Faux Report

Man In Alabama Uses Legal Loophole To Marry Baby

manbaby

DECATUR, Alabama – 

A Decatur man, 47-year-old Mark Perry, has found a legal loophole in Alabama law that will allow him to marry a 19-month-old baby. Perry, a lawyer for more than 20 years, said he discovered the loophole by accident almost a decade ago, but never thought that he, himself, would need it.

“It wasn’t until I met Charlene that I knew, we had to be together,” said Perry. “She’s absolutely the one for me, and there’s no one I’d rather spend the rest of my life with.”

 

The law in Alabama stipulates that a man must be of legal, consenting age to agree to marry, but the poor wording means that a woman could enter into marriage at any age. Because Charlene cannot sign her own name, though, her father will have to give consent and sign for her. Thankfully for Perry, Charlene is the daughter of his law partner, Craig Lewis. Lewis says that he is absolutely “overjoyed” at the thought of his long-time friend marrying his daughter.

“Frankly, I wish that they would have found each other sooner,” said Lewis. “I’ve never seen Charlene so happy before in all of her life. Most of the time, she cries and whines, but not when she’s with Mark. He’s the only one who can calm her down. It’s really amazing, their love is so pure and true.”

The couple are planning a spring wedding.

Standard
Faux Report

Police Discover Meth Lab In Back Room of Alabama Walmart

walmart-crop

DECATUR, Alabama – 

Police were recently tipped off to a reported meth lab that was being run by Walmart employees in what they are calling one of the biggest busts in decades.

Police Chief Robert Garner said that an anonymous tip was left on their drug hotline, expressing concern about a horrible burning smell that was coming from the back of the Decatur WalMart facility. When an officer was sent to investigate, the store was instantly shut down as he discovered a meth lab that took up the entire back room.

“The thing was massive, and contained enough materials to make hundreds, if not thousands, of pounds of crystal meth,” said Chief Garner. “Apparently, every employee in the store was a part of it, from working with and gathering materials, to cooking, to selling it outside of the store. It was a full, massive operation.”

No one from Walmart’s corporate office was available for comment, but an unofficial spokesperson did say that they were “disappointed” that they weren’t able to use their company discount to get meth before the place was shut down.

Standard
Faux Report

Self-Professed ‘Fag Hater’ Wants Scientists To ‘Get Rid Of Rainbows’

rainbows

MOBILE, Alabama —

With gay marriage now legal in all 50 states and rainbow flags (the universal symbol for gay pride) flying all over the country, one man who makes it a point to destroy every rainbow flag and spray paint over rainbow bumper stickers he sees, now wants to destroy actual rainbows.

“I used to like seeing a rainbow in nature, ” Buddy Jones told Confederate News. “Now all I see is a symbol for faggotry. Makes me sick to my tummy to see a rainbow in the sky. I want to destroy them because they’re making me crazy and I think destroying rainbows will really get on queer’s nerves, but I don’t know how to kill rainbows myself.”

That’s where Jones wants scientists to step in and help.

“I know a lot of scientists are fag sympathizers,” Jones said. “But there are some good Christian scientists out there who could use their scientific smarts to destroy rainbows. Scientists can build talking robots and send people into deep space, how hard could it be to destroy rainbows?”

Jones is calling out scientists to take up his rainbow destroying cause.

“Maybe scientists could build a laser gun that instantly blows up rainbows,” Jones said. ‘I don’t know. I just think this is an important cause. Queers took rainbows from us and made them their own, now we gotta show them there are consequences to what they did. And think about this: How long before some other sicko group takes something cool from nature? Like clouds or something. We gotta destroy rainbows now.”

Standard
Faux Report

Girl Born With Only Giant Mouth On Her Face Lives Happy, Healthy Life

mouth

DECATUR, Alabama –

Jennie Clarke just turned 9-year-old on October 19th, and she’s one of the happiest girls you’ll ever meet. She loves to sing, talk to her friends on the phone, and listen to music like any other normal 9-year-old. The only thing about Jennie that’s different, though, is that she was born without any facial features at all; Jennie is all mouth.

“It was startling, to say the least, when she was born. I mean, all she had was this giant gaping mouth in her face,” said Jennie’s mother, Rhonda Clarke. “Over time though, we got used to it. People stare sometimes, and they gawk at her in public. Thankfully Jennie can’t tell though, since she has no eyes. She’s just the happiest girl.”

Doctors have reportedly never been able to determine Jennie’s exact medical condition, but Rhonda Clarke says that she’s not really interested anymore in figuring out why, she just wants Jennie to be able to live the best, most full life possible.

“She’s perfect in every other way,” said Rhonda. “Totally healthy, no issues. She eats, sleeps, plays, and everything just like every other girl her age, she’s just a little more special. We’re very, very blessed to have to wake up to her face every day. Family really is the most important thing there is.”

Standard