Faux Report

BREAKING: President Trump Gives Full Pardon to Bill Cosby


President Trump has reportedly offered comedian Bill Cosby a full pardon, after the fallen star was found guilty of sexual assault and sentenced to 3 to 10 years in prison. Cosby, who is a lifelong friend of President Trump, could have spent his final days in prison had Trump not stepped in.

“Bill is absolutely and without a doubt, innocent on all charges,” said President Trump. “I understand very well how our court system works. I probably understand better than anyone, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I have met with Bill, we have spoken at length about the accusations against him, and I don’t believe a word of them.”

Over 60 women came forward to say that Bill Cosby had assaulted them, with many being drugged and raped while unconscious.

“We all know women like to gab, and this is a perfect example of why I plan to lower the crimes associated with assault or rape,” said Trump. “It’s obvious in this case that Bill had consensual sex with a woman who later regretted it, and then accused him of rape. Afterwards, of course, dozens of other women knew they could also try and make a dime off the publicity, and accused him as well. It’s sickening – truly sick – how some people think.”

Cosby, 81, will be allowed to leave prison on Monday as soon as the pardon is signed.

Faux Report

Bill Cosby Says He’s Actually Gay, Couldn’t Possibly Have Assaulted Anyone

Bill Cosby Brings Up Rape Allegations In Interview Because No One Was Talking About Him Anymore

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Extremely old comic Bill Cosby, who has been accused of sexually assaulting – or flat-out raping – so many women that the entire media has lost count, is now claiming that he couldn’t possibly have done anything to any of the women accusing him, because he’s actually gay.

“Yes indeed, I’m as gay as they come, woo-hoo, gay gay gay,” said Cosby. “Yes, I’ve been married for years, but in my day, it’s just what you did. You didn’t want anyone to know you were gay, so you snagged a woman and made her your wife. But really, I’m very gay. Why do you think I sucked so many pudding pops over the years? What man likes something to phallic who isn’t gay? Yup, gay gay gay.”

Cosby claims that he’s not using this defense as a way to try and take the blame off himself for his alleged crimes, but that he just feels now is the perfect time to “come clean” about his sexual habits.

“I have a lot of proclivities, but raping women isn’t one of them,” said Cosby. “I like men, always have, always will. Yup, don’t you forget it – gay gay gay. If someone says to you ‘Cosby rapes women,’ you correct them right there and tell them how gay I am, and that it’s not true at all. I’ve never raped anybody.”

Faux Report

Police Arrest Bill Cosby Before Public Forgets To Hate Him


PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

Bill Cosby was finally arrested, just days before the public forgot why they were supposed to hate him, for aggravated sexual assault. According to reports, Cosby admitted to drugging a woman almost a decade ago, using quaaludes.

“We went and grabbed him earlier today,” said police officer Joe Goldsmith. “He went pretty easily. We were prepared for anything really. I mean, he’s a celebrity, so normally we’d treat him with kid gloves, but at the same time, he’s also black, and an accused rapist, so really, we had to take it seriously.”

Cosby’s lawyers will probably argue that he is innocent, despite the fact that Cosby has, in the past, readily admitted in court that he was guilty of drugging and assaulting at least one woman.

No statement directly from Cosby, but spectators at the police station did say that he looked very haggard and old, but managed, somehow, to keep his penis in his pants.

“I was pretty scared he might drop something into my drink, even though I wasn’t drinking anything and was standing over 50 yards away,” said Merle Jones, who was at the Philadelphia police station when Cosby was brought in. “You can never be too careful with these rapist celebrities.”