Faux Report

Jeff Sessions Arrested After Routine Traffic Stop Turns Up 20 Pounds of Marijuana In His Car

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was arrested today after police in Washington, D.C. pulled him over for a broken tail light, and found over 20 pounds of marijuana in the car.

Police say that during the stop, the officer smelled a “strong odor” of marijuana coming from inside the vehicle, and asked to search through the car. When Sessions refused, a K9 unit was called to the scene.

“Despite marijuana being legal in D.C., it is still not legal to use it while driving, or driving while impaired,” said Officer Thomas Townsend, who was the arresting officer at the scene. “After we determined that Mr. Sessions was actually using, we decided to search the vehicle. It was at that point that we found the bricks in his trunk.”

Sessions was arrested and brought to a local D.C. police department for processing, but was immediately released at order of President Trump.

“Despite the interference by the current Presidential administration, we will still be moving forward with the charges against Mr. Sessions,” said Officer Townsend.

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Faux Report

Teen Files Lawsuit Against His Parents Because He Was ‘Born Black’

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 16-year-old in Boston has filed one of the most controversial lawsuits in modern history, with legal reports showing that he is suing his own biological parents for being born black.

Jamal Cutler, 16, claims he has suffered his whole life from the shame of being born black, especially because he goes to a predominantly white school outside of Boston, Massachusetts.\

“When I was a kid, I’d spend hours in the shower trying to wash off all the black from my skin, but it would never go away,” he recalls painfully.

His parents admit they were completely in shock when they learned their son had hired a lawyer against them. “We just want to end this nonsense, and we want him to come back home. We will love him no matter the color of his skin,” said Cutler’s mother, Maria, 48. “I’d love him even if he was the color of a baboon’s ass.”

The young man’s lawyer, Robert Hoffman, claims his client has suffered severe psychological distress, symptoms of depression, and suicidal tendencies because of what he called “the burden of being a minority.”

“My client did not choose to live this kind of life. Why would he have to carry the burden of hundreds of years of slavery and racism all because his parents had the selfish desire to bring a child into this world?” he sad during the suit’s opening statements before a judge and grand jury. “Because of the level of psychological distress of my client, we ask that his parents pay for all necessary expenses to change his racial status, including skin coloring treatments.”

Cutler, who plans to change his name to John Smith after he converts to “white,” is asking that his parents pay for the $20,000 skin coloring treatment he needs.

His lawyer argued in court that $20,000 is a low price to pay to positively change this young man’s life, considering the suicidal tendencies of his client and the “profound feeling of shame and despair” his client has faced since his birth.

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Faux Report

57-Year-Old Virgin Sues His Former Middle School For Teaching Abstinence

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HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

James Holmes, 57, has filed a lawsuit against his former middle school for teaching him abstinence, as he said that they taught him that he would “burn in hell” if he ever had sex, or even masturbated.

From World News Daily Report:

Holmes says the sexual education he received at the Jemison High School was “traumatizing” and has caused him some severe psychological problems.

In an interview with ABC, he described the content of the sexual education classes which he says caused his psychological trauma.

“They taught us that God would smite us if we masturbated and that we would burn in Hell for eternity if we had sex before marriage. They showed us pictures of genitals infected with STDs and told us it was what God did to adulterers.”

These classes had such an impact on Mr. Holmes that whenever he thinks about sex, even today, he suffers from a severe panic attack.

“I’m 47-year old and I’m still a virgin. Every time I think of sex I remember these purulent genitals, so I start panicking, sweating and even vomiting.” 

In 2012, he was diagnosed with a Sexual aversion disorder (SAD), a disorder characterized by disgust, fear, revulsion, or lack of desire in consensual relationships involving genital contact.

This type of psychological disorder is usually caused by some traumatic event which causes sex to be associated with a painful experience.

He had to undergo years of psychotherapy and is still heavily medicated, that’s why he demanding almost half a million dollars from his former school.

Holmes’ lawyer says that he believes that the case is a “slam dunk.” Holmes claims that the first thing he plans to do after receiving his winnings is to pay a “lady of the night” to finally take his virginity, but he hopes that he can find a nice one so that afterwards he can settle down.

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Faux Report

Old Juggalo Says He’s Worried About The Future Generation of Lil’ Juggalos

PONTIAC, Michigan –

55-year-old Kevin Anderson has been a self-proclaimed juggalo for over two decades, but says that young juggalos who are just coming into the family aren’t going to continue with the positive  message that they’ve always been about. According to Anderson, whose Juggalo name is “Klown Syndrome,” the new kids just don’t understand.

From The Hard Times:

“Frankly, I’m worried for our future,” said the outspoken Syndrome. “These Millennial Juggalos don’t know their asses from their elbows! They’re a bunch of assed-out tricks who don’t have the work ethic to hatchet their way out of a wet paper bag.”

Syndrome admitted his worry grew after attending last summer’s Gathering of the Juggalos.

“It was some straight Jugga-ho behavior, to be completely honest with you,” noted Syndrome. “This one youngin’ was talkin’ shit about how Faygo’s loaded with high fructose corn syzurup or some shit, and that we should try drinking water every once in a while. That’s some seriously wack shit. For real.”

Syndrome blames parents in his age group for raising a generation of coddled, entitled “Juggaflakes.”

“Back in the day, we worked for what we wanted. Nobody handed me anything when I was coming up. Nowadays, these young Juggs show up demanding blunts and whip-its like they grow on trees or something,” barked Syndrome. “They’re lucky I don’t straight up whoop they scrub asses.”

Old timers in other musical gangs, including those in the KISS Army, say they, too, can relate to the struggle, but remain hopefully that the next generation will eventually follow suit.

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Justin Bieber Signs $2M Porn Deal With Brazzers

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Justin Bieber announced today that he has signed a $2 million contract with Brazzers, the adult website, with plans to complete 5 pornographic films. Sources close to the film company say one of those movies may also star Selena Gomez, Bieber’s on-again, off-again lover.

Bieber began his career in music over a decade ago, after being discovered on YouTube. Since then, he has released several extremely successful albums, and has appeared many times on the covers of tabloids throughout the world.

“Now that he is no longer selling records, and his popularity is dipping, he is desperate for money,” says an anonymous source close to the musician. “I think this is a bad decision, really. Most of his fans are young girls, under 18, and they shouldn’t be allowed to see this stuff…but you know they will seek it out. It will ruin his already tarnished reputation.”

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Faux Report

Teen Dies After Letting Rabid Bat Bite Him, Thought He’d Turn Into a Vampire

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SAN DIEGO, California –

A teen has died from a rabies infection after police say he was trying to domesticate a wild bat. Reports indicate that the teen, Stanford Guterson, purposely allowed the rodent to bite him, with the intention of turning into a vampire.

From World News Daily Report:

The young teenager who was fascinated with the idea of becoming a vampire possibly got bitten or scratched by the animal in a “satanic ritual” according to family members and friends.

Guterson was allegedly the victim of bullying at school and believed he could reenact revenge upon his enemies through the process of acquiring supernatural powers by “turning into a vampire” said one of his close friends.

“He was really into the dark occult shit and hoped that if he got bit by or had sex with a bat it might help him become a vampire,” his best friend Malcolm Jackson told reporters.

According to Jackson, [Guterson] also frequently drank blood from his 56-year-old unemployed girlfriend who did not respond to media requests for an interview and was not available for comments.

Police say that, despite initial rumors, there is no new internet “bat bite challenge,” and they believe that this is an isolated incident from an isolated loser.

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Faux Report

EA Sports To Make President Trump Cover Star of PGA Tour 2018

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

At a press conference at the White House today, President Trump announced that he would be the next cover star for EA Sports’ PGA Tour video game series. The series will be branded as Donald Trump’s PGA Tour.

From The Hard Times:

“This is a tremendous honor that I’ve bestowed upon myself,” said Trump to a crowded White House press room. “I’ve got the best clubs, I play on the best courses, I’m like, really great at golf.  Putting the Trump brand on this game is going to boost sales, bigly.”

Casey Patrick, a lead developer on PGA Tour 18, nervously echoed the president’s sentiments while flanked on each side by Secret Service members.  

“After the Secret Service kicked our door in, slammed my head on a desk, and forced me to sign a contract that appeared to be written in crayon by President Trump himself, we were thrilled to put him on the cover,” Patrick told a group of reporters.

Trump is reportedly also in talks to be on the cover of the next MADDEN video game, and says he is “considering” whether or not to appear on the cover of WWE 2019.

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Faux Report

President Trump Will Appear in WWE Royal Rumble Tonight

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PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

President Trump, who has been friends with WWE owner Vince McMahon for many years, and who has been a part of wrestling events in the past, will be appearing at tonight’s Royal Rumble in Philadelphia. Normally he’d be relegated to a sideline role, or a walk-in part where he may speak,  but this event will be very different. Trump will actually be wrestling in the Rumble match.

“President Trump was asked to participate, and he said yes,” said White House spokesman Giles Anderson. “He and Vince McMahon are longtime friends, and he missed working with the WWE. It was President Trump’s suggestion that he actually participate in a physical role.”

Trump has secretly been training in the ring for the last 6 months in anticipation of tonight’s event, and is saying that he is confident in his abilities.

“I obviously will not be winning the match, I don’t think anyone expects that,” said President Trump. “But I will be able to hold my own with no problem.”

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Faux Report

Netflix Announces Plans To Ditch Hollywood Films, Plans To Focus Only On Original Content

 

SAN DIMAS, California – 

Netflix, everyone’s favorite streaming platform, has – as of late – become an internet joke. For every person who absolutely loves the service, another ten people complain about the lack of new movies and original content, noting that the service often fills their back catalog with old titles and cheap B-movies.

It’s because of this feedback that Netflix has announced their most drastic change since the company began nearly 20 years ago. Starting in June, Netflix say they will completely phase out their licensing agreements with Hollywood studios, and instead rely solely on original, Netflix-created content.

“This change will be our biggest yet, but we’re also betting that it will be the most positive,” said CEO Reed Hastings. “Our numbers for original programming like Stranger Things and Orange is the New Black are through the roof, whereas the film selection are often very sparing. Focusing on original content will help us align ourselves as, essentially, the TV network that everyone is watching.”

Hastings did say that although they are going to do away with licensing of Hollywood movies, it doesn’t mean they are going to stop bringing in shows that have been re-branded for Netflix.

Black Mirror brings in huge numbers for us, and although it’s not a Netflix original, it is the only place to stream the show here in the United States,” said Hastings. “We will continue to run that show, as well as bringing in other series that air outside of the country. We will also be co-producing new episodes in partnership with the BBC.”

So far, comments on the change have been positive, with nearly everyone excited about having a provider that focuses exclusively on original content, and isn’t bogged down with filling space with dead items. Hastings also noted that DVD Netflix, the service that delivers physical media to users’ mailboxes, will go unchanged.

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Tom Hanks’ ‘Cast Away’ Co-Star Alleges Sexual Abuse During Filming

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Tom Hanks is “America’s Favorite Actor,” but after allegations that just surfaced, many people might be re-thinking supporting his next role.

One of Hanks’ most memorable roles from the early 00’s is the film Cast Away, where Hanks is marooned on a deserted island after a plane crash. The entire film revolves around only two main characters – Hanks, and his friend, a volleyball he names Wilson.

Wilson the volleyball, who is represented by ICM Partners out of Los Angeles, recently released a statement through his lawyer that stated that Hanks sexually assaulted him throughout the entire filming of Cast Away, and then paid members of the production team to cover it up.

“Mr. Hanks would often grab, run, and fondle Wilson the Volleyball, and despite his assertions that he did not want to be touched, Mr. Hanks did not desist,” said Martin Schuster, Wilson’s lawyer. “Although we understand that the statute of limitations has passed on this crime, Wilson has decided to finally come forward and release this information, so that other balls in Hollywood films can feel safer.”

Hanks had no comment on the allegations, but since Wilson’s announcement, several other inanimate objects in film history have come forward alleging misconduct, including Rosebud, the sled from Citizen Kane, and the Ruby Slippers from The Wizard of Oz.

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Faux Report

Deadly New Disease Is Being Called ‘Super AIDS,’ And Is Killing People at a Rapid Rate

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The CDC is warning of a deadly new disease, dubbed on the streets as Super AIDs, which is killing people at an extreme rate. So far, there have been more than 2800 deaths through the United States, and thus far, doctors and researchers are stumped on a possible cure.

How the disease is contracted is yet unknown, but it causes extreme loss of motor functions, as well as skin blistering and swelling. People have also been noted to lose their teeth and show severe gum rot. Hair and fingernails have also been seen to begin to fall out.

“This disease is the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in my entire 47 years as a doctor,” said Dr. Kyle Chandler, a medical researcher at the Center For Disease Control in Washington, D.C. “We have no idea how to treat this illness, and we don’t know what’s causing it. The people come from all walks of life, and there doesn’t seem to be any connection between their living situations or lifestyles. We’re working diligently, but we’re at a loss.”

The CDC warns that if you begin to exhibit any of the signs of the disease, to see a medical professional immediately.

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White College Prof. Tries To Prove There’s No Racial Bias By Police, Undergoes Surgery To Look Black – He’s Instantly Shot and Arrested

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A white college professor at Boston College, Mark Ryder, 38, underwent over 200 hours of expensive cosmetic surgery to look “as black as possible,” with hopes that he could prove to his Ethics in Law class that there was no such thing as a racial bias by police, and that the media like to hype up issues with African Americans by police.

According to reports, though, Ryder was shot and later arrested by police after he tried to leave his doctor’s office and walk to his own car across the street.

“My client was simply walking to his car, which happened to be a brand new Tesla, and was stopped by police,” said Ryder’s lawyer, Carlton Fisher. “They assumed he was stealing it, and despite when being asked to show his hands and complying, officers shot Mr. Ryder twice. He was struck in the arm and the ribs.”

Police reports show that Ryder was “not cooperative” with police requests, and was shot after an officer believed he was reaching for a weapon. Naturally, the officer’s body camera was switched off.

Ryder has since been released from prison, and is planning a lawsuit against the Boston PD. He has also retired from teaching Ethics in Law, stating that “English is a much easier, more straight-forward class.”

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A Crying Donald Trump Was Escorted Off Mar-A-Lago Golf Course After Accidentally Pooping His Pants

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PALM BEACH, Florida –

President Trump has spent most of his winter vacation golfing with friends and family at Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, but on his latest outing, the President was caught with his pants up…when perhaps they should have been down.

According to photographers at the golf game, President Trump was on the 13th hole and right after teeing off, he let out “a massive, wet, drippy fart sound.”

“It was simultaneously hilarious and disgusting,” said Chris Robbins, the photographer who captured the immediate aftermath. “I wasn’t getting any really good shots throughout the day, but then I heard Trump rip one, really hard and really wet. I look over, and he has literally shit himself. It was made even more hilarious because, like most dipshit golfers, he was wearing stupid clothes – white pants!”

Robbins was able to get a great shot of the President being scurried away by a member of his staff and his caddy, with brown streaks running down the back of his pants.

“I honestly think this picture might win me a Pulitzer,” said Robbins. “It’s far and away the best thing I’ve ever taken. So many of the other guys bought me beers in the Mar-A-Lago club lounge after this photo was published, I could barely stand up. Hell, almost shit myself.”

The President had no comment on the incident, and maintained that “it never happened.”

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BREAKING: President Donald Trump Has Made a Major Announcement – ‘It’s Time To Quit!’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a shocking, unprecedented move, President Trump has made an announcement from the White House early this morning that had rattled the entire nation.

“It’s time that I quit tweeting,” said President Trump to a room of Associated Press reporters. “Throughout 2017, it has been a source of continued embarrassment for me, as I try and say and do what any one of you would on your own accounts – I just wanted to speak my mind. Unfortunately, the Fake News outlets like CNN have used my tweets time and time again to twist my words and try and make me look bad. Well no more.”

Trump stated that his official account would continue to run, but that it would announce only breaking political and world news, and it would be completely run by staff members.

“I’m giving them the passwords, advising them to change them all, and I will no longer have access to my Twitter accounts,” said Trump. “It’s my 2018 new year’s resolution, and I will stick by it.”

In the meantime, Trump has taken to other social media websites and  set up accounts, including on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Grindr.

“I had no idea what that last one was, but it seemed like it could be a good time,” said Trump.

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