Faux Report

World’s Oldest Woman – Who Drank a Glass of Formaldehyde Every Day For 60 Years – Dies At Age 187

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

The oldest living person in history, Bertha Flake, has died at 187.

Flake, who was born in 1831, has been listed as the oldest living person in the Guinness World Records book since 1955, when she turned 124. At that point doctors thought that she would not have much longer to live, but after meeting with a “mystic” in 1957, Flake began to see her health improve.

The mystic told Flake to begin drinking filtered formaldehyde each day before eating her normal breakfast. Despite doctors warning her that it would kill her, Flake began the regimen, and lived another 60 years.

“It tastes horrible, but it’s clearly working,” said Flake last year on her 186th birthday. No one thought I would live this long. I didn’t even know it was medically possible, but here I am, still kicking, still going strong. I hope I live to see 200, but at this point, I’ve lived 2 or 3 lifetimes, and I can’t say that I haven’t seen and done it all. If I did next year though, I hope it’s in a hail of police bullets. Nothing like pulling a 187 on a motherfuckin’ cop, right?”

Flake was married 6 times in her life, and claims that she had even slept with many famous figures in history, including Charlie Chaplin and Josef Stalin.

Doctors are examining her remains and plan to release their findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.

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Faux Report

BREAKING: Donald Trump Facing Civil Charges In Decades-Old Sexual Harassment Claim

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump will be heading to civil court next month over a claim of sexual harassment and abuse charges that were filed by a former employee.

Margot Lambert, 49, alleges that when she was an intern working for the Trump Corporation, Donald Trump made repeated sexual advances towards her, and even groped her during a private meeting. She was later fired after, she claims, refusing to fellate Trump in his office.

“At the request of my attorney, I am not able to say much about the case, except to say that President Trump, then just ‘Donnie,’ as he likes to be called, tried to get me to place his orange, flacid penis in my mouth,” said Lambert. “When I refused, I was later relieved of my duties as his intern. I believe that the two situations are related.”

Although the statute of limitations has run out for any sort of criminal case, Lambert is still free to go after Trump in civil court. Her law team says they are seeking damages in the amount of $6.5 million for mental anguish and recurring nightmares.

“Ms. Lambert sought counselling for many years after the sexual assault, and had finally learned to put the incident behind her,” said Lambert’s lawyer, Richard Kimball. “When Trump became President, Ms. Lambert began having PTSD of her multiple sexual encounters with Trump. We firmly believe we will have no problem in regards to winning this case.”

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Faux Report

Vin Diesel Hospitalized After On-Set Fight With Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson While Filming New ‘Fast & Furious’ Movie

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Vin Diesel was reported hospitalized after getting into a physical altercation with his co-star, former WWE champion Dwane ‘The Rock’ Johnson, while filming the latest Fast and Furious movie.

According to reports, the two action powerhouses got into a verbal battle on set, and the fight turned physical after Diesel pushed Johnson and called him a “two-bit cocksucker.”

“I don’t know what started the fight, but I know there had been some heat between the two during the filming of the last movie,” said Chris Ripkin, a production assistant on the movie. “There might have been some leftover animosity, or it could have been something new. Honestly no one is sure. But what I am sure of is that Rock totally laid the goddamn smackdown on Vin, and it was kind of awesome.”

Private studio security was called to the scene, but there has been no official police report filed, and likely isn’t going to be.

“These things are handled internally quite often,” said entertainment lawyer Ricky Melvin. “Whatever the deal is, these two guys will either battle it out in person again, or battle it out in court.”

Diesel reportedly suffered from a fractured jaw and several bruised and broken ribs. Shooting has been put on hold until March 20th.

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Faux Report

Florida School To Allow Students To Bring Guns To Class For Protection

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MIAMI, Florida –

A school district in Miami has voted to allow students in grades 3-12 to bring guns and other weapons to school, in hopes that it will curb a potential deadly school shooting.

“We strongly believe that if a student here wanted to come in and cause a massacre, that it can be thwarted by them knowing that the entire school is packing,” said Principal Jorge Kelly. “While most teachers were leery of bringing guns onto campus, these children have grown up with video games like Call of Duty, and watched violent movies since birth. They know how to handle a weapon.”

Parents of students in the district say they are already “sleeping more soundly” knowing that such a sweeping change was happening that would protect their children.

“We are very grateful to the school district for allowing this to happen,” said Maria Lambert, a parent of a child in 7th grade. “My son already has a rifle that we gifted him for hunting with his grandfather. Now he can bring it to class, and we will feel much safer.”

“I’m so stoked to bring my gat to class,” said high school sophomore Chris Rifkin. “I bought it from a bro I know, and he says the thing shoots straight as hell. If any motherfucker comes up in this bitch ready to pop off, I’m gonna place a few between his eyes. Blat! Blat! Bitch.”

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Faux Report

Man Claims He Was Possessed By The Devil After Watching New Horror Movie

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CHARLESTON, North Carolina – 

A Charleston man, Joe Briggs, said that he became possessed by the Devil himself after watching a horror movie that was, coincidentally, about a violent exorcism.

Briggs, 30, saw the film, American Guinea Pig: Song of Solomon at a local screening, and said the film was so jarring and sickening, that he left the theatre feeling physically ill.

“Several people had to leave the theatre during the show, and at least one person I saw passed out in their seat,” said Briggs. “I made it all the way through, but the movie was horrific, and I felt physically ill while watching it. Once it was over, I could barely move.”

Paramedics were called and transported Briggs to the hospital, where he was kept in intensive care for several days. Doctors who examined him could not figure out why he was having such a violent, physical reaction to a movie.

“The patient began to exhibit signs of a definite surreal, ‘not of this world’ sort of nature,” said Dr. Charles Lee Ray, who attended for Briggs. “After a couple of days, he began to develop sores, sweats, and was bleeding through his pores. One evening, he punched a nurse in the face, and she was knocked clear across the room, over 20 feet. Once he began speaking in ancient Aramaic, we called in a priest.”

Father Gary Lorde was brought in and confirmed demonic possession, and spent 4 days performing an exorcism.

“We had to move Briggs from the hospital, as an exorcism is an extremely long, grueling, and terrifying thing to witness,” said Lorde. “He was brought to a local rectory for spiritual treatment. In the end, we were able to remove the demonic spirit from Briggs, but there’s no telling with this ordeal has done to his mortal soul.”

“I think I’m going to be okay,”said Briggs. “I’m looking forward to picking up the movie when it comes out on blu-ray.”

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Faux Report

Teenager Arrested and Expelled After Pretending To Be Transgender So He Can Use Girls’ Showers

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HORNWOOD, South Carolina – 

A student at a high school in South Carolina has been arrested and expelled from school after it was discovered that he was not, as purported, a transgender student, but was in fact just trying to sneak into the girls’ showers so he can see them naked.

As reported by World News Daily Report:

Soccamee high school officials were alarmed by the student’s indecent behavior after several students and parents lodged complaints and reported the “immoral behavior” to school administrators.

The transgender male student was recently allowed by school officials to use all female washrooms, including having access to the girl’s locker room, after he had asked to be treated as a biological female.

The transgender male student also allegedly bragged about how the school would let him take showers with the girls just because he “wore a wig” and “painted his nails” according to several students.

The student, who has not been named, was arrested after it was stated that he inappropriately touched several of the girls while in the shower, and even was found masturbating while the girls were changing.

“He always had this huge erection while we were in the shower, I never understood why the school allowed a boy to be in the girls’ shower with us,” one female student told local reporters. “And I do mean huge. It kind of made me wish that he wasn’t a she, or…whatever. I just wanted him to ask for my number. I’ve gone black, but I’d definitely go back for that.”

The student was expelled from the school, and arrested on charges of lewd conduct and sexual battery.

 

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Faux Report

President Trump Signs Order Placing Ban on AR-15 Rifles

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Caving to pressure from teachers’ groups and anti-gun advocates, President Trump signed an immediate order banning the sale, trade, or possession of AR-15 rifles. The ban is effective immediately, with owners required to turn their firearms over to local law enforcement.

“At this time, AR-15 owners are asked to turn in their rifles to either a local police station or at a local FBI affiliate office,” said a White House representative. “The weapons will be taken and in exchange, the owner will be provided a $50 voucher to a local restaurant, generously donated by chains such as Applebee’s and Carl’s Jr.’s.”

Despite the extreme backlash that was expected by the Trump administration, most gun owners have been completely understanding and very passive about the ordeal since it was announced early this morning.

“Frankly, I don’t really need to own an AR-15, I just wanted to have it,” said gun owner Chris Hopkins in Maine. “It’s not a big deal. I wouldn’t mind a gift certificate for a dinner, anyway. Come to think of it, I am pretty hungry.”

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Faux Report

Spongebob Squarepants Scheduled for Cancellation in October

ORLANDO, Florida –

Nickelodeon, the TV network behind the popular animated series Spongebob Squarepants, announced this week that after nearly 20 years, the show would be going off the air.

“It’s been a long ride, and we are very grateful,” read a tweet posted by the show’s official page. They also posted an imaging of a crying Spongebob.

The show has been a phenomenon of epic proportions for almost 2 decades, and the news struck many young adults directly in the nostalgia section of their heart.

“This is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life,” said one Facebook user. “If it came down to whether or not to keep Spongebob on the air, or bring my Grandfather back from the dead, I’d keep Spongebob.”

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Faux Report

President Trump Backtracks On ‘Arming Teachers’ Idea; Claims He Forgot There Were Black Teachers

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has gone back on his statements about arming teachers throughout the United States, claiming that he now considers it a “bad idea.”

“When I originally talked about arming the teachers of this country, with plans of having them trained and organized in order to better protect our children, it didn’t occur to me that we also have, well, you know…Blacks teaching our kids,” said Trump. “Obviously, we cannot arm more black people. They are half the reason we have gun violence in the first place.”

Trump also went on to state that no one had told him that there are, in some instances, teachers of a Mexican descent, as well as Muslim school teachers.

“The idea of arming these people, that’s something I cannot deal with,” said Trump. “There definitely is an answer we need to find for the protection of our students, of our schools, but arming minorities isn’t the way.”

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Barack Obama Announces Plans To Get Elected As Italian Prime Minister

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FLORENCE, Italy – 

Former President Barack Obama has announced his bid to become Italy’s newest Prime Minister. After discovering that Italian law did not dictate that the leader of the country must be a citizen, Obama stated that he had plans that would “directly lead to his election” as Italy’s Prime Minister.

“Italy has had 17 Prime Ministers in almost as many years, and it’s pathetic,”  said Obama in a statement to the Italian people via ITV News. “In 8 years, I turned America from a depressed, Bush-era country into the thriving, amazing place it is today. If the Italian people go to the polls and write me in, I can do for your country what I did for mine.”

While there are several candidates currently running for the position, the Italian people are extremely divided on the ballots, and it’s likely that no leader will be chosen in the election. At that point, the existing sitting government can choose any person that the like, even if that person is not a citizen, and/or not a current member of government.

“I’d like to also tell the sitting government that I will work just as hard for the Italians as I did for the Americans,” said Obama. “There is no doubt in my mind that my leadership abilities will outshine anyone else you have running currently.”

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Jeff Sessions Arrested After Routine Traffic Stop Turns Up 20 Pounds of Marijuana In His Car

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was arrested today after police in Washington, D.C. pulled him over for a broken tail light, and found over 20 pounds of marijuana in the car.

Police say that during the stop, the officer smelled a “strong odor” of marijuana coming from inside the vehicle, and asked to search through the car. When Sessions refused, a K9 unit was called to the scene.

“Despite marijuana being legal in D.C., it is still not legal to use it while driving, or driving while impaired,” said Officer Thomas Townsend, who was the arresting officer at the scene. “After we determined that Mr. Sessions was actually using, we decided to search the vehicle. It was at that point that we found the bricks in his trunk.”

Sessions was arrested and brought to a local D.C. police department for processing, but was immediately released at order of President Trump.

“Despite the interference by the current Presidential administration, we will still be moving forward with the charges against Mr. Sessions,” said Officer Townsend.

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Faux Report

Teen Files Lawsuit Against His Parents Because He Was ‘Born Black’

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 16-year-old in Boston has filed one of the most controversial lawsuits in modern history, with legal reports showing that he is suing his own biological parents for being born black.

Jamal Cutler, 16, claims he has suffered his whole life from the shame of being born black, especially because he goes to a predominantly white school outside of Boston, Massachusetts.\

“When I was a kid, I’d spend hours in the shower trying to wash off all the black from my skin, but it would never go away,” he recalls painfully.

His parents admit they were completely in shock when they learned their son had hired a lawyer against them. “We just want to end this nonsense, and we want him to come back home. We will love him no matter the color of his skin,” said Cutler’s mother, Maria, 48. “I’d love him even if he was the color of a baboon’s ass.”

The young man’s lawyer, Robert Hoffman, claims his client has suffered severe psychological distress, symptoms of depression, and suicidal tendencies because of what he called “the burden of being a minority.”

“My client did not choose to live this kind of life. Why would he have to carry the burden of hundreds of years of slavery and racism all because his parents had the selfish desire to bring a child into this world?” he sad during the suit’s opening statements before a judge and grand jury. “Because of the level of psychological distress of my client, we ask that his parents pay for all necessary expenses to change his racial status, including skin coloring treatments.”

Cutler, who plans to change his name to John Smith after he converts to “white,” is asking that his parents pay for the $20,000 skin coloring treatment he needs.

His lawyer argued in court that $20,000 is a low price to pay to positively change this young man’s life, considering the suicidal tendencies of his client and the “profound feeling of shame and despair” his client has faced since his birth.

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57-Year-Old Virgin Sues His Former Middle School For Teaching Abstinence

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HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

James Holmes, 57, has filed a lawsuit against his former middle school for teaching him abstinence, as he said that they taught him that he would “burn in hell” if he ever had sex, or even masturbated.

From World News Daily Report:

Holmes says the sexual education he received at the Jemison High School was “traumatizing” and has caused him some severe psychological problems.

In an interview with ABC, he described the content of the sexual education classes which he says caused his psychological trauma.

“They taught us that God would smite us if we masturbated and that we would burn in Hell for eternity if we had sex before marriage. They showed us pictures of genitals infected with STDs and told us it was what God did to adulterers.”

These classes had such an impact on Mr. Holmes that whenever he thinks about sex, even today, he suffers from a severe panic attack.

“I’m 47-year old and I’m still a virgin. Every time I think of sex I remember these purulent genitals, so I start panicking, sweating and even vomiting.” 

In 2012, he was diagnosed with a Sexual aversion disorder (SAD), a disorder characterized by disgust, fear, revulsion, or lack of desire in consensual relationships involving genital contact.

This type of psychological disorder is usually caused by some traumatic event which causes sex to be associated with a painful experience.

He had to undergo years of psychotherapy and is still heavily medicated, that’s why he demanding almost half a million dollars from his former school.

Holmes’ lawyer says that he believes that the case is a “slam dunk.” Holmes claims that the first thing he plans to do after receiving his winnings is to pay a “lady of the night” to finally take his virginity, but he hopes that he can find a nice one so that afterwards he can settle down.

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Old Juggalo Says He’s Worried About The Future Generation of Lil’ Juggalos

PONTIAC, Michigan –

55-year-old Kevin Anderson has been a self-proclaimed juggalo for over two decades, but says that young juggalos who are just coming into the family aren’t going to continue with the positive  message that they’ve always been about. According to Anderson, whose Juggalo name is “Klown Syndrome,” the new kids just don’t understand.

From The Hard Times:

“Frankly, I’m worried for our future,” said the outspoken Syndrome. “These Millennial Juggalos don’t know their asses from their elbows! They’re a bunch of assed-out tricks who don’t have the work ethic to hatchet their way out of a wet paper bag.”

Syndrome admitted his worry grew after attending last summer’s Gathering of the Juggalos.

“It was some straight Jugga-ho behavior, to be completely honest with you,” noted Syndrome. “This one youngin’ was talkin’ shit about how Faygo’s loaded with high fructose corn syzurup or some shit, and that we should try drinking water every once in a while. That’s some seriously wack shit. For real.”

Syndrome blames parents in his age group for raising a generation of coddled, entitled “Juggaflakes.”

“Back in the day, we worked for what we wanted. Nobody handed me anything when I was coming up. Nowadays, these young Juggs show up demanding blunts and whip-its like they grow on trees or something,” barked Syndrome. “They’re lucky I don’t straight up whoop they scrub asses.”

Old timers in other musical gangs, including those in the KISS Army, say they, too, can relate to the struggle, but remain hopefully that the next generation will eventually follow suit.

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