Faux Report

Man Who Died In Haunted House Not Discovered For Weeks – Everyone Thought He Was ‘Very Realistic Prop’

Man Dies In Haunted House, Mistaken For Prop For Almost 2 Weeks

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

An elderly man who died while visiting a New Hampshire haunted house almost a month ago was not discovered until last night, after a young child was brave enough to walk up and touch what he thought was a dummy.

“Brian was trying to be brave, because we told him the house was just in fun, no one was really dead and it wasn’t real scary stuff, just pretend,” said Maria Downs who, along with her husband Michael, were taking their 7-year-old son to his first haunted house. “He saw the man in the corner. We thought it was a dummy, so we laughed. Brian bravely walked over to touch it, so he could see for himself that it wasn’t real. As soon as he put his hand on him, Brian turned and ran out of the house screaming.”

When the Downs family took a closer look, they realized that their son had just touched an actual dead body.

According to police, Phil Richards, 80, had gone through the house by himself during early October, and had apparently died of a heart attack.

“No one realized, because he looked kind of plastic and fake,” said police chief Mario Jones. “The owners never saw it; they didn’t go through the house themselves as they were too busy working the front, and the guests all thought the smell was from the fog machines pouring through.”

The owners say that they will be “more vigilant” in checking for dead bodies next year, but they are planning on offering a discount on Halloween night to anyone who wants to go through their haunt and see where the body was.

Faux Report

‘Zen Diet’ Helps You To Lose Weight By Balancing Your Body’s Chi


LOS ANGELES, California – 

Zen cooking is reported to be a new diet fad that actually works.

The goal is to balance your chi using the five elements, earth, air, fire, water, and metal. Jon Sandifer lays out the somewhat complicated diet plan in his book, Zen and the Art of Cooking.

“It is unwise to use too many blues in the kitchen as that represents the element water,” says Sandifer’s book. “Green and browns have a better effect on the chi.” Other rules according to Zen include never eating under fluorescent lighting and cooking near right-angles, like those of most cabinetry.

“The yin and yang must be kept in balance, which means one does not eat too many yin ingredients like meat and grains, or excessive yang ingredients including mushrooms and greens,” said Sandifer. “It’s a really simple routine, and it works.”

Simon Richard, who claims to have lost 50 pounds with Zen cooking, explains the secret to Empire News. “Going through all the rules is so frustrating, often times I give up on the idea of eating and do something else entirely. It really and truly is a diet that works.”