberg has had nothing good to say about it, at least until now.

In a segment on The View, one of the other members of the panel brought up the film, and for the first time, Whoopi opened up about her time on set.

“We were in mega lawsuits about this movie, and in the end, I was forced to take the job, and I was miserable,” said Goldberg. “It wasn’t until I met Teddy that things really took a turn for the amazing. It was the most in love I’ve ever been, and I’ve never forgotten it.”

To be clear, Whoopi went on to say that it was not the actor in the Theodore Rex rubber suit she fell in love with, but the actual character – the suit itself.

“We went out on a lot of dates, and it was sexy, it was fun,” said Goldberg. “It didn’t matter who was in the suit. I got a lot of different guys to be in the suit over our few months together. But I tell you, nothing compares to going to bed with a tyrannosaurus rex. He may have tiny arms, but damn does he make up for it by having a large…tail.”

 

 

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Cailtlyn Jenner Says She Is ‘Bored’ Being a Woman, Plans On Transitioning Back to Being ‘Bruce’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

The world’s most famous transgender person, and total obnoxious asshole Caitlyn Jenner, says that she has become “completely bored” being a woman, and thinks it’s time that she transitions back to a men, and goes back to being just “plain old Bruce.”

“Being a girl is fun for a bit. I have some bitchin’ tits, and yeah, I got rid of my penis, but I miss it. We were together a long time,” says Jenner. “I think I’d like to have it back. I walk through my house, and I see myself on the hundreds of Wheaties boxes I collected, and I like the way I looked then. It’s time for another change.”

Jenner says that the plan is to return to manhood after she has the nude photos done for Playboy.

“No matter what anyone says, I’m baring it all for the nude spread,” said Jenner. “That shoot is going to make me a fortune. Everyone is going to want to see that – even those bigots who say they’re disgusted by it. You know they’re going to sneak a spank to it. I’m very excited.”

After Jenner transitions back, she says she wants everything to just “return to normal.”

“I’m honestly kind of sick of being in the public eye, being on TV, being a public icon and an American hero multiple times over,” said Jenner. “It’s going to be nice to just be Bruce again.”

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President Trump Has Invited O.J. Simpson To Visit The White House Upon His Release – You Won’t Believe Why!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has said that he plans to have convicted felon O.J. Simpson to the White House upon his release from prison, which should be sometime in October. Simpson, who has been in prison for nearly 9 years, is reportedly a “good friend” of the President, and Trump has said he has a “special job” for the former NFL superstar and comic actor.

“The Juice and I, we go way, way back, and now that he’s getting out, I want to make sure he knows that he will always have a friend here, so I am going to give him a full pardon, and offer him a job on my staff,” said Trump.

The President said he plans to completely wipe away Simpson’s prison record, which means he would not have any sort of parole specifications he has to meet, and would be as free as anyone else.

“I hope to offer O.J. a job as my personal assistant within the White House,” said Trump. “I strongly believe that it is something he would be great at. I have a lot of special assignments for him.”

 

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Beyoncé and Jay-Z Announce Birth of Sextuplets

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Singer Beyoncé and her husband, entertainment mogul Jay-Z, officially announced the birth of their children yesterday, surprising the world by releasing a photo of sextuplets.

“We are extremely happy to welcome to the family our SIX NEW BABIES!” said Beyoncé in an instagram post, accompanied by a picture of the little ones, which she said are all happy and healthy. “We are so #blessed.”

The names of the children have not been released, but Jay-Z said in a social media post that all the babies and mom are “doing great.”

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BREAKING: OJ Simpson Reportedly Killed In Prison

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LOVELOCK PRISON, Nevada – 

Representatives for Lovelock Correctional Facility in Nevada have responded to questions about OJ Simpson, who has been incarcerated in their facility since 2008, after news was leaked that Simpson killed during a prison-wide talent show that featured inmates and guards alike.

“It is absolutely correct that OJ Simpson, better known around the prison as Juice, absolutely killed during his stand-up comedy routine,” said Lovelock warden Derek Hughes. “He really was hilarious, and he had the whole crowd in stitches the entire time. He performed for maybe 15 minutes, doing totally original material. I seriously had tears rolling down my cheeks. It really was a throwback to his comedy days. You remember those Naked Gun movies? Oh man, those are my favorite films. He was hilarious then, and he’s hilarious now. I hope he gets out in time to make a cameo in the remake they’re working on.”

“I absolutely love performing, and it was great to get up there, have a little fun, and make everyone laugh,” said Simpson. “There are two big loves in my life, and that’s sports and comedy. I hadn’t yet been able to really do much comedy since I’d been in prison, but I am thankful that I’ve been able to coach and mentor some of the younger inmates and help them in their games. We have some great fields and facilities here. I want to thank everyone for the kind words about my stand-up performance. It means a lot.”

Simpson is eligible for parole in October, with preliminary parole hearings scheduled to begin in July.

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Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson FINALLY Announces Official Bid For President in 2020

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Taking a break from promoting his latest movie, Baywatch, former WWE wrestler and the world’s highest paid movie star, Dwayne Johnson, announced that he has come to a decision about running for President of the United States.

“I’m all in!” said Johnson to a reporter for Entertainment Weekly. “I’ve been giving it tons of thought. At first it was kind of a gag, and I jokingly made like I was interested. But as more and more young people approached me and asked me about it, I began to realize that I could really make a difference. We need a new…we need a better president. Someone who will listen, and make the right kind of waves. I’ve got the money to run.”

When asked where he stood on specific issues, Johnson said that he would “get into that” at a later time.

“I am a Republican, and I do have some conservative values, but I’m about the people, and helping people, and that’s what it should be about,” said Johnson. “I don’t think we need to make America great again, because the country is great, it always has been. I think what we need is to join people together. I think there are people who need to be made great again. That’s what I want to do.”

 

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