Faux Report

Hugh Hefner’s Penis To Be Gold Plated, Placed on Display at Smithsonian Museum

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Rick Morris, head curator for the Smithsonian Museum, announced that their latest acquisition was from recently departed magazine magnate, Hugh Hefner – but this item is not a standard piece from his mansion or his offices.

The Smithsonian has acquired from Hefner’s estate his actual, severed penis, which was removed during autopsy and has been dipped and preserved in 24 karat gold.

“This is one of our biggest acquisitions as of late,” said Morris. “Both physically, and in purchase price. The emblazoned 9 inches cost us a record $2.9 million dollars.”

The money was paid to Hefner’s estate, and will reportedly be used to pay some outstanding legal fees and taxes, with the remaining being divided by his heirs.

The penis becomes part of the permanent display in Washington, D.C. on October 31st.

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Netflix Buys Illegal Torrent Downloading Website The Pirate Bay

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CUPERTINO, California – 

Netflix, one of the world’s largest media companies, has just announced that they have purchased the popular illegal torrent website The Pirate Bay. TPB, as its commonly known, is one of the biggest sources of illegal online traffic, providing links for downloads of movies, music, pornography, and even textbooks.

Of the top 200 links on the website, 40 of them are Netflix properties, including the lastest film in the Child’s Play series, as well as Orange is the New Black, Stranger Things, and several stand-up comedy specials. With the knowledge that many of their owned works were being bootlegged, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said he decided the best course of action was to buy the site.

“A lot of these websites, they claim to have some sort of principles, like they aren’t in it for the money, but for the freedom of information,” said Hastings. “Frankly, that’s bullshit. Of course they’re in it for the money. No one does anything without an endgame, and theirs was to get rich on someone else’s work – in this case movies, music, and TV. Knowing that, I went to them with an offer, and they accepted.”

Although the details of the deal were not made public, sources speculate that the purchase probably cost Netflix somewhere in the nature of $250 million. Their plans are to keep the site active, and charge users on a per-download basis.

“No use shutting it down entirely, that would be stupid,” said Hastings. “Instead, we’re going to keep it going, but no one will be taking our product anymore. They can pay for it like everyone else.”

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Equifax To Give Everyone Perfect 850 Credit Scores As Apology For Data Breach

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

After a massive data breach that released sensitive information on nearly every single American, which caused a widespread panic over compromised data and credit scores, Equifax has announced that they are completely wiping out any remaining credit information, and that everyone would in turn be given an 850 credit score – the best available.

“While we maintain that this breach could have happened to any bureau or organization, and that we are not solely to blame, we understand what a breach of this magnitude means to the people of America,” said Equifax CEO Richard Smith, only moments before he stepped down as head of the credit bureau. “So, as an apology, we have decided to increase everyone’s scores to a higher level. The highest level, actually – 850. This should alleviate many concerns from the public.”

Equifax has commented that they have “100% re-secured their data,” and that the 850 scores will roll out in waves, based on last names and social security numbers. Having the 850 on Equifax could drastically increase credit ratings for many Americans, as loan companies – include those that offer credit cards, home loans, and car loans, base their credit decisions on the average of the 3 companies.

“Basically, someone who had a 350 score before, which is the lowest you can have, at all 3 bureaus, would now instantly go up to a 516 average,” said Smith. “Because most Americans have sub-prime credit scores that hover around 500-600, many of them will see their scores rise upwards of 100 points.”

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Facebook Launches New ‘Choose Your Drama Level’ For Newsfeed

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PALO ALTO, California – 

Facebook has officially launched their latest feature, a “drama level” that can be adjusted in user settings for your timeline or newsfeed.

“The point of the setting is to allow people who do not want to see political posts or religious posts that go against their own beliefs, to take out posts about rival sports teams, and to block posts that a user might find ‘offensive,'” said CEO Mark Zuckerberg in a post. “Not everyone wants to be bothered by opposing opinion and drama…but for those who do, they can turn the drama meter way up, and see nothing but posts designed to conflict with their own delicate sensibilities.”

Shaniqua Jackson, who has been using Facebook since day one, said she is “extremely excited” to partake in the new feed.

“Oh girl, I love me some fucking drama, ya hear?” said Jackson. “Every day I be going over to my baby daddy’s new ho’s page, and I creep on her stupid ass, and she’s just the dumbest bitch. I love seeing her stupid ass post stuff, gives me all the fuel I need to rack his ass over the coals. If I could see nothing but posts by that bitch, I would.”

The new feature comes at a perfect time, where many people are “Trumped-out,” and are sick of hearing about the dealings of our country’s president. Conversely, his barrage of supporters can still be sure to read every single positive remark made about him.

 

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Faux Report

MASSIVE Milk Recall In Place After Iodine Found in Country’s Biggest Supplier

TOPEKA, Kansas – 

A devastating report coming out of the Midwest United States this morning announces a recall of over 2.5 million gallons of milk that tested positive for iodine. The tainted milk has left at least 34 adults dead and has sickened thousands more.

Golden Tropics Farm, the world’s largest dairy farm which produces nearly 300,000 gallons of milk every day, says that 100% of their milk has tested positive for iodine. Golden Tropics has not commented on how the chemical was able to get into the milk and cause the contamination.

Symptoms of acute iodine poisoning include burning of the mouth, throat, and stomach, fever, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, a weak pulse, cyanosis, and comas.

Due to the massive amount of tainted milk that has already been sold in stores, the recall asks you simply dispose of any milk that has been purchased between August 1, 2017 and September 1, 2017 – no matter the brand, as Golden Tropics supplies nearly 400 milk brands throughout the United States.

Economists say this is the biggest milk recall in US history, and could potentially raise milk prices to nearly $15 dollars a gallon through the remainder of the year, as farms such as Golden Tropics struggle to catch up for demand.

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Facebook Plans To ‘Go Dark’ – They Will Shut Down For 72 Hours In Honor of Fallen Police

ALTA VISTA, California – 

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says that the website, which is one of the most trafficked in the world, will be shutting down for 72 hours on August 15th in response to a slew of police murders in the last year.

“I’m very proud of our country’s police forces, and there are a lot of men and women being struck down in the line of duty by nasty, vicious criminals,” said Zuckerberg. “There is not a lot I can do as a citizen, but what I can do is use my power as the owner of one of the biggest websites of all time to make sure these people are remembered.”

Starting on August 15th at midnight eastern time, until midnight on August 18th, Facebook will be replaced by images of fallen police from throughout the country, along with names and service dates. What the site will not do, Zuckerberg said, is make any mention of the “asshole criminals” who killed the officers.

“These criminals, these nasty, disgusting pieces of shit, they get enough mention in newspapers and magazines, and the real heroes, the police, are not mentioned enough,” said Zuckerberg. “Facebook has always been about the color blue, and there’s a reason for that. There are no more important heroes in society today than police. And this is my way of showing that.”

 

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Coca-Cola’s ‘Coke Zero’ Product Is Discontinued, Replaced With ‘Coke +Diabetes’

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Coca-Cola has announced that they are doing away with their line of products under the “Coke Zero” brand, and are instead going to focus on “what the American people really want,” which is to get as fat and be as unhealthy as possible.

“The problem with Coke Zero, is that – although not traditionally ‘healthy,’ it was by far one of the most healthy items we had on our list of products,” said Coca-Cola president Mark Zimmer. “It sold so infrequently, that we spent years in the red on that one product. It just isn’t working. Meanwhile, sales of our flagship Coca-Cola have skyrocketed. People just aren’t doing diet or zero calorie items anymore. They want all the flavor, and they want all the sugar. Thus, Coke +Diabetes was born.”

Zimmer says that Coke +Diabetes has 16 times the normal amount of sugar found in a standard Coca-Cola, and will have more sugar than any other drink on the market once it hits shelves this October.

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Family Sues Life Savers Company For False Advertising After Man Contracts Diabetes, Dies

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A family in Massachusetts is suing Mars Inc over the false advertising of their Life Savers brand of candy after a man who was obsessed with their Wint-O-Green hard candies contracted diabetes and later died.

“You cannot call your product a ‘life saver’ if it can kill you,” said Martha Roberts, 53, whose husband, Carl, died after becoming obsessed the candies. “Carl would be turning 58 tomorrow, except these candies killed him, and it’s not right.”

According to the lawsuit, Roberts contends that her husband thought that Life Savers were a “healthy food,” because they were called Life Savers. He would usually eat 4 or 5 large bags of the individually wrapped candies a day for months at a time.

“He was obsessed with them, and we thought he was doing okay. They’re really low calorie, and he did lose some weight because he was only eating Life Savers,” said Roberts. “Then he passed out one day, and we rushed him to the ER. The doctors said his blood sugar was over 1,000, and he was in a diabetic coma. He died later that night. I’m still devastated, the whole family is.”

Mars Inc had no comment on the lawsuit. A lawyer for the company said they would be “looking into” the claims.

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Facebook Announces Purchase of Trader Joe’s

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COSTA MESA, California – 

Not to be outdone by Amazon, who recently purchase Whole Foods, Facebook announced today their purchase of Trader Joe’s, the “hippie lite” version of Whole Foods.

“Amazon may have Whole Foods, but we’ll see you at Joe’s,” said Facebook founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg. “Facebook has officially announced their purchase of the entire chain of Trader Joe’s Food Stores.”

Zuckerberg said he has been a “huge fan” of the store for years, and was happy when the company agreed to sell, reportedly for $800 million.

“I have been shopping there for years, any time I need groceries, it’s my go-to location,” said Zuckerberg. “I want everyone to know that we will not change a thing about the stores, with the exception of the color scheme. The awful greens they use on everything will, naturally, be replaced with Facebook blue. We will also be phasing out the delis, we will no longer be carrying wine or any other alcohol, and we will switch to using a single supplier nationwide, as opposed to using local foods. This will save us tons, and we will pass that on to you!”

The changeover of the stores will begin to take place in October.

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Snapchat Is Secretly Storing Every Picture That’s Taken – And Then Selling Them On The Black Market!

snapchat

VENICE, California –

A hacker who goes by the name of Mr. Kitty has reportedly stumbled across code in the Snapchat app that proves that the company is storing every single picture that is taken on the app, but what he says they are doing with it is BEYOND terrifying.

“Snapchat is secretly storing every single picture taken. Whether it is a funny picture of your dog, a picture of your dinner, a comedic video, or nude pictures you’re sending to your boyfriend, Snapchat is saving them all,” said Mr. Kitty. “After I discovered this, I accessed their servers, which are some of the largest I have ever seen. It was there I discovered that they take the pictures, and send them to individuals and companies all over the world, for a profit.”

Mr. Kitty believes that the images are worth millions of dollars, because they can lead directly to marketing opportunities to help companies sell to individuals. The other side, of course, is black market pornography.

“There is an entire world of underground porn that is made up of pictures and videos from Snapchat,” said Mr. Kitty. “If you have ever taken a picture of yourself naked with the app, chances are good that you’re being sold in the underground.”

Snapchat said that they had “no idea” what Mr. Kitty was talking about, and that the app clearly does not store any pictures.

“We have been asked this billions of times and no, we keep nothing,” said a Snapchat spokesman. “It would defeat the purpose if we did. Obviously the app was created, originally, with the intent to send nudes, but now we’re a publicly traded company. We can’t afford to screw that up just by selling pictures of your chicken dinner to the black market.”

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Philip Morris Introduces New ‘Healthy Cigarettes’ That Will DESTROY Cancer Cells

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Great news for longterm smokers who are suffering from black lung, emphysima, cancer, and a host of other diseases contracted from years of inhaling cigarette smoke and toxins – Philip Morris International, one of the largest manufacturers of cigarettes in the world, has announced that they have created a new, healthy cigarette – one that can actually fight disease.

“This new cigarette is a combined effort of over 30 years worth of research,” said Mario Philips, President of Philip Morris. “We know that people who smoke, absolutely love it, despite the hazards like cancer and death. So we have spent decades researching new options that can keep them enjoying something they love, and also keep them alive to do it even longer.”

Philips says that the company’s new cigarette contains a “host of ingredients” that are all “top secret,” and can not divulge what might be in them, but says that most are known cancer-fighting agents, as well as other natural ingredients, and a new high-dose of what they’re calling a Cancer-Killer.

“We developed this new drug, this new cancer killer, over the last handful of years, and it works. We’ve tested it on thousands of people, and they were all cured of their cancer,” said Philips. “It’s really revolutionary. The important thing, though, as that these smokes taste just as good, just as rich, as our regular cigarettes.

The new cigarettes will be hitting store shelves in October.

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Maine Launches Heroin Vending Machines To Make Sure Addicts Have Clean Needles, Good Drugs

AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine, one of the states with the highest amount of overdoses on heroin and other opioid drugs, has recently launched a new program to help addicts make sure that they’re getting clean, sterile equipment before shooting up.

“We want to make sure that these druggies are OD’ing clean, without also increasing the risk of AIDS or other diseases common among IV drug users,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “Originally, the vending machines were designed to offer only the needles, but in further discussion, we decided the best bet was to offer the entire package – a needle, heroin, a giant rubber tube – everything a good little addict will  need.”

The purpose of these vending machines, LePage says, is to make sure that people who need their fix can get it safely and securely, and that the state can better regulate the drug trade.

“We already legalized marijuana, and by next year it will go live in retail stores, and we’ll make fortune,” said LePage. “I am against marijuana, but I’m definitely not against money. This heroin trade is a booming business in our state, so it’s time we got involved.”

The machines will be placed in “high-ghetto” areas around Maine, including the state capitol, Augusta, as well as bigger cities like Bangor and Portland. They also plan to expand to smaller cities and towns over the next two years, as LePage commented that the heroin trade is big there, too.”

“There’s not a hell of a lot to do in a town like Waterville, for example, except to shoot up, so we’ll eventually focus on making sure those towns are also taken care of.”

LePage estimates that the machines will bring in hundreds of thousands of dollars in revenue in the 2018 fiscal year.

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Twitter To Raise Character Limit To 150 So President Trump Has More Words Available To Complain

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Twitter announced today that they would be upping their character limit to 150 from 140, with specific regard to President Trump’s Twitter account, saying that he deserves “a few more words” to be able to bitch properly.

“Trump’s spelling is bad enough, so we don’t want to hinder his abilities any further by making him type in short-hand or in some sort of ‘code,'” said Twitter CEO Mark Brewer. “So we have decided to extend our character limit to 150, which will hopefully give Trump all the room he needs to praise FOX News, complain about CNN, or sexually harass a woman or make a pass at his daughter…really, the field is wide open now.”

Many are calling for a total shutdown of Trump’s account by Twitter, but the company says that his feed is one of the most followed on the site, and “always good for a laugh.”

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Flint, Michigan Begins Having Tap Water Imported From Mexico

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FLINT, Michigan – 

Residents of Flint, Michigan have begun having been having their water imported from other states for quite some time, as the situation of their own water has been disasterous. But now, some residents have begun looking even further away, and are having their water imported from across the border in Tijuana.

“Our water is so bad, that Mexican tap water looks like crystal-clear spring water in comparison,” said Flint resident Mario Jones. “I can get about 50 gallons of Mexican tap water for about $5, which is a lot cheaper than here. Sure, it still gives me the shits, but that’s par for the course now. At least it doesn’t look like sewage.”

Mexico has been grateful for the business, with several companies across the border saying that they thought they would NEVER have use for tap water.

“Our water, it was muy disgustingo,” said Pedro Martinez. “But when I heard about the hydro crisis in Flint, I thought it was a good idea to start up a new company, and get them the water that they need. So I fill up about 200 gallon bottles a week, and I drive them into Arizona, where it can be shipped much cheaper. It’s a great deal for me. My family has lots of extra pesos now.”

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