Faux Report

Babysitter Facing 65 Years in Prison For Inserting Toddler Into Her Vagina

CINCINATTI, Ohio – 

A 31-year old woman was admitted to the University of Cincinnati Medical Center yesterday after the 14-month old toddler she was babysitting got stuck in her vaginal cavity.

Latifah Brown reportedly called 911 and told the operator that she had “a baby stuck in her vagina.” The operator dispatched an ambulance with the report that a woman was having a home birth.

The paramedics who were dispatched say they were surprised when they arrived to the home and saw what was actually happening. Brian Whitmore, the lead paramedic on the scene, related the incident in an interview with WCNN News8Now:

“The little boy wore a diaper and pyjamas, but he had his legs and abdomen stuck up inside the woman’s vagina. It was horrifying and hilarious. Horrifying because the baby was screaming, but hilarious that this woman had a toddler hanging out of her cooter.”

The paramedics tried to release the child while still in the home, but Brown’s vagina was reportedly “too clenched,” and the pair were taken to a local hospital, where doctors spent nearly two hours surgically removing the child from Brown’s vagina. Dr. Gene Larkin, who performed the surgery, was also interviewed by WCNN:

“I don’t know how she got the child in there! We tried pulling him out, but it didn’t work. It appeared that Brown’s vagina, not use to anything being inserted into it, had clenched down on the poor baby to the point that we literally had to use the Jaws of Life to get him out.

According to the doctors, Brown’s vagina has been “completely destroyed” by the act, and they are doubtful that any number of surgeries could fix the damage. The young boy suffers from a dislocated hip, but doctors say that because of his age, he should not see any long-term effects.

Brown was interrogated by police, and eventually confessed to deliberately inserting the child in her vaginal cavity, because she was barren, and just wanted to know what it would feel like to “give birth.” Brown faces a total of 11 criminal charges, including aggravated child neglect causing bodily harm, and faces up to 65 years in prison if convicted.

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Faux Report

Man Hospitalized After Getting Fidget Spinner Lodged in His Rectum For 37th Time

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 28-year-old Boston man, who doctors call Mr. Fidgets, was hospitalized today for emergency surgery after the emergency room attending physician discovered a fidget spinner lodged in Mr. Fidget’s rectum – the 37th time they’ve treated him for the same incident.

“When he came in the first time, we kind of laughed about it,” said Dr. Mario Lambert of Boston Medical Center. “He couldn’t really explain how it happened and, frankly, we didn’t ask too many questions. Then it happened again, about 2 weeks later. Again, we didn’t really press. By the time it happened 14 and 15 times, well, we just stopped caring.”

Dr. Lambert says that he believes that Mr. Fidgets is trying to insert the toy, commonly used by children with ADHD, for sexual gratification, because he likes to have his partner insert it, then try to spin it while it’s inside.

“I can’t say that it would do a thing for me, but hey, to each their own,” said Dr. Lambert. “Problem is, this guy really needs some psychological help, but he hasn’t broken any laws. He’s an adult, and he pays his hospital bill in cash. I don’t know who this guy is or what he does for a living, but I tell you – his kinks are off the charts.”

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Faux Report

Hackers Plan To Leak SEX TAPE of Donald Trump With His Daughter Ivanka – The President Is FURIOUS!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has ordered the FBI and CIA to track down a group of “anonymous” hackers who are claiming that they have sex tapes featuring President Donald Trump and his daughter, Ivanka.

As seen in leaked images, the tapes  – allegedly stolen from a cell phone that belongs to Ivanka’s husband, Jared Kushner – are legitimate, and do depict Trump engaging in sexual acts with his daughter.

“This comes as no surprise to me at all,” said a White House staffer who asked not to be identified. “I was creeped out the first time he mentioned how hot she was, but he’s said it so many times since, that I’ve become kind of jaded by it. Yeah, Mr. President. Your daughter is hot. We get it. As it turns out, he’s been fucking her all along. Not even really a shocker at this point.”

As there is currently no FBI director, that bureau has made little progress in finding out who the hackers were, but so far, the CIA has reported that they haven’t had much luck either.

“Frankly, despite it being a serious concern for Trump, no one in the department really cares that much to find it,” said CIA John Brennan. “No one is surprised by this, and in reality, what damage could it really do to the guy? He’s been caught talking about grabbing women by the pussy because he thinks they like it. Does it really surprise anyone that he thinks his daughter, who he complements all the time about how ‘hot’ she is, has another pussy he can grab? And even if we do find the source of the tapes, hasn’t the damage already been done? I mean, it’s not like any Trump supporter is going to care anyway. They’ll call it fake news and move on with their lives.”

President Trump has not made any public comment on the matter. The video has been streamed on PornHub over 2 million times in less than 24 hours.

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Faux Report

Mom on Welfare Sues School After Being Told Her Daughter Can Only Get ONE Free Lunch a Day

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BANGOR, Maine – 

Mary Lambert is suing her daughter’s school, Bangor High School in Bangor, Maine, after a cafeteria woman made her cry by explaining she could only have “one free lunch” a day.

Amanda Lambert, 16, gets free lunch at the school due to her mother’s income, but the rules stipulate that she can only have one free meal a day.

“It’s unheard of that Amanda should not be allowed to eat as much as she wants,” said Mary Lambert, 50. “She’s a growing girl, and she needs nutrients. I’m not able to afford good food at home, and the school should be letting her pig out while she’s there. They know I’m poor, that’s why she gets free lunch. Why are they stopping her from eating.”

The school says that it doesn’t matter who the student is, they are on a budget, and students only get one meal a day.

“I understand that Amanda is fat,” said Bangor principal Joyce Mellows. “Like, abnormally fat for a 16-year-old. Perhaps she should be going outside for a walk at lunch, instead of trying to feed her fatty fat fat fat face with extra lunches. Other kids want to eat, too.”

Lambert brought a suit against the school alleging discrimination for not allowing Amanda to eat as much food as she wanted, stating it was because Amanda’s family was “too poor” to afford food that they were being denied food all together.

A lawyer for the school said the case is “stupid,” and something that “only a truly fat individual” could ever come up with.

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Ship Lost in Bermuda Triangle 90 YEARS Ago Sails Into Cuban Harbor, Coast Guard Confirms

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TRINIDAD, Cuba – 

A ship that has been missing for over 90 years has reportedly docked in a Cuban harbor, the Cuban Coast Guard says.

The SS Cotopaxi, which has been lost at sea and all on board listed as deceased, made its miraculous return after going missing in 1925, one of the first ships that helped launch the legend of the Bermuda Triangle.

“We have no idea how or why the ship vanished, and we are even more confused at how it turned up today,” said Coast Guard chief Manuel Ferrara. “Even more bizarre is that everyone on board was alive, well, and hadn’t aged a bit. It’s a marvel of the seas, as it were. We’re just beginning to put this puzzle together.”

So far, all 43 members of the ship’s crew, as well as the captain, have been detained in a Cuban institution to be questioned and observed. The Coast Guard says they will work with authorities in other countries, including the United States, to solve the “mystery.”

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Faux Report

17 Children Are DEAD After a Fight Breaks Out in Middle School Over Fidget Spinners

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LYNN, Massachusetts – 

Seventeen pre-teens, aged 11-15, are dead after a massive fight broke out at a Lynn, Massachusetts middle school over the latest craze, fidget spinners.

According to police, several children began arguing about whose fidget spinner was “the best,” and several others began pestering the first group for being “super gay,” and having fidget spinners in the first place.

“Before you knew it, we had 60 or 70 kids just attacking each other,” said Darlene McDonald, a 7th grade teacher at Lynn Middle School. “Fidget spinners were being thrown everywhere – I saw one kid take his fidget spinner between his fingers like a pair of brass knuckles, and beat another student in the face repeatedly until one of his eyes simply popped out of his head. It was gruesome, and the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen. But if they think I’m getting involved in this shit at $14 bucks an hour, they can get real.”

Police were called to break up the melee, but by the time they arrived, 13 students had died, and another 24 were injured. Another 4 died later on due to sustained injuries.

“We had tried to ban fidget spinners in the school, but the parents, they lobbied to bring them back,” said Principal Grace Marlins. “So we let them play, knowing full well the dangers. I cannot believe that something like this happened over a $1 piece of plastic. Sad thing is, the parents still won’t let us ban them – they just want everything monitored better. It’s crazy.”

Fidget spinners are quickly become a problem in many classrooms throughout the country, with teachers calling them a “distraction” and a “time waster.”

“This just proves how dangerous they really are, though,” said McDonald. “We went through a lot of phases in my days as a teacher – slap bracelets, pogs, and then cell phones, of course. But this is the first time I’ve ever seen kids beat each other to death over a fad. This world has gone truly crazy.”

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Faux Report

Health Department Warns About DANGEROUS New Tick That Burrows Under Your Skin – These Guys Are DISGUSTING and DEADLY!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The US Health Department has issued warnings in 6 states – New Hampshire, Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, and Rhode Island – about a dangerous and deadly new breed of tick that will immediately burrow into human skin, and can actually live under your flesh for days or even weeks undetected.

Dr. James Monroe, head of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, issued the warning through the White House, who sent out examples of the tick to all 50 states – with specific warnings in the 6 targeted states that the ticks have been found.

“So far, we’ve had over 800 cases in 6 states, mostly in New England at this time,” said Dr. Monroe. “It is rapidly reaching epidemic levels, and the nature of these insects is disturbing. They will burrow under human flesh, and can feed on your blood from within your body, much like a ‘regular’ tick will do now, but the variance being that these ticks are much more deadly, and much more likely to make their way into you undetected. It is advisable that people stay out of heavily wooded areas, or any place with high grass or plants.”

Dr. Monroe says that of the 800 cases, there has been 19 reported deaths, mostly elderly people, whose bodies were not able to fight off the bacteria released by the ticks. Whereas a regular or deer tick is commonly known for carrying Lyme Disease, these new “super ticks” carry a disease more likened to the Black Plague, causing nightmarish fevers, aches, heart problems, and possible death.

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Faux Report

Why You Need to STOP Cooking With Wooden Utensils IMMEDIATELY – This Can SAVE YOUR LIFE!

woodenLOS ANGELES, California – 

A mother in Los Angeles and her two children, aged 7 and 4, are in critical condition after ingesting what doctors are saying was an “extreme amount” of mites, linked to wooden cooking utensils in the family’s kitchen.

Miranda Joseph and her children were admitted to St. Christine Hospital in Los Angeles after the three of them became severely ill after eating a dinner of macaroni with sauce on Monday evening. Originally thought to be a case of food poisoning, the diagnosis was ruled out after Joseph began vomiting tiny, black bugs.

“When we called authorities to enter Ms. Joseph’s home and obtain any remaining food from their dinner, they brought back the entire pot and utensils that were used for cooking, which happened to be wooden spoons,” said Dr. Carl Richards, an attending ER doctor. “As soon as I saw the wooden utensils, I knew what had happened.”

According to Richards, there has been an extreme amount of cases throughout California and Nevada of a new “superbug” that infests homes, and will lodge itself into anything wooden.

“These bugs, they’re like a much smaller termite, almost impossible to see until they are swarming in the millions,” said Dr. Richards. “They’ve become increasingly common in many West Coast homes, and will bore into anything wooden – your house itself, bureaus, TV stands, and yes, even wooden utensils. Unfortunately, they are also quite poisonous to the human body.”

Dr. Richards suggests that anyone who currently uses wooden utensils to throw them out immediately, and replace with stainless steel or plastic.

“You don’t want to end up dead because you like the look of wood spoons,” said Dr. Richards.

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There’s Something WAY Worse Than TSP In Your Breakfast Cereals – This Is SCARY!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For the last several months, a viral article about TSP, or trisodium phosphate, being found in breakfast cereals has been causing a panic among parents and cereal addicts alike. TSP is a food preservative that has been listed as “safe” by the FDA, but is a common ingredient in cleaners such as paint thinner, and worries of sickness and disease are running rampant.

Today it was discovered, though, that there is something exponentially worse than TSP, and it is found in nearly every single breakfast cereal on the market today – especially ones aimed at children.

“We have discovered a new chemical that has been being used by many companies, including Kellog’s, General Mills, and more, in their cereals, that has been slipping past the FDA’s careful watch,” said health professional Dr. Jacob Lambert. “The chemical, commonly referred to in the scientific world as Cn(H2O)n, has been linked to hyperactivity, diabetes, some cancers, sleeplessness, stomach ailments, weight gain, high blood pressure, and elevated triglycerides – which can all be very serious.”

Dr. Lambert said that he first brought the use of the chemical to the attention of the FDA in late 2014, but that they had “no concern” over its use.

“They basically laughed me out of the building, and said that all food manufacturers has been using the Cn(H2O)n for decades, maybe longer,” said Dr. Lambert. “I tried to explain that its longtime use didn’t excuse the fact that it was causing major damage to those who were eating it, and that we were reaching epidemic proportions of people who had become ill from eating it. Obviously the FDA’s real concern is being in the back pocket of Big Cereal, and making money – not in the actual health of those eating the food.”

Dr. Lambert has cautioned parents that “nearly every single cereal” on the shelf today contains the Cn(H2O)n, and that it can be listed on the label under a multitude of names.

 

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Faux Report

There’s Something WAY Worse Than TSP In Your Breakfast Cereals – This Is SCARY!

cereal

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For the last several months, a viral article about TSP, or trisodium phosphate, being found in breakfast cereals has been causing a panic among parents and cereal addicts alike. TSP is a food preservative that has been listed as “safe” by the FDA, but is a common ingredient in cleaners such as paint thinner, and worries of sickness and disease are running rampant.

Today it was discovered, though, that there is something exponentially worse than TSP, and it is found in nearly every single breakfast cereal on the market today – especially ones aimed at children.

“We have discovered a new chemical that has been being used by many companies, including Kellog’s, General Mills, and more, in their cereals, that has been slipping past the FDA’s careful watch,” said health professional Dr. Jacob Lambert. “The chemical, commonly referred to in the scientific world as Cn(H2O)n, has been linked to hyperactivity, diabetes, some cancers, sleeplessness, stomach ailments, weight gain, high blood pressure, and elevated triglycerides – which can all be very serious.”

Dr. Lambert said that he first brought the use of the chemical to the attention of the FDA in late 2014, but that they had “no concern” over its use.

“They basically laughed me out of the building, and said that all food manufacturers has been using the Cn(H2O)n for decades, maybe longer,” said Dr. Lambert. “I tried to explain that its longtime use didn’t excuse the fact that it was causing major damage to those who were eating it, and that we were reaching epidemic proportions of people who had become ill from eating it. Obviously the FDA’s real concern is being in the back pocket of Big Cereal, and making money – not in the actual health of those eating the food.”

Dr. Lambert has cautioned parents that “nearly every single cereal” on the shelf today contains the Cn(H2O)n, and that it can be listed on the label under a multitude of names.

 

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President Trump Announces He Will NOT Be Running Again in 2020 – The Reason Why Will SHOCK You!

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SAUDI ARABIA – 

President Trump, who is currently overseas visiting Saudi Arabia, announced during a press conference that he will not be running for re-election in 2020.

“To be honest, this job is just too damn hard,” said President Trump. “If I could quit right now, I probably would, but Mikey [Pence], he’s not ready for this. He doesn’t have the heart for this job. He doesn’t have the balls. You have to have big, huge, brass balls to be President. I have big balls. I probably have the biggest balls. But really, despite my large testicles, I cannot say that I want to do more than four years of this. It’s just too much time spent.”

According to Trump, he says he will “definitely finish” his four year term, but at that point, would like to bow out.

“I will finish my term, and will finish on top, but I think four years in, that’s enough time for me. I like to try new things, see new places, do new people,” said President Trump. “I hope that whoever steps up to the plate after me understands just how hard this job is. It’s not easy, not like I thought. Golf is easy. Money is easy. Those are things I like to do, and those are things I want to do. I’ll never retire, but I certainly don’t want to be 80-years-old, running a country.”

 

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Former Hell’s Angel Reveals Secret Homosexual Meaning Behind Why Bikers Wave When They Pass Each Other

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

A former Hell’s Angel motorcycle gang member recently gave an interview about his time in the club, and revealed a little more than the interviewer probably anticipated when he was questioned about the “wave” that bikers give each other when passing.

“That’s a gay thing, totally,” said the biker, who was interviewed for Viceland on the Vice TV channel. “It started probably 40 or 50 years ago, back when most bikers got into the clubs to hide their homosexuality. Waving when you passed another guy on a motorcycle was a sign that you were available, and ready for a meet-up later at any number of local motels. If the person waved back, then you knew the meeting was on.”

He did go on to say that the waving had “lost a lot of its original meeting,” but that you will still find old bikers who like to get out of their leathers and romp around on the bed with other guys.

“It’s actually more common than you think, but really, it’s also quite accepted now,” said the biker. “We’re all-inclusive. We used to be hardcore about only letting in certain people, but we have plenty of openly gay members now. I’m cool with it, for sure. But the waving, yeah – if you’re doing that still, you should know that an old-school biker might show up at your hotel door in the middle of the night and expect a quick mouth service.”

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Maine Launches Heroin Vending Machines To Make Sure Addicts Have Clean Needles, Good Drugs

AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine, one of the states with the highest amount of overdoses on heroin and other opioid drugs, has recently launched a new program to help addicts make sure that they’re getting clean, sterile equipment before shooting up.

“We want to make sure that these druggies are OD’ing clean, without also increasing the risk of AIDS or other diseases common among IV drug users,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “Originally, the vending machines were designed to offer only the needles, but in further discussion, we decided the best bet was to offer the entire package – a needle, heroin, a giant rubber tube – everything a good little addict will  need.”

The purpose of these vending machines, LePage says, is to make sure that people who need their fix can get it safely and securely, and that the state can better regulate the drug trade.

“We already legalized marijuana, and by next year it will go live in retail stores, and we’ll make fortune,” said LePage. “I am against marijuana, but I’m definitely not against money. This heroin trade is a booming business in our state, so it’s time we got involved.”

The machines will be placed in “high-ghetto” areas around Maine, including the state capitol, Augusta, as well as bigger cities like Bangor and Portland. They also plan to expand to smaller cities and towns over the next two years, as LePage commented that the heroin trade is big there, too.”

“There’s not a hell of a lot to do in a town like Waterville, for example, except to shoot up, so we’ll eventually focus on making sure those towns are also taken care of.”

LePage estimates that the machines will bring in hundreds of thousands of dollars in revenue in the 2018 fiscal year.

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Professionals Test President Trump’s IQ – You Won’t BELIEVE The Results!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A group of professional teachers and scientists recently visited the White House to give a regulated IQ test to our nation’s president, Donald Trump. Most of the group, who were made up of both liberals and conservatives, said they expected that he would favor towards the “low end” of normal, but were startled to find the true results.

“As it turns out, President Trump is actually far, far below the spectrum, and is technically and legally retarded,” said group head, Dr. James Monroe. “I personally expected he would be average, perhaps slightly lower, as it’s obvious by the way he speaks that he’s a bit dim, but these findings were exceedingly lower than we imagined.”

The average IQ of a “regular” person is approximately 90-110, with “genius level” being reached at approximately 140. Donald Trump average a 61.

“Legally, Trump is mentally retarded,” said Dr. Monroe. “I can’t even imagine how we didn’t know this sooner, but it’s true. Although there can be variations on multiple taking of these standardized tests, it would be exceedingly rare for anyone to increase their score by more than 30 or 40 points on a re-take. Trump is retarded – big ol’ retard, indeed.”

The highest presidential IQ was John Adams, whose IQ was estimated to be approximately 170, a “super genius” level.

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