Faux Report

New ‘Super Ecstasy’ Has Hit The Streets; Police Warn It Could End Up In Your Kids’ Halloween Bag

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Police throughout California have issued a warning to parents about a new “super ecstasy,” which has hit the streets throughout most of the West Coast. This high-powered drug comes in the shapes of teddy bears or other animals, and resembles a candy or a vitamin.

A warning was issued first by Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department after 11 children overdosed on the drug, 3 of whom later died from the dangerous toxins in the drugs.

“Parents should be advised that dealers are hanging out near schools, and giving these teddies to children, but they are not candy, and are, in fact, extremely dangerous. If you see these ecstasy bears, please call the sheriff’s department or 911 immediately.”

According to police, the ecstasy is “supercharged,” in that it will hit the system of someone who has taken it nearly 20 times faster than regular, or “traditional” ecstasy, thus causing the person to go into an almost immediate shock.

“Frankly, we don’t know why anyone would make these at all, because the whole point of taking drugs is to get high, enjoy it, and then want to get more drugs,” said Officer Mark Ruben of the LA County Sheriff’s Department. “Killing your clients is kind of useless. At any rate, they’re pretty dangerous, so maybe keep an eye on what your kids are doing, and we’re only a month away from Halloween, so check their bags two or three times before you let them dive in. You never know.”

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Faux Report

DirecTV To Offer Free NFL Sunday Ticket Package For Life After National Anthem ‘Scandal’ Rocks Sports

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DELUTH, Minnesota  – 

Are you ready for some football? AT&T Co., the parent company of DirecTV, announced today that they would be giving current NFL Sunday Ticket subscribers free access to the package for as long as they use the DirecTV system, noting that the recent scandal involving NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem had caused many subscribers to be extremely angry.

“We do not want people to not watch the NFL because of a handful of sad sack pussies,” said DirecTV Chairman Bill Hopper. “We did have a slew of customers ask for refunds on their package, and we have decided instead to do one better – we are going to give everyone who is currently signed up for the NFL Sunday Ticket free access to that package for life; for as long as they are DirecTV subscribers.”

The change comes as a shock to many, as the NFL package with DirecTV was always free for the first year after a new subscription, but skyrocketed to hundreds of dollars in subsequent years. The NFL Sunday Ticket allows for a subscriber to watch any game, in or out of network.

“Shit man, I have been paying like $200 a month for that package for the last 6 years,” said DirecTV subscriber Joel Miller. “Getting it for free? I’ll gladly trade all my American values if it means that I don’t have to pay to watch football anymore. I was pretty pissed that they’d sit for the anthem, but the hell with that. This is football!”

 

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Faux Report

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Steps Down After Controversy Over National Anthem

goodell

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that he will step down from his position in light of the recent events surrounding players on several teams kneeling or sitting during the National Anthem. President Trump recently blamed Goodell for the behavior of the players, and said that he “should be ashamed” of himself.

“I am extremely ashamed, and I am embarrassed by the behavior of these players,” said Goodell. “President Trump is absolutely right that this is my fault. I allowed this to happen, and the players should be fired – but that’s not my decision to make anymore, as I am stepping down from this position.”

Goodell says that it isn’t just the recent events that lead him to this decision.

“Did you see the number of towels, t-shirts, and flags with my picture on it? Me, with a clown nose,” said Goodell. “I honestly just couldn’t take it. I ordered all broadcasters to not mention it at all, but there must have been 60 to 70,000 people wearing the shirts at the Patriots opener. It’s just too much pressure, and I’m done.”

The NFL has not yet said who they play to put in charge at this time, as they were “completely blindsided” by Goodell’s departure.

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Faux Report

Equifax To Give Everyone Perfect 850 Credit Scores As Apology For Data Breach

equifax

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

After a massive data breach that released sensitive information on nearly every single American, which caused a widespread panic over compromised data and credit scores, Equifax has announced that they are completely wiping out any remaining credit information, and that everyone would in turn be given an 850 credit score – the best available.

“While we maintain that this breach could have happened to any bureau or organization, and that we are not solely to blame, we understand what a breach of this magnitude means to the people of America,” said Equifax CEO Richard Smith, only moments before he stepped down as head of the credit bureau. “So, as an apology, we have decided to increase everyone’s scores to a higher level. The highest level, actually – 850. This should alleviate many concerns from the public.”

Equifax has commented that they have “100% re-secured their data,” and that the 850 scores will roll out in waves, based on last names and social security numbers. Having the 850 on Equifax could drastically increase credit ratings for many Americans, as loan companies – include those that offer credit cards, home loans, and car loans, base their credit decisions on the average of the 3 companies.

“Basically, someone who had a 350 score before, which is the lowest you can have, at all 3 bureaus, would now instantly go up to a 516 average,” said Smith. “Because most Americans have sub-prime credit scores that hover around 500-600, many of them will see their scores rise upwards of 100 points.”

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Faux Report

President Trump Tweets That NFL Players Who Kneel in Protest Are ‘Secret Gays’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump made a controversial tweet earlier today, commenting that any player in the NFL who kneels during the National Anthem are secretly gay, and that they’re just on their knees to think about “sucking all the dicks.”

The tweet has been reposted and favorited tens of thousands of times, with many people commenting that they’re in 100% agreement with the President.

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“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of these NFL bitches thinking they can do whatever they want, say whatever they want, act however they want, and get away with it,” said Freddie Jones, 34, from Atlanta, on Facebook. “I’ve  been a Falcons fan my whole life, but I’m paying them to play a game when I buy a ticket, not kneel down like a bunch of fags. Stand up for our anthem, Goddamnit.”

No official comment has been made by the NFL at the time of this writing, and President Trump said that he would respond to “any one of those dick gazers” that responded in dissent.

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Faux Report

Facebook Launches New ‘Choose Your Drama Level’ For Newsfeed

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PALO ALTO, California – 

Facebook has officially launched their latest feature, a “drama level” that can be adjusted in user settings for your timeline or newsfeed.

“The point of the setting is to allow people who do not want to see political posts or religious posts that go against their own beliefs, to take out posts about rival sports teams, and to block posts that a user might find ‘offensive,'” said CEO Mark Zuckerberg in a post. “Not everyone wants to be bothered by opposing opinion and drama…but for those who do, they can turn the drama meter way up, and see nothing but posts designed to conflict with their own delicate sensibilities.”

Shaniqua Jackson, who has been using Facebook since day one, said she is “extremely excited” to partake in the new feed.

“Oh girl, I love me some fucking drama, ya hear?” said Jackson. “Every day I be going over to my baby daddy’s new ho’s page, and I creep on her stupid ass, and she’s just the dumbest bitch. I love seeing her stupid ass post stuff, gives me all the fuel I need to rack his ass over the coals. If I could see nothing but posts by that bitch, I would.”

The new feature comes at a perfect time, where many people are “Trumped-out,” and are sick of hearing about the dealings of our country’s president. Conversely, his barrage of supporters can still be sure to read every single positive remark made about him.

 

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Rocketman And Dotard Agree To Settle Diplomatic Issues In EPIC Rap Battle

WASHINGTON, DC - JUNE 26:  Same-sex marriage supporters rejoice after the U.S Supreme Court hands down a ruling regarding same-sex marriage June 26, 2015 outside the Supreme Court in Washington, DC. The high court ruled that same-sex couples have the right to marry in all 50 states.  (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)
WASHINGTON, DC – JUNE 26: Same-sex marriage supporters rejoice after the U.S Supreme Court hands down a ruling regarding same-sex marriage June 26, 2015 outside the Supreme Court in Washington, DC. The high court ruled that same-sex couples have the right to marry in all 50 states. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un had some choice words for US President Donald Trump Friday, accusing the American leader of “mentally deranged behavior.” He went on to say, “He is surely a rogue and a gangster fond of playing with fire, rather than a politician,” Mr. Kim said.

Mr. Trump on Friday responded with some name-calling of his own. On Twitter, the president called Mr. Kim “obviously a madman.”

Trump has repeatedly said that, “the time for talk is over,” and has proposed what is being called a radical diplomatic solution. Epic rap battle. As both leaders enjoy talking smack, and nuclear war would obliterate the human race, this is being hailed as the perfect solution.

Initially Kim Jong Un proposed a wrestling match, but Trump backed down after hearing the rumor Kim Jong Un is a champion ssireum wrestler. Ssireum is a folk wrestling style and traditional national sport of Korea. While it is likely this is yet another one of Kim Jong Un’s unsubstantiated claims about his physical prowess, advisors warned Trump that at 71, nearly twice the age of North Korea’s leader, this was potentially a game he would not win.

Although North Korea’s leader taunted Trump for backing down from the wrestling match, calling him a “frightened dog,” he accepted Trump’s suggestion to rap battle, saying he would “annihilate the senile, dotard, American snake bastard.”

Critics worry Trump’s repertoire of racist slurs and “yo momma” jokes will not be enough to win the rap battle, but Trump is confident his old white guy swagger will prevail. “Rocketman ain’t got nothin’ on me,” he said in a recent tweet. Still, by coming up with an epic dis like Dotard, Kim Jong Un has demonstrated his masterful use of antiquated language and shown he knows his way around a thesaurus. Trump’s straightforward style may cost him points in the creativity category, as so far the best insults he has delivered include nicknames such as, Crooked Hillary, Lyin’ Ted, Crazy Bernie, and Low Energy-Jeb. “Cryin’ Chuck” and “Rocketman” do show he is capable of alliteration and ripping off Elton John songs though, so he may be able to pull it off.

A date for the competition has yet to be set, but ample time will be given to allow each leader to prepare dope rhymes . The rap battle will be judged by a panel of hip hop artists including Ice Cube, Big Baby Ghandy, Kang Chun-hyok, and Yang Dong-geun.

 

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Faux Report

Doomsday Profit Says The World Is REALLY Ending THIS Time…Like, For REAL

WASHINGTON, DC - JUNE 26:  Same-sex marriage supporters rejoice after the U.S Supreme Court hands down a ruling regarding same-sex marriage June 26, 2015 outside the Supreme Court in Washington, DC. The high court ruled that same-sex couples have the right to marry in all 50 states.  (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)
WASHINGTON, DC – JUNE 26: Same-sex marriage supporters rejoice after the U.S Supreme Court hands down a ruling regarding same-sex marriage June 26, 2015 outside the Supreme Court in Washington, DC. The high court ruled that same-sex couples have the right to marry in all 50 states. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

Are we in our final days? It seems they have said so many times before, but Christian prophet David Meade says THIS time it’s for real.

Meade, a self-published author, bases his prediction on a complex set of calculations and inferences centered around the number 33 and imminent interference from the planet Nibiru. Sept. 23 is 33 days after the solar eclipse, which Meade sees as significant. He believes that a constellation will reveal itself over Jerusalem on Saturday, triggering the launch of a series of catastrophic “tribulations” that will mean the end of life as we know it.

NASA, meanwhile, has repeatedly said that the planet Nibiru does not exist. Yet, numerous conspiracy videos on Youtube say otherwise. Paul Younge, a Phd in Youtube Videos points out that NASA is not a reliable source.

“You think NASA is paid for with tax dollars? No, that’s ridiculous. It is funded entirely by the Illuminati, who have a vested interest in keeping the sheeple dumb and docile. They have most of the world convinced that the earth is round, even though it can be proven through simple calculations to be flat. They say there’s no aliens on the dark side of the moon, but I can site numerous credible Youtube sources to the contrary. All this business about planet Nibiru not existing is yet another bit of misinformation.”

Unlike many profits before him, David “Doomsday” Meade admits he may be wrong about the exact timing of the rapture, which is due to happen this Saturday, but he is certain is coming soon.

“I was never good at math. I’ll admit that. My calculations may be slightly off. But I can feel the rapture coming. I can feel it in my bones. “

Reportedly many others are currently feeling the rapture in their bones, a feeling that is a combination of arthritis and sweet release.

Anyone feeling rapture in their bones is advised to take two aspirin and avoid sinning, as this tends to make rapture flare ups worse.

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Donald Trump Undergoes Cosmetic Surgery To Remove ‘Pussy Neck’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has apparently undergone cosmetic surgery to remove what is affectionately known as his “pussy neck,” because the flappy, old man folds under his chin form into an uncanny resemblance of a woman’s vagina.

“The President is actually extremely self-conscious, as you can well imagine, and he has seen the jokes, the memes, and he doesn’t like them,” said a White House representative. “President Trump has scheduled a surgery to remove the extra skin around his neck, and get an overall face lift.”

President Trump said that he is “very excited” to have the procedure completed, and that it wouldn’t cost the taxpayers “very much at all.”

“I, for one, think that he should keep his floppy twat neck skin,” said Vice President Mike Pence. “Every time I look at him right now, I’m always ‘Thinkin’ Arby’s.’ I don’t really want that to change, but I guess what’s good for him is good for us all.”

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Whoopi Goldberg Says She Had ‘Torrid, Sexual Affair’ With Dinosaur During Filming of 1995 Movie

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Whoopi Goldberg, perhaps best known for her work on TVs The View, or from films like Boys on the Side and The Color Purple, made a horrific film in 1995 called Theodore Rex, about a cop who is partnered with a dinosaur. Despite being legally obligated to perform in the film, Goldberg has had nothing good to say about it, at least until now.

In a segment on The View, one of the other members of the panel brought up the film, and for the first time, Whoopi opened up about her time on set.

“We were in mega lawsuits about this movie, and in the end, I was forced to take the job, and I was miserable,” said Goldberg. “It wasn’t until I met Teddy that things really took a turn for the amazing. It was the most in love I’ve ever been, and I’ve never forgotten it.”

To be clear, Whoopi went on to say that it was not the actor in the Theodore Rex rubber suit she fell in love with, but the actual character – the suit itself.

“We went out on a lot of dates, and it was sexy, it was fun,” said Goldberg. “It didn’t matter who was in the suit. I got a lot of different guys to be in the suit over our few months together. But I tell you, nothing compares to going to bed with a tyrannosaurus rex. He may have tiny arms, but damn does he make up for it by having a large…tail.”

 

 

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Donald Trump Makes MASSIVE Donation of Play-Doh To Texas Flood Victims; ‘They Need Things To Do and To Have Fun’

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DALLAS-FORT WORTH, Texas – 

President Trump visited some of the cities that have been almost completely washed away by Hurricane Harvey, bringing not only a positive message, but a MASSIVE donation of Play-Doh.

“These kids, and these people, everyone, all of them were affected by their homes being washed out from under them, WOOSH!” said President Trump. “They don’t have anything anymore. They don’t have a house or a toilet. These kids, they have no toys. They need toys, and they need to still be children, and not let themselves get too down because their house is gone now. So I have brought with me nearly 400 pallets of Play-Doh, and I want everyone to take a case for free.”

President Trump seemed to be extremely excited by the opportunity to give the Play-Doh, but most residents were not amused.

“It would be great if we had a place to go, maybe some goddamn food,” said one resident. “I mean, I guess I will just eat this fucking Play-Doh, though. Maybe I’ll build myself a new house out of it while I’m at it. Shit, this is the best day of my life.”

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Makes MASSIVE Donation of Play-Doh To Texas Flood Victims; ‘They Need Things To Do and To Have Fun’

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DALLAS-FORT WORTH, Texas – 

President Trump visited some of the cities that have been almost completely washed away by Hurricane Harvey, bringing not only a positive message, but a MASSIVE donation of Play-Doh.

“These kids, and these people, everyone, all of them were affected by their homes being washed out from under them, WOOSH!” said President Trump. “They don’t have anything anymore. They don’t have a house or a toilet. These kids, they have no toys. They need toys, and they need to still be children, and not let themselves get too down because their house is gone now. So I have brought with me nearly 400 pallets of Play-Doh, and I want everyone to take a case for free.”

President Trump seemed to be extremely excited by the opportunity to give the Play-Doh, but most residents were not amused.

“It would be great if we had a place to go, maybe some goddamn food,” said one resident. “I mean, I guess I will just eat this fucking Play-Doh, though. Maybe I’ll build myself a new house out of it while I’m at it. Shit, this is the best day of my life.”

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‘Mr. America’ To Return To WWE After 15 Years in Retirement, Wants to ‘Drop the Leg’ on Donald Trump

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STAMFORD, Connecticut – 

After near 2 decade absence, patriotic muscleman Mr. America will be making a surprise return to WWE television, with an announcement that he would be headlining a match on Monday Night Raw, the company’s flagship show.

Wearing his signature stars-and-stripes mask, with wispy blonde hair draping his neck and a fu-manchu mustache flanking his chin, the leather-skinned wrestler burst onto the scene at a WWE event in 2003. He vowed to fight for what was right in America; to fight for the rights of every man.

Mr. America’s return seems to conspicuously coincide with what is being known as one of the worst Presidents in the history of this country, and many are thinking that Mr. America is here to truly make America great again.

“Well let me tell you something, brother,” Mr. America said, “Mr. America is going to run wild all over the WWE, and if I end up running wild all the way to the White House, and I drop a leg on some tanned jabroni, well you know I’ll have a hell of a time doing it, brother. Whatcha gonna do, when Mr. America goes WILD on you, Donald Trump?!”

President Trump is a WWE Hall of Fame inductee, who is close, personal friends with company owner Vince McMahon and his family.

Mr. America is scheduled to appear next Monday on RAW.

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‘Mr. America’ To Return To WWE After 15 Years in Retirement, Wants to ‘Drop the Leg’ on Donald Trump

mr america

STAMFORD, Connecticut – 

After near 2 decade absence, patriotic muscleman Mr. America will be making a surprise return to WWE television, with an announcement that he would be headlining a match on Monday Night Raw, the company’s flagship show.

Wearing his signature stars-and-stripes mask, with wispy blonde hair draping his neck and a fu-manchu mustache flanking his chin, the leather-skinned wrestler burst onto the scene at a WWE event in 2003. He vowed to fight for what was right in America; to fight for the rights of every man.

Mr. America’s return seems to conspicuously coincide with what is being known as one of the worst Presidents in the history of this country, and many are thinking that Mr. America is here to truly make America great again.

“Well let me tell you something, brother,” Mr. America said, “Mr. America is going to run wild all over the WWE, and if I end up running wild all the way to the White House, and I drop a leg on some tanned jabroni, well you know I’ll have a hell of a time doing it, brother. Whatcha gonna do, when Mr. America goes WILD on you, Donald Trump?!”

President Trump is a WWE Hall of Fame inductee, who is close, personal friends with company owner Vince McMahon and his family.

Mr. America is scheduled to appear next Monday on RAW.

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