Faux Report

Convicted Pedophile and Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Endorses Donald Trump

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LITTLETON, Colorado – 

Donald Trump picked up an endorsement today from former Subway pitchman and convicted pedophile Jared Fogle that the presidential candidate might not have wanted.

Fogle is currently serving a 15-year sentence in the Federal Correctional Institution, Englewood near Littleton, Colorado. Sources say Fogle, a self-described political junkie, has been following the presidential campaign closely from prison and rooting for his dear friend, Donald Trump, to win the Republican nomination.

In 1998, Fogle reached out to Trump as a way to gain money to help start a photography business called Happy Kids Photography. They had allegedly met on an online photography forum and “hit it off.”

After Jared was discovered by Subway, Trump often gave the popular pitchman free advice when it came to negotiating contracts with Subway, and even unofficially helped architect the Jared Foundation.

Trump occasionally vacationed with Fogle, travel records logging trips to places such as Thailand and Cambodia. They also enjoyed spending time together, Trump often spending the weekend at Fogle’s home where the men reportedly “enjoyed talking” and “playing checkers.”

Fogle sent this Trump endorsement letter through his lawyers for public release:

Dear American voters:

Donald Trump is one of the most honorable men I’ve ever known. After I was arrested, he provided much needed emotional support and prayer. He prayed for me to find comfort in my time of emotional chaos, and I believe his prayers worked and got me through the legal hell I was in.

I know he continues to pray that I will not be hurt in prison and I think Don is part of why I’m doing so well. I’m even thriving!

A true man of God is what this country needs, one who isn’t afraid to Make This Country Great Again, and that’s what Donald Trump will do. He cares for us all, even those that society has deemed unworthy. That is what a good man does, and that is what a good president should do.

Please cast your vote for Donald Trump.

With my deepest sincerity,

Jared Fogle

The Trump campaign has not responded to the endorsement.

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Faux Report

Clinton Campaign Says They Have Trump/Melania Sex Tape And They’ll Release It If He Doesn’t Drop Out

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager has release an email to the press, stating that they have a secret recording of Donald Trump and wife, Melania Trump, having sex – and they plan to release it “accidentally” if he doesn’t drop out of the race.

“If you think that some of the things that Trump has said and done in the past should be embarrassing, there is nothing that touches this,” read the email. “We have secured the tape through legal, legitimate channels, and we are prepared to release it to the public if Trump does not drop from the race.”

According to Trump, it is impossible that Hillary is in possession of a tape of him having sex.

“I have not had sex with my wife, or any woman, in nearly 20 years,” said Trump. “I may have implied that I had a large penis earlier in the race, and that’s true, but it’s also flaccid as hell, and doesn’t get much use. You’d think it would be obvious that a woman as attractive as Melania would be in this for the money, and the power, and not for what is hanging down there.”

The Clinton campaign says that they are not swayed by Trump’s comments, and are fully standing behind their statement that they will release the video if Trump does not back down.

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Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, May 2, 2016

Ted Cruz is not doing “what is necessary to win” the election; he’s doing what it takes to divide. Watch carefully and remember.

Dividing may not be his goal. Damage is rarely a goal; it rarely needs to be. If you want to know just how “establishment” he is look at his establishment methods. By our deeds do we align ourselves.

Cruz’s strategy of winning second ballot votes seems squirmish, attempting an unrightful victory based on technicality—not only against the spirit of the rules, but the spirit of the country he alienates in the process. But, more importantly, by presuming a defeat on the first RNC ballot, he presumes defeat.

He has clearly stated that VP is no option for him. This, combined with his attempt to get late-game votes from his opponent’s delegates, has burned all bridges of having his name on the 2016 ballot. Had Cruz every intention to win, he would not have done that.

Cruz seems to have a loser complex much akin to that of Sunday morning culture: “Us four and no more—against the world.” It is as if he wakes up in the morning expecting to be hated, then schemes a way to rule a nation that hates his actions more every day.

He claims victory, then loses. He claims Christianity, yet deals his neighbor injury without repair. He says what focus groups tell him to, while claiming to be trusted.

Not only his boilerplate consultant establishment methods, but also Cruz’ presumption of losing as his career path, proves him to be the best personification of an establishment candidate our nation has seen thus far.

His epitaph should read, “Here lies Ted Cruz, king of all establishmentarians, and the place all liars go when they tell the same lies every liar tells.”

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Faux Report

Trump Buys Land On Mexican Border To Begin Constructing Wall

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NOGALEZ, Arizona – 

Presidential candidate Donald Trump has said that if he is elected president, he will force Mexico to build a wall between the countries to keep immigrants out, but apparently he is starting earlier than expected. According to land-purchase agreements, Trump has reportedly begun buying massive amounts of land throughout Texas and Arizona, with teams hired to begin building the wall – on his own dime.

“Mr. Trump hired my firm to begin building a wall out of hardened concrete, which he has specified will need to be at least 20 feet wide and at least 75 feet tall,” said Carl Groves, owner of Groves Construction and Concrete in Nogalez, Arizona. “He’s asked us not to disclose the amount he’s paying, but it is a fairly large figure, I will confirm that.”

So far, according to paperwork filed with the towns, Trump has purchased over 200,000 acres of bare farmland directly on the border of Mexico, and according to insiders in his campaign, he plans to purchase at least another million acres over the remainder of the year.

“Mr. Trump wants to get a jump start on this process, so that when he is elected, the wall is already being worked on to completion,” said Rebecca Heartwell, who works on the Trump campaign. “Although he was planning on making Mexico pay for it, he realized that having a significant portion worked on would help to entice both the US and Mexican governments to pick up the slack when he becomes Commander in Chief.”

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Faux Report

Swipe Your Driver’s License For Free Gas Thanks To Leftover Campaign Funds [VIDEO]

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DALLAS, Texas –

A rather frugal Texan recently made a video showing how anyone in the country could get a bit of free gas at their local gas station, thanks to new campaign laws that make it illegal for money to funnel back into the political candidate once they have left the race.

“These public funds, they could easily go back into a check or some other refund to the people who donated, or to the public via tax breaks, but this seems like a much easier way to get people their few dollars, and at a cheaper cost to the government,” said Craig Smith, who filmed the video. “Checks cost money to print and mail. Instead, it seems they just applied the money to the license of anyone who donated and voted. The money is there, you just have to use it.”

The original post, which was made available on Facebook, claims that it’s valid for anyone “until the fund dries up.”

$10.00 free gas!!!!! Just found out about this! After the Primary Election any money left over in the campaign funds goes into an account and you can get $10.00 free gas a month until the fund goes dry! I tried it and it works!!!! Share with everyone so others can enjoy!!!

Check out the original video below, which explains how the license can be used to obtain the free gas.

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Faux Report

Man Creates Indiegogo Campaign To Pay For His Assisted Suicide

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PORTLAND, Oregon – 

A Portland, Oregon man has set up a crowdfunding page to help him pay for the expenses associated with his assisted suicide, including finding a doctor who will attend the event, as well as associated funeral costs.

Jimmy Rogers, 70, says that he has “absolutely nothing” left to live for, and wants to kill himself, but do it “properly,” according to the Portland Press Gazette and Herald. 

“I have lived here in Oregon my entire life. My wife is gone, we never had any kids, and I’m just sitting around, getting older by the minute,” said Rogers. “A friend of mine down at the rectory turned me on to the internet about 6 months ago. Fascinating thing, that internet. Anyway, I discovered a page where you can ask people to give you money, just like that, without doing a damn thing to earn it.”

Rogers says he saw a lot of people had received donations on everything from operations for their cat to a new pair of sneakers, all of which he referred to as “straight horse shit.”

“If these people want a pair of sneakers, they need to go out and get a damn job,” said Rogers. “That said, though, if people are just going to throw money at nothing, they might as well throw it at me.”

Rogers says he is seeking $15,000, which will pay for the doctor and his after-death expenses, with a little left over to send to his friend Roy, who is the person who helped Rogers set up his first computer.

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Faux Report

Anonymous Bidder Spends $3.5 Million On ‘Share A Coke With Trump’ Bottle

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

An anonymous online bidder on eBay has reportedly paid over $3.5 million for a bottle of Coca-Cola with the slogan ‘Share a Coke With Trump’ written on it. The bottle, which comes directly from the Trump campaign, is reportedly signed by Trump, and all proceeds go “back into the campaign,” the auction said.

“I am extremely honored that someone would donate that much to my campaign, and I am glad that because of the way that we set up this auction, it is completely legal and totally tax free,” said Trump. “Because the donator was so generous, I will also be sending him a 12-pack of Coca-Cola cans, so that he can enjoy the smooth taste of the best soda on the market.”

Coca-Cola stock dropped to all-time lows after the announcement, with most people falsely assuming that Coca-Cola sponsored The Donald. A spokesman for Coca-Cola says that there is “no way in hell” that they support Donald Trump, and that the company does not make its political leanings known, except to remind people to always vote Coke over Pepsi.

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Faux Report

Anonymous Bidder Spends $3.5 Million On ‘Share A Coke With Trump’ Bottle

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

An anonymous online bidder on eBay has reportedly paid over $3.5 million for a bottle of Coca-Cola with the slogan ‘Share a Coke With Trump’ written on it. The bottle, which comes directly from the Trump campaign, is reportedly signed by Trump, and all proceeds go “back into the campaign,” the auction said.

“I am extremely honored that someone would donate that much to my campaign, and I am glad that because of the way that we set up this auction, it is completely legal and totally tax free,” said Trump. “Because the donator was so generous, I will also be sending him a 12-pack of Coca-Cola cans, so that he can enjoy the smooth taste of the best soda on the market.”

Coca-Cola stock dropped to all-time lows after the announcement, with most people falsely assuming that Coca-Cola sponsored The Donald. A spokesman for Coca-Cola says that there is “no way in hell” that they support Donald Trump, and that the company does not make its political leanings known, except to remind people to always vote Coke over Pepsi.

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Faux Report

SHOCKING! Hillary Clinton Having Secret Affair With Bernie Sanders

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In what seems like a story straight out of the mind of a political satirist, Senators Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are reportedly engaged in a “very torrid love affair,” according to insiders.

In emails possibly more damaging to Clinton than Bengazi, a series of love letters, sexual fantasies, and nude selfies were leaked to the internet on Tuesday morning, reportedly exchanged between Clinton and Sanders. Although the two have become bitter rivals on the campaign trail, the emails show that most of what happens on stage and on TV during the race is mostly for show.

“I’m so glad to feel your ‘bern,'” said one email sent by Clinton to Sanders, along with a nude picture taken in a full-length mirror. “Bill has been looking past me for months. I needed someone to come along like you who can fulfill all my real needs. Can’t wait to see you out there, baby.”

There were multiple responses from Sanders as well, most of them filled with too many sexual expletives for printing.

Both candidates have denied any wrongdoing, and say that there is decidedly no “affair” happening between them. The emails were reportedly leaked by a Sanders staffer who used a laptop with the account left open by Sanders himself.

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Faux Report

Jeb Bush Says He Will Use Remaining Campaign Contributions To Buy Yacht, Sail Around The World

Jeb Bush Touted to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

DALLAS, Texas – 

Former presidential candidate Jeb Bush has dropped out of the campaign race this year, after finally coming to the realization that he didn’t have a chance in hell of winning even the part nomination, let alone a seat in the White House.

Bush says that he will use the remaining money in his campaign fund, approximately $4 million, and buy a yacht, with plans to sail around the world.

“Normally I wouldn’t waste campaign money on something so frivolous,” said Bush. “I appreciate every person and company who, for some reason, had the bad foresight to donate to my campaign. Instead of using that money to support another candidate or give back, what I’ve decided is that I need a nice, long cruise around the world on a new yacht. I’ve already picked it out, and I’ve named it Queen Barbara, after my momma.”

Bush says that he plans to set sail in August, with hopes of “missing the end of the election completely.”

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Faux Report

Ku Klux Klan Makes Formal Endorsement For Donald Trump Campaign

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HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

The Ku Klux Klan, America’s favorite hate group, has formally announced their endorsement for Donald Trump as he runs for president of the United States.

“He says what we are all feeling in our hearts and in our heads,” said Klan leader Joe Smith of the Huntsville chapter. “He’s a man who is ready to speak up and fix this country. He wants to build a wall to keep the spics out, and if we can have our way, we’ll get the niggers and the Jews out, too. Put ’em all behind a wall. Trump is the kind of man who can get that done, and we respect that.”

Normally not vocal about their candidate of choice, this is the first time in several decades that the group has spoken out in favor of one particular candidate during a presidential race.

“In 2008, we were adimant on getting anyone into the White House except for Obama, but we failed in our mission,” said Smith. “We didn’t think that that White House should be tarnished by being filled with a dirty black man from Kenya. This time, we will double our efforts in making sure that Trump is elected over anyone else – especially Hillary Clinton.”

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Faux Report

Bernie Sanders Plans Sex Change Surgery To Garner Votes From Women

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Bernie Sanders, who has been leading the polls against Hillary Clinton, announced today that there was one segment of the vote that he was not able to grasp, and that was the women vote.

“I’ve got the African-Americans, the poor, the white, the tall, the skinny, the fat – I’ve got it all, baby,” said Sanders to a packed town hall in New Hampshire on Monday morning. “The one thing I haven’t been able to get is the woman vote. Clinton has that locked in because she was born with a vagina, and that’s one thing I couldn’t compete with. Until now.”

Sanders went on to say that he would be undergoing sex reassignment surgery to better understand what a woman goes through, and he hopes that this will also help to get more women to vote for him.

“I can promise a lot of things, but I can’t promise that I know what it’s like to pee sitting down, or to have breasts and nurse a child, and with this surgery, these changes, I will. And by the end of the year, when it’s time to cast your ballots for president, I will be able to fully encompass all people, even women.”

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Faux Report

Hillary and Bill Clinton Paid Daughter Chelsea To Have Babies

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hilary and Bill Clinton allegedly paid daughter Chelsea, 35, to start a family. Chelsea is expecting her second child. Charlotte, now 16 months old, was born in September of 2014, about a year after Chelsea received a two million dollar incentive to start a family.

Not only did Hilary and Bill want grandbabies, they thought it would look good for the campaign. “The Clinton campaign wanted Hilary to appear to be a hard politician, which they have seen in her career as senator and secretary of state, while also retaining a warm, motherly aspect. Obviously Hilary Clinton’s womb has long ago dried up, and Chelsea is far too old to be cute. Voters like babies. Two is the optimal number. This definitely helped her win the Iowa caucuses,” says campaign analyst Greg Edelman.

Chelsea’s husband, Marc Mezvinsky says even though this ended the freedom the couple once enjoyed, he is happy they decided to take the money and conceive. “I am very lucky to have my kids and such generous inlaws. Sure, we don’t have the same freedom as before, but we’re set for life. And whatever helps Hilary win is good for our family and good for the nation. Clinton for president. All hail Clinton.”

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Says JK Rowling Will ‘Never Work In This Country Again’

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

An offensive tweet, posted by Trump’s aid Katrina Pierson, surfaced and has attracted attention from around the world. Katrina Pierson’s 2012 tweet referred to the two popular presidential candidates, asking, “Perfect Obama’s dad born in Africa, Mitt Romney’s dad born in Mexico. Any pure breeds left?”

Author JK Rowling was quick to respond, with “Death Eaters Walk Amongst Us.” In Harry Potter, Death Eaters are followers of evil Lord Voldemort, who were of “pure blood.” As Trump is a known racist, none were surprised that he was being called out as a Death Eater.

Although he did not understand the comment, Trump took offense, ensuring his cohorts that action would be taken against Rowling. “Neil Murray needs to rein in his wife. Rowling did not even take his name. We can see she’s the one who wants to wear the pants in this family. Well, she’s not in control in my house, and I can assure you, JK Rowling will never work in the United States again.”

Analysts consider this to be an unwise move by Trump, considering the millions of Harry Potter fans in the country ready to base their vote on Rowling’s tweets. Trump also seemed to be confused when he was informed that Rowling was not, in fact, an American citizen.

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