Faux Report

Pastry Chef Accidentally Bakes Bachelor Cake With Stripper Inside

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TAMPA, Florida – 

A pastry chef in Tampa has been arrested on manslaughter charges after he accidentally baked a nude woman into a cake, say Tampa Police.

According to police reports, chef Mario Blister was hired to create an extremely large cake that a nude woman could “pop out” of during a bachelor party for a group of about 30 men.

“Unfortunately, the baker had the hired stripper come to his shop, and ended up cooking her inside the cake,” said police chief Chris Tanner. “It is a tragic accident, but we have taken Mr. Blister in on involuntary manslaughter charges.”

“I don’t know how it happened, honestly,” said Blister. “Diamond came to the shop, and I had her get inside the outer framing of the cake, to make sure it was the right size. I use a massive, oversized walk-in oven. It’s like a firing kiln, custom built, as I do a lot of stripper cakes, and it’s easier to make it all at once. She fit perfectly. I left to get some icing, and when I came back, she was gone. I assumed she had left. Turns out…I was wrong.”

Blister says that the cake mold has a clasping mechanism that had somehow gotten latched shut, and Diamond, whose real name is Bambi Limber, was still inside.

“Mr. Blister ended up cooking Ms. Limber at 350 for over 25 minutes, before he smelled that something was wrong,” said Chief Tanner. “When we showed up on the scene, it was a disaster. I’d never seen anything like it in all my years on the force. On the other hand, there was a lot of cake to take home, and it was delicious.”

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Police On The Hunt For ‘Scary Clown’ That Was Filmed Killing Young Girl

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NEW ENGLAND – 

Police are hunting for a person who murdered a young girl while dressed as a “scary carnival clown,” and left her body in the woods.

State Police in Maine say that they believe that the “clown” lured the girl to the woods, and set up a camera to film the pre-planned murder. A recording was then anonymously delivered to a police station in Maine, which lead officials to the crime scene.

“This clown is still on the loose, and we do not know where they might be,” said State Police Chief Mario Richards. “We have expanded our search from Northern Maine all the way to Massachusetts. Unfortunately, we do not know who we may be looking for, as the person’s features are completely obscured by clown make-up.”

Police believe that the clown may have murdered at least 4 other people in the same area, as other crimes under investigation have similar patterns, including greasepaint being found on the victims. The latest victim was a young girl, aged 16-19. They have not yet identified the girl, and are currently seeking help from the public.

“This clown is extremely dangerous, as all clowns normally are,” said Chief Richards. “If you see this, or any other clown, please remove yourself from the area and call 911 immediately. This clown has been known to use a knife in its attacks, as well as a sickle. We are unsure if the clown is male or female.”

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Faux Report

Family Sues Life Savers Company For False Advertising After Man Contracts Diabetes, Dies

lifesavers

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A family in Massachusetts is suing Mars Inc over the false advertising of their Life Savers brand of candy after a man who was obsessed with their Wint-O-Green hard candies contracted diabetes and later died.

“You cannot call your product a ‘life saver’ if it can kill you,” said Martha Roberts, 53, whose husband, Carl, died after becoming obsessed the candies. “Carl would be turning 58 tomorrow, except these candies killed him, and it’s not right.”

According to the lawsuit, Roberts contends that her husband thought that Life Savers were a “healthy food,” because they were called Life Savers. He would usually eat 4 or 5 large bags of the individually wrapped candies a day for months at a time.

“He was obsessed with them, and we thought he was doing okay. They’re really low calorie, and he did lose some weight because he was only eating Life Savers,” said Roberts. “Then he passed out one day, and we rushed him to the ER. The doctors said his blood sugar was over 1,000, and he was in a diabetic coma. He died later that night. I’m still devastated, the whole family is.”

Mars Inc had no comment on the lawsuit. A lawyer for the company said they would be “looking into” the claims.

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Faux Report

Rock Concert In Maine Now Holds World Record For ‘Most Overdoses At a Public Event’

BANGOR, Maine – 

A rock concert held last week in Maine now holds the Guinness World Record for the most overdoses on drugs at any public event.

According to the Guinness Records department, a reported 387 people overdosed, and 196 of those lead to death, at a recent concert in the small Northern city. The event, which featured a performance by a “world famous rock act,” according to police, had an estimated 15,000 people attending.

“In comparison to the number of attendees, th3 fact that there were only 387 overdoses seems comparatively small, I know,” said event organizer John Maynard. “But we really struggled to reach that number. It’s against the rules for the show to hand out or sell heavy narcotics just to hit the world record, and we definitely didn’t want to spoil our chances.”

For those who attended the concert, they said it was “just another night at a rock show,” and that most people didn’t even notice the violent convulsions, vomiting, or people passing out.

“The show was too good for me to even care, dude,” said Kyle Chaplin, 26. “I heard that a shit ton of people OD’d, and that a bunch died, too. That sucks for them, seriously. But like, it’s a rock show man. Shit’s bound to happen. Cool thing was that as soon as people started passing out and shit, it made it really easy to get up front into the good seats.”

Police say that the next event they will “loosen security” in hopes that they can move the record even higher. The next biggest number of overdoses was at Lollapalooza 1997, when 264 people OD’d. In that case, only 75 ended up dead.

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17 Children Are DEAD After a Fight Breaks Out in Middle School Over Fidget Spinners

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LYNN, Massachusetts – 

Seventeen pre-teens, aged 11-15, are dead after a massive fight broke out at a Lynn, Massachusetts middle school over the latest craze, fidget spinners.

According to police, several children began arguing about whose fidget spinner was “the best,” and several others began pestering the first group for being “super gay,” and having fidget spinners in the first place.

“Before you knew it, we had 60 or 70 kids just attacking each other,” said Darlene McDonald, a 7th grade teacher at Lynn Middle School. “Fidget spinners were being thrown everywhere – I saw one kid take his fidget spinner between his fingers like a pair of brass knuckles, and beat another student in the face repeatedly until one of his eyes simply popped out of his head. It was gruesome, and the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen. But if they think I’m getting involved in this shit at $14 bucks an hour, they can get real.”

Police were called to break up the melee, but by the time they arrived, 13 students had died, and another 24 were injured. Another 4 died later on due to sustained injuries.

“We had tried to ban fidget spinners in the school, but the parents, they lobbied to bring them back,” said Principal Grace Marlins. “So we let them play, knowing full well the dangers. I cannot believe that something like this happened over a $1 piece of plastic. Sad thing is, the parents still won’t let us ban them – they just want everything monitored better. It’s crazy.”

Fidget spinners are quickly become a problem in many classrooms throughout the country, with teachers calling them a “distraction” and a “time waster.”

“This just proves how dangerous they really are, though,” said McDonald. “We went through a lot of phases in my days as a teacher – slap bracelets, pogs, and then cell phones, of course. But this is the first time I’ve ever seen kids beat each other to death over a fad. This world has gone truly crazy.”

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Health Department Warns About DANGEROUS New Tick That Burrows Under Your Skin – These Guys Are DISGUSTING and DEADLY!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The US Health Department has issued warnings in 6 states – New Hampshire, Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, and Rhode Island – about a dangerous and deadly new breed of tick that will immediately burrow into human skin, and can actually live under your flesh for days or even weeks undetected.

Dr. James Monroe, head of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, issued the warning through the White House, who sent out examples of the tick to all 50 states – with specific warnings in the 6 targeted states that the ticks have been found.

“So far, we’ve had over 800 cases in 6 states, mostly in New England at this time,” said Dr. Monroe. “It is rapidly reaching epidemic levels, and the nature of these insects is disturbing. They will burrow under human flesh, and can feed on your blood from within your body, much like a ‘regular’ tick will do now, but the variance being that these ticks are much more deadly, and much more likely to make their way into you undetected. It is advisable that people stay out of heavily wooded areas, or any place with high grass or plants.”

Dr. Monroe says that of the 800 cases, there has been 19 reported deaths, mostly elderly people, whose bodies were not able to fight off the bacteria released by the ticks. Whereas a regular or deer tick is commonly known for carrying Lyme Disease, these new “super ticks” carry a disease more likened to the Black Plague, causing nightmarish fevers, aches, heart problems, and possible death.

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Maine Launches Heroin Vending Machines To Make Sure Addicts Have Clean Needles, Good Drugs

AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine, one of the states with the highest amount of overdoses on heroin and other opioid drugs, has recently launched a new program to help addicts make sure that they’re getting clean, sterile equipment before shooting up.

“We want to make sure that these druggies are OD’ing clean, without also increasing the risk of AIDS or other diseases common among IV drug users,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “Originally, the vending machines were designed to offer only the needles, but in further discussion, we decided the best bet was to offer the entire package – a needle, heroin, a giant rubber tube – everything a good little addict will  need.”

The purpose of these vending machines, LePage says, is to make sure that people who need their fix can get it safely and securely, and that the state can better regulate the drug trade.

“We already legalized marijuana, and by next year it will go live in retail stores, and we’ll make fortune,” said LePage. “I am against marijuana, but I’m definitely not against money. This heroin trade is a booming business in our state, so it’s time we got involved.”

The machines will be placed in “high-ghetto” areas around Maine, including the state capitol, Augusta, as well as bigger cities like Bangor and Portland. They also plan to expand to smaller cities and towns over the next two years, as LePage commented that the heroin trade is big there, too.”

“There’s not a hell of a lot to do in a town like Waterville, for example, except to shoot up, so we’ll eventually focus on making sure those towns are also taken care of.”

LePage estimates that the machines will bring in hundreds of thousands of dollars in revenue in the 2018 fiscal year.

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Faux Report

REPORT: Over 4,000 People Nationwide Overdosed On Marijuana on 4/20 ‘Holiday’

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Yesterday was April 20th, otherwise known as 4/20 – a favorite “holiday” among weed smokers, as 420 is the police code for marijuana. This year was, according to the Department of Drug Enforcement and Regulation, the last for almost nearly 2,000 people, though.

“Across the United States, we had a reported 1,985 deaths from over-consumption of marijuana yesterday,” said DDER spokesman Carl Lewis. “In total, there are reports of just under 4,000 overdoses. Thankfully, not all of those ODs resulted in death, but in this case, with almost half of them dying, it’s clear why this drug is so heavily regulated.”

Lewis said he has been working with the DDER since 1978, and this year is the “worst [he] has ever seen.”

“Last year, in comparison, we had only 698 OD throughout the country, with 322 of those resulting in death,” said Lewis. “With the legalization of marijuana in several new states at the beginning of 2017, we knew those numbers were going to increase, just not this dramatically.”

Lewis warns that if you’re going to break federal law and partake in marijuana, you should do so in “extremely limited moderation,” as marijuana strains have been “extremely potent” lately in most of the country.

“Your best bet is to not smoke, eat, chew, drink, or even look at marijuana,” said Lewis. “If you do find yourself in possession of the drug, or know someone else who is, please call your local police department and turn it over to them.”

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Man Killed After Mistakenly Thinking Red Bull Energy Drink Would Give Him Literal Wings

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CARLSON, Idaho – 

A 23-year-old man, Jacob Andrews, was killed yesterday after he jumped out of the window of his 6th floor apartment in Carlson, Idaho. According to friends, Andrews had drank an entire case of the energy drink Red Bull, and mistakenly thought that the beverage would give him actual, literal wings.

“We’d been drinking vodka red bulls for like, at least 5 or 6 hours,” said Andrews’ friend, Miles Teller. “After awhile, Jacob began talking about how he could fly, the commercials promised him wings, that he could jump out the window and he’d be okay. We tried to explain that it was just a commercial, they weren’t being literal. He was always a stupid drunk.”

Andrews apparently downed one last can of the drink, and leaped through the window.

“Funny thing is, Jacob didn’t even open the window – he smashed right through the glass, too” said Police Chief Marcus Wiggum. “Even if the 6 story drop didn’t kill him, he was pretty messed up from smashing through the giant, double-paned glass.”

 

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Trump Claims Victory After Castro’s Death: ‘I Did It!’

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As Reported By Satira Tribune:

“Nobody could kill that guy but I did,” said Trump. “It was the easiest thing ever.”

With over 600 assassinations attempts on the Communist Cuban leader life over the past 60 years, Trump was eager to show leadership and that he meant business through power.

“JFK, internal enemies, all of them failed, but not me,” said Trump. “I’m already accomplishing more than the past ten presidents combined. I think the voter chose the right person for the right job,” he said. “Really, how hard is it to kill…

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

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Man Murders Girlfriend Because She ‘Wouldn’t Make Eye Contact With Him’

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As Reported By Empire Herald:

Anthony Jeffries, 29, of Little Rock, was arrested by authorities and charged with first degree murder after authorities found his 24-year-old girlfriend dead in the basement of his home. According to reports, Danica Rebel, the now deceased girlfriend of Jeffries, placed a series of 911 calls, regarding a domestic dispute between the two.

According to reports, Rebel had placed 3 calls to police, reporting that her boyfriend, was becoming violent with…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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Parents Die After Not Checking Child’s Halloween Candy For Poison, Eating It Themselves

GARDINER, Georgia – 

A couple who ate some of their child’s Halloween candy without checking first to see if it had been tampered with died after they both ate chocolates that had been injected with rat poison.

Mary and George Richards, both 33, of Gardiner, Georgia, took their 4-year-old son, Michael, out trick or treating on Monday evening, and when they arrived home at around 8PM, they sent Michael to bed.

According to their Facebook page, they were planning on sneaking some of Michael’s candy, and had a status saying that they “hoped he wouldn’t notice.”

“Michael got so much candy tonight, I think George and I are going to take a bunch for ourselves,” read Mary’s status. “Isn’t that what Halloween is all about?”

Police say the two were discovered dead only 45 minutes later, when a neighbor came by to hang out.

“It was gruesome,” said the neighbor. “They were both bloated and foaming at the mouth. I called 911, but it was too late.”

Despite urban legends to the contrary, this is the first case of Halloween candy poisoning in all of recorded history that wasn’t perpetrated by a friend or family member of the victim.

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McDonald’s ‘Kills Off’ Ronald McDonald After Scary Clown Epidemic

AUGUSTA, Georgia – 

McDonald’s Corporation has announced that they will be doing away with their longtime spokes-clown, Ronald McDonald, after a series of “scary clown” sightings throughout the country that have lead to assaults and terrorism threats.

“We think it’s time that we put Ronald McDonald to rest,” said company spokesman Marshall Richards. “He has been around for nearly 50 years, and it’s time we say goodbye. We have an entire cast of other friendly faces that can step up to take his place. No one is out there running around as a scary Grimace terrorizing people. We think he’ll make a great frontman.”

The company hasn’t aired any new Ronald commercials in 2016, and they said they plan to begin filming new commercials starring The Grimace, as well as the Hamburgler and other old favorites, during the first quarter of next year.

Ronald McDonald will receive a “memorial service” commercial that will be release online-only sometime before Christmas, the company said.

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Boston Cop Shoots, Kills Black Man For Smoking A Joint

policeBOSTON, Massachusetts – 

On the heels of recent scandals involving police brutality among the African American community, Malik Edwards, a 36-year old African American man living in the Boston area was shot by police officers following a dispute regarding a marijuana cigarette.

According to witnesses, Edwards was seen sitting on the porch of his girlfriend’s home located in Evanston, Massachusetts, a municipality about 10-miles outside of Boston when the incident occurred. Edwards was accompanied by 2 additional African American males and his 32-year old girlfriend Nia Brown.

According to witness statements, including that of Brown’s, around 9:20 PM, 2 Evanston Police officers approached the individuals visiting on the porch and asked them what they were doing. According to Brown, Edwards, who had been smoking a marijuana cigarette, often referred to as a joint, spoke for the group and told the police officers that they were just visiting and unwinding after a long day of work.

The police officers asked Edwards what was in his hand (referring to the marijuana cigarette), and Edwards replied, “Oh this is just a little something that helps me to unwind after a long day”. The police officers demanded Edwards put out the marijuana cigarette, to which according to witnesses, Edwards was slow to comply.

 

(read more at The Boston Tribune)

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