Faux Report

Thousands Blinded By Solar Eclipse…Millions More Disappointed By Anticlimactic Event

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As the solar eclipse moves across North America, emergency rooms are filling up across the nation. Although many warnings were issued to the public not to watch the eclipse without protective eyewear, many did not head the advice and now find they have severely damaged their retinas.

Because the retinas do not have pain receptors, most did not realize they had caused damage until it was too late.

Jennifer Thompson encouraged her husband, Dave Thompson to go out and look at the eclipse, and then had to drive him to the emergency room. Dave says, “I thought don’t look at the eclipse or you’ll go blind was just silly advice like ‘don’t swallow watermelon seeds or they’ll grow in your stomach. Luckily I didn’t look for long and only have minor solar retinopathy- whatever that means. All I know is I’m going to be out of work, and we can’t afford it.”

Zang Li of New York assumed once the spots in front of his eyes went away he would be ok. He became concerned when after ten minutes his vision did not fully return. “I thought it was all some kind of conspiracy to sell those stupid glasses. And you know those glasses are just going to end up in landfills tomorrow. But I was wrong. I’m devastated. The ER doctor said I suffered burns on 80% of my retina, and it is likely my vision may never come back.”

Even more tragic than the loss of vision suffered by over 10,000 and counting, is the millions who were disappointed by the natural phenomena. Children who spent hours creating pinhole-projector eclipse viewers, only to see a lame shadow cover the sun, were left disillusioned. Zaiden Winslow, age 9, of North Carolina, says, “That sucked. I wish I had stayed inside and watched TV.”

The next solar eclipse is scheduled for 2024, and we can only hope future generations will heed this advice from 2017: IT’S NOT THAT EXCITING, but if you must watch, BUY THE STUPID GLASSES!

 

 

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Mother Says Playground Equipment Hurts Her Child’s Feelings And Needs To Be REMOVED

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Redwood Falls, MN-

Mother Candice Benner is suing Reede Gray Elementary School to install more handicap accessible equipment. Mrs. Benner says if they do not act soon she will tear the existing equipment out herself.

“It’s bad enough the kids run around in front of her. Tabatha’s dream is to play kickball, but of course they refuse to modify the rules so she can participate. But the biggest indignity is that she can’t use the slide. If they refuse to update the equipment, it should all be torn out…and if they don’t act soon, I’ll take it out myself.”

Superintendent, Rich Smellingworth says they simply do not have it in their budget. The school was forced to update their playground equipment five years before when Mothers Against Wooden Playground Equipment (MAWPE) sued the school to update the equipment. Although the small school did not have any handicapped children at the time they did include two disability friendly swings in accordance with the American’s with Disabilities Act.

PTA mother, Amy Dixon thinks the money could be better allocated. “If, we could afford one of them special slides there I’d be for it, but we can’t. And honestly I think when there is extra money in the budget our first priority should be taking the toxic GMO ingredients out of the cafeteria. It would be something for all the children, including Mrs. Benner’s daughter. Perhaps with a preservative free diet she would have more mobility.”

Another parent , who wishes to remain anonymous says, “Well it’s not fair to her daughter. But life aint fair…Should we chop off the little boys’ you-know-whats because some of the girls have penis envy. Life aint fair.”

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Cailtlyn Jenner Says She Is ‘Bored’ Being a Woman, Plans On Transitioning Back to Being ‘Bruce’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

The world’s most famous transgender person, and total obnoxious asshole Caitlyn Jenner, says that she has become “completely bored” being a woman, and thinks it’s time that she transitions back to a men, and goes back to being just “plain old Bruce.”

“Being a girl is fun for a bit. I have some bitchin’ tits, and yeah, I got rid of my penis, but I miss it. We were together a long time,” says Jenner. “I think I’d like to have it back. I walk through my house, and I see myself on the hundreds of Wheaties boxes I collected, and I like the way I looked then. It’s time for another change.”

Jenner says that the plan is to return to manhood after she has the nude photos done for Playboy.

“No matter what anyone says, I’m baring it all for the nude spread,” said Jenner. “That shoot is going to make me a fortune. Everyone is going to want to see that – even those bigots who say they’re disgusted by it. You know they’re going to sneak a spank to it. I’m very excited.”

After Jenner transitions back, she says she wants everything to just “return to normal.”

“I’m honestly kind of sick of being in the public eye, being on TV, being a public icon and an American hero multiple times over,” said Jenner. “It’s going to be nice to just be Bruce again.”

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Pastry Chef Accidentally Bakes Bachelor Cake With Stripper Inside

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TAMPA, Florida – 

A pastry chef in Tampa has been arrested on manslaughter charges after he accidentally baked a nude woman into a cake, say Tampa Police.

According to police reports, chef Mario Blister was hired to create an extremely large cake that a nude woman could “pop out” of during a bachelor party for a group of about 30 men.

“Unfortunately, the baker had the hired stripper come to his shop, and ended up cooking her inside the cake,” said police chief Chris Tanner. “It is a tragic accident, but we have taken Mr. Blister in on involuntary manslaughter charges.”

“I don’t know how it happened, honestly,” said Blister. “Diamond came to the shop, and I had her get inside the outer framing of the cake, to make sure it was the right size. I use a massive, oversized walk-in oven. It’s like a firing kiln, custom built, as I do a lot of stripper cakes, and it’s easier to make it all at once. She fit perfectly. I left to get some icing, and when I came back, she was gone. I assumed she had left. Turns out…I was wrong.”

Blister says that the cake mold has a clasping mechanism that had somehow gotten latched shut, and Diamond, whose real name is Bambi Limber, was still inside.

“Mr. Blister ended up cooking Ms. Limber at 350 for over 25 minutes, before he smelled that something was wrong,” said Chief Tanner. “When we showed up on the scene, it was a disaster. I’d never seen anything like it in all my years on the force. On the other hand, there was a lot of cake to take home, and it was delicious.”

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President Trump Admits Reason He Banned Transgenders From Serving Is Because He Has Begun Transitioning To a Woman

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump has admitted that the real reason he banned transgenders in the military is because he has begun his transition into a woman, and said he was “scared” he might have to serve in the military.

“I already dodged the draft, made my way through life without ever having to serve in the military, so there was no way I was going to ever have to deal with possibly engaging in real combat,” said President Trump. “It worked out that I was planning on becoming a woman, as I’ve known for some time that I was not comfortable as a man. I mean, I’m not a faggy peter-puffer or anything. I still love grabbing women by the pussy. I just like to tuck it back and throw on a nice dress.”

When he was informed that he is well past the age of being drafted in the likely case that he leads the country into war, Trump was noticeably embarrassed.

“Nobody tells me anything about how this stuff actually works,” said our Commander-in-Chief. “Either way, I cannot wait for everyone to meet the new Donald. I think I’m going to go with the name Donna.”

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Misprinted ‘Pinkbacks’ Have Made It Into Circulation, and Collectors Are Paying THOUSANDS For Them!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A misprinted set of currency, being dubbed “pinkbacks” by collectors, in response to their tinted color, has made its way into everyday trade and banks, and collectors are picking them up for top dollar.

“I got a pink $100 bill when I cashed my check at the bank,” said Craig Fisher of Baltimore. “I thought it was kind of odd. At first I thought it was fake, but then I looked into it, and found out it was a very rare misprint. I ended up selling it to a collector for $15,000.”

The U.S. mint is trying, and seemingly failing, to get their hands on all of the misprinted bills. They are not saying how much currency is currently out there with the pink tint, but collectors are estimating that it is probably a small amount.

“Based on what I know about the influx of currency into the general marketplace, I’d venture to guess that there is maybe 1,000 of each of the pink $100s, $50s, and $20s, and probably only a couple hundred of the pink $10s,” said currency collector and expert, Mark Ditka. “I’ve only seen one $10 pinkback for sale so far, and I know it fetched well over $75,000.”

Ditka says that it’s “unlikely” that anyone will find one of these bills in the “real world,” as most of them have gone “underground” in the collector’s market, so that the U.S. treasury does not get their hands on them.

“But if you do find one, definitely give me a call,” said Ditka. “I’ll pay you a fortune for one.”

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President Trump Has Invited O.J. Simpson To Visit The White House Upon His Release – You Won’t Believe Why!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has said that he plans to have convicted felon O.J. Simpson to the White House upon his release from prison, which should be sometime in October. Simpson, who has been in prison for nearly 9 years, is reportedly a “good friend” of the President, and Trump has said he has a “special job” for the former NFL superstar and comic actor.

“The Juice and I, we go way, way back, and now that he’s getting out, I want to make sure he knows that he will always have a friend here, so I am going to give him a full pardon, and offer him a job on my staff,” said Trump.

The President said he plans to completely wipe away Simpson’s prison record, which means he would not have any sort of parole specifications he has to meet, and would be as free as anyone else.

“I hope to offer O.J. a job as my personal assistant within the White House,” said Trump. “I strongly believe that it is something he would be great at. I have a lot of special assignments for him.”

 

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Doctor Confirms That He Has Found a Cure For AIDS – But There’s a Slight Catch

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A researcher at the prestigious Harvard School of Medicine has found a cure for HIV and AIDS – something that doctors have been working on for nearly 40 years.

“It’s actually really simple,” said Dr. Marvin Hoek, who has been working on the project for over a decade. “The answer was right under our nose the whole time, and we have found a way to completely eradicate AIDS and HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in people.”

Dr. Hoek says that he began clinical trials in 2008, and stumbled across the cure in 2015.

“I have been working since that time to find a cure for what the AIDS cure causes, which is cancer.

According to Dr. Hoek, he says that in the over 10,000 cases of AIDS that he has eradicated, every single one of the patients ended up contracting cancer, and dying anyway.

“It’s really kind of a win-lose situation at this point in time, but we’re still working on the kinks right now,” said Dr. Hoek.

Hoek plans to publish the full scope of his work in the January 2018 Journal of Independent Medicine.

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Facebook Plans To ‘Go Dark’ – They Will Shut Down For 72 Hours In Honor of Fallen Police

ALTA VISTA, California – 

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says that the website, which is one of the most trafficked in the world, will be shutting down for 72 hours on August 15th in response to a slew of police murders in the last year.

“I’m very proud of our country’s police forces, and there are a lot of men and women being struck down in the line of duty by nasty, vicious criminals,” said Zuckerberg. “There is not a lot I can do as a citizen, but what I can do is use my power as the owner of one of the biggest websites of all time to make sure these people are remembered.”

Starting on August 15th at midnight eastern time, until midnight on August 18th, Facebook will be replaced by images of fallen police from throughout the country, along with names and service dates. What the site will not do, Zuckerberg said, is make any mention of the “asshole criminals” who killed the officers.

“These criminals, these nasty, disgusting pieces of shit, they get enough mention in newspapers and magazines, and the real heroes, the police, are not mentioned enough,” said Zuckerberg. “Facebook has always been about the color blue, and there’s a reason for that. There are no more important heroes in society today than police. And this is my way of showing that.”

 

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Police On The Hunt For ‘Scary Clown’ That Was Filmed Killing Young Girl

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NEW ENGLAND – 

Police are hunting for a person who murdered a young girl while dressed as a “scary carnival clown,” and left her body in the woods.

State Police in Maine say that they believe that the “clown” lured the girl to the woods, and set up a camera to film the pre-planned murder. A recording was then anonymously delivered to a police station in Maine, which lead officials to the crime scene.

“This clown is still on the loose, and we do not know where they might be,” said State Police Chief Mario Richards. “We have expanded our search from Northern Maine all the way to Massachusetts. Unfortunately, we do not know who we may be looking for, as the person’s features are completely obscured by clown make-up.”

Police believe that the clown may have murdered at least 4 other people in the same area, as other crimes under investigation have similar patterns, including greasepaint being found on the victims. The latest victim was a young girl, aged 16-19. They have not yet identified the girl, and are currently seeking help from the public.

“This clown is extremely dangerous, as all clowns normally are,” said Chief Richards. “If you see this, or any other clown, please remove yourself from the area and call 911 immediately. This clown has been known to use a knife in its attacks, as well as a sickle. We are unsure if the clown is male or female.”

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Charles Manson Reportedly Found Dead in Prison

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KINGS COUNTY, California – 

Famed cult leader Charles Manson, who is serving a life sentence for his role in the Manson Family murders in the 1960s, reportedly stumbled across a cell with 3 prisoners who were all deceased. Manson said he was doing his janitorial rounds when he found the dead bodies.

“Mr. Manson is a model prisoner who loves to work around the yard and cells, cleaning and mopping,” said warden Miles Richard. “On Friday, though, Mr. Manson reportedly found dead bodies in section A-4. The names of the deceased have not yet been released, pending an investigation and notice to family.”

“It was really kind of disturbing finding not just one, but several people dead like that,” said Manson. “I have never actually seen a dead body before. Even all those years ago, I wasn’t anywhere near the house when everyone was killed. It didn’t have anything to do with me. It’s really kind of gross, and rather unnerving to see.”

Manon, who is 82-years-old, is reportedly “doing just fine,” according to prison doctors, and may very well live to be “over 100 years old.”

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John McCain Says He ‘Accidentally’ Voted No On Healthcare Repeal: ‘My Brain Tumor Got The Best of Me!’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Senator John McCain shocked the entire country by voting NO on the Obamacare repeal on the Senate floor the other day, but even though he made a wave of new fans from the left, he is now saying he made a mistake, and that his brain tumor is to brain.

“I momentarily lost my senses, and literally couldn’t remember which way was up, and which was down,” said McCain, speaking from his home, where doctors have put him on bedrest. “I meant, of course, to vote TO repeal it, as was the plan. As I’ve mentioned before. There’s nothing that Republicans like doing more than screwing the entire country, and so naturally I should have given a thumbs-up. I swear I did. This brain tumor is really taking its toll.”

Unfortunately, the vote sticks as-is, unless a majority calls for a new vote sometime in the next 90 days.

“I think at that vote, I may abstain,” said McCain. “If I’m still alive, I really don’t want to mess this up again, and you never know how my vote might go.”

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‘World’s Ugliest Man’ Holds Guinness World Record For Most Sexual Partners

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NEW BRIGHTON, Connecticut – 

George L. George, 62, is the Guinness world record holder for “ugliest man,” a prize that he holds very dear to his heart. But the one record that he holds even more dear, is his number of sexual partners.

The Guinness Records Committee has recognized George’s 28,976 sexual partners as the most in history.

“It’s really kind of amazing that they’re recognizing me for my two greatest accomplishments, my dashing looks and my massive sexual conquests,” said George, who lives in an abandoned shack in Connecticut. “It’s been a long time coming for me, I’d say.”

George says that he has “always looked this way,” and that he had his first sexual encounter when he was 3.

“It was a babysitter, as it often is,” said George. “She wanted me badly. I gave it to her. Never stopped giving it to them.”

George received both of his Guinness awards via general post delivery, and says he has plans to display them on his toilet.

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Coca-Cola’s ‘Coke Zero’ Product Is Discontinued, Replaced With ‘Coke +Diabetes’

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Coca-Cola has announced that they are doing away with their line of products under the “Coke Zero” brand, and are instead going to focus on “what the American people really want,” which is to get as fat and be as unhealthy as possible.

“The problem with Coke Zero, is that – although not traditionally ‘healthy,’ it was by far one of the most healthy items we had on our list of products,” said Coca-Cola president Mark Zimmer. “It sold so infrequently, that we spent years in the red on that one product. It just isn’t working. Meanwhile, sales of our flagship Coca-Cola have skyrocketed. People just aren’t doing diet or zero calorie items anymore. They want all the flavor, and they want all the sugar. Thus, Coke +Diabetes was born.”

Zimmer says that Coke +Diabetes has 16 times the normal amount of sugar found in a standard Coca-Cola, and will have more sugar than any other drink on the market once it hits shelves this October.

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